


Guardian Angel

by CheeseToast99



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Amputation, Angry Eren Yeager, Angry Erwin Smith, Angry Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Anti-Personnel Control Squad, Arm Wrestling, Assassination Attempt(s), Backstory, Banter, Best Friends, Bisexual Jean Kirstein, Bisexual Levi Ackerman, Bittersweet Ending, Blood and Violence, Blow Jobs, Bottom Erwin Smith, Break Up, Broken Engagement, Broken Levi Ackerman, Broken Reader, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Captain Reader, Character Death, Character Development, Character Study, Chases, Child Abandonment, Closure, Commander Erwin Smith, Competition, Complicated Relationships, Con Artists, Conflict Resolution, Corruption, Cowgirl Position, Crying, Crying Levi Ackerman, Cunnilingus, Dark Past, Denial of Feelings, Desire, Desk Sex, Dialogue Heavy, Diary/Journal, Dirty Talk, Doctor Grisha Yeager, Domestic Violence, Drama, Drama & Romance, Dreams and Nightmares, Drinking to Cope, Drunken Flirting, During Canon, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Jean Kirstein, Emotional Roller Coaster, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Engagement, Espionage, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, F/M, Falling In Love, False Identity, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Issues, Family Secrets, Female Titan Arc (Shingeki no Kyojin), Fights, Five Stages of Grief, Flashbacks, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gay Male Character, Gentle Sex, Goodbyes, Government, Government Conspiracy, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Gunshot Wounds, Hair-pulling, Half-Siblings, Heavy Angst, Horny Erwin Smith, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Infiltration, Injured Erwin Smith, Injury Recovery, Intense, Interrogation, Jean Kirstein Being An Asshole, Jean has a friend, Kenny Ackerman Being an Asshole, Kissing, Last wish, Levi & Erwin Smith Friendship, Levi Ackerman Needs a Hug, Levi Ackerman is Bad at Feelings, Levi Ackerman is So Done, Levi Has OCD (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi and Cleaning (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi is a good friend, Little Brothers, Loss, Loss of Virginity, Loud Sex, Love Confessions, Love Letters, Love Poems, Love Triangles, Love after Loss, Love/Hate, Major Original Character(s), Makeup, Makeup Sex, Marriage Proposal, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Military, Military Police, Military Training, Minor Jean Kirstein/OC, Minor Moblit Berner/OC, Minor Subplot, Moblit Has Anxiety, Morning After, Murder, Nile & Erwin Smith friendship, Nobility, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Oral Sex, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Original squad, Overstimulation, Pain, Partying, Passion, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Personal Growth, Plot Twists, Poker, Post-Break Up, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Dynamics, Pre-Canon, Prostitution, Protective Erwin Smith, Protectiveness, Psychological Trauma, Rebellion, Recovery, Rehabilitation, Relapsing, Relationship Issues, Requited Love, Requited Unrequited Love, Rescue Missions, Resolved Sexual Tension, Rivalry, Rough Kissing, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Sad Ending, Sassy Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Sassy Reader, Secret Crush, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Self-Defense, Self-Sacrifice, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Soft Moblit Berner, Soldiers, Strained Relationships, Strong Female Characters, Suicide, Supportive Hange, Supportive Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Survival Training, Sweet Erwin Smith, Sweet/Hot, Team Bonding, Teen Angst, Teen Crush, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Titans, Top Erwin Smith, Top Levi Ackerman, Torture, Tragic Romance, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Tsundere Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Undercover Missions, Unrequited Love, Uprising Arc (Shingeki no Kyojin), Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Violence, Virgin Erwin Smith, Vulnerability, War, light Levi x reader, love and support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:42:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 28
Words: 107,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28082613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheeseToast99/pseuds/CheeseToast99
Summary: In 825 when you were five years old your mother made a decision. She decided to leave the Shiganshina District to live with her lover. Recently, he built a store in Trost that was making good profit. Before, he traveled selling goods and wares which is how he met your mother. He complimented her on her exquisite beauty and urged her to leave her husband. He promised her all the stars in the sky. He promised her a life of security, food, love, and happiness. The catch was you were not invited. Your father tugged your arm roughly pulling you away from the door. As you began to cry for your mother he yelled at you to shut up. When you didn't comply he removed his belt to beat you with. All the pent up frustration and anger your father had was unleashed on you. You lived like a caged animal for seven more years. Everyone within the walls was a caged animal in one way or another.(When you hit your lowest point as a young woman, Captain Erwin recruits you as a solider for his squad. He gives you a reason to live again. You have to overcome your alcohol addiction and make peace with your trauma from the past while giving your heart to the Scout Regiment. You give your heart to him as well.)
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Reader, Jean kirstein/OC, Levi/Reader, Moblit Berner/OC
Comments: 442
Kudos: 425





	1. A Reason to Live

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you're all doing well and staying safe. I love you guys so much <3 Thank you for the views, kudos, and comments on all my previous works. My last story got a lot of attention and I was so happy you guys enjoyed it. Here's another story that I've been wanting to write for some time now. Erwin is probably one of my favorite characters because of how inspiring he can be. There will be plenty of inspirational Erwin in this one, as well as his more vulnerable side. This is a character study so I want to go deep into his character. The reader in this story has demons of her own to overcome. 
> 
> For anyone dealing with alcoholism, child abuse, domestic violence, and mental illness in real life I urge you to get the help you need. Also, know that you're not alone. 
> 
> Disclaimers: I do not own Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin or the characters. All rights are reserved to Hajime Isayama.
> 
> There is violence, blood, murder, trauma, torture, sexual content, prostitution, alcoholism, past child abuse, domestic violence, suicide, references to sexual assault, and references to sexual abuse. If any of that makes you uncomfortable, please don't read it.
> 
> Let me know if you want to see another Erwin story or have any fic requests in mind.
> 
> Spoiler warning: This fic will be directly referencing events from seasons 1-3. It will also be referencing No Regrets once Levi joins the story. The last chapter has spoilers from season 4 and the manga. If you don't want spoilers I don't recommend reading this fic.
> 
> Various characters in this story are original characters and do not exist in the Anime/Manga. Nigel, Griffin, Dr. Attwell, Hugh Dewitt, Mrs. Dewitt, Alice Wyvil, Regina Rowe, Sarah Rowe, Blair Nichols, James Porter, Adam Bernewelt, Henry Nichols, Lady Nichols, and Reader's mother are all original characters.

Your mother wore a blue dress the day she left. It was a dress that your father didn't buy her. Her boyfriend, a merchant, was waiting for her within Wall Rose. She and your father had an unhappy marriage full of resentment and bickering. He was a gambler who spent all of his money on alcohol. He could become violent over the littlest things. You would hear screaming sometimes and the sound of glass breaking. 

In 825 when you were five years old your mother made a decision. She decided to leave the Shiganshina District to live with her lover. Recently, he built a store in Trost that was making good profit. Before, he traveled selling goods and wares which is how he met your mother. He complimented her on her exquisite beauty and urged her to leave her husband. He promised her all the stars in the sky. He promised her a life of security, food, love, and happiness. The catch was you were not invited. 

She opened the door carrying a suitcase and you tugged on her skirt. You lifted your arms silently asking her to pick you up and take you too. She looked at you with indifference, as if you were someone she never met before. The icy gaze frightened you and you took a few steps back. Your young brain could not comprehend what was happening. You wondered if you did something to make your mother mad. She walked through the threshold shutting the door behind her. 

You called out for her and ran towards the door trying to grasp the doorknob. You were too short to even reach it. Your father tugged your arm roughly pulling you away from the door. As you began to cry for your mother he yelled at you to shut up. When you didn't comply he removed his belt to beat you with. All the pent up frustration and anger your father had was unleashed on you. 

You lived like a caged animal for seven more years. Everyone within the walls was a caged animal in one way or another. Even your father was trapped by his addictions. You would watch him gamble with other men, taking note of his techniques. He would hide cards in his sleeve or use you to tell him what the other player's cards were. You communicated with subtle hand signals. 

When you were eleven you were instructed to run in front of a cart being pulled by horses. The horses stood on their hind legs out of fright. The cart fell over to the side and you laid on the ground as if you were seriously injured. Your father would then rush over cradling you in his arms making a big scene of it. That was the only time you ever received a hug. The tradesman was so apologetic and fearful that he nearly killed a child. Pretending to be unconscious you heard your father berate the man for his carelessness and demand payment. You almost felt sorry for the man. 

The art of the con was the only useful thing he ever taught you. It was something you became very good at yourself. Life inside the walls was suffocating. Men and women alike did their best to pretend to be happy. Some people settled down and had families, some became soldiers, others indulged their natural urges. Vices were something you were familiar with. Your father gave you your first bottle of ale for a job well done. The taste was bitter and sickening but you drank it as he drank his. Soon enough the bottle became just a pacifier for you. 

At the age of twelve, the Shiganshina District epidemic broke out. Many people became ill including you and your father. Grisha, a doctor in Shiganshina cured you and many others. However, your father died from a combination of the disease and pre-existing health complications. Years of heavy drinking wore out his body. The doctor asked you if you had another person to take care of you and you lied. You told Grisha your mother was away on a trip and she would be back soon. Though he was doubtful he left you at the home. 

From that day on you provided for yourself. You abandoned that empty house that had nothing left to offer you. You never stayed in one place for too long. There were other homeless children who you befriended. It was believed that the Underground was the poorest place within the walls. It was full of crime and homelessness but the surface world had its fair share of crime as well. It was just easier to get caught with all the soldiers around. 

For a time you were the ringmaster who orchestrated various cons just like your father taught you. Not all of them were successful and many of your friends were caught and arrested. A few times you were nearly caught yourself but you always evaded capture. The fate of your friends weighed heavy on your conscience. Unfortunately, you lived in a world where you couldn't bother to worry about others. Your priority was yourself and no one else. 

When you grew up and became attractive you began to use that to your advantage. The soldiers were easily seduced. With the threat of the titans and the constant failure of humanity, the soldiers were always looking for solace. At the age of eighteen, you began to offer your services for a fee. The sex was quick and passionless, you were simply doing business. Many of the men were twice your age and some of them had wives. When the session was over sometimes you would steal some extra money or valuables they were too careless to leave unguarded. 

It turns out you weren't the only one doing whatever it took to stay alive. In 840, in the middle of town, a young man around your age stood on a soapbox holding up a bottle.

“Are you sick?” He rhetorically asked the crowd. “Are you suffering? Do you just want to feel youthful again? If you drink this I guarantee you will feel better than ever or your money back!”

The bottle was filled with water and sugar but he claimed it to be an elixir that could cure all ailments. You knew he was lying but he captivated you as well.

His name was Nigel and you later learned he was a failed chemist. He was tall and thin with dark brown hair swept to the side. His white shirt was unbuttoned at the top and his sleeves were rolled up. He was charming to look at and he was an excellent salesman. Next to him stood his brother, Griffin. Unlike Nigel, he was stocky and strong. His hair was short and a lighter brown than his brother’s. He wore a teeshirt, pants, and suspenders. He was the muscle for his brother, accompanying him wherever he went, looking out for the authorities. Griffin wasn't smart like his brother but he was loyal to him. 

You introduced yourself to the two of them when their sales pitch was over. You proposed a deal that would benefit all of you. Nigel spoke for himself and his brother when he bargained for a higher cut than you initially proposed. You expected nothing less and haggled him down. You explained the advantages of having a beautiful young lady on their side. Griffin said nothing as Nigel eventually accepted your deal and both of you shook on it. 

For three years you were a trio. You used your charm and beauty to lure people in. Nigel did the talking and Griffin was the lookout. During your time together you began a sexual relationship with Nigel. Finally, you believed you found your other half in the world. Originally, love was a silly concept to you. You thought love was just an illusion and people forced themselves to be content. Nigel knew how you felt about him and used it to his advantage. He made empty promises to you and was purely interested in the money. Griffin didn't approve of his brother’s behavior but he didn't say a word about it. 

In 843 Nigel, Griffin, and you were in a bar doing another con. You sat at a wooden table with three walnut shells face down. There was a single pea in one of them. Soldiers and civilians surrounded you as you shuffled the shells. Nigel pretended to play and picked a shell which you lifted and revealed the pea. The crowd applauded him for winning.

“See, it ain’t so hard!” Nigel shouted. “I just won a whole bunch! Easy money!”  
“I’m gonna give it a try!” A Garrison soldier shouted excitedly.  
“Step right up, soldier,” you said seductively. 

It was easy to draw them in once the excitement took hold of them. Humans were impulsive creatures with the natural urge to win. The foolish Garrison soldier reached into his pocket and placed his bet.

“That’s it?” Nigel said. “Don’t be a coward, this is your chance to make some serious money!”  
“My wife will kill me if I spend our money for food…”  
“But wouldn't she enjoy making love to a rich man?” 

You glanced up at Nigel who didn't look at you for a moment. You glanced at Griffin who caught your eye and then looked away. Although Griffin rarely ever talked you could tell he felt remorse now and then. You also felt sorry for your victims but Nigel did not. He enjoyed toying with the desperation and dreams of others. It was the best way to make money. The Garrison soldier was convinced and bet even more money hoping he would leave this bar a rich man. You suppressed your guilt and shuffled the shells using sleight of hand to rig the game. 

The Garrison soldier picked his shell and you lifted it revealing there was nothing underneath. He was heartbroken when he saw the empty shell. 

“But—“  
“Bad luck!”  
“No— I— What am I gonna tell my wife!?”  
“Try again and win it all back,” Nigel encouraged him. “Then you wouldn't need to do any explaining.” 

The Garrison soldier nodded and reached into his pocket in an attempt to win it all back. You had the power to let that happen… But you had to survive too. Meanwhile in the corner of the bar Captain Erwin and his soldier Miche watched from afar. 

“Do you see that?” Erwin rhetorically asked.  
“Yeah, I see it…” 

Erwin got up from his chair with his drink in hand. He approached the crowd gathered around you. He disapproved of you taking advantage of the military’s soldiers. 

“Where are you going?” Miche asked dryly.  
“Stay here.”

The crowd parted for him allowing him to walk right up to your table. You looked up at him and recognized who he was. He was one of the Scout Regiment’s most beloved soldiers. He was an excellent Captain with a stellar reputation. He was even more beloved than the current Commander Keith Sadies. 

“Are you a gambling man, Captain?” you asked him.  
“When necessary.”  
“Give it shot… Come, play.”  
“I prefer to watch.”  
“Are you watching me or the game?”  
“You.”  
“Ooh… I’m honored I caught your eye.”  
“Don’t flatter yourself,” Erwin said sternly. “I’m watching you swindle these men.”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”  
“Let’s play a different game then,” Erwin said casually. “I’ll point out your shills and you’ll tell me if I’m right.” 

Erwin turned around surveying the crowd of men and looked directly at Nigel. He looked from side to side and pointed at himself. 

“What the hell are you looking at me for!?” Nigel yelled.  
“You talk too much,” Erwin said to Nigel. “Plus, if I won all the money you did I would leave immediately. I’d have no interest in the wealth of others.”  
“You son of a bitch!” the Garrison soldier shouted. “Give me back my money!”

The Garrison soldier grabbed ahold of Nigel as Erwin gave Griffin the side eye. You were impressed that he was able to figure out who you were working with so easily. Griffin threw a punch at Erwin who caught him by the wrist. Nigel simultaneously freed himself and punched the Garrison soldier knocking him into a man. You jumped onto the table and then jumped off of it running towards the exit. 

Miche grabbed you from behind to stop you from fleeing. You hit Miche in the area all men were most sensitive and then flipped him over your shoulder. You were much stronger than you looked and even he was impressed as he laid flat on his back. Nigel ran off as well abandoning his brother who Erwin held firmly. At that moment Griffin felt betrayed by his older brother and stopped struggling. He accepted that he had been caught. Out of all three of you, Erwin was most intrigued by you. There was something special about you. 

Eventually, Nigel met up with you in an alleyway. Both of you panted after losing the soldiers that were chasing you. 

“They got Griffin,” Nigel informed you.  
“He got arrested?”  
“What the hell you think ‘got’ means!?”  
“It isn't my fault! That damn soldier screwed us up!”  
“It doesn't matter… He was a useless lug anyway. Good riddance.”  
“But he’s your brother…”  
“So? One less person to split the cut with.” 

You couldn't believe Nigel was willing to turn his back on his brother. While you were selfish you weren't without a conscience. Soon, a man who you were once strongly attracted to began to lose his luster. As the months went by you liked him less and less. You wanted to end your partnership with Nigel but you needed him for the success of the operations. At least, you thought you needed him. It was three months from the incident at the bar and you coldly gave Nigel his money in an alleyway. 

“Here’s your cut.”  
“Where’s the rest of it?”  
“You get what you get.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“You heard me!” 

Nigel threw the bag of coins at you causing some of it to spill out. You shielded your face from the impact and gasped when he wrapped his hands around your throat. Nigel slammed you against the brick wall of the alleyway and the back of your head hit it with force. You kicked your dangling legs in an attempt to get free. Nigel held you in place squeezing the life out of you. His eyes were so full of fury and his hands cold against the flesh of your neck.

“You bitch, you think you can scam me?”  
“N-N…Nigel—”  
“You thought this was your operation? It was mine!” 

Suddenly a large figure behind Nigel grabbed him by the shoulder tearing him away from you. The large figure was the soldier from before, Captain Erwin. He held Nigel firmly by his shoulder and kneed him in the gut. Nigel doubled over with a pained gasp and Erwin pulled him back up roughly. 

“On your feet,” he commanded. “You can take more than that.”

You looked up at Erwin in awe and he glanced at you. You quickly grabbed the bag of coins Nigel threw at you and ran out of the alleyway. 

“Stop!” Erwin yelled.

You didn't stop. You kept running even as some of the Garrison soldiers began to run after you. One appeared in front of you and you pushed them out of the way. There were gasps from the spectators as you gave the soldiers chase. You jumped onto a few crates allowing you to jump onto a windowsill of a home. You climbed your way up getting to the roof of the home. 

From there you jumped from one structure to another with the grace and skill of an acrobat. You were fast and you knew which path to take for the most efficient escape. Erwin arrested Nigel and handed him off to another soldier. He watched you run on the rooftops from the distance taking note of your fluid movements. Your long skirt flapped in the wind as you ran and your hair was blown back by your momentum. 

You hadn't had any special training nor did you have the omni-directional mobility gear that the soldiers had. What you learned was out of necessity. All Erwin could think of while watching your spectacle was how useful you would be as a soldier. You were faster, smarter, and more skilled than most of those in the military. The Scout Regiment in particular could use you. Erwin could only admire you from afar as you tried to think of a plan to lose the soldiers chasing you. 

You jumped into the window of a two story home whose residents weren't home. You quickly grabbed a handkerchief from the kitchen tying it around your head and grabbed a basket. Casually you exited the home walking among the civilians as if you were on your way to the market. You hid your face with the basket as you calmly walked past the soldiers. Some were perched on the rooftops and others were on the ground searching for you. You walked closely behind a mother with her child until you were out of their sight. It wasn't difficult for you to blend in with the others. Your youthful features allowed you to go unnoticed. 

When you reached a point you were certain you lost them you threw the basket to the side and ripped off the handkerchief. You rubbed your neck as your eyes welled up with tears. Nigel was and always had been a selfish monster. He was the replacement for your father. You wondered what you could have done differently. You thought maybe you should have given him more money— But it was useless. The abuse you endured was unjustifiable no matter how much you blamed yourself. You even blamed yourself for your mother leaving. The loneliness sunk in as you slouched against a wall with your knees up and cried into your skirt wishing life was kinder to you. 

A week later stumbled out of a tavern holding a bottle of ale. Walking down the street you heard someone whistle at you. You held up your bottle in sarcastic gratitude for the objectification you were so used to. Further down the street, you fell face down on the pavement busting your lip in the process. You turned over on the ground rolling into a puddle. You tasted the irony blood in your mouth and lazily brought your fingers to your lips. You saw the blood on your fingertips and began to laugh. It was a burst of drunken mad laughter at your own misery. Looking up the sky you laughed at God and all his creatures who lived empty lives. You laughed at the stars that were so very far away. 

A blurred figure approached you and looked down at you. It took you a moment to realize it was Captain Erwin. He must have been looking for you.

“Evenin’ Captain,” you said with a sad drunken grin.  
“Is this what you do with the money you make?”  
“I can do what-ever I want! It’s my money!” 

Erwin observed you with pity but his facial expression remained impassive. You were a cliché. Just another poor soul crushed by poverty, another person whose innocence was gone too soon, another person who wished for death. 

“Can you… Do me— A favor?” you asked Erwin.  
“And what would that be?”  
“Kill me…”  
“Why would I do a thing like that?”  
“Cus I said so!” you drunkenly shouted. “Do it! 

Erwin remained above you without any change in expression. You began to tear up and clenched your fists.

“God damn coward! Is th-at uniform just for show!? Can’t do it!?”  
“Why do you want to die?” Erwin asked matter of factly.  
“Cus life is mean-ingless…”  
“It may feel that way sometimes… But that is because you have nothing to live for.”  
“…”  
“There are reasons to live. There are causes worth dedicating your life to, but you must forge your own path. I can't tell you what to live for.”  
“…”  
“But I will tell you that there are better ways to die than on the side of the road like a wounded animal.”  
“…”  
“You must give your heart to something.” 

Erwin’s words hit you hard. You thought you gave your heart to something… You thought you gave it to Nigel. You convinced yourself you were content with your life just as everyone else was. You were hollow and he knew this as well. Erwin held his hand out to you. The moonlight glowed around him and you wondered if he was sent by God himself. 

“Will you come with me?”  
“I’m no-t goin’ to jail…”  
“I’m not arresting you.”  
“Oh… Ok-ay.”  
“Can you stand?”  
“Su-re I can.” 

You attempted to stand up but immediately fell onto your knees. You chuckled at your inability to stand and felt a still warm jacket draped over your back. Moments later you were lifted up from the ground. Erwin carried you in his arms as your head slung to the side. You looked and felt like a corpse, yet you still had some life left in you. Erwin was not going to let you die here even if you died inside long ago.


	2. Moving Foward

The next day you woke up with a throbbing headache and a dry mouth. Your body ached all over and your memory was a blur. You couldn’t remember very much but you did remember a figure reaching out to you. It was a man with bright blue eyes and the glow of the moon behind him. 

You sat up with a groan and rubbed your eyes. You were in a bed that had clean white sheets and the sun poked out of the nearby window. There were some books stacked beside the bed. This was not your home… You didn't have a home. Looking down you realized these weren't your clothes either. You were wearing a simple long sleeve teeshirt and pants. You wondered where you were and what you did to get here. As if on cue, Erwin knocked on the door once to let you know he was coming in and entered the room. 

“Oh… It’s you,” You said recognizing him. “I hope you already paid me.”  
“You misunderstand the situation.”  
“Huh?”  
“I didn't use your services nor did I take advantage of you. A gentleman would never.”  
“A gentleman, huh? Yeah right… Then where are my clothes?”  
“I had a female soldier change you out of your wet clothes to avoid illness. Your clothes are drying outside.” 

Before you could ask your next question a wave of nauseousness came over you. Leaning over the bed you began to throw up. As if he expected it Erwin grabbed a bucket and place it underneath you. He stayed nearby but gave you the space to vomit. When you were finished you wiped your mouth with your arm. 

“…So where am I?”  
“Right now you are with the Survey Corps. This is my room that I let you borrow for the night.”  
“Why?”  
“What do you remember?”  
“I asked you a question first…”  
“Do you remember anything I said? Anything at all?”  
“No— Look my head hurts, okay.”  
“I thought so.” 

Erwin grabbed a wooden chair from the table and pulled it over to your bedside. He sat down with a serious look on his face.

“I didn't waste my breath explaining the details last night because I knew you wouldn’t remember a thing.”  
“The details..?”  
“Not once but twice did I watch you evade capture by soldiers who were trained to be the best. You’re as nimble as you are clever.”  
“…”  
“But you’re also self destructive and reckless. Currently, you are drinking your days away resenting the way things are but not doing a damn thing to change it.”  
“…”  
“I have no right to berate you for your life choices. If you are satisfied with your life and you want to continue living as you do then I’ll have to turn you over to the Military Police.”  
“…”  
“But if you are unsatisfied with what your life has become then make changes. Do not be content with your misery. Be angry. Take that fire inside you and use it to light humanity’s torch!” 

It was undeniable that Erwin was a great speaker. Unlike Nigel who used his words to trick others, Erwin used his to inspire. Last night he saw the flame in your eyes die out as he carried you in his arms. Today he tried to ignite that flame again by giving you a new purpose. 

“You… want me to be a soldier?”  
“I’m giving you a choice.”  
“I wouldn't make a good soldier.”  
“And what do you think makes a good soldier?”  
“I… I don’t know… Someone who listens to the rules and stuff.”  
“A good soldier knows when to question authority and when to obey it. A good soldier pushes forward even when the task ahead seems impossible. A good soldier gives their life to further the cause he or she believes in. Anyone can be a good soldier, even you.” 

Erwin’s private speech was compelling. It moved you but there was still something holding you back. The military life wasn't for everyone and you were certain it wasn't for you. Not in a million years did you think you could be a soldier. 

“Don’t I get some time to think about it..?”  
“You can have until the end of the day. After that, I will turn you over to the Military Police along with your boyfriend.”  
“Nigel is still here?”  
“Today is his last day here. I kept him as long as I did for questioning. He told me your favorite drinking spots, that is how I found you.”  
“Well… You’ve got it all wrong, Captain… He’s not my boyfriend…”  
“He was something to you.”  
“…Can I see him?”  
“Are you sure you want to do that?”  
“Yes. I need to.”  
“Then I’ll allow it.” 

You weren't concerned about Nigel’s wellbeing whatsoever. You simply wanted to confront the man who wrapped his hands around your throat. Your rage built up just thinking about it. Another knock on the door interrupted your thoughts. Erwin told them to come in and Griffin entered holding a breakfast tray. It was a modest breakfast with a glass of water.

“Griffin?” you said surprised. “What are you doing here?”  
“…”  
“You’re a soldier now?”  
“…”  
“We worked something out,” Erwin answered for Griffin. “He’s quiet but he gives everything his all. That is all that I require from my soldiers.” 

Griffin nodded and put the breakfast tray on the wooden table. He looked at you for a moment but stayed silent.

“So, this is why you've been up to?” you asked him.  
“…”  
“Do you like being a soldier?”  
“…”  
“Say something, Griffin.”  
“Sorry,” he finally said. “I’m sorry.”  
“Huh?”  
“You should do it.” 

Griffin turn away and left the room without another word. Erwin got up as well and put the chair back where it belonged. 

“See if you can hold that down,” Erwin said. “Then I will take you to his cell.” 

Erwin exited the room and left you alone. So far, it seemed like being a soldier had its benefits. There was food and shelter. Even Griffin stepped out from his brother’s shadow and moved on. You had to move on as well. You ate your breakfast and washed your face. When you were ready Erwin returned and escorted you to the jail. Nigel was sitting on his bed with his arms crossed. When he saw you he immediately got up and grabbed the bars. You stared at him coldly as Erwin stood behind you. 

“So, you came back for me, huh?” he said. “I knew you’d come back.”  
“You look good behind bars, Nigel. It suits you.”  
“Tch. You’re the one who was ripping me off! Don’t act innocent!”  
“And so I deserved to die?”  
“I wasn't actually gonna kill you… You know I love you.”  
“Love… You want to talk about love?” You came closer and grabbed the bars making Nigel take a few steps back. “You haven’t any love in your heart! Not for me or your brother! You only care about yourself!”  
“Isn’t that how we’ve always lived? The only way to survive is to put yourself first! You know this!”  
“I’m done living like that…”  
“So what are you gonna do? Be a ‘brave’ soldier?”  
“And so what if I become a soldier?”  
“Do you really think these people give a shit about you? You’re just fodder for the Titans!”  
“I rather be fodder than look at you for another second.”

You turned away giving Nigel the cold shoulder. As you walked away Erwin silently walked behind you. He knew you needed to unleash your rage in order to move forward. You needed to confront Nigel. 

“Coward! Nigel called out to you. “Come back here!” 

Stopping for a moment you gave Nigel the side eye. It was a frightening look you gave him.

“No, you’re the coward… And you will never touch me again! You’ll either rot away or die on a rope… Either way, I don’t care.”  
“…”  
“So, go to hell…” 

You and Erwin exited the jail together. A weight was briefly lifted from your chest after you let go of that chapter of your life. You took a deep breath and then turned to Erwin. 

“I’m ready to make my decision…”  
“And what have you decided?”  
“I’ll accept your offer…”  
“And are you willing to die if necessary?”  
“Yes but… I want to live… I want to live a new life!”  
“Then I welcome you to the Survey Corps,” Erwin said putting his fist over his heart. “Give your heart, Soldier! From now until the day you take your last breath!” 

You put your fist over your heart as well saluting him back. At that moment you were overcome with emotion. For the first time in a long time, you had hope. You had the desire to dedicate yourself to something. From that day forward you were a soldier for the Scout Regiment. Erwin placed you in his squad to personally oversee your growth. You were given a uniform and training. Unlike some of the other soldiers, you were naturally gifted. Your speed and agility was unrivaled. Putting the ODM gear on for the first time was a little strange but it only took you several days to master. You quite liked the feeling of being propelled through the air. It felt… freeing. 

There were various acrobatic tricks you tried while training. Your natural talent was undeniable. Erwin knew he had a good feeling about you, although some of the other higher ups disagreed with him. Due to your background, some of the other Captains were wary. Even the current Commander, Keith Sadies, was a bit skeptical. Erwin didn't care about where you came from or what you did in your past life. Your usefulness in battle was all that mattered. 

The soldiers' opinions of you were mixed. Some enjoyed your company and some wouldn’t be caught associating with you. Two soldiers, in particular, stood out from the rest and were on the same squad as you. One of them was someone you met briefly, although you didn't remember him very well. His name was Miche Zacharius and he had the strange habit of sniffing people he first meets. While reading some books Erwin gave you Miche sniffed your hair. You found this quite unsettling and tensed up. 

“Ummm… Hello?”  
“…”  
“Do we know each other?”  
“You punched me in the balls.”  
“Oh… Right… Sorry about that…” 

The other strange Soldier was Hange Zoë who had the habit of becoming overly enthusiastic about things that interested them. Hange would shower you with compliments often. 

“Ah look at you! You’re so flexible!”  
“Thank… You?”  
“Your bones must be elastic! Can I do some experiments on your body?”  
“Ummm… I’m fine.” 

You thought those two were weird but Erwin assured you they were the best. He thought rather highly of you as well. It was all very overwhelming and that familiar desire to drink and have fun came back. Other soldiers struggled with vices as well. With so much misery around them, it was difficult to not indulge these desires. One night you and various soldiers came up with a plan to have a little fun. You didn't involve Griffin, Hange, or Miche in your scheme. 

Section Commander Flagon heard the commotion in the mess hall and saw you among the other soldiers. He was one of the Scout Regiment members who were opposed to you joining. Flagon went to get Erwin right away to prove his point. He knocked on his door a few times waking Erwin up. The blonde man sat up and rubbed his eyes. 

“Come in…” he said still groggy 

Flagon entered and right away Erwin knew something was amiss. He checked the clock to see what time it was and saw it was well into the night. 

“What is it?” Erwin asked bluntly.  
“Remember that new girl you recruited.”  
“Yes, what about her?”  
“Her and a bunch of the new recruits are having a party in the mess hall.”  
“You’re joking.”  
“I’m not. I told you she was trouble.”  
“I’ll be right there…” 

Erwin sighed as Flagon left the room and shut the door behind him. He got out of bed and put his uniform on briskly. He pulled up his knee high boots with irritation and met Flagon outside. The two men made their way to the mess hall and heard faint singing in distance. You and a bunch of other soldiers were singing a shanty. You were standing on the long table with a few male soldiers doing a line dance. Captain Erwin threw the door open interrupting the party. 

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE!?” 

Erwin’s strong voice echoed through the mess hall. Immediately everyone stopped singing and dancing, everyone except for you. Once again you were heavily intoxicated. You were facing away from the door and one of the other soldiers on the table turn you around. You saw Erwin standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. He was enraged by the blatant insolence in front of him. Flagon stood beside him.

“Oh—Hey, look It’s Captain Erwin!” you exclaimed. “Three cheers for the good Captain!” 

You lifted your bottle up in the air and the other drunken soldiers did the same. They cheered for Erwin with you as a shadow was cast over his eyes.

“QUIET!!!” 

He yelled even louder than before. Everyone immediately went silent again. Even flattery wasn't going to do the trick here. You were in so much trouble…

“Soldiers, go back to your quarters and get some rest before I detain each and every one of you! You have until the count of three.” 

Erwin started his count down as the soldiers quickly dispersed and left the mess hall. Not every soldier there was under his jurisdiction. The other Captains or even the Commander himself would have to deal with the rest. You jumped off the table and tried to slip past Erwin. He grabbed you by the back of the collar on your jacket. You still tried to move forward but to no avail. 

“Not you,” he said sternly.  
“Aww…” 

Erwin pulled you back into the room and instructed you to sit down. You sat down with your back to the long table. Erwin stood above you with a stern look on his face. Flagon observed both of you.

“Explain yourself,” he demanded. “What were you thinking?”  
“We were just havin’ a little fun, ya know.”  
“This is not a bar,” Erwin scolded you. “We have rules here. You just broke several.”  
“Heh… What are you gonna do about it?” you said with a wink.  
“Now you’re trying to seduce your superior officer? Really?”  
“Can’t blame me when you’re so handsome…” 

You leaned back against the back with a drunken grin on your face. Erwin sighed put a hand on his forehead rubbing it briefly in frustration. 

“I can’t speak to you when you’re like this… This conversation isn't over, we will talk more in the morning. Go to your quarters and get some sleep. Now.”  
“O-kay… Way to kill the mood…” 

You stumbled out of the mess hall bumping Flagon on the way out. He looked at you almost offended as you walked away. 

“Hmph. What a piece of work… But what do you expect from a bargirl?”  
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Erwin sternly asked.  
“Isn't it obvious?” Flagon said. “She might be a soldier now but she will always be a drunken whore. She’s proven that much.”  
“Refer to my soldier as a drunken whore again and we will have an issue, Flagon.”  
“…”  
“My soldiers are my responsibility and I will discipline them as I see fit. Do not concern yourself with it.” 

Flagon forgot who he was speaking to for a moment. The sharp glare Erwin shot at him chilled him to the core. Keith Sadies entered the mess hall joining Erwin and Flagon. 

“No, I’ll take it from here,” Keith said. “I’ll get them straightened out.”  
“If you don’t mind, Commander, I’d like to handle this matter personally,” Erwin said.  
“You would?”  
“I took a chance. I’d like to see it through.”  
“I understand. Very well…” 

The commander agreed to leave you to Erwin. He had compassion for you but he also had a limit. He didn't expect you to change your lifestyle overnight but this behavior was unacceptable. The next morning you vomited again and endured another headache. Erwin summoned you and you dragged your feet on the way to see him. Just like before, you didn't remember very much of what you said or did. 

You knocked on Erwin’s door and he instructed you to come in. You entered and gave him a salute out of both guilt and respect. 

“Good morning, Captain Erwin…”  
“You may sit.” 

You sat down waiting for him to start yelling at you. He did not. Instead, he sat across from you composed with his hands folded together.

“Since you probably have no recollection I will recap last night’s escapades for you.”  
“…”  
“You and a handful of soldiers stole alcohol from the military’s supplies room and threw a party in the Mess Hall at 3:00 am that nearly woke up the entire Regiment.”  
“…”  
“What do you have to say for yourself?”  
“I… I don’t know what to say. I just— I— don’t know.”

You were trying to find the words but you could not explain yourself. You made your choice to become a soldier. You thought you were ready to move on with your life yet you still had the impulse to drink. It felt good when you did but reality always came to crush you in the morning. Erwin appreciated the fact that you didn't try to make any excuses. You didn't blame others for your actions either. That was commendable despite the indiscretion. 

“For your punishment, you will clean the stables. Remove the feces from each stall, change the water, and bring the horses their hay.”  
“Do you know how many horses we have!? That will take forever!”  
“Then I suggest you get started as soon as this conversation is over.”  
“Ugh…”  
“This can never happen again,” Erwin sternly added. “I need you to get yourself together before our next expedition.”  
“Yeah, I know…”  
“I mean it, Soldier. I can’t have you drunk on the battlefield. You will not be able to defend yourself against the titans like this.”  
“Don’t act like this is about me…”  
“I beg your pardon?”  
“You’re just worried about your reputation.”  
“Do you really think I care about my reputation being tarnished?”  
“Yeah, probably.”  
“If that was the case I wouldn't have even bothered with you in the first place.”

Your eyes widened realizing how much time and effort Erwin invested in you. He took a risk recruiting you but he was a bit of a risk taker himself. He firmly believed you would prove your worth out on the battlefield. The trouble was getting you sober enough to get there. 

“How long have you been drinking like this for?” Erwin asked.  
“Why?”  
“Answer me, soldier.”  
“Well… My old man gave me my first drink after we finished one of our scams… I was eleven.”  
“And you haven't stopped since?” 

It was more of a rhetorical question that didn’t require a response from you. Erwin already knew the answer. The distant pain in your eyes said it all.

“When you’re finished with the stables I want you to see a doctor,” Erwin said.  
“A doctor? For what?”  
“There may be a bigger issue here.”  
“I’m not a drunk.”  
“You have a problem.”  
“I don’t.”  
“If you don’t help yourself you will be dishonorably discharged from the Survey Corps before you even had a chance to fight. Is that what you want?”  
“I’m telling you that I’m okay… I don’t need a doctor.”  
“You don’t have a choice, this is an order.” 

Erwin insisted you see a doctor and since it was a direct order you had to follow it. You didn't want to disappoint him further. Erwin was the only person who gave you a chance. He was also the only person who saw something special inside you. The least you could do was humor his concerns.


	3. Resolve

Erwin ordered you to take care of the stables as punishment for the party you threw in the mess hall. The other soldiers that were present at the party were disciplined by their superiors. The Scout Regiment’s stables contained hundreds of horses. Each horse was bred to travel long distances. They were quite obedient and weren’t frightened by the titans or the sound of the ODM gear. The horses were essential for the Military. Without them, the expeditions wouldn't be possible. No one could survive without a horse outside the walls. 

In your youth, you were afraid of horses. You remembered the way the horses stood on their hind legs and brayed above you. At the time they seemed like giants who could trample you. Entering the stables you greeted the horses with hesitation and began to get to work. They were large but looked friendly enough. They didn't bother you while shoveling their droppings. Ugh, that was really gross… You made a mental note to not piss Erwin off again. 

At some point, you got used to the horses and became rather fond of them. You worked in the stables from morning to night. It was around midnight when you finally finished. You trudged to your quarters and fell into your bunk exhausted from all the physical labor. Still, you thought cleaning the stables was better than tomorrow’s task.

Erwin ordered you to see a doctor for your drinking habit. You didn't think you had a problem at all. You resented Erwin just a little for making you do this. Before going to bed you grabbed a bottle you stashed away under your bunk. You had the lower bunk. You figured you deserved it for all the hard work you did today. Another female soldier sharing the quarters with you gave you the side eye when getting into her bunk.

“What? You want some?” 

The soldier gave you the cold shoulder and ignored you. She was a real snob. You would have liked to share a room with Griffin but the rooms were separated by gender. Eventually, you fell asleep with the empty bottle at your side. 

The next day you went to see Dr. Attwell within Wall Rose. You thought about making the trip to Shiganshina to see doctor Grisha Jaeger but you decided against it for two reasons. One, you didn't want to go back to your hometown. Two, you didn't want to disappoint the doctor who saved your life from illness. You were certain he would have not liked who you had become. Sometimes you wondered what would have happened if you didn't tell him your mother was coming home. 

Walking through the hospital you observed the sick and wounded soldiers still recovering from their last expedition. One soldier who lost his leg was screaming in terror recalling the events with the titans. A few nurses had to hold him down. The scene before you was frightening. Were you truly prepared to face the nightmare that awaited you? Maybe you were just caught up in Erwin’s speech and didn’t truly understand the reality of what you signed up for. 

Eventually, you found Dr. Attwell at a sick patient’s side who was being treated with leeches. That was a rather primitive way to treat illness but Dr. Attwell insisted that it did work. He swore that removing the tainted blood from the body cured disease but other doctors adapted to more modern methods. He was a short man with gray hair, glasses, and a mustache. You kept your distance from the sick patient and asked to speak with Dr. Attwell for a moment. He agreed to give you a moment of his time and brought you to his office. 

“Another soldier comes to me… Alright, what is it? Where is the patient?”  
“Um… The patient is me.”  
“You don’t look sick.”  
“I’m not sick—“ you paused and sighed. “Captain eyebrows just thinks I drink too much.”  
“Uh-huh…”  
“I don’t drink any more than anyone else!”  
“Well, you can tell him that I don’t have time for this.”  
“I don’t think he’ll accept that.”  
“I have real patients dying from disease and losing their limbs because of the Scout Regiment’s recklessness! Just stay inside the walls goddamnit! We leave the titans alone and they’ll leave us alone.”  
“You don’t believe in trying to retake humanity?”  
“It’s a foolish waste of time. Not only that, it creates extra work for doctors like me. There is no reason for all these causalities.” 

Not everyone supported the Scout Regiment and their fight for humanity. Some felt a similar way that Dr. Attwell did. Others opposed them for financial reasons and would sacrifice humanity for their own wealth. There was a lot you had to learn about the corruption within the military. Right now, you were merely a soldier seeking help. Unfortunately, you would find none here. 

“So there’s nothing you can do for me?” you asked Dr. Attwell.  
“What did you expect?”  
“I didn't want to come but—“  
“Did you expect me to cure you?”  
“No.”  
“Here’s some advice, next time you feel like drinking, don’t. There, you’re cured.”  
“Don’t you think I tried that already!?”  
“Well, I guess you just don’t have the willpower.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“If you had the willpower you would stop. You can’t stop because you don’t have it.”  
“No—I—”  
“If you can’t control your urges maybe you have no business being a soldier.” 

You had nothing to say in response to that. Thinking the conversation was over Dr. Attwell excused himself and left the office. That brief conversation was a punch to the gut. You thought that you had the will to change your life and be a soldier. Now, Dr. Attwell made you question everything about yourself. You wondered if you were where you belonged and if you truly could stop. For some time you bought into his philosophy. You thought maybe you weren't trying hard enough. 

You returned to Erwin and he asked you what the doctor said. In response you said Dr. Attwell said you were just fine. He was skeptical but he took your word for it. You vowed to stop drinking by the next expedition. A month passed and you made several attempts to stop drinking. The first only lasted half a day and the second attempt lasted two days. The day before the expedition you promised yourself that was it. You wouldn't go onto the battlefield intoxicated. Erwin summoned you the day before the expedition and Miche stood at his side as he spoke to you. 

“I want to place you at the front with Miche,” Erwin stated. “Can you handle it?”  
“Yes.”  
“Have you been drinking?”  
“No.” 

Erwin gestured to Miche to check your breath. He sniffed you and didn't detect any traces of alcohol. 

“She’s clean.”  
“Good. We leave tomorrow. Make sure you sleep well, this will be your first expedition.” 

You nodded and left the room after he dismissed you. Placing you at the front was a risk but he believed what you lacked in experience you made up for in skill. You never saw a titan in person before. This would be the first time. It was always horrifying the first time and never became any less horrifying. Many soldiers were haunted by images of the titans ripping apart their comrades. Nothing could truly prepare you for what you were going to witness. 

Erwin had come up with a formation he called the long-distance enemy scouting formation. He urged Commander Keith to use the formation but it was rejected at that time. Erwin was a good leader and his squad took significantly fewer casualties than the other squads. Even so, casualties couldn't be avoided altogether. Whenever the Scouts went on an expedition they expected many people to die. It was always bloody and brutal but they never gave up their dream of taking back humanity.

You rode your horse beside Miche who was also acting as a mentor. You noted how he rode like he had done this before. At first, you were in awe at the world beyond the walls and the freeing feeling of riding on horseback. You closed your eyes for just a moment to feel the wind in your hair. You opened your eyes abruptly when you heard Erwin scream out to his squad about incoming Titans. Then you saw them… The ugly, massive, man eating giants whose only desire was to devour humanity. You were shaken to the core seeing their misshapen bodies move towards the soldiers. 

Commander Keith gave his orders at the front of the charge. Erwin obeyed the orders of his commander and ordered his squad to spread out. It didn't hit you how absolutely ludicrous this was until now. It was too late to change your mind now that you were in the midst of it. None of you had a chance against these giants, at least that’s what it felt like. You felt as small as you did when you tried to grab the doorknob you couldn't reach. The soldiers began to engage with the titans. They jumped off of their horses and were propelled in the air with their ODM gear. 

The best place to hit a Titan was at the back of their neck. That was their weak point. You watched the soldiers fight… and then die. Some were grabbed mid air and shoved into the mouths of titans. Some were horrifically pulled apart and then devoured. You wanted to vomit just seeing the carnage. Then, one of the soldiers you saw grabbed was Griffin. The Titan bit him off midway as you would with cracker and then finished the rest of him. His death was silent, just like his life. You didn't hear him scream nor beg for his life. He accepted his death just like he accepted being pushed around by his brother for so long. 

You were in such a state of shock that you didn't realize you were headed for a titan yourself. Your horse kept moving without any direction from you. A titan came towards you and you snapped out of it before it was too late. In a desperate attempt to save your life you jumped off your horse and rolled to the side. You were now in danger. You could be easily picked up now and bitten in half like Griffin. Your legs shook with fear but you didn't move. You longed for one last drink before you died.

Death was not coming for you today because you heard a strong voice yell for you. Captain Erwin rode towards you with his arm outstretched. You ran towards him taking his hand and swinging yourself onto the back of his horse. Two people on one horse was not ideal but you needed to get out of there. 

“Griffin’s dead…” you said shakily.  
“I know.”

You clutched the back of his green cape which had the 'Wings of Freedom' on it. You teared up looking at the insignia. You were questioning yourself once again. Why were you out here? Why was someone like you out here? You began to cry and that strong voice interrupted you once again. 

“You can cling to me like a scared child and slow both of us down… Or you can fight!”  
“…”  
“DO NOT LOSE YOUR RESOLVE! YOU ARE A SOLDIER NOW! DO WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO DO!” 

At that moment something in you awoke. All the fear you felt suddenly disappeared and all you could focus on was Erwin’s words. It seemed like time stopped for a brief moment as Erwin continued to ride. You screamed out not in fear but in anger. It was the battle cry of a champion who had been asleep all this time. Erwin’s lip curled into a half of a smirk as he heard your passionate war cry behind him. You practically screamed in his ear he didn't mind.

You finally let go of his cape you were clutching and propelled yourself off his horse. Your target was the titan who had eaten one of the few decent men you knew. Griffin might have been a criminal along with you but he was not scum. He was a simple and decent man. With great speed and skill you slashed the Titan on the back of the neck and screamed out once again. The adrenaline coursing through your veins made you feel more powerful than you ever did before. The titan was killed single handily by you. Not many soldiers were capable of killing solo and so quickly. 

When you landed you took a horse that belonged to a dead soldier and regrouped with Erwin. You got back into formation and he was glad to see you were back with a fire in your eyes. You don’t know how long the battle lasted before the Commander ordered everyone to retreat. After experiencing the terror of the titans and killing one yourself, you would never be the same again.

After yet another failed attempt to retake humanity the survivors returned. All of you followed behind the disgraced Commander and were judged by the onlookers. It was the walk of shame. Many civilians criticized the soldiers for their failure and others grieved their loved ones. You rode directly behind Erwin who looked straight ahead. He did his best to not look defeated and you attempted to follow his example. Your heart dropped when you saw a familiar face in the crowd. Your mother was in the crowd with a boy who was about ten or eleven. She looked as beautiful as you remember, with loose curls in her hair. The boy at her side shared her delicate features. 

You stopped your horse as Erwin and the others pressed on following the Commander. You were frozen and looked directly at the woman. It was all you could focus on at that moment. Erwin briefly stopped to look over his shoulder and saw the stunned look on your face. He didn't yell at you to move forward nor get you himself. The little boy at her side waved at you enthusiastically. He was excited to see the soldiers return on horseback. Your mother grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the crowd. For the second time in your life, she turned her back on you. 

Tears welled up in your eyes as you pressed on and Erwin continued as well. He knew better than to ask you what that was about now. It wasn't the time nor the place. After the expedition, you were nowhere to be found. You weren't in your quarters nor were you at dinner. The next day you were still missing. At that point, Erwin feared you had taken your own life that night. Either that or you were drunk somewhere. He gathered his squad together to create a search party.

“This is a missing person situation. One of our soldiers disappeared at an unknown hour upon our return from our expedition. I want every bar in town searched, every part of the Regiment searched, look everywhere! I don’t care if you like her or not, she is an asset to the scouts. Find her! Go!”

The soldiers dispersed to carry out Erwin’s order. He instructed Miche to come with him to find you by scent. They started in your quarters and Miche sniffed your bed to get an idea of how recently you were in it. It was faint so you weren't in it for some time. From that point they walked around the base. Miche sniffed the air like a bloodhound every now and then. Erwin believed he was partly to blame for your disappearance. He thought perhaps he demanded too much from you. Maybe more than you were capable of. 

He was willing to do anything to further humanity’s fight against the titans. He would sacrifice countless lives to do so. At first, his interest in you was purely for your abilities. Getting to know you further created an emotional attachment he wasn't even fully aware of. Erwin admired your determination, skill, and fortitude. You had your issues but you also had spirit. You deserved more credit for your efforts. 

Eventually, Miche caught wind of something and Erwin followed him. They entered one of the storage rooms. Miche sniffed the air and then nodded at Erwin. Both men proceeded to enter the dark storage room slowly. He was unsure if he would find your dead body around the corner. They both turned the corner and found you shaking and rocking back and forth. Once you returned from the expedition everything hit you at once. The titans, Griffin’s tragic death, and seeing your mother for the first time in years. Your urge to drink was stronger than ever. You desperately needed it but you refused to give in. You refused to prove Dr. Attwell right.

“Is she drunk again?” Miche asked Erwin.  
“No… The opposite.” 

Erwin called your name but received no response. He called out your name a second time louder which broke your trance. You looked up at him but didn’t say a word. It was clear you were experiencing a severe withdrawal. 

“Leave us,” Erwin instructed Miche. 

Miche nodded and left the storage room. Erwin looked down at you and discarded the stern speech he had prepared for you if he found you alive. He wanted to ask you what happened or if you had any idea how worried he was. None of that would do you any good right now. Instead, you spoke first in a shaky voice. 

“I’m sorry, Captain Erwin…”  
“What are you sorry for?”  
“I don’t have the will! I’m not strong enough!”  
“That is not true.”  
“It is!”

You threw your hands over your face in anger and shame. Erwin kneeled down to look you in eye.

“Look at me,” he commanded and you pulled your hands away from your face. His icy blue eyes were earnest and determined.

“You are strong but it doesn't take willpower alone to overcome a disease. Does a man get better simply by not wanting to be sick anymore?”  
“…”  
“No, he does not.”  
“…”  
“Your inability to quit drinking is not your lack of resolve. You have plenty of that.”  
“…”  
“I was naive to think an ordinary doctor could be of any help. There are many people just like you. Our understanding of the mind is limited and our doctors are overwhelmed by treating the sick and injured. They pay no attention to those struggling mentally.”  
“…Am I crazy?”  
“No. You are not crazy. You are human.”  
“Please… Don’t give up on me…”  
“Solider, I won’t give up on you, as long as you don’t give up on me.” 

You were overcome with emotion and reached out to grasp the upper part of his right arm. You clutched the material and he pulled you into an embrace. You cried into his shoulder and he supported your back with one hand. 

“If it helps,” Erwin said gently. “You may speak to me when you feel it’s necessary. If I’m not busy, I will lend you my ear.”  
“You don’t have to do that…”  
“You are my responsibility. I was wrong to expect you to do it on your own, forgive me.”  
“Don’t. Don’t apologize to me…”  
“I pushed you too hard.”  
“I needed it… You’re the only one… You’re the only one who gives a shit about me!” 

Erwin had to fight his urge to give in to his own emotions and stay professional. He was starting to become overly attached to you. He pulled away but held you firmly by your shoulders. 

“We will create a plan for you to follow. Every battle requires a strategy and this is no different. It will not be easy but I believe you can overcome this.”  
“Thank you… For believing in me…” 

He stood and gave you a salute. With a shaky hand, you made a fist over your heart as well. After that, you were given a sedative and taken to your room to rest. The next day Erwin devised a plan to help you conquer your issue. He called upon you and presented you with a square metal container. 

“This is a flask,” Erwin said. “Use it sparingly. The contents inside will be replenished every few days. This will help you first control the amount of alcohol you consume. Then we can move onto stage two.”  
“What’s stage two?”  
“Over time we will reduce the amount inside the flask and get you to a point where you no longer need it. I estimate you will be able to start sobriety in ninety to one hundred days. That is the goal.”  
“You really thought this through…”  
“Yes, I spent some time thinking of a strategy that would be efficient and safe. I’ll also require a weekly report on your progress to determine if this method is working or not.”  
“Um… Okay, I can do that.”  
“I have one last thing to give you.” 

Erwin walked over to his night table and opened a drawer. Inside the drawer was a brown leather book that he handed to you.

“This is a journal. It is for you to write your thoughts when you feel the urge to drink. I won’t be available to speak with you at all hours of the day. It is purely for expression and you are not required to show it to anyone, including myself.”  
“I don’t really know how to write…”  
“You can read, can’t you?”  
“Yeah kinda… I was trying to read those books you gave me but I didn't understand them that well.”  
“I’m not asking you to write literature. I’m asking you to write your feelings. Whether it makes sense or not is irrelevant. Do it for yourself.” 

You appreciated everything he had done for you. You felt comforted by his attempt to help you. He said he wouldn't give up on you and he meant it. He was a man of his word after all. 

“Heh, you know, you’re a better pretend doctor than that quack I went to.”  
“I’m not a doctor. I have no understanding of medicine or what makes the human body function, I’m merely experimenting here.”  
“I still like you better.” 

Erwin gave you a soft smile and you smiled back at him. It was a little moment but one that made your heart briefly flutter. Soon, you would feel that sensation often when you were near him. He gave you courage, hope, and strength. You felt nothing but adoration for him but not everyone felt the same way. Some people wanted him dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi is coming next chapter, friends :)


	4. The Sun

You experienced your first expedition which changed you for life forever. You witnessed Griffin’s death and briefly saw your mother on the way back. You tried your hardest to stop drinking on your own which resulted in a dangerous withdrawal. You felt completely alone until Erwin and Miche found you. Erwin proposed a new strategy to help you stop drinking. He gave you a flask to control the amount you drink and required a weekly report from you. Despite everything he was already tasked with he offered to listen to you. Talking about your problems would certainly help but you didn't have someone you wholeheartedly trusted until now. 

A week later you knocked on the door of Erwin’s office. He was at his desk reading a book. There were shelves of books on both sides of the room. You handed in your first consumption report to him. After handing it in you stayed in place debating to ask for a moment of his time or not. Erwin noticed your reluctance to leave. 

“Is there something you needed?”  
“Um… Captain Erwin, do you have a minute?”  
“Yes, I do,” Erwin said closing his book. “What’s on your mind, Soldier?”  
“Oh, really?”  
“Sit, let’s talk.” 

You pulled a wooden chair to his desk and sat directly across from him. Erwin patiently waited for you to start as you fidgeted in your chair nervously. 

“So… The sun’s out today…”  
“Yes, it is,” Erwin casually agreed. “But I doubt you’re here to talk about the weather.”  
“Um…”  
“I’ll pose a question then. We’ll start there.”  
“Okay…”  
“On the way back from the expedition you saw something that disturbed you. What was it?”  
“Oh that… I um…”  
“…”  
“I… I saw my mother…”  
“…”  
“She was in the crowd… With a little boy… Who looked like her.”  
“…”  
“So, I think I have a brother…” 

You let out a sad chuckle and looked down. Thankfully, you were opening up and making progress. It was important for him to be patient and let you reveal your emotional baggage slowly. 

“You’ve mentioned your father before,” Erwin said. “But you've never spoken about your mother.”  
“That’s because I don’t know her… I just remember—”  
“Yes, go on.”  
“The day she left… and left me with the drunken bastard. I found out she wanted to live a better life… With her boyfriend in Trost… I wasn't invited… Guess they had a child and everything…” 

Erwin wasn't surprised by the sad tale. Children being abandoned wasn't uncommon but it took a truly heartless individual to do that. Erwin stayed silent and let you continue.  
“Sometimes I wonder…Why was I left behind? Was I not good enough? What did I do wrong..?”  
“It likely has nothing to do with you personally,” he finally spoke up. “Simply put, your mother chose herself over you. She decided to give herself better her life at the cost of her own child. Many people in the world choose themselves over others. It isn't uncommon.”  
“Doesn’t make it right.”  
“No, it doesn’t.” 

You looked away for a moment and Erwin observed how much the subject hurt you. This was something else you had to handle in order to move forward. 

“I’ll give you time off if you want to go see your mother,” he said.  
“I don’t.”  
“It might do you some good.”  
“I don’t need to see her and don’t you dare order me to.”  
“That is your personal choice. I won't force you.”

You gave it some thought but you couldn't stomach seeing her. You also didn't want to see her son. Erwin meant well but you just weren't ready for that. You changed the subject taking some of the heat off of yourself. 

“How about you? Do you have any family?”  
“My father died when I was young.”  
“Was he sick?”  
“No.”  
“Oh…”  
“He was murdered.” 

You were surprised by Erwin’s honest response and saw the distant pain in his eyes. It was the first time you saw him show any vulnerability and you realized you weren't the only one who had some demons to deal with. 

“Do you… Want to talk about it?”  
“We’re speaking for your benefit, not mine.”  
“Right…” 

There was a moment of silence between the two of you. You spoke up before Erwin could bring the conversation back to you. 

“Can I ask you a question?” you asked him.  
“What is it?”  
“It’s not about you, I was just thinking about something… Those expeditions are… Brutal.”  
“Yes, they are.”  
“Do you think maybe… We can’t get past a certain point because we’re not supposed to?”  
“Explain.”  
“The Scouts are trying to explore what's beyond the walls which is… Nearly impossible because of the Titans. What if the Titans are guarding something…”  
“Your theory is that the Titans are purposely keeping us from advancing?”  
“I don’t know… Maybe there’s something out there that doesn't want to be found.”  
“You believe there is life beyond the walls?”  
“Who knows,” you shrugged. “anything is possible— I’m just thinking out loud— and don’t say I’m drunk because I’m not.”  
“No, I think you’re onto something…”  
“Really?” 

Erwin leaned in a little with his hands folded together. You sparked his interest without even realizing it. 

“I’ve thought that very thing myself…”  
“Huh…”  
“We’re more likeminded than I originally presumed.”  
“Yeah… I’m starting to think so too. You called me self destructive and reckless once but you’re a bit of a daredevil yourself.”  
“Is that what you’ve gathered about me?”  
“I know a gambler when I see one, Sir.”  
“If you’re suggesting I’m unconventional then you are correct. I am willing to take necessary risks.”  
“That makes two of us then.” 

You smiled mischievously and he smiled back slightly. Erwin believed he could trust you and thought to go into more detail about his theories at a later time. You were smarter than others gave you credit for. Currently, getting through your alcohol dependency was a priority. He didn't mind giving you his time. He enjoyed your company and hearing you speak. Of course, he couldn't spend all day with you.

“You know, this wasn’t so bad,” you said getting up.  
“I’m glad it was helpful.”  
“Anyway, I’ll leave you alone now. I probably bothered you enough already…”  
“It’s no bother. I learned a lot about you.”  
“Huh?”  
“Nevermind that, you’re dismissed.” 

You walked out but before shutting the door you you watched him through the crack. He grabbed your report and began to read it. Part of his hair fell out of place while reading and he tucked it back where it belonged. He noticed you watching him and you shut the door quickly. Erwin shook his head mildly amused by your shyness at that moment. You were not a shy person so that was unusual. In truth, he would have liked to speak to you for a little longer. There was something invigorating about you. He admired your fighting spirit most of all.

Erwin learned you shared his thoughts about the titans. You didn't realize how much that meant to him. In his youth, Erwin would share his theory with others who thought it was nonsense. With time he learned to keep his theories to himself and was more selective with who he trusted. He still blamed himself for his father’s death. It was what fueled his hunger to take back humanity. His ambitions kept him going every day, ambitions you were unaware of. 

There was darkness to Erwin that he kept hidden. He could be cutthroat and ruthless. He was willing to do whatever he needed for the cause he believed in. He was not above blackmail either. To you, he was an inspiration. He gave you the strength to stick with your plan. One hundred days passed by and you continued to write your consumption reports in addition to doing your duties. You were more social and even volunteered to help Hange with their research. In your free time, you trained and socialized with the other soldiers. The amount you drank was slowly reduced over time until the last day when Erwin asked for the flask back. 

Erwin stressed that this was the most crucial part of the plan. He observed you carefully for the first week. The urge to drink came and went often during the first week. After stopping you had more energy and your concentration was better. By the second week, Erwin checked in with you. 

“Two weeks sober, Sir!”  
“You’re doing well. Our strategy is working.”  
“So far, yeah.”  
“How do you feel?”  
“Better than I ever have.”  
“Keep it up. Continue to write your weekly reports until I say otherwise.”  
“Yes, Sir.”  
“Are you using the journal I gave you?”  
“Yeah… I am.”  
“Is it helping?”  
“It is.” 

At first, you didn't know what to write in your journal. After one restless night of sleep, you began to write your thoughts. You wrote about the impending doom you constantly felt. You wrote about Erwin, who you thought a lot about. It wasn't until you wrote down your feelings that you realized you were enamored with him. You could never bring yourself to say half of the things you wrote down. It felt good to share your secret with the paper. You experimented with writing poetry which you liked because it was simplistic. Soon your desire to drink was replaced with your desire to write. You began to write often. It wasn't anything you shared with anyone, it was just for you.

Erwin was proud of your recovery but it was up to you to stick with it. He couldn't do anything other than speak with you from time to time. There were other matters to tend to such as the situation with the ones from the Underground. Erwin took you, Miche, and the rest of the squad to the Underground to pursue three criminals. The three suspects were Levi Ackermann, Furlan Church, and Isabel Magnolia. The squad was given the order to capture them. 

You have never been to the Underground before and it was terribly tragic. The people there lived without sunlight and many people lost the use of their legs as a result. You were thankful you lived above ground, not that you had it any easier. Even if you lived on the surface you didn't truly see the sun until now. Your life was shrouded in darkness up until now. You were conflicted about this mission. You empathized with them but you had your orders.

Miche and Erwin engaged with Levi as the rest of you apprehended Furlan and Isabel. At that point, Levi didn't resist anymore. Erwin questioned Levi about the ODM gear they obtained and how they learned to use it. You stood on the side watching him and when Levi didn't respond Miche shoved Levi’s face into the puddle. You thought that was a little unnecessary. Furlan spoke up explaining that they were self taught and that someone who lives in sunlight wouldn't understand their situation. 

You resented Furlan’s statement. He assumed that those above ground lived better lives. Suffering was suffering whether it was above or below ground. You wanted to say that but you knew better. You bit your tongue out of respect for Erwin. He kneeled down and offered Levi a deal similar to the one he offered you. Levi agreed to join the Scout Regiment. Unlike you, he didn't regard Erwin as his savior. You saw the way Levi looked at Erwin with such hatred in his eyes.

That look of hate was a red flag. You kept your eyes on the trio and got a bad feeling from them. Unbeknownst to you, getting captured was all a part of the plan. They were hired by a Nobel named Nicholas Lovof. Their mission was to kill Erwin and recover the documents in his possession. Completing this job would grant them surface citizenship and a significant amount of money. Lovof also had their friend Yan taken to a hospital within wall Sina to convince them to do the job.

Your loyalty belonged to Erwin and their loyalty was to one another. You started your own investigation on them. They always met together in isolated places. You couldn't hear what was being said very well but they were looking for something. What exactly they were looking for you didn't know. You needed to know more so you could report back to Erwin. You decided to earn their trust and use the skills you had as a former con-artist to get what you needed. 

They were treated harshly by Flagon and other soldiers. They looked down on them more than they looked on you. The soldier who bunked above you died on the last expedition. Isabel was in the same quarters with you which allowed you plenty of time to observe her. Isabel hung upside down from her bunk and you approached her.

“Hey there, roomie.” 

She frowned and sat up looking away from you. You got into your bunk as Isabel sat cross legged on her bed. You opened your journal and grabbed a pen. You began to write and casually started a conversation with Isabel. 

“So, which one of those handsome young men is your boyfriend?”  
“Gross!”  
“Huh?” 

Isabel hung upside down again to look at you inside of your bunk. She seemed almost offended by that. 

“We’re family… That’s gross.”  
“You’re not actually related are you?”  
“You don’t have to be related to be family!”  
“Yeah… That’s true…” 

The three of them seemed to have the sort of solidarity you envied. You were briefly reminded of your trio that fell apart.

“Sorry,” you said. “I just assumed.”  
“Hmph.”  
“So, what are you most excited for?”  
“Huh?”  
“There must be something you want to do in the Scouts. Any goals? I heard you’re really good at horseback.”  
“Yeah… I like horses.”  
“What else do you like? Come on, let’s get to know each other a little.”

Isabel wasn't as sharp as Levi or Furlan but she caught onto what you were doing. The three of them had the same street smarts you did. Isabel sensed something was off about you and wondered what you were scribbling down. Were you writing down information? 

“What are you writing?” Isabel asked.  
“Nothing important.”  
“Let me see!” 

Isabel tried to snatch the journal swinging herself inward. You pushed her away defensively and she fell out of the upper bunk. 

“Don’t touch it,” you said sternly. “or else.” 

Isabel got up and dusted herself off like it was no big deal. She balled her hands into a fist ready to fight. 

“Or else what!?”  
“Or they’ll need to replace my bunk buddy again,” you threatened.  
“Oh yeah!? I’ll—”

Isabel thought of how disappointed Levi and Furlan would be if she got into a fight. They were here to do a job and that was it. They shouldn't draw attention to themselves. She forced herself to back off even though she wanted to beat you up. 

“I’m going to bed… Don’t bother me!”  
“Fine.” 

Isabel didn't trust you and thought you were hiding something. You thought she was hiding something as well. Next, you tried to get it out of Furlan. You purposely bumped Furlan in the hallway pretending to not have seen him coming. You purposely fell down and rubbed your head.

“Ow…”  
“You should watch where you’re going,” Furlan first scolded.  
“Sorry…” 

He sighed and then held his hand out to you. You took his hand and Furlan pulled you to your feet.

“Are you alright?  
“Yeah, I’m fine.”  
“Please be more careful.”  
“Okay, I promise.” 

Furlan nodded and walked away. You started to walk after him trying to regain his attention. 

“Hey, you’re one of the new recruits right?”  
“You were there during our capture. Why pretend you’ve never seen me before?”  
“That’s right! Sorry… I’m a little forgetful…”  
“…”  
“No hard feelings right?” 

You smiled and Furlan stopped walking. He wasn't buying the cute ditzy act you were putting on. 

“What do you want?” Furlan asked bluntly.  
“You, if you don’t mind.” 

You touched the edge of his jacket’s collar with a fingertip. You slid your finger along the collar seductively and Furlan swatted your hand away. 

“Not interested.”  
“Tell me why you’re really here and I’ll give you a reward.”  
“Do you honestly think I’d sell out my friends for sex with a stranger?”  
“Some people would.”  
“Stay out of this,” Furlan warned.  
“And what is ‘this?’ ”  
“You’ll get hurt.”  
“Answer me!” 

Furlan walked away refusing to give anything away. He gave you a warning because he didn't want to kill anyone who wasn't the target. Killing anyone else would weigh heavily on his conscience. That still didn't stop him from reporting the incident to Levi. The three of them gathered to discuss the third party meddling in their plans. 

“Levi, someone is onto us,” Furlan said.  
“Who?”  
“That soldier that’s always near Erwin Smith. She tried seducing me for information.”  
“Yeah!” Isabel exclaimed. “She tried getting me to talk too but I didn't say anything!”  
“If she’s trying to get you two to spill it then they don’t know anything. We have nothing to worry about.”  
“Are you sure, Levi?”  
“Yeah.”  
“You know, she’s got this journal she's always carrying around. She’s super protective over it too,” Isabel said. “So I took it! She left it under her pillow like a dummy.”  
“Well, It isn't impossible he left the documents with someone he trusts,” Furlan said. “That was smart, Isabel.”  
“Hehe… Thanks!”  
“Let me see that.” 

Isabel handed Levi your journal and he opened it. Isabel and Furlan looked over his shoulder. He opened to the most recent poem you wrote in your spare time. 

“The Sun is always bright  
even while the clouds  
and the blood  
block my view  
he burns with the anger  
of fallen men  
I envy the Sun  
because he is brave  
when I am not  
I thought the Sun  
would burn me  
as others have but  
he is warm” 

None of them were expecting that. This wasn’t a book of Survey Corps secrets, this was a diary. 

“Eh? It’s a.. love poem?” Isabel asked Levi.

Levi didn't answer Isabel and flipped through the pages. He found more poems and short diary entries. For someone who wasn't well educated, you had a way with words. It came from the heart. Levi shut the book dissatisfied with what they found. 

“Put this back where you found it, Isabel,” Levi said handing it back to her. “It's useless.”  
“It was worth a try,” Furlan added. “Besides, knowing whose close to him isn't completely useless information. From the look of it, this soldier deeply admires him so she’s not someone we can trust.”  
“We already knew that.” 

Levi didn't care very much about your feelings towards Erwin but it did complicate things. If you got in the way you might have to die too. Levi didn't necessarily like the idea of having to kill another person but he would if he had to. The 23rd expedition was coming up and the trio decided to use it to steal the document and kill Erwin. This time the Commander implemented Erwin’s long-range scouting formation and the use of flares. 

The strategy itself was good but it wasn't made for poor weather conditions. It began to rain making it difficult to see. The signal flares became useless and Erwin instructed you to follow directly behind him to avoid getting lost. Meanwhile, Levi decided to kill Erwin now and said goodbye to his friends to do so. On the way to kill Erwin in the thick fog and the heavy rain, Levi missed an abnormal Titan. Worried about his friends Levi turned back and saw they were both dead. Isabel’s severed head laid on the wet ground and the titan spat out what remained of Furlan. 

Something inside of him snapped and he unleashed his fury on the Titan. It was similar to what you experienced on the previous expedition but even more ferocious. When the rain stopped and the skies cleared you, Erwin, and a few other soldiers arrived at the scene. Levi was standing near the Titan’s body enraged and devastated by the death of his friends. You felt his anger and you sympathized with him until he attacked Erwin. Levi exclaimed that he would kill him and that’s what they were here to do. You knew it. You knew they were here to do something awful.

You drew your swords ready to attack Levi but Erwin handled it himself. He threw out a document telling Levi that it was fake and the real documents were already gone. He failed and he lost everything. Levi had hit rock bottom just like you and had nothing else to live for. Erwin told him not to regret his decisions or others would make his choices for him. Those words disarmed him and changed his life forever. He vowed to not regret this and stay with the Survey Corps. 

You did not trust Levi. You thought he might have been lying again to get closer to Erwin to avenge his friends. He had all the reason to hold it against him. Levi let go of his desire to kill Erwin. Now, he wanted to follow him. A few days later you entered the room Levi was in and let the other soldiers pass. Once he was alone you stood in front of the door with your arms crossed. Levi stayed in place waiting for you to say something. He had a feeling you would confront him sooner or later but he wasn't in the mood for any games. 

“First, I’m sorry about your friends,” you said sincerely. “I really am.”  
“…”  
“But if you ever try to hurt Erwin Smith again… I’ll kill you.”  
“…”  
“I mean it.” 

Levi walked up to you without any fear. He was significantly shorter than you and so he had to look up at you. 

“Get out of my way.”  
“Make me, pipsqueak.”  
“Tch. I don’t like to repeat myself but I will because you seem to be a moron.” 

Levi gave you a chance to change your mind for the same reason Furlan gave you a warning. You weren't a bad person. You were merely protecting the person you cared for. You weren't backing down. Most people were afraid of Levi but you were not. You threw the first punch and Levi grabbed you by the wrist stopping your punch. He squeezed your wrist firmly showing that he meant business. In retaliation, you kneed him in the gut. He dropped to one knee but didn't let go of your wrist. 

You had balls to challenge him and he had to admire that. You also weren't a bad fighter since you had your fair share of street fights. Just from your movements, Levi could tell you spent time on the streets as well. He swung you around by your wrist and then let go sending you into a chair that broke. He stayed where he was since he had no desire to fight you in the first place. When rising from the pile of broken wood you slipped your hand into your boot. 

You rushed towards Levi for the second time now with a knife. You were fast and just graze his cheek when he dodged you. The look in your eyes was one he recognized well. It was fury and the determination to protect what you loved no matter what. Levi effortlessly disarmed you and pinned you down. He held the knife to your throat and looked down at you with a cold dead stare. 

“It’s over,” he said. “give up.”  
“No.” 

You kicked Levi in the face with your boot pushing him off in the process. The knife fell out of his hand and you quickly had the upper hand now. You pinned him down and he struggled against your grip.

“Enough!” a stern voice demanded.

You didn't even need to look up to know exactly who that was. You knew his voice well enough by now. 

“I expected better,” Erwin scolded both of you. “This sort of fighting is pointless.”  
“Captain Erwin, you can’t trust him!”  
“That is not for you to say. You’re out of line, Soldier.” 

You felt guilty and let go of Levi. He gave you the side eye and wiped his face with his sleeve. He didn't like that boot print you left on his face. You were always walking around in the dirt and mud… Disgusting. 

“Did I order you to kill Levi?” Erwin sternly asked you.  
“No, Sir.”  
“Then why did you act on your own?”  
“I…I um—“  
“Do not act without a direct order from me,” Erwin turned his attention to Levi. “and why did you participate in this foolishness?”  
“I was defending myself,” Levi said. “Keep your guard dog on a leash.”

You shot Levi a heated glare and he looked at you unapologetic for his remark. Erwin sighed in frustration. He could just feel the hostility from you two. You and Levi were his two strongest soldiers next to Miche. He would need you two to corporate in the future for the sake of humanity. This could not continue. 

“I’d like both of you to get to know each other better by cleaning the stables,” Erwin stated. “It will do you some good.”  
“Again with the stables?” you complained.  
“Would you prefer a harsher punishment?”  
“No, no… The stables are good!”  
“Idiot…” Levi mumbled under his breath. 

You and Levi continued to glare at each other intensely as Erwin dismissed you both. This was just the beginning of your rivalry with Levi Ackermann.


	5. Rivals

After your confrontation with Levi, both of you headed to the stables separately. Erwin ordered that you two clean it as punishment. He scolded you for acting without an order and trying to kill Levi. You just wanted to make it clear that you wouldn’t let anything happen to Erwin. Things got a little out of hand. From what you could tell Levi was a brooding jackass. Understandably, life in the Underground made him this way but you still didn't like him. Your personalities clashed. Levi had his own opinions about you. He thought you were overzealous, immature, and lovesick. Dealing with you was irritating for him. 

In reality, you two had a lot in common. Erwin recognized the similarities and purposely forced you two to work together. He thought having someone to relate to would be helpful for both of you. Your childhood trauma resulted in an alcohol addiction that you only recently were able to get a hold on. For Levi, growing up in a filthy home in the underground led to an obsession with cleanliness. He longed for a clean home and despised whatever he deemed to be unclean. Similar to your drinking problem, obsessions and compulsions were not recognized by the doctors as an illness. It was seen as an oddity or a personality quirk. You both coped with your trauma to the best of your ability.

When you entered the stables you saw Levi wearing a handkerchief on his head and around his mouth. He also had a white apron on and gloves. It was overkill and made you raise an eyebrow. 

“What are you wearing?” you asked.  
“We’re cleaning.”  
“Um… Okay… But why are you always wearing a napkin?”  
“A napkin?”  
“Yeah, that white thing around your neck.”  
“It’s called an ascot.”  
“It looks dumb.”  
“That makes two dumb looking things in one place then.”  
“Tch. Pretentious asshole… Who are you trying to impress!?”  
“Unlike you, I take pride in my appearance.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“I can just see the dirt on your clothes… and you smell.”  
“We’re in a stable!”  
“Yeah, and I can still smell you. That’s how bad it is, don’t blame the horses.” 

You scowled at Levi trying to think of a comeback but couldn't come up with one. He won that round. Levi went to get the shovels as you plopped down in a pile of hay and put your arms behind your head. He soon returned holding two shovels and was appalled by your laziness. 

“Get off your ass and do something,” Levi spat at you.  
“Why should I?”  
“So, you’re gonna make me do all the work?”  
“Yup, that’s the plan.” 

Levi put the shovels down and grabbed a bucket. He silently left the stable with the bucket while you sat back with your eyes closed. You decided to take a little nap. Your eyes flew open when you felt the water hit you in one big splash. Levi stood above you holding the bucket and the corner of his mouth curled into a smirk. 

“WHAT THE HELL!?” you screamed.  
“Like I said, you smell. Take a goddamn shower.”

You balled your hands into a fist and got up. Some of the hay stuck to your body because of the water. You were completely soaked and mad as hell. You pulled a fistful of his shirt and picked him off the ground just a bit.

“Now I really am gonna kill you!!!” 

Levi was unfazed by your reaction since it was expected. You were a hothead. Easy to set off and always ready to go. He knew your type. 

“You’re pathetic. Grow up.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“You’re stuck doing something you don’t like because you attacked me. Suck it up and get to work.”  
“I attacked you because you tried to kill Captain Erwin. You’re probably waiting for the right time to try again. I know you are!”  
“You’re wasting your time chasing him around,” Levi said bluntly.  
“…”  
“So knock it off already.” 

Levi’s words were an ice cold dagger to your heart. You put him down and took a moment to cool down. You wondered how he knew how you felt about Erwin. Did you really make it that obvious?

“…Why would you say that?”  
“Because it's the truth,” Levi said impassively. “He’s looking ahead while you’re always behind him like a sad puppy. He’s not looking at you. Have some dignity.” 

There was some truth to Levi’s words. Erwin was a man focused on his goal. He was dedicated to the cause and practically married to the Survey Corps. He didn't have time for relationships nor did he aspire for a domesticated lifestyle. He swore to stay single for as long as he lived. In addition to that, your role as a soldier made it difficult for Erwin to see you as anything beyond that. You did follow behind him because you believed in him. You aspired to be brave and courageous just like him. Levi’s attempt to discourage you was futile.

“I’m aware he's focused on the future and his priority is humanity… But every now and then he looks over his shoulder to make sure I’m alright… Even if it’s the slightest nod or nothing at all, I know I’ve been seen. Maybe I’m delusional but I mean it when I say I won’t let anything happen to him.”  
“…”  
“So please, don’t take my light.” 

Levi was moved by your honest words but he didn't show it. It had a similar effect on him that your poem did. If he was being perfectly honest with himself, he liked that poem you wrote. Everyone needed to find the light in their lives whether it was literal or figurative. Without the light people would wither away and die just as they did in the Underground. 

“Tch. Idiot… I have no reason to kill him now.”  
“Then why didn't you just say that before?”  
“As if it would've mattered… You were determined to kill me. I saw it in your eyes.” 

You felt a little guilty about the way you acted. It didn't seem like Levi had any intention of harming Erwin. Levi admired your loyalty but found it equally annoying. You could be so rash. 

“Just… Promise me you won’t try anything, okay?”  
“I don’t have to promise you anything,” he retorted.  
“But you just said—”  
“I made my choice,” Levi said curtly. “I don’t care if you trust me or not, that’s not my problem.”  
“Tch. Dick.”  
“Slob.”  
“Prick.”  
“Bum.”  
“Half-pint!”

A shadow was cast over Levi’s eyes. Insulting his height was most effective on him. Before Levi could prepare another insult he heard a small noise. It was a cat’s meow so faint that it wasn't surprising you didn't hear it. He stayed silent trying to listen for it again. 

“Come on, little man!” you yelled. “I can do this all day! Or did you run out of—“  
“Quiet,” he snapped.  
“Who do you think you are telling me to—”  
“Shut your mouth.” 

You were annoyed with Levi but stayed quiet like he said. This time you heard the tiny meow as well.

“What’s that?” you asked him.  
“Why are you asking me?”  
“Because you heard it first, do you have to be a jerk about everything?”

Levi ignored you and walked in the direction the sound came from. You followed him and were still a little heated from your pissing contest. Levi walked into one of the empty horse stalls and saw a large white and orange cat sitting on her side licking a kitten that had just been born. The kitten’s ears were folded and their eyes were closed. They were small, helpless, and unable to stand on their own. The mother cat made sure to lick them clean and keep them warm. Any hostility you and Levi had for each other was quelled by the tender maternal moment. 

Cat births were lengthy and could take several hours to deliver the entire litter. You told Levi to stay put and ran off. He yelled at you for leaving him so abruptly but you ignored him. You went to get Erwin and entered his office without knocking first. 

“Captain Erwin!”  
“What happened?”  
“You have to come right away!” 

Erwin immediately got up from his desk and followed you. He thought something serious had happened. Did you try to kill Levi again? Erwin questioned you on the way to the stables. 

“What’s going on?” he asked you.  
“You’ll see.”  
“Where’s Levi?”  
“In the stables.”  
“and why are you wet?”  
“Doesn't matter.”  
“I would appreciate more context if you don't mind.”  
“You’ll see!”

You were very vague but you didn't appear to be in distress. Nothing was on fire and apparently, Levi was alive. Erwin didn't have a clue what all the fuss was about. You led him to the stables and entered the stall where the mother cat was. Levi was there as well keeping an eye on them. Erwin was just a little annoyed by the false alarm. 

“I thought there was an emergency…”  
“Oh, what made you think that?”  
“You told me to come right away.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Soldier—“ Erwin sighed and decided to let it go. “Never mind… I’m glad to see everything is alright.”  
“Look,” you said. “But make sure you give her some space.” 

Erwin humored you and observed the mother cat from afar. While you were gone the second kitten in the litter was born. The three of you were completely silent. No one wanted to kill anyone. For a moment the Titans didn't exist. The only thing that matter at that moment was this cat and her newborn kittens. You were in awe at the beautiful miracle of life as you stood between them. You three had seen and experienced so much death that you forgot life goes on. 

Levi watched how excited you were which reminded him of Isabel. He was briefly reminded of the bird she protected with her life. At first, he didn't understand why that bird was so very important. It became what brought him, Isabel, and Furlan together. It was a moment of empathy for another living creature. As Levi reflected on his experiences, Erwin also watched you in the corner of his eye. He noted your excitement and your sadness. 

A single tear rolled down your cheek. You never saw something so beautiful with your own eyes. Erwin made a motion to put his arm around you for comfort but came to his senses before it was too late. He realized that would have been inappropriate of him. The strange motion didn't go unnoticed by Levi. It did go unnoticed by you since you were still in awe. It turns out you were not delusional. He did look at you and cared about you much more than the other soldiers. It showed in both his actions and words. 

“You should go change out of those wet clothes before you catch a cold,” Erwin said to you.  
“I’m fine.”  
“Do I have to turn my suggestion into an order?”  
“Fine… But I’m coming back.”  
“Of course, you still need to clean the stables,” Erwin reminded you.  
“How about I watch the cats while Levi cleans the stables?”  
“Quit trying to get out of it you lazy bum,” Levi quipped.  
“Quit calling me a bum.”  
“I’ll stop calling you a bum when you stop with the short jokes. It’s a cheap shot.”  
“You’re short, it’s a fact. I can’t change it.”  
“I see you’re getting along better already,” Erwin joked. “Good.” 

You both looked at Erwin with half lidded expressions. You made an annoyed sigh and left the stables to go back to your quarters. Erwin and Levi were left together. You looked over your shoulder for a moment and questioned if it was wise to leave them together. You decided to trust Levi. You believed he was telling the truth and moved on. He might not be so bad after all. Levi looked at Erwin from the corner of his eye. Your relationship was none of his business but he tended to call out bullshit when he smelled it. 

“Do you always play favorites?” Levi bluntly asked Erwin.  
“I beg your pardon?”  
“Play dumb all you want. Just don’t make it so obvious.” 

Erwin caught Levi’s implication and remained casual about it. Levi was sharp and lying to him was pointless but Erwin stuck to his guns. 

“I would appreciate it if you didn't start any rumors, Levi. Those spread quickly and are hard to stop once they start.”  
“Like I have nothing better to do… Give me a break.”  
“I assure you our relationship is strictly professional.”  
“I couldn't give less of a shit.” 

Levi walked off disinterested in discussing the subject any further. He returned to cleaning the stables and Erwin went back to his office. Erwin was confident Levi wasn't going to start any trouble because he had no reason to. Meddling in someone else’s relationship was stupid to him. Still, he was right that Erwin was playing dumb. He was aware of your feelings for him and had developed feelings of his own. His position over you made things complicated and so he chose to do what he felt was right. He suppressed his feelings and focused on his duty. 

When it became night you returned to the stables and found Levi brushing a horse. While you were gone he did most of the work himself. He thought you were purposely stalling to get out of your punishment. At that point he didn't care anymore, he just wanted to get this task over with. 

“I’m back.”  
“It took you long enough.”  
“I took a shower since a certain someone kept saying I smell.”  
“It doesn't take three hours to shower. It takes three minutes.”  
“Who showers in three minutes?”  
“…”  
“Well, I also had a snack.”  
“Tch. Unbelievable.”  
“Hey, before you start getting all pissy, I brought you something too.” 

You tossed Levi an apple which he caught with his free hand. He stared at it like some foreign object. 

“Well, go ahead and eat it.”  
“I don’t eat when I clean. That’s unsanitary.”  
“You don’t take any breaks?”  
“No. I get the job done.”  
“Alright, I’ll help you do the rest.”  
“I’m almost done, no thanks to you.”  
“No way, that was really fast.”  
“I don't waste time like you do.”  
“I didn't waste time!” 

Levi rolled his eyes and finished brushing the horse. He gave the apple to the horse to eat since he had no desire to eat it himself. That was a gift! He moved onto the next horse after that. You grabbed a brush and helped him brush the horses anyway. 

“So, how are the cats?” you asked.  
“Four kittens were born, one was born dead. I took care of it.”  
“Oh…” 

You were saddened to hear that. It was a painful reminder that life was as cruel as it was beautiful. The kitten that died was born tail first and drowned in its own fetal fluids. They never had the chance to live and grow. This world truly didn't care who it killed.

“Sorry you had to see that…” you said to Levi.  
“I’ve seen worse,” Levi coldly responded.  
“Yeah, me too…” 

Levi was bothered by the cat’s death which he found to be silly. He endured so much more but holding the dead kitten in his arms was another painful image burned into his mind. He chose to take care of the kitten himself instead of letting nature take care of it. When a kitten is born dead the mother will eat it to protect it from predators. That was not something he could stomach and disposed of it himself. You were smart enough to realize Levi was disturbed and was hiding it. 

“If you ever wanna talk… We can talk.”  
“Hmph.”  
“I’m not being sarcastic,” you assured him. “I mean it.”  
“I don’t need your pity,” he snapped.  
“Well fine, just thought I’d offer, asshole.” 

You were strange to him. One minute you were extremely irritating and the next you were almost kind. You were one of the few people that could get away with half of what you said to him. He almost enjoyed the banter. You weren't friends but you weren't enemies either. He couldn't decide if he liked you or hated your guts. It was a little bit of both and the feeling was mutual.


	6. Erwin's Operative Part 1

For the first week, the kittens were kept in the stables with their mother. After that, they were removed. You practically begged Erwin to let you take care of them. You were allowed to keep them in your quarters as long as your new roommate agreed as well. You were overjoyed to have new friends in your quarters. The mother cat spent most of her time laying on her side feeding the kittens. 

She wasn't very active and you made her a little bed with an old basket and some linens. The kittens slept in the basket with her and she gave them her warmth. After three full weeks, the kittens began to walk around and pounce on each other. You enjoyed watching them play. Your mental health improved significantly with the presence of the cats. Your anxiety was reduced which helped you resist your urge to drink. Erwin decided you no longer needed to write your consumption and sobriety reports. You were doing well and sticking to your plan. 

You weren't the only one who enjoyed the presence of the cats. Levi came around sometimes to see them, but that didn't mean he wanted to see you. He would sit in a chair observing the cats and occasionally dangled a string in front of them. You ignored him as and wrote in your journal. At least, you tried to ignore him.

“Your room is filthy,” Levi complained.  
“No it’s not.”  
“These poor cats have to live in your filth.”  
“What are you talking about!? I take good care of them!” 

He was so unbearably rude and you wanted to throw him out of your room. Instead, you would leave the room and then come back when he was gone. Once, when you returned you found your bed made, your room cleaned, and your things reorganized. He couldn't help himself from cleaning your room which you didn't appreciate at all! You warned him not to touch your things. Of course, Levi’s visits were misunderstood by others as romantic. 

“You guys are really cute,” your newest roommate said.  
“…What?”  
“So when did you two start dating?”  
“We’re not dating!”  
“Really?”  
“No way in hell! He comes for the cats!” 

Your banter with Levi didn't go unnoticed by the other soldiers either. You two always had some insult to deliver to one another. One time at dinner Levi made a snide comment about how you eat your mash potatoes. Apparently, there was a right way to eat them. You began to argue across the dinner table as Miche and Hange watched from further away eating their dinner.

“They’re at it again?” Miche asked Hange.  
“Yup!”  
“I swear, they’re an old married couple…”  
“HEY!” Hange yelled getting your attention. “Miche says get married!”  
“That isn't what I said,” Miche complained. 

You and Levi tensed up at the mere thought of it and glared at both of them in disgust. Hange continued to grin enthusiastically. 

“Ew! What the hell!?” you yelled. “No way!”  
“If anyone should be repulsed it should be me,” Levi dryly stated.  
“What?” you snapped at Levi. “I’m not good enough to be your wife!?”  
“You really want me to answer that?”  
“Well, you’re too short to be my husband!”

You stood up and put your hand above your head. Some of the other soldiers snickered at your attempt to humiliate Levi. 

“You gotta be this tall.”  
“Your short jokes are getting old,” Levi coolly mocked you. “I guess you’re so simple minded that you can only come up with one good comeback.”  
“Tch. I have a ton!”  
“Also, you act like it’s some sort of loss. As if I’d want a headache for every day of my life…” 

You clenched your teeth angrily as Levi casually sipped his beverage and kept apathetic eye contact. While you thought of something to say, Hange obsessed over your nonexistent relationship. 

“Ahhh! They’re perfect!”  
“HANGE!” you shouted. “NO!”

Hange seemed to like the idea of the two strongest units getting together and having some sort of superhuman baby. You wouldn't hear anything of it. You had no attraction to Levi, however, you were rather competitive with him. Levi quickly became recognized as humanity’s strongest soldier. You were the second strongest and Miche was the third. Levi’s fighting style was unique. He held one of his swords in the reverse grip. It was something no one else did and he was fast, really fast. 

On the most recent expedition, you perched on a tree waiting for the right moment to strike a titan approaching. As soon as you jumped up and propelled yourself forward, Levi came out of nowhere with his spin attack. He sliced the Titan’s nape and you quickly changed directions to avoid him. You hit a tree instead. You were beyond annoyed with his interface and made it known.

“That Titan was mine to kill!” you complained.  
“Who cares? It’s dead.”  
“If I set my sights on a target it’s my target. Not yours.”  
“There’s plenty of Titans to kill so stop wasting time and kill them.” 

Levi moved onto the next Titan refusing to waste another moment on you. Out of battle, he argued with you more. In battle, he interacted with you as little as possible. He was focused on doing his job but he wasn't a team player, at least not with you. You wanted to prove that anything he could do, you could do better. In a stupid attempt to prove your superiority you tried out his reverse grip technique. To you, it felt awkward. 

Trying his technique was a big mistake. You made yourself dizzy and lost your grip on the sword you were holding in reverse. The Titan you attempted to kill nearly picked you up. Levi swiftly killed the Titan and then confronted you while wiping his sword.

“Don’t copy me,” he chastised you.  
“I wasn't copying you.”  
“You’ll kill yourself that way.”  
“I just wanted to see if it was more comfortable.”  
“Focus on your own talents.”

Once again Levi quickly moved on not bothering to dispute with you further. He was right, you had your own unique abilities. You were one of the few soldiers who had plenty of gas left over by the end of every expedition. You learned how to get to high places and outrun authorities at a young age. Erwin saw you do it and knew it would be a useful skill for a Scout. You could swing your body from one tree branch to another without the assistance of the ODM gear. You were also fast but Levi was just a little faster. 

You had your talents outside of battle as well. Despite your brash personality, you were an excellent trickster from your years as a con artist. Erwin wasn't unaware of your attempts to get information out of Isabel and Furlan. At this point, there was no point in bringing it up. This was one of your other abilities he was interested in and thought of deploying you as an informant before. Erwin needed you to be stable enough to handle the pressures of espionage. He also needed you to understand the struggle within the military, which was opening a can of worms. The regular soldiers didn't know all the ins and outs of the military. 

Erwin and Commander Sadies had a discussion about the most recent issue the Scout Regiment was faced with. On the last expedition, several horses passed out and died from exhaustion. Commander Sadies thought they were pushing the horses past their limit but Erwin had a different theory. After a long discussion, the Commander permitted Erwin to handle the situation. He met with you and Levi in his office to discuss it. 

“We have reason to believe the horses being bred and sold to the Scout Regiment are not purebred,” Erwin said. “That means they are weak and can not survive the expeditions.”  
“We can’t explore outside the walls without our horses,” you said.  
“Precisely,” Erwin agreed. “This is clearly an attempt to sabotage the Scouts.”  
“Why sabotage us?” you asked Erwin.  
“There are those who belong to the Anti-scouting mission faction. Nicholas Lovof, the man who hired Levi some time ago, was the leader of this faction. Lovof was not alone, he had friends who felt the same.”  
“But why oppose the Scout Regiment?” you asked. “We’re fighting for them too.”  
“You ask a lot of damn questions,” Levi said condescendingly.  
“I was talking to him, not you.”  
“Now isn't the time to bicker,” Erwin said intervening. “I need your undivided attention.” 

You nodded and gave Erwin your attention. Levi was paying attention but he already knew a great deal of the corruption among the upper class and Military Police. 

“It is an attempt to protect their wealth and power,” Erwin told you. “For those living within wall Sina things are perfectly fine as they are. They have control over the majority of the population, including those from the Underground.” 

You glanced at Levi who didn't say a word. You turned your attention back to Erwin who noted you were a little overwhelmed. 

“I understand this is a lot for you to take in,” Erwin said. “But I need you to stay with me. There is more.”  
“I knew they were rotten… I just didn't know how rotten…”  
“Hugh Dewitt is the man who owns multiple ranches that breed our horses,” Erwin said. “The ranches are operated by slave labor. Individuals taken from the Underground are placed on the ranches.”  
“…”  
“The horses that are strong and healthy are being reserved for recreational activities such as horse races. Dewitt was a close friend of Lovof. He is well known for his lechery and extravagant parties which include horse races.”  
“…”  
“In three days Dewitt will be hosting another one of his parties. I’ll get you an invitation. I need you to retrieve the pedigree so we may prove there is foul play.”  
“How?”  
“You may use any method to obtain the documents as long as you don’t kill anyone.”  
“He wants you to seduce the piece of shit and get the documents,” Levi bluntly said.  
“Levi.”  
“No point in pretending that’s not what you want her to do.” 

Erwin sighed admitting that Levi was right. It wasn't something he wanted you to do but something he felt was necessary for the sake of the mission. 

“That is the method with the highest chance of success…”  
“…”  
“I realize this is a lot to ask of you… So I’ll give you a choice,” Erwin stated. “If you refuse to take this on, I can always put Levi in a dress.”  
“Like hell,” Levi barked.  
“Do you accept or decline the mission?” Erwin asked you.  
“Levi can show off in battle as much as he wants but this… This is all mine, so I accept.”  
“Before you agree hastily… I’m certain there will be liquor. Will you be able to control your urges?”  
“It won’t be a problem.” 

Erwin was conflicted about assigning you to this mission. You were best suited to handle this task but the environment you were walking into was similar to the world you came from. It was a world of debauchery. You came a long way since the day you first joined the Scouts. All the progress you made could be destroyed in an afternoon. It would break his heart to see you fall back into your self destructive behaviors, but that wasn't even the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario was you being discovered and killed. For the next few days, it weighed on his conscience. Erwin didn't see himself the way you did. He was aware of the darkness in his heart. 

Erwin did obtain an invitation for you and the preparations were made. You were given a fake identity with details you had to memorize. You were presented with a dark red long sleeve dress and a hat with a feather in it. The noblewomen loved their feathered hats. You also wore a wig, heeled boots, and a pair of leather gloves. Levi cruelly joked that you looked the part but you lacked the manners to pull this off. You told him to shut up and that was your farewell to each other. 

A carriage would be taking you to the party and Erwin agreed to accompany you to a certain point within wall Sina. He wore his formal military attire which was a long green coat. You gazed out the carriage’s window in silence as he observed you. Although you looked like a completely different woman it was still you. He knew you well, better than anyone else. 

“You seem troubled,” Erwin commented. 

Erwin’s voice brought you out of your trance. You turned your attention to him and shared your thoughts.

“I was just wondering… Who exactly is our enemy?”  
“That is an interesting question… For now, let’s assume anyone who opposes the Scout Regiment is our enemy.”  
“You’re hiding something from me, Sir.”  
“…”  
“If I’m going to become your spy I’d like the whole story.”  
“Then we have to start from the beginning.” 

Erwin leaned in a little and you leaned in as well. His gaze was intense as he recalled his childhood. 

“I mentioned my father to you before, didn't I?”  
“Yes, you said he was murdered.”  
“He was. That is what I believe to this day, although a different story was told to the public. It was made to look like an accident. It was no accident.”  
“Why was he killed?”  
“My father was a school teacher and I was an over curious child. It was a bad habit of mine.”  
“…”  
“One day I asked him a question and he gave me an answer, in private. He believed there is life beyond the walls and the royal government altered the memories of the citizens somehow.”  
“…”  
“Foolishly, I shared my father’s theory with the other children. Shortly after, my father was killed.” 

Erwin delivered the story in a very matter of fact manner but you could tell it pained him. He looked to the side for a moment and then back at you. 

“Don’t blame yourself,” you said softly. “You were just a child…”

Erwin appreciated the sentiment but continued with his story. He wasn't telling you this for sympathy, he was telling you to make you aware of the danger. You were one of the few people who believed his theories. They weren't that outlandish to you and if it were all lies his father wouldn't have been killed. 

“There are those who do the government’s bidding and get rid of anyone who threatens their wealth and power. They exist within the Military Police Regiment. That, is what you need to look out for.”  
“…”  
“I won’t lie to you. I’m sending you into a den of wolves. It’s very possible they will tear you apart. You may be captured, tortured, and killed. It isn't too late to change your mind.”  
“I won't change my mind.”  
“Are you afraid?”  
“No.” 

You were intimidated but not enough to give up on the mission. Erwin thought you were truly a force to be reckoned with but he still worried about your safety. He almost wanted you to change your mind.

“I admire your courage, I always have.”  
“And I admire your leadership.”  
“I’m aware you admire more than my leadership.” 

Your eyes widened for a moment with the first verbal acknowledgment of your adoration. You wondered how he knew and thought maybe Levi said something. You quickly remembered that Erwin was always two steps ahead of everyone. He was perceptive enough to figure it out on his own. 

You were at a loss for words as he held your gaze firmly. The close quarters of the carriage amplified the sexual tension between you two. You thought about where you were going and the possibility of never coming back. You boldly put your hand on the side of his face and leaned in. You hesitated for a moment but there was no resistance from Erwin. If anything, he was in awe by your audacity. You kissed him gently at first and then more passionately. You placed yourself on his lap and he put his hands behind you, supporting your back. 

You had both of your hands on the side of his face, tilting it upwards and kissing him as passionately as you could. You pulled away for a moment and looked into his deep blue eyes. Erwin didn't give you another moment to catch your breath and pulled you back into another strong kiss. It was the sort of kiss that made your pulse race and released your adrenaline. 

A rough bump in the road brought Erwin back to reality and he pulled away this time. He realized he was committing misconduct. There were rules he was willing to break and those he tried to stick to. He took his authority over other soldiers seriously and didn’t want to seem like he was abusing his power. He also didn't want to become romantically attached to anyone, especially a fellow soldier. 

“Soldier—”  
“Just a good luck kiss, Sir. Don’t get the wrong idea.”

That was an obvious lie but one you both chose to buy into. Your arousal was evident and so was his. You went back into your seat and smoothed out your dress. Erwin wiped the lipstick off his mouth and looked out the window evading your gaze. You touched up your makeup and evaded his gaze as well. The rest of the carriage ride was silent aside from awkward throat clearing sounds. 

Eventually, the carriage stopped and the coachman opened the door for you. You exited and gave Erwin a salute. He saluted you back and the coachman closed the door. The carriage road away as Erwin went to take care of some business of his own. He was full of mixed emotions and hoped he didn't make a terrible mistake by assigning this to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone had a great Christmas :) Happy Holidays!


	7. Erwin's Operative part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part 2, brace yourselves for a long and intense chapter. 
> 
> Also Happy New Year! :)

The estate was large, as expected, with a great deal of land surrounding it. The grass was green and freshly cut. The horses were out with the jockeys sitting on top. They trotted around for practice before the horse races began. The noblemen stood around holding glasses filled with liquor. It wasn't any of that cheap stuff you were used to drinking. It was hard liquor, the finest quality. They socialized and bragged about their businesses and their wealth. A few members of the Military Police were there acting as security. In reality, they were just enjoying themselves. The servants walked around the estate holding trays of hors' d’oeuvres and glasses of liquor. You had never seen such overindulgence before.

You slowly walked into the party observing everything. You identified the man you believed to be Hugh Dewitt. He was a tall middle aged man in a suit and a top hat. His black hair was slicked back underneath his hat and he had a handlebar mustache. He was at the center of a small group of men who were definitely kissing his ass. Dewitt enjoyed the attention. You quickly gathered that he was a showoff. You observed from afar for several minutes before a servant offered you a drink. You politely declined it. You promised yourself that this party would not break you. 

When you felt you were ready you boldly approached Dewitt interrupting the noblemen’s conversation. Apparently, that was not proper etiquette and you received a few dirty looks.

“Sorry to interrupt gentlemen,” You said sweetly. “I just wanted to greet the gracious host and thank him for his hospitality.”  
“No need to apologize to them,” Dewitt spoke up. “They bore me anyway.”  
The men grumbled as Dewitt shooed them away. He was immediately intrigued by you and your nerve. You were also very beautiful and he tried to remember where he had seen you before. 

“Have we met before?”  
“I would assume so if you invited me, good Sir.”  
“I’m sorry I just can’t recall—“  
“You would think you could remember a lady’s face, maybe not her name, but certainly her face.”  
“Well I—“  
“Ah, I see,” you said coldly turning away. “Well, I’ll just be leaving then. Perhaps it was a mistake, and to think I went through all the trouble of picking out just the right dress for your lordship.” 

You pretended to be upset and walked away. Dewitt grabbed your arm stopping you from leaving. You were a good actress, one of the best. 

“I didn't mean to offend,” Dewitt said. “Come, enjoy the party.”  
“Very well…”  
“Your hands are empty,” Dewitt said gesturing for a servant to come over. “Let’s change that.”  
“Oh, that’s—”

Before you could protest Dewitt put a glass in your hand. You moved the glass from side to side looking at the contents inside. You were tempted. 

“Is something the matter?”  
“No… Not at all.” 

You brought the glass up to your lips. At the same time, one of the noblemen called out to Dewitt asking when the race was going to start. He turned his attention to them saying it would just be a moment. 

“Excuse me,” Dewitt said. “They just can’t wait to waste their money.” 

You politely smiled and nodded. With a quick flick of the wrist, you dumped the contents of the glass. You were afraid that once you started you wouldn't be able to stop. 

Soon Dewitt started the horse race and all the jockeys lined up. The men placed their bets on the horse of their choosing. The money they were frivolously betting was substantial. Altogether it was a small fortune. You noticed Dewitt give subtle hand gestures to certain jockeys. You used the same signals with your father during your cons. The entire race was rigged but no one here would go home broke. Even if they lost several races they would still have plenty of money left over. Dewitt sat down in a chair and leaned back waiting for the race to begin. You approached him again.

“May I watch the race with you?” you politely asked Dewitt.  
“Of course.” 

Dewitt patted his lap and your blood started to boil. You reminded yourself what the objective was and that calmed you down enough to accept the offer. You sat down on his lap and tried your very best not to break character. 

The race started and the horses were off. The jockeys followed Dewitt’s signals and the horse meant to win won.

“Your horses are impressive,” you complimented him.  
“They are my pride. I spent many years breeding my fine horses.”  
“Then you must be unhappy about the Scout Regiment using them for their expeditions.”  
“Ah yes, the so called heroes of the land using my horses to fight the Titans. Do you know how many they've killed?”  
“How many?”  
“Dozens! Hundreds! Perfectly good steeds sent to their death and for what?”  
“I’m sure they’ve lost good men too.”  
“Ha! My horses are worth far more than their pathetic lives!” 

The noblemen laughed in agreement with Dewitt about the Scouts. The life of the soldiers had no value to them. It took everything in your power to not lose control and blow your cover. You seethed with a silent rage recalling the many deaths you witnessed firsthand.

“So… Do you think the Scout Regiment should cease to exist?”  
“Let’s not talk politics, my dear, that’s not something a lady should concern herself with.”  
“And what should a lady concern herself with?” you asked boldly.  
“The pleasures life has to offer her, of course.” 

Your temperament was tested again and again. Oh, how you wanted to kill him and burn the estate to the ground. Instead, you responded with a hearty chuckle. You fell back into your character playing with the collar of Dewitt’s suit. 

“Speaking of pleasures…” you forced yourself to say seductively. “Will you have a moment to slip away from this party?”  
“There will be plenty of time for that later. I’m afraid I have to entertain the gentleman some more.”  
“How unfortunate…”  
“Go, make friends with the ladies. I’ll be with you soon.” 

Dewitt practically pushed you off his lap like a pet and you walked towards the ladies’ table. The thought of making love to Dewitt was enough to make you sick to your stomach. You wanted to leave this dreadful place already. The devils around you also hungry brutes that devoured whatever was placed in front of them. The ladies were no better as they eyed you like a little lamb. You were fresh meat brought to them to chew and spit out. 

You sat down at the table with the ladies who fanned themselves and indulged in fine wine. Just like the men’s group, there was a leader of the pack. A hefty woman with a double chin and a large hat stared you down. She was none other than Mrs. Dewitt. 

“My dear, you must be parched after all the talking you’ve been doing,” she teased you. 

The ladies chuckled at that and you merely smiled. She gestured for a servant to come over. 

“My husband prefers women with a bit more meat on their bones,” She said. “Yet you’ve caught his eye. Aren’t you a lucky little thing.”  
“Your husband?” you asked.  
“I am the lady of the house. Don’t be alarmed, I don’t mind his mistresses so as long as I am free to do what I wish as well. It’s all in good fun.”

There was no love between them. It was a marriage for the sake of wealth. Mrs. Dewitt was as awful as her husband, she sickened you too. The servant approached the table. She was a young woman around your age. Her blonde hair was braided and she wore a servant’s dress. Her eyes were bright green. 

“Y-Yes ma’am, did you need something?” she asked Mrs. Dewitt.  
“Pour this young lady a drink.”  
“That’s alright—”  
“I insist,” Mrs. Dewitt said. 

The female servant picked up the wine bottle and began to pour you a glass. Mrs. Dewitt kicked her leg making her hand jerk. She spilled the glass and poured the wine on you instead. You stood up enraged. You could care less about the wine. You were angry about the treatment of this servant. 

“Excuse me for a moment,” you said calmly.  
“Take all the time you need,” Mrs. Dewitt mocked.  
“You,” you said to the servant. “Come with me. Help me clean up.”  
“Y-Yes ma’am.” 

Mrs. Dewitt thought she successfully embarrassed you in front of the other ladies. In reality, she gave you the perfect opportunity to finally go into the manor without raising suspicion. The servant took you to the washroom and patted down the wine stain on your dress. You thought that maybe she could be useful to your mission. 

“I’m so sorry… Please forgive me.”  
“Relax, I don’t care.”  
“You… Don’t?”  
“What’s your name?”  
“Um… My name is Alice Wyvil…”  
“Do you know where the Master of the house keeps his papers, Alice?”  
“That would be his office…”  
“Take me to it.”  
“Who are—“  
“Don’t ask any questions. Just do it.  
“…”  
“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Alice looked to the side a little unsure if she wanted to help you or not. She feared punishment if she was caught aiding you. She didn't even know who you were. You saw her reluctance and put a hand on your shoulder. 

“You don’t have to trust me but I need your help.” 

Alice turned back towards you and saw how genuine you were being. She hated it here. She was plucked from the Underground and forced to work, among other things. She had no loyalty to the Dewitts. 

“Okay… I’ll help you…” 

Alice exited the washroom with you and carefully led you to Hugh Dewitt’s office. Both of you looked from side to side constantly. You checked around every corner. Thankfully the manor was mostly empty since the party was outside. Eventually, you reached the office which was carelessly unlocked. Alice entered first and then you gently shut the door behind both of you. You immediately began searching the room for the pedigree papers. The first place you checked was atop his desk. 

“What are you looking for?” Alice asked you.  
“Sorry, I can’t tell you that.”  
“But maybe I know where it is… And then we can get out of here faster…” 

You were reluctant to reveal any information to her. The less she knew the better but she made a good point. With a deep sigh you decided to trust her. 

“I need the Pedigree papers. I don't need all of them, just the most recent ones for the horses that were given to the Survey Corps.”  
“All the papers for the horses are kept in a special book… It’s on the shelf.”  
“You’ve been in here before, haven't you?” 

Alice didn't respond and looked away uncomfortably. She approached the shelf and retrieved the large black book for you. She put the book on the table for you to go through. You understood she didn't want to talk about it and you sat down in the big leather chair. You flipped to the dates from the last year while Alice kept watch. There was a lot of information to go through but even just a few documents would be enough to prove Dewitt guilty. 

You reviewed the papers and discovered that Erwin’s theory was correct. The horses recently given to the Scout Regiment were a mixed breed that couldn't survive the expeditions. That was not the breed that was requested therefore Dewitt committed a crime against the military. You removed the papers you needed from the large book. You gave Alice the book to put back in its place. You folded the papers up and opened the collar of your dress enough to tuck them away. You would protect those documents with your life. 

As you made your way to the door Alice grabbed your arm stopping you. You looked over your shoulder and saw the desperation in her eyes. 

“Take me with you,” Alice asked you quietly.  
“I’m sorry, that isn't my mission,” you coldly responded.  
“Please… I can’t stand it anymore.”  
“That isn't my— I can’t.”  
“I’ll do anything!”  
“I came for what I needed. Now let go of me!” 

You pulled your arm free and immediately felt heartless. The mission was your priority but she needed your help. She was trapped. You knew well enough what it felt like to be imprisoned and abused. 

Suddenly, you heard footsteps coming towards the room and quickly pushed Alice away from the door. You hid underneath the desk along with her. Dewitt entered to get his cigars for the ‘gentlemen.’ He approached the desk and opened a drawer that had the cigars. He picked one up and smelled it. Alice let out a nervous whimper and you covered her mouth. Dewitt was too engrossed in his cigars to notice and you held your breath. For a moment it was as if you had no heartbeat at all.

Dewitt put the Cigar back into the case they came in and left the room. When you heard the door shut you finally exhaled and removed your hand from Alice’s mouth. She crawled out from underneath the desk practically shaking. 

“H-He’s gone…”  
“I know…” 

You crawled out from underneath the desk as well and looked at Alice. You involved her too much to turn your back on her now.

“Let’s go,” you strongly said.  
“Huh?”  
“I’m taking you with me.”  
“But you said—“  
“I know what I said. We don’t have the time to talk about it. Don’t ask any questions, just do exactly as I say.”  
“Okay…”  
“We’ll need horses, two of them. Can you get them?”  
“Y-Yes… I can.”  
“Then meet me when you’ve got them,” You ordered. “I’ll continue to entertain that rich bastard. When you approach me, tell me that my father has become ill and my presence is needed. Say there is a carriage waiting for me. Can you do that?”  
“Yes, Ma’am.” 

You went back out there to play your obnoxious character again. You became more impatient with every passing minute. You wanted to get back to the base as soon as possible. While you were entertaining Dewitt and a few others with some story you made up about your father’s fictitious company, Alice approached you as instructed. 

“What do you want,” Dewitt asked Alice sharply.  
“I’m so sorry to interrupt… I… I gave a message. For the woman in red.”  
“For me?” you asked seemingly surprised.  
“Yes, your father has fallen very ill. Your presence is needed right away… There’s a carriage waiting for you.”  
“Oh that’s terrible…” you said trying to sound saddened. “And we were having such a good time.”  
“Yes, we were… But we will see each other again soon, won’t we?” Dewitt asked you.  
“Of course, I’d love to do this again… Some other time. Don’t worry about me, I’d hate to ruin the festivities with his terrible news. Enjoy the rest of the party.”  
“It won’t be the same without you.”  
“Charming… Now, I really must go. Servant girl, take me to my carriage.”  
“Yes, Ma’am.” 

You and Alice began to walk away when a Military Police soldier stood in your way. You sensed Alice tense up a little. 

“We’ll escort you,” A Military Police Soldier said.  
“No, thank you,” you quickly responded.  
“It’s no trouble.”  
“I said no,” You said sternly. “When a woman declines your ‘kind’ offer, it’s best you take the hint, Soldier.” 

You walked around him like he was the dirt under your boot and Alice calmly led the way. The Military Police Soldier was left humiliated by your sharp words. The other men around him laughed and joked about your standards being too high for him.

“My boy, a woman of class as no interest in a soldier,” Dewitt joked. 

The soldier watched you walk away with scorn. You weren't aware he belonged to the Interior Police. They were a special group within the Military Police that was above the law. They were the ones who silenced whoever the government needed to get rid of. They tortured others for information and committed many atrocities. It was the same group that was responsible for the murder of Erwin’s father. 

The Soldier gestured two other Military Police Soldiers to come with him. They followed both of you and discovered there was no carriage. You and Alice had saddled yourselves atop the horses. The Military Police quickly got their horses and went after you two. You saw them in the corner of your eye and told Alice not to stop for any reason. You made it off the estate and entered a woodland area. Some of the trees were cut down for lumber and land development. 

Your silly feathered hat fell off while you rode the horse. You also had to hold the top of your head to keep your wig in place. All of a sudden, your instincts from battle kicked in. It felt as if you were fleeing from Titans. Faster, you had to go faster. Alice had never experienced the intensity of battle before. She looked as terrified as the new recruits did on their first expedition. The Military Police Soldiers caught up to you as the sun disappeared and night fell. They were in a triangle formation trying to get ahead to trap you both. 

“We need to split up,” you told Alice.  
“Split up?”  
“When the enemy is approaching from behind spitting up is the best option,” you looked over your shoulder. “I’ll take two in the front. Try to lose the one in the back.”  
“Wait—”  
“Do it!”

There was no time to argue. This was the first time you gave anyone orders since you joined the military. You took orders all the time but you never gave them. You cracked the reins on the horse and leaned to the right. The first two soldiers followed you like you wanted them to. The one in the back followed Alice in the other direction. You felt a few droplets fall on the back of your neck. Soon enough, it began to rain.

The Soldiers tried to keep sight of you. You had the advantage since the Military Police never fought the Titans. They didn't know how to brace the harsh weather and fight. Their combat skills were poor compared to the Scouts. They had their guns and their intimidation tactics. In a real fight, you would win. 

Using the rain to your advantage you seemingly vanished. The two Soldiers slowed down in their pursuit and got off their horses. They began to search around the trees looking for you. You were perched above them on a tree branch stalking them like prey as the rain came down. If they were titans you would go for their nape. You didn't have your ODM gear or any weapons. You had your wits and your fists. It was enough. 

You jumped down pinning one of the soldiers to the ground. The other one grabbed you from behind. You bent over, throwing him over your shoulder. The one on the ground got back up and tried to attack you. Their pride wouldn't allow them to draw their weapons. They needed to prove they could beat you barehanded. You were just one woman after all. One woman specially trained by the Survey Corps with years on the street to boot. 

You alternated between punching one and kicking the other. Your movements were fluid and flawless. You bloodied both of their faces and wounded their pride. They had no chance of beating you but they played dirty. The third Soldier arrived on horseback with Alice and threw her off the horse. He calmly got off the horse and picked her up by her hair holding a gun to her head. He warned you he would shoot her and you slowly put your hands up. You didn't want to surrender but you didn't want her to die either. 

It didn't surprise you when you were punched in the gut. The Soldiers were angry that you made a fool of them. You continued to mock them with your silence. One Soldier held you in place while the other punched. The man in front of you wiped the blood from underneath his broken nose. He told you they would beat you, use you, and then kill you. Alice began to cry seeing you punched over and over.

“Please… Please stop!” Alice shouted. “Please…” 

You always knew this was a possibility going into the mission and took every punch without a scream or a cry. It was your rage that kept you conscious and the sound of Alice’s cries. You looked up and saw her with her head down. 

“Look at me, Alice,” you demanded.

Alice looked up at you in horror by your bloodied face. Your lip was busted and your eye was swollen. The Military Police soldiers laughed at the situation. You blocked them out and focused on Alice.

“Don’t you shed another tear,” you said sternly. “Don’t give them anything… Even if they take everything from you… You have endured… Continue to endure. Don’t let them break your spirit. They can’t have that…” 

Alice was in awe at your strength. You showed unwavering valor despite being scared and angry. You passed the flame in your heart to her with your words. It awoke something inside of her. It was the will to go on and to fight. She briefly reflected on her life and then made a decision. Alice bit the hand of the soldier holding the pistol and pushed him away. He dropped the pistol and Alice retrieved it before he could grab it. She stood above him hesitating for a moment and then shot him in the head. 

The soldier laid on the ground with his eyes open. The other two Soldiers reached for their weapons and Alice turned around. She shot the one who beat you next and the one who held you last. All three of them were dead in an instant. Alice could not believe she did that. She was in shock. The gun shook in her hand as she processed what just occurred. After taking a moment to breathe you pulled the gun out of her shaky hand. It dropped to the ground with a lifeless thump. You pulled Alice into a tight embrace and at that moment a bond between you two was born. 

You felt it was your duty to protect her. It wasn't your mission but it was your moral obligation. After a moment you let go of her and looked at her seriously. 

“We have to get far away from here. Let’s find somewhere to stay for the night,” you said. “We’ll head for the base tomorrow.” 

Alice silently nodded in agreement and the horses you two were riding returned. Both of you got on your horses and rode away. You briefly patted your chest to make sure the papers were still there. You intended to deliver the papers to Erwin no matter what.

Meanwhile, Erwin had a suspicion that the mission had gone awry. The hours passed and you still weren't back yet. He checked the clock noting that it was after midnight. There was nothing he could do now but wait. He stood by the window deep in thought. Levi entered and Erwin didn't turn around. 

“You’re worried?” Levi asked abruptly.  
“I made my choice,” Erwin said. “I will accept the outcome, whatever that may be.”  
“You’re not doubting yourself, you’re doubting her,” Levi bluntly responded. “Don’t.”  
“That’s very observant of you, Levi.”  
“She deserves more credit than that.”  
“That is surprising coming from you. I thought you strongly disliked each other.”  
“I can’t stand her but that doesn't mean she isn't good. You sent the right person.”  
“I’m sure she would appreciate knowing you think so highly of her.”  
“I don't think highly of her.”  
“I’ve heard a rumor recently that you’re romantically involved,” Erwin casually said. “Does that happen to have any truth to it?”  
“What do you think?”  
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”  
“Give me a break, if you like her so much then do something about it already.”  
“It isn't that simple.”  
“Fine, wait till she dies then.”  
“Didn’t you just say I should give her more credit?”  
“Everyone dies eventually.”

Erwin remained silent and Levi walked off. His words usually cut as sharply as his swords but there was truth to them. Life was too short to hesitate. At some point he would have to confront his feelings for you. The passionate kiss you two shared still lingered in the back of his mind. He promised himself that if you came back alive he would discuss it with you when the time was right. 

At some point, Levi’s rivalry with you evolved. He slowly started to understand you better. He came to respect and admire you for the same reasons Erwin did. He respected you for taking this dangerous mission on by yourself but questioned your motivation. If it was an attempt to prove you were superior then that was stupid but he didn't believe that was the case. Your loyalty was what drove you. Even if the mission fell apart, Levi was confident you were resourceful enough to get through it.


	8. Choices

The next morning came and you were still missing. Erwin was getting ready to send Miche and Levi into Wall Sina to find you. It was safe to assume you were either captured or dead. He briefly thought maybe you weren't ready for a mission like this, but second guessing was pointless. He stopped himself from doing that quickly. They saddled themselves and Erwin gave his orders. 

“Locate the missing soldier,” Erwin ordered. “If she is dead then retrieve the body so we may honor her.” 

Levi glanced at Erwin for a moment knowing this order was personal. Before they left two horses galloping towards them. Erwin put his hand out telling them to wait. As if by some miracle it was you and Alice was right behind you. Relief washed over him recognizing you but quickly disappeared when he saw the condition you were in. 

You stopped the horse and hopped off of it. You approached them on foot clutching your torso in pain. Alice got off of the horse and immediately came to your side. She put your arm around her and walked you over to them. Erwin was startled when he saw your face bruised and bloodied. Your clothes were also muddy and torn. It wasn't completely unexpected but jarring nonetheless. Miche was silent and Levi was angry. He had half a mind to go track down whoever did this and make them pay.

You unhooked your arm from around Alice and reached into your dress. You pulled the documents out from where you were hiding them and held them out to Erwin. 

“Here’s your papers.”  
“…”  
“Now give that son of a bitch what he deserves.” 

Erwin took the papers from you and opened them. He confirmed that these were the ancestry papers for the horses. He had proof of Dewitt’s crimes but it did not feel like a victory. Erwin closed them and tucked them away into his jacket. He took a moment to consider you and what you had to do to get them. 

“What happened?”  
“You’ll read it in my report,” you said curtly. “Just make sure those papers get where they need to go.” 

You walked away pushing him and everyone else away. You needed a moment to yourself and desperately wanted to take a shower.

“Miche, help her before she falls down,” Erwin ordered. 

Miche got off his horse to escort you to your room. When he attempted to grasp your shoulder you flinched and whipped your head around like you were going to attack. You realized who it was and settled down. 

“I’m fine… Thanks, Miche.” 

Miche backed off and walked at your side instead. Erwin saw your reaction from the distance and knew you were not okay. He felt responsible for whatever you went through. Alice was left standing around nervously without an introduction. You forgot to introduce her but it was no time for pleasantries. Erwin turned towards Alice to address her directly.  
“And who are you?”  
“Um… I’m Alice…”  
“You assisted in this mission?”  
“Um… Yes, Sir.”  
“Tell me everything.” 

Erwin, Levi, and Alice relocated to his office so she could explain the story in private. He briefly introduced himself and Levi. Alice told Erwin the story from start to finish and choked up around the part where you both were captured. It was difficult for her to describe you being beaten and admit to murder.

“What happened after that?”  
“…”  
Alice, I need you to tell me the truth.”  
“…”  
“Did you kill those Soldiers?”  
“…”  
“Did she?” 

Alice shook her head no and forced herself to tell the truth. She didn't want you to get blamed for something she did. 

“I shot them… I did it! She didn't do anything but protect me… It’s all my fault. This would of never happened if I didn't ask her to take me with her…”  
“And there was no other option?”  
“No… I— Well—”  
“Was there an opportunity to run away?”  
“No.”  
“Then you acted in self defense.”  
“…Am I going to jail? O-Or… Worse?”  
“As long as this stays between us you won’t have to worry about being imprisoned or hung, however, the people you killed were powerful to a certain degree. I can’t ensure your safety.”  
“I’m sorry…”  
“You said there was no other option. Don’t apologize.” 

Alice nodded and looked down. She couldn't help feeling guilty and Levi observed her with sympathy. 

“You’re dismissed,” Erwin told Alice. “There is a Soldier waiting outside that will make sure your needs are met for the time being.” 

A brief knock on the door followed Erwin’s statement and the door opened. Hange entered the room to take Alice away.

“Nice to meet you,” Hange said.  
“…”  
“Hey, what’s with that look? No need to be nervous, we’re going to hang out for a bit! Sounds fun right?” 

Alice nodded feeling just a little more at ease by Hange’s friendly nature. It was no coincidence Hange was assigned to Alice. She did not come out of that mission unscathed either. Hange escorted Alice out of the room and shut the door. Erwin leaned in with his hands clasped together and reviewed everything that they knew in his mind.

“This just became complicated,” Erwin stated.  
“What’s so complicated?” Levi responded. “They did what they had to do.”  
“Yes, and now the Military Police will be looking for blood. I don’t condemn their actions, making a desperate call in a life or death situation is not easy for anyone, but I’m certain there will be repercussions.”  
“Then deal with it and send those documents.” 

Levi walked off leaving Erwin to handle all the legalities. Now that they knew the details the way you acted made more sense. 

“Where are you going, Levi?”  
“Where do you think?”  
“Leave her alone, she needs space.”  
“Do you really think leaving her alone right now is the best idea?” 

Erwin was caught between his duty and his concern for your wellbeing. What he needed to do right now was send the documents and figure out the next step. What he wanted to do was be by your side. Erwin recognized that Levi cared about you more than he let on. At this point, his contempt for you was just an act.

“Go,” Erwin finally said. “Make sure she’s alright.” 

Levi nodded and left the room heading for yours. The first thing you did was take a shower to wash away the blood and dirt. You also burned the wig and dress. Changing into a basic teeshirt and pants you sat on your bed trying to construct a report for Erwin. You could not find the words right now. It was too much to recall all at once. You let out a deep sigh and looked to the side at the cats who were sleeping together in their basket. You missed them. You left the cats unbothered and admired them from afar.

While alone you began to recall what happened after Alice shot the three Soldiers. You used the night to your advantage and escaped Wall Sina with her. The Soldiers watching the wall were indulging in drink and some game they were playing. Once you made it past Wall Sina you found a small village that had an inn. Both of you stayed in that inn for the night. Your adrenaline was still running high. You had just enough strength to push the wardrobe in front of the door in the room you were both staying in. Alice sat on the bed observing you. 

“No one is getting in here,” you said confidently. “I’ll take care of them if they try it.”  
“You need to rest… You’re going to pass out.”  
“No, I gotta keep watch.” 

Alice got up and guided you towards the bed. She made you lay down and practically tucked you in. You moved over enough for her to get into the bed with you. She hugged you in the way a younger sister would. It was a feeling you never felt before.

“Where did you learn to do all that?” Alice asked you softly.  
“I taught myself growing up… But I guess you could say the Survey Corps helped hone my skills…”  
“The Survey Corps? Like the military?”  
“Yeah.”  
“But they were with the military too…”  
“It’s complicated Alice… But the people I’m with are fighting for the future of humanity. That’s why I was there. I was doing an important job.”  
“You want to save humanity?”  
“There was a time I couldn't care less about humanity… Then someone very dear to me showed me that something was missing from my life. He showed me there was more I could do. He encouraged me to fight instead of being content with my misery, so I started fighting.”  
“I wanna fight too,” Alice said quietly.  
“You’re just saying that… You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”  
“No, I wanna fight! I want… To be like you.” 

No one ever told you something like that before. You never thought you could be an inspiration to someone else. Alice’s words meant more to you than she would ever know. She wanted to join the Scout Regiment and move forward like you did. You thought she deserved that second chance. 

Back in the present, a knock on the door interrupted your thoughts. You told whoever it was to go away. Levi entered anyway and you frowned at him.

“Why are you here?”  
“…”  
“I don’t need a babysitter.”  
“…”  
“Go! Get out!”  
"No."

Levi walked over to a chair and sat down. He crossed one leg over the other and crossed his arms. He was prepared for your insults and your complaints but he would not leave. You realized he was here to keep an eye on you. 

“I’m not gonna drink, okay. If I didn't do it then I’m not gonna do it now… Even if I really want to.”  
“You’re a better bullshitter than I am,” Levi abruptly said.  
“…”  
“I’ve never been a good liar.”  
“…”  
“If I was there I wouldn’t have lasted more than a few minutes without mouthing off and killing everyone in sight.”  
“I wanted to kill them… All of them. I wish I was the one who pulled that trigger… I should of kept fighting.”  
“But you didn’t because you’re smart. They would've killed that girl.” 

That was the first time Levi ever referred to you as smart. Most of the time his insults were about how dumb you were. You didn't know how to respond to that. 

“Why did you risk the mission for her?” he bluntly asked.  
“What the hell kind of question is that?”  
“Answer it.”  
“Tch. She wanted to escape… She wanted to be free. I know what that’s like.”  
“Do you regret your choice?”  
“No.”  
“Good. You did what you thought was right. That’s all anyone can ever do, make the choice they’ll regret the least.”  
“I didn't know you gave pep talks,” you said sarcastically.  
“I’m preparing you.”  
“For what?”  
“Erwin is going to ask you the same thing. If that’s what you believe then stick with it. Don’t make excuses.”  
“Yeah, I know…” 

You got the feeling that Levi agreed with you this time. He might have even done the same thing you did. You couldn't understand why he acted like a snob all the time. You had a rare opportunity to finally talk to him. 

“Since you’re here, can I ask you something?”  
“What?”  
“Why do you wanna be like them? Those rich jackasses…”  
“I don’t.”  
“I see you with your ascot and your fancy tea. Also, you requested those special rose scented soaps because you hated the smell of the regular soap. On top of that—”  
“I will never be like them because I know what it’s like to have nothing. Those pieces of shit could never understand that.”  
“…”  
“Is it so wrong to take care of myself?”  
“No… It’s not.” 

You felt bad for judging Levi so harshly. Both of you were misunderstood individuals who kept your true selves hidden from the rest of the world. 

“You know, we weren’t always poor. My dad just spent so much money on booze and gambling that we went broke.”  
“…”  
“My mother couldn't take it anymore so she left and— I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.”  
“Talk if you wanna talk.”  
“Why are you being nice to me all of a sudden? It’s weird.”  
“Who said I was being nice? I still think you’re a slob.”  
“Tch. Out!” 

Levi got out of the chair and walked towards the door. Before leaving he turned around and called out your name to get your attention. 

“Get me if you need anything,” he said seriously.  
“So weird…” 

Levi ignored your comment and left without a comeback. You didn't know what all that was about. As strange as it was your head felt a little clearer. You began to write your report again leaving out some details here and there. 

Later that day you presented your report to Erwin. He had some difficultly looking you in the eye. He tried to remain as strong as a rock when addressing the events that transpired. Like Levi said he questioned your decision in risking the mission for Alice. You were honest and you told him what you told Levi. Erwin could see the conviction in your eyes. You had already decided that Alice would join the Scouts but it wasn't your place to do so.

“Alice won’t be joining the Scouts,” Erwin told you.  
“Why not?”  
“She committed a crime.”  
“That never stopped you before.”  
“Yes, but you and Levi didn't kill three Military Police Soldiers.”  
“She had to!”  
“I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that she is a fugitive. Hiding her within our Regiment would be asking for trouble.”  
“What happened to taking risks?”  
“I told you I take necessary risks.”  
“This isn't necessary?”  
“The Scout Regiment is not prepared to go to war with the Military Police at this time nor is that my decision to make.”  
“Then I’ll go above you. I’ll go straight to the Commander.”  
“You can try, but you would have a lot of explaining to do. I planned to keep this to myself for her sake.”  
“She doesn't have Surface Citizenship. They’ll drag her back to the Underground.”  
“I’m sorry, but that is not our problem.” 

It was the first time you ever saw the dark side of Erwin. It was always there but you couldn't see it because you idealized him. You almost felt betrayed by the callousness he displayed in front of you. It made you angry. You knew he was capable of more empathy than this. 

“How can you be so heartless!?”  
“I make my decisions based on all the parties involved, not just one. I understand why this means so much to you, but you are being selfish. You can not risk an entire Regiment for one individual. That is poor leadership.”  
“I’m not a leader.”  
“You have the potential to be one. That is why you need to accept my decision and understand what I’m saying.”  
“I won’t accept it.”  
“I’m not surprised. Your stubbornness is your boon and bane.”  
“We avenged your father,” you protested. “we got them!”  
“My father was a peaceful man and I don’t seek revenge.”  
“That’s a lie,” you called him out. “Everyone wants revenge when something is taken from them. It’s human nature.”  
“My priority is humanity,” Erwin strongly spoke. “What I want and what you want is irrelevant.” 

It was the cold hard truth. Erwin was speaking beyond the situation with Alice. He was speaking about the feelings both of you harbored for each other. You hated arguing with Erwin, plus you were losing the argument. Arguing with him was like playing a game of chess. He was a master strategist and you were a true fighter. You still weren't ready to give up. 

“What if Alice didn't exist?” you asked as a last-ditch effort.  
“I already thought of that.”  
“It would work. We could change her appearance and name, everything. She would become a different person.”  
“In theory, it would work but—“  
“What if we had a whole team of people that could change their appearances and get information?”  
“You’re suggesting we create a Squad of operatives and you want Alice to be a part of it?”  
“I wouldn't have gotten those documents without her help. Alice could be useful to us, I know it. She probably knows all sorts of secrets we don’t. You’re passing up an opportunity.” 

That was a fair point and a good move. Erwin contemplated for a few moments before responding. If Alice was trained to be like you that would be useful to them. A whole squad of people like you would be even better but Erwin did not have the power to do that at this time. Finally, he came to his decision after weighing out the pros and cons. 

“Will you train her?”  
“Yes.”  
“Will you take responsibility for her?”  
“Yes.”  
“Then Alice will be given an alias and she will be required to change her appearance. We will never speak of this to anyone. If the Military Police comes looking for either of you I’ll direct them elsewhere.”  
“…”  
“As for your plan for that new squad, keep it in mind. For now, I will continue to rely on you to gather information. As long as you haven’t changed your mind.”  
“I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”  
“I’ll deploy you in between our expeditions. Take a few days for rest and recovery, you earned it.” 

You saluted Erwin and left his office a little troubled by how that went. Erwin was deflated by the conversation as well. Your relationship was left a little strained by the conflict. In order to thrust you into danger, he had to separate his emotions, but it was easier said than done. 

Alice was accepted into the Scout Regiment and would soon start training with the new recruits. You cut her hair short and dyed it with a coffee grounds mixture. It was an old beauty secret you heard an older woman talking about once. Alice’s blonde hair became darker and she kept the hair out of her eyes with a few hair clips. The new name you gave her was Audrey Hache. You informed her that ‘Audrey’ was a girl who grew up on a farm if anyone asks. There were other little details you had her memorize. You thought she might hate living a lie but Alice was grateful.

“Thank you,” Alice said. “I like her…”  
“Never tell anyone your real name.”  
“I won’t.”  
“Then, welcome to the Survey Corps,” you said saluting her. “This is how we salute each other. It means to give your heart to the cause.”  
“Oh… Okay.” 

Alice saluted you putting a fist over her heart. You smiled back a little feeling just a little proud. Hange showed Alice around the Scout Regiment and you took three days off.  
On your second day off you were visited by Levi, again. Instead of alcohol Levi shared his tea with you. If anyone told you that you would be having a tea party with Levi you would have laughed at them. He had some special blend that was good for reducing anxiety. He made that one especially for you. 

“You know tea is just water with leaves right?” you teased.  
“Idiot, you don’t understand anything.” 

Levi grabbed the teapot and elegantly poured you a cup of tea. He pushed it towards you on the table. 

“Tea leaves have different aromas and effects. Some make you calmer and others reduce nausea. They’re not leaves you just pick up off the ground.”  
“Is there a tea leaf that can make you taller?” 

Levi gave you the side eye and you smiled innocently. He rolled his eyes and grabbed the sugar bowl. He lifted the lid of the sugar bowl and grabbed a cube with small metal tongs.

“Say when.” 

You nodded and Levi dropped one sugar cube. You encouraged him to add another and then another.

“More.” 

Levi reluctantly added another making it a total of five sugar cubes in your tea. It seemed like it physically hurt him to spoil a perfectly good cup of tea. 

“More, Levi!”  
“What the hell is wrong with you?”  
“Don’t question me, more sugar!”  
“You’re ruining it.”  
“I’ll drink it my way, you drink it your way.”  
“You might as well just eat the sugar cubes and skip the tea.”  
“Good idea!”  
“Disgusting.” 

Erwin passed by and stopped for a moment when he heard you laugh. It was a rare sound. He peaked into the room and saw you sip your overly sweet tea as Levi cringed at the thought of drinking that. For a moment you looked happy and that warmed his heart. He thought you and Levi might have been better together than you and himself. If that was the case then he would forget all about the kiss in the carriage and the feelings he had for you. The time never seemed quite right to bring it up anyway. 

It wasn't the first time he was in love with the same woman as another man. Marie, his first love, was the one who got away. She married his old friend Nile Dawk while he went ahead with his plans to join the Survey Corps. He sacrificed his love life for the military and he was doing it again. This time, he thought it was for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I know I said this already but Happy New Year! I didn't think I'd finish this chapter before the new year but I did! 
> 
> Here's some stuff about future stuff I'm planning:
> 
> Erwin finally becomes Commander in the next chapter and Reader becomes a Captain. Wall Maria falls. 
> 
> As you can see there's some light Levi x Reader happening but it's mostly unrequited at this point.


	9. Strong Hearts

The pedigree papers were received by Dhalis Zachary exposing Dewitt’s crimes. He would be punished just like his friend Lovof. You would have liked him to face punishment for sexually abusing Alice for years. Only then would justice truly be served in your eyes. Mrs. Dewitt took over her husband’s entire fortune and agreed to give the Survey Corps what they asked for. The Military Police were looking for two female suspects and came sniffing around the Scout Regiment and the Garrison Regiment. 

When two Military Police Soldiers requested access to the female barracks Commander Sadies denied it on the grounds that it was harassment. Erwin told him only part of the situation, he kept the part about the murders to himself. The Soldiers insisted they search the barracks and Erwin called their bluff. He asked them if they wanted to take this to a higher court. They didn't want to expose their own crimes and backed off soon after that. 

Sometimes Erwin acted more like the Commander than the actual Commander. You weren't the only one who thought so. Even Sadies himself acknowledged that. The public ridiculed him for his poor leadership and unsuccessful expeditions. To be fair, leading the exploration outside the walls was no easy task for anyone. In 845, you participated in what was the most gruesome expedition so far. So many Soldiers were killed and less than twenty survivors returned. Alice participated in it as well and barely escaped with her life. 

It took Alice some time to get used to the ODM gear during her training. She aspired to be just like you. You quickly became an older sister figure for her. Sometimes you wondered if having her join the Survey Corps was the right choice. You saved her but you simultaneously threw her into peril. The guilt that weighed on your conscience was similar to the guilt Erwin felt at times. It was difficult to care for someone and also put them in constant danger. 

During the expedition, Alice was knocked off her horse and picked up by a Titan. It dangled her over its mouth as she was paralyzed with fear. You saw this from the near distance and quickly ran towards her. You screamed out jumping onto a tree and then slicing the Titan’s nape with ferocity. The Titan dropped Alice as it fell to the ground. You propelled yourself into the air and grabbed her. You landed with Alice and put her down. 

“Are you okay?” you asked her.   
“I—I…“   
“Speak Audrey, I need to hear you! Is anything broken?”   
“I-I’m okay!”   
“Then stand and find a horse,” you ordered. “We’re not done here.”   
“O-Okay!” 

You were so engulfed in the heat of battle that you didn't realize Alice wasn't the only one looking up at you. The other soldiers acknowledged your superiority and resilience. You fell into a leadership role before it was even given to you. Not long after that you would command your own squad. 

Returning from that devastating expedition was the last straw for Commander Sadies. He asked Erwin to take over as the 13th Commander of the Scout Regiment. It was something Erwin always wanted. He wanted his chance to do things his way. He had a great amount of respect for the former Commander. Some people would see this change in leadership as spineless on Sadies’ part. On the contrary, it took a good man to step aside and allow someone who was better suited to do the job.   
Not long after Erwin was appointed as the new Commander, he summoned you to his new office. The Commander’s room was spacious and very cool. You were impressed and just a little intimidated. You were also happy for him and before he had a chance to speak you congratulated him. 

“You’re going to make a great Commander, Sir.”   
“I appreciate you saying so.”   
“Sorry I didn't bring a gift,” you joked.   
“Please, that’s hardly necessary.”   
“This is a big deal.”   
“It is, but I don't have the time for celebrations. I won’t waste a single moment while humanity continues to suffer.”   
“You know you’re allowed to be happy, right?”   
“I’ll be truly happy the day we take back humanity. Until then, I will do everything in my power to make sure that happens.”  
“Do you really think you can change the way things are?”   
“I do.” 

You almost felt sorry for his inability to take a step back and acknowledge his accomplishments. Erwin hit the ground running. He had plans, ideas, so many things he wanted to accomplish. One of his plans, involved you.

“But I can’t do it alone,” he added. “I’ll need officers that can help make that a reality.”   
“…”  
“I’d like you to go ahead with your plan to create that elite squad, we could use it. Five or six soldiers of your choosing will do. They will specialize in obtaining and transporting important information. You’ve proven yourself to be resilient and resourceful so you will be their Captain.”   
“I— You’re promoting me?”   
“I am.”  
“Um, I’m not really the Captain type…”   
“You still doubt yourself after all this time.”  
“I don't know how to inspire others.”   
“You already inspire others with your actions. You lead by example which is exactly what we need.” 

Erwin got up from behind his desk. He approached you and put a hand on your shoulder.

“You don’t need to be me. I don’t expect you to be anyone but yourself.”   
“…”   
“When your soldiers want to embrace death you will show them how to carry on. You will show them that no matter how many times an individual is beaten down they will rise to their feet as you have. That, is why I’m choosing you.”   
“Commander Erwin…” 

It was by far the biggest compliment he had ever given you. Erwin always believed in you. The only proper way to thank him would be to make him proud. You accepted the promotion and saluted him. Levi, Hange, and Miche were also picked to be Erwin’s Captains and Section Commanders. You appointed Alice as the executive officer of the Intelligence Mobility Squad. She acted as your assistant and personal messenger. In addition to Alice, you picked four other individuals. They were all highly trained and had a lot of potential. Levi’s squad also consisted of elite soldiers which were known as the Special Operations Squad.  
Erwin aggressively pushed forward with the new officers at his side. He firmly believed in a brighter future and you held firmly onto his dream. You wanted to convince yourself that change was possible and a day would come where no one would suffer. 

Unfortunately, things became grim quickly. Not long after Erwin became Commander Wall Maria fell. A massive Titan appeared one day out of nowhere and destroyed the outer gate of Shiganshina. Titans from the outside began to flood the city you once called home. It was something out of a nightmare. The inner gate was destroyed by another odd Titan. Those that survived the attack were forced to flee to Wall Rose.

The aftermath of the fall of Wall Maria affected you greatly. The level of poverty was even worse than before. So many people lost their homes and their loved ones. There wasn't enough food for the refugees. In 846 the Royal Government issued a culling to deal with the overpopulation. Erwin called a meeting to discuss the current state of affairs with his officers. You used this as an opportunity to express your outrage. 

“THIS IS MURDER!” you yelled slamming your hands on the table. “They’re sending children out there to be slaughtered!” 

Next to Hange, you were the most hot blooded of the Captains and Section Commanders. No one disagreed with you but the reality was that the Scout Regiment had no power. They all silently watched you and waited for you to settle down. Erwin eyed you with no change in his impassive expression. He sat at the head of the table with his hands clasped together. 

“Commander Erwin… Please… Do something,” you begged him.   
“I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do,” he finally spoke.   
“No! I won’t accept that!”   
“Then what do you suggest we do? Speak if you have a plan.”   
“…”  
“The culling was issued due to lack of food and resources. There is nothing the Scout Regiment can do to stop it.” 

Erwin gave you a moment to counter his statement. You tried to think of something that could be done to prevent all the casualties. Finally, you came to the same conclusion everyone else did. You sat back down with your head pointed downward. 

“They should of just let them die during the invasion then instead of giving them hope…”

Erwin agreed with you but it wasn't his place to say so. You couldn't always have your way. It was a hard lesson he thought you needed to learn. As Captain, you would have to make hard calls. Those calls could not be influenced by your personal feelings. You had to make decisions based on the overall good of humanity, not the individuals. 

After Erwin became Commander, the wedge between him and you grew. There was a period of time when you only saw him during meetings or when delivering information to him. Erwin took your reports without any small talk. He asked questions about the status of the Intelligence Mobility Squad and other military related affairs. He didn't muse on the weather or ask you how you were feeling. He had no time for you anymore. He never brought up the kiss and neither did you. You thought you ought to move on.

Erwin was hard to read, even Levi thought so. You never knew what he was thinking. You thought it would be easier let him go than push the issue, but you loved him for nearly four years. Even if he couldn't be your lover you at least wanted him as a friend. These were dark times and you felt alone. 

You were forced to separate the cats you used to keep in your room. The mother cat simply responded to her natural instincts. She began to compete with her grown children for food which was now scarce. They were too old to sleep in a basket together. The feline family you so loved fell apart because of their nature. Cats were solitary creatures for a reason. 

You gave one of the female cats to Hange and the other to Alice. You gave the tomcat to Levi. He liked to be left alone and often hissed at people he didn't know. You figured they would get along well. You kept the mother cat in your room as long as you could. Eventually, she became ill and there was nothing you could do to save her. The mother cat died along with the thousands of people from the culling. You had to burn the body to avoid decay. 

Now, your room was empty. The Captain’s quarters were large and you had the whole room to yourself. There was nothing but silence and dread to accompany you now. The nights were even more restless than usual. The urge to drink returned and it was strong. Now, there was more at risk than just your wellbeing. You needed to be stable enough to lead your squad. It was a great amount of responsibility that Erwin entrusted you with. You hung in there and continued to write. The journal Erwin gave you was filled up. A little after you became Captain you had to start a new journal. It was fitting since you were beginning a new chapter of your life. 

Levi was only other person who slept as little as you did. He was usually up for most of the night. You found him in his room sitting in a chair with his uniform on. He had his eyes closed and his arms crossed. The tomcat you gave him rested on his bed in a ball. You said his name a few times and received no response. You began to poke his cheek a few times. He finally opened his eyes and gave you a silent scowl. 

“Levi, I need your leaf water.”   
“For the last time… It’s called tea.”   
“Were you asleep?”   
“Yeah.”   
“You sleep in a chair?”   
“Do you want the tea or not?”   
“Yes, please.”   
“Then don’t ask stupid questions.” 

Levi got up from the chair and silently led you to the breakroom. He opened the jar he kept the tea bags in and saw there was only one left. He reluctantly used the last tea bag for you. He yawned once while making the tea and you silently sat in the chair feeling a little guilty for waking him up. When it was ready he elegantly poured it for you as always. There were only two sugar cubes left in the bowl so you would have to deal with it being a bit bitter. This time, he didn't pour himself a cup. When you finished the first cup he refilled it for you. 

“Aren’t you going to have some?” you asked him.   
“There isn't any more.”   
“Huh?”   
“You drank all the calming tea I had. Right now, everything is being rationed. It will be a while until I can get some more.”   
“You gave it all to me?”   
“I don’t like that blend,” Levi lied.

Life continued to take any bit of happiness you two made yourselves. Levi cherished his tea like you cherished the cats. Even so, he was willing to share it with you. He knew you needed it more than he did. You weren't oblivious to his kindness. It meant a lot to you and you reflected on your treatment of Levi. 

“Thank you,” you said. “I’m sorry I’ve been pretty shitty to you.”   
“Don’t apologize.”   
“I mean it, you’ve been pretty nice lately and I’ve been a jerk.”   
“You’re a brat, not a jerk.”   
“I’m trying to give you a heartfelt apology!”   
“Well don’t.”   
“Stop acting like you’re too cool for everything.”   
“Stop getting sappy over every little thing.” 

You started to get angry but you quickly calmed down when you realized what he was doing. Levi masked his emotions. He often said the opposite of what he meant. He still called you names but it lost its bite. If you didn't know any better, you would say he was fond of you. All the signs were there even if it made no sense. 

“You don’t like me, do you?”   
“What the hell gave you that twisted idea?”   
“Am I wrong?” 

Levi refused to give you an answer and looked to the side instead. He tried his very best to remain aloof.

“Tell me I’m wrong, Levi.”   
“Don’t be so damn conceded, as if.   
“You told me you weren't a good liar and you were right. You’re not.” 

Levi scoffed but continued to avert your gaze. You were an expert at picking up on body language. It was a skill you learned to do your job. His arms and legs were crossed and his body was tense. A person hiding a secret would exhibit this sort of body language. 

“You’re delusional,” Levi spat.   
“What do you like about me?”  
“I’m leaving.”   
“Levi.” 

Levi got up abruptly still avoiding your gaze. You never thought you would see him flustered or phased by anything.

“This is a pointless conversation. I’m not going to boost your ego because you’re too afraid to go after what you really want.”   
“What’s that supposed to mean?”   
“You’ve been hopelessly in love with Erwin since I met you.”   
“I wouldn't say hopelessly…”   
“Would you just grow up already?”   
“Ha! Hypocrite! You can’t even admit your own feelings! So don't judge me.” 

Levi stopped and turned around giving you a serious look. He looked almost angry, not at you, but at himself. It was foolish of him to become so attached to you. He knew your heart was reserved. 

“This is stupid… You could be dead tomorrow, you know. The whole world could go to hell more than it already has. Who do you want to spend your last moments with? Because I know it isn't me.” 

As usual, Levi’s words at the same effect as a splash of cold water. They were a wake up call. You were waiting for Erwin to do or say something. That day may never come because that was not where his mind was right now. You still loved him. Even if you tried to move on and pursue something with Levi you would still love him.

“What I want doesn't matter…”   
“Bullshit.”  
“I just… I don’t know what to say to him,” you admitted to Levi.   
“Then don’t say it,” he retorted. “Write it.”   
“Huh?”   
“You’re a good writer. Write it.”   
“How do you know that?”   
“…”   
“Did you read my journal?”   
“…”   
“Levi! How dare yo—”  
“Shut up and do it already. I’m not writing it for you.” 

Levi walked out of the room before you could ask him any more questions. The idea of writing to Erwin never occurred to you before. What you wrote was for your eyes only and it didn't seem ‘good’ to you at all. Levi also confused you. He refused to admit he liked you but that was pretty obvious now. Despite his own feelings he encouraged you to take the risk. He was one of the most selfless individuals you ever met. Your overall happiness meant more to him than a potential relationship that could work or not. Your respect for Levi deepened and you hoped he would find his happiness eventually. 

That night you spent your time crafting a letter to Erwin. The wastebasket was overflowing with failed drafts. None of the words felt right and you almost changed your mind. Levi would probably call you a chicken or a coward if you back out of this. Finally, you let your true feelings that bleed onto the paper. The next morning you snuck into the Commander’s room while he was out doing something else. You placed the letter on his desk which was closed with a wax seal. You then quickly escaped the room when you heard his voice. There was no going back now. It was up to him to accept or reject your affections. 

Erwin had a lot of papers on his desk which he needed to sort through. Your letter stood out from the rest of the papers. There was no name and it wasn't even formally addressed to him. Opening the letter Erwin saw a folded piece of paper. Unfolding it revealed a handwritten poem in the center of the page. There was nothing else but the long poem which he read to himself. 

“I have gotten used to   
looking at the back of your head  
I could recognize you from   
one million men   
and the unmistakable stride   
of a man so sure of himself   
always so far ahead   
marching towards death   
or towards the light   
whatever comes first, I guess   
I used to think you were  
light itself until   
I saw the darkness   
in your heart that   
felt so familiar   
yet somehow you remain  
untainted by it   
what is your secret, Sir?  
do you put your heart   
in a box for safekeeping?   
I would like the key   
so I can open it and store   
my heart in it too  
but you have had it   
for some time now  
so I will say without  
regret that I love you” 

Erwin didn't need a name to know this was from you. It was nearly impossible to surprise him but you accomplished that hard feat. You took his breath away. He was not expecting such exquisite poetry to come from you. As he leaned back in his chair he admired every sentence. Before the Survey Corps, he always had his head in a book and still did from time to time. If there was a way to his heart this was it. 

Erwin dabbled in poetry as a boy but never thought he was very good at it. He thought very deeply for a moment about how he should respond. He swore he would let his feelings for you pass. He still believed you and Levi were a better pair but your poem said it all. You resented how he ignored you but you loved him and no one else. Erwin picked up his pen and grabbed a blank piece of paper. He began to construct his response to your declaration of love to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, the romance begins ;) The NFSW chapter is coming in the near future.


	10. Ignited

Most recently you and the Intelligence Mobility Squad were looking for documents on the origin of the Titans. You were able to recover the documents describing what was believed to be the first Titan sighting from one hundred years ago. It was sealed away in a royal government library in Wall Sina. One of your squad members posed as Military Police and gained access to the documents. He returned with the documents and gave them to you which you gave to Erwin. He decided to entrust them to Hange so they may study them and perhaps discover something of use. 

To you, the documents didn't reveal any useful information but Hange insisted that it was very useful. Hange hugged you and spun you around excitedly for obtaining these documents. Currently, you sat next to Hange’s assistant Moblit reviewing some of the papers as Hange talked nonstop. The poor man had to deal with this all day every day. Moblit tried his very best to keep Hange under control but that was a difficult task. You noticed he was constantly stressed out and then you smelled it. 

It was the familiar stench of booze and the undeniable look of a hangover. Out of everyone in the Scout Regiment, besides you, Moblit drank the most. You sympathized with him. Hange ran out of the room for a moment. They didn't say why or what they were getting, maybe it was a bathroom break. You thought this was a good opportunity for you to speak to Moblit. 

“Hange must drive you crazy,” you casually said.  
“Section Commander Hange is just passionate…”  
“Yeah, that’s one way to put it… But are you okay?”  
“You don’t need to concern yourself with me, Captain.”  
“Listen, I’ve been there but the relief is only temporary. All you’ll do is make yourself feel like shit, which is probably how you’re feeling right now.”  
“It’s just a headache.”  
“Yeah, that’s how it starts.”  
“There’s no need to worry, Captain. I am responsible.”  
“It’s not a matter of being responsible. I have no doubt that you are, in fact, you’re one of the most responsible Soldiers we have.”  
“…”  
“I want you to know you can speak to me if you’re struggling,” you said sincerely. “That’s all I wanted to say.”  
“I’ll remember that, Captain.” 

You gave Moblit a curt nod of acknowledgment. It was a difficult subject to open up about and you knew that. You would have to be patient with him. Hange returned and continued to move around quickly. They entered and exited at random throughout the day. You would get whiplash if you tried to keep up with them. Later in the day, there was a knock on the door and you instructed whoever it was to come in. Alice entered holding a white letter with a wax seal. 

“I have a letter for you, ma’am.”  
“A letter?”  
“From Commander Erwin.”  
“Here, let me see it.” 

Alice handed you the letter and you rose from your seat. You walked away but remained in the room. She gave you a moment to yourself and remained with Moblit. She thought he was nice, respectful, and helpful. She enjoyed being around him whenever you two assisted Hange. Moblit also enjoyed her presence. He appreciated her calm demeanor and soft tone of voice. It was a pleasant break from the constant crazed antics of his Section Commander. 

“Hi Moblit,” Alice said.  
“Hello Audrey, how are you?”  
“Um, I’m okay… How about you?”  
“Well… The usual…” 

She smiled and nodded understanding what he meant by that. Alice felt bad for him too but you weren't easy to handle either. You tended to let your temper get the better of you. You were also unpredictable and equally overzealous. Alice turned in your direction when she heard you gasp. She saw you clutching the opened letter with your mouth agape. Erwin wrote back in response to the poem you gave him. He wrote in prose instead of following your style of short lines. He was as eloquent in written form as he was in person. 

“Dear stranger, you flatter me. Yes, you’ve discovered my secret. My heart was locked in a box until you forced it open again. I doubt your heart could be contained by even the finest steel enclosure. It knows no bounds. I don’t think you know how to surrender. It just isn't in your nature. I could tell you why it is unwise to engage in this sort of exchange but that would be futile. Instead, I will tell you what I desire. In a perfect world, I would love nothing more than to kiss you again. We would make love under the glow of the sun or the moon, whichever one you prefer. I would enjoy spending the gentle afternoon admiring your body and soul. In a perfect world, I would give you a flower every day and hold you close every night. Unfortunately, this is a cruel world we live in. I hope this is enough to satisfy you.” 

There it was, Erwin’s truest feelings written in ink. Although he didn't write ‘I love you too’ he might as well have. The scene Erwin painted was as erotic as it was endearing, but the last few lines of his letter were troubling. He believed those things he described couldn't be obtained with the way things were. That wasn't something you could just accept. While you were staring at the letter in disbelief Hange popped up behind you to see what you were looking at. 

“What’s that?” Hange asked.  
“Hange!” you yelled while jumping a little.  
“Did I scare you?”  
“Yeah… A little…”  
“So, what is it? Did you find something?”  
“It’s a letter from Commander Erwin…”  
“Is it about my new project!? DID HE APPROVE IT!? AHH, THIS IS PERFECT!!!” 

Hange excitedly snatched the letter from you to read what Erwin said. You immediately jumped on their back to try to take it back. 

“HANGEEEEEEE!!!!!!”

Hange tried to read the letter as you hung onto their back and tried to cover their eyes. You stole Hange’s glasses and held them away. 

“Hey!” Hange yelled. “Give those back!”  
“GIVE ME BACK MY LETTER YOU THIEF!!!”

Moblit and Alice stood on the side watching their superior officers fight like children. They told both of you to calm down but it was useless. Hange tried to grab their glasses as you tried to grab the letter without ripping it to shreds. Both of you were yelling during the struggle. Levi heard the commotion and opened the door with a swift motion. He saw the insanity and instantly closed it. He didn't know what all that was about but he wanted no part in it. After struggling for a few more moments Hange fell into a bookcase and you went along with them. The bookcase toppled over and the books spilled over you two. 

“Section Commander!”  
“Captain!” 

Moblit and Alice immediately worked together to lift the bookcase up. You and Hange were both alright but a little disoriented. You rubbed your head and groaned. 

“Section Commander, is anything broken!?”  
“Captain, are you alright!?”  
“Don’t worry, I’m fine,” you and Hange said at the same time.  
“You can’t be so reckless!” Moblit scolded Hange. “Please be more careful!”  
“Someone could of been seriously hurt!” Alice scolded you.

You and Hange both felt a little bad for your childish behavior. You gave Hange their glasses back. 

“Sorry about that,” you apologized.  
“Yeah, me too.”

Hange put their glasses back on and gave you the letter back with a wink. Oh no, you were too late. They read it. 

“I guess it wasn't anything important,” Hange said slyly.  
“Yeah…”  
“Well, back to work everyone!” 

Hange sprung up as if nothing happened and held a hand out to you. They helped you up and smiled. You hoped Hange would be able to keep this to themselves. As exuberant as they could be they were also loyal and trustworthy. Hange would not blab about this to anyone, you were friends after all. 

“Section Commander, shouldn't we clean up first?” Moblit asked Hange.  
“No time!” 

Hange went right back to work and obsessing over their research. Moblit sighed and began to put the books back on the shelf anyway. Alice started to help him collect the books. 

“Thank you,” Moblit said. “I appreciate it…”  
“Um… You’re welcome…” 

You tucked the letter safely into your jacket and then you saw something. Alice’s hand accidentally brushed Moblit’s when collecting the books. They apologized to each other and then blushed a little. Hange was completely oblivious to what was going on around them but you saw it. So, you weren't the only one who was dealing with romantic feelings. Alice was naturally shy but it would be difficult for her to become comfortable enough to start dating. She never talked about her trauma and you never pushed her to. Moblit was a good man and probably a good place to start if that’s what she wanted. 

“I have to go,” you informed Hange. “I got some things to take care of…”  
“Aww… Okay! Same time tomorrow then!”  
“Fine, but you're giving Moblit the day off tomorrow.”  
“Ehh? I am?” Hange asked you.  
“Huh?” Moblit uttered confused.  
“Yes you are,” you stated sternly. “Audrey, you have the day off tomorrow too.”  
“Um… Thank you?”  
“But who’s going to help me with my projects!?” Hange yelled.  
“I will!” you yelled back.

That was the best you could do for them. Now, you had to go figure out your own romance. Instead of going to your room, you went straight to the Commander’s office. He was probably still working. Erwin didn't sleep as much as he used to anymore. You knocked on the door and heard a robust voice tell you to come in. Just like you thought, he was still working, typical. 

You entered the room and saw him reading a document. He didn't put it down when you entered the room. You stood in front of his desk waiting for some sort of acknowledgment. 

“Is there something you needed?” he asked still reading.  
“I got your letter.”  
“I’m glad it made the trip,” he responded nonchalantly.  
“You said you hoped this would be enough to satisfy me.”  
“I did.”  
“Well, it isn’t.”  
“Soldier—“  
“Please stop calling me that," you said sternly. "You know what my name is.”  
“I didn’t realize you disliked it.”  
“Look at me, Erwin.”

Erwin finally put the document down and looked at you. It was bold of you to give him orders. 

“Did you mean what you wrote?”  
“Every word.”  
“Then why are you making excuses?”  
“I’m not making excuses.”  
“You are! You can't say all that and expect that to be enough! It isn’t!” 

Erwin rose from his chair and approached you. He was going to explain to you why you needed to let it go but when he got close enough he didn't know what to do. Logic and emotion were having a heated battle inside of him. 

“You’re right,” you said looking up at him. “We live in a cruel world but if there’s one good thing it gave me, it’s you.”  
“…”  
“Even if we manage to change it, we won’t live forever.”  
“…”  
“So if I die tomorrow I—”

Erwin didn't let you finish the rest of your sentence before kissing you. He didn't need to hear the rest of that sentence, he knew the rest. Emotion won the battle this time as he gave in to his desires. This kiss was just as passionate as the kiss in the carriage. It was as if you were merely picking up where you left off. This time you threw your arms around his neck as he held the sides of your face.

He was taller than you were which forced you to stand on your tiptoes and stretch your neck upwards. When it became too difficult, you jumped onto him and he supported your weight by holding your waist. You made sure not to slip by locking your legs together behind his back. It was a moment of pent up lust. Both of you moaned and grunted into the kiss.

Erwin carried you over to his desk. In one swoop all of the papers he spent time neatly organizing fell to the floor. He would have to reorganize those documents later. He placed you on the desk and began to kiss your neck. You felt his faint 5 o'clock shadow tickle your skin. His neatly parted hair refused to stay in place during the heated moment. You couldn't help but mess it up more on purpose. You tugged on his hair which apparently was exciting to him. You felt his excitement pressed up against yours and you gave your hips a rock making it worse for him. 

Erwin was one of the most vocal lovers you had. If he liked something he made it known and he liked it a lot. Erwin pulled back for a moment to remove his jacket and unbuckle the 3D maneuver gear belts on his uniform. You did the same trying to unbuckle your belts with clumsy ferocity. You had more difficulty than him and began to tug at the leather straps in frustration. 

“I hate these damn things!” you yelled.

Erwin breathlessly chuckled which was the first time you saw him chuckle. He tossed the leather straps from the upper part of his uniform to the side. He then put his hands over yours stilling your quick and desperate movements. 

“You have my attention,” Erwin whispered. “Take your time.” 

The pace suddenly changed as Erwin took over and began to unbuckle the belts on your uniform. It was a quiet and tender moment as he thoughtfully undressed you. You let him undress you and admired the look of longing on his face. Once the belts on the upper part of your uniform were removed he helped you pull your shirt over your head. Clad in your bra Erwin could clearly see old scars on your arms and torso. He ran a knuckle over one of your scars with the gentlest touch. 

You kissed him once and began to undress him with the same amount of care. First went his Commander bolo tie which you placed in a drawer of the desk so it wouldn't be lost. You started to unbutton his white shirt one button at a time until sliding the fabric off his broad shoulders. Erwin balled up the white shirt and tossed it to the side somewhere near your discarded shirt. His skin had its own secrets and stories. There were battle scars from years before you even knew him. His hands were calloused from wielding the swords for so long. You felt his calloused hands caress the plush skin of your abdomen and chest. 

You didn't know exactly how long he'd been in the Scout Regiment for. He spent maybe ten or even twenty years of fighting for a dream. His determination never dwindled. It only burned hotter with time but you feared one day he would burn himself out. Candles always self extinguished if left untouched. The flame couldn't go on forever.

You wanted to touch him and remind him he was still just a man. A wonderful man, but still just a man who had needs like everyone else. He wanted to touch you and remind you that you were still desirable despite all your scars both physically and mentally. You were deserving of all the love you were denied. Your physical beauty was only the half of it. Your spirit was the best part of you.

Soon, the lower part of your bodies craved the attention that the upper part received. You began to get frustrated by your uniforms once again. There were more belts to unbuckle from your waist to your thighs. Now topless you laid back and waited as patiently as possible for Erwin to finish undressing you. He removed the rest of the uniform starting with your boots. Eventually, you were finally free of any restrictions. Neither of you wanted to spend too much time on foreplay. From what he could tell while briefly pleasuring you with his hand, you were ready. 

Perhaps, you two could drag it out some other time, not today. The brisk desperate pace from earlier returned. Erwin undid the belt around his pants and finally gave you what you wanted. It was certainly worth the wait. He was just as he was in battle… Relentless. You expected nothing less. You clawed at his back creating red streaks with your nails as he grunted with satisfaction. Explicits slipped from his refined lips which surprised you a little. You didn't realize his vocabulary as colorful as yours. 

Neither of you lasted very long until reaching an orgasm. What your lovemaking lacked in foreplay it made up for in intensity. Both of you screamed out in ecstasy which could probably be heard from down the hall. Neither one of you cared who heard at that moment. Nothing else mattered right now except him and you. The world was perfect for a few seconds just as you wished it was. 

When the excitement died down you sat up and smiled a genuine smile at Erwin. He sat in his chair catching his breath and smiled back holding a hand out to you. When you were able you pushed yourself off the desk into his embrace. He held you close to himself and kissed the top of your head. Being held so tightly made you feel safe and warm. Eventually, you fell asleep in his arms as he savored the afterglow of your first sexual experience together.


	11. Silver Lining

When you awoke you were in Erwin’s chair with his Survey Corps green cape draped over you. Erwin was standing at his desk faced away from you. He was sorting through the papers he knocked off of his desk in the heat of the moment. Doing that created more work for himself but it was well worth it. Unlike you, Erwin was fully dressed although his white shirt was wrinkled. From where you were sitting you could only see the back of him which wasn't a terrible view. 

You quietly got up and hugged him from behind. You would have liked to catch him off guard but he wasn't surprised. 

“Did you sleep well?” he casually asked.  
“Yeah… Pretty well…”  
“That’s good.”  
“I didn't dream any of that, did I?”  
“No, you did not.”  
“Just checking.” 

You nuzzled your nose against the back of his neck lovingly and your hand traveled across his clothed chest. Erwin turned around with a serious look on his face and grasped you by your shoulders. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked.  
“You already know how I feel, however… If this is to work we need to create an arrangement with rules and boundaries.”  
“Alright…”  
“When we are out there on the battlefield or otherwise I am your Commander first and foremost. You can not think of me as anything else.”  
“…”  
“There will be no kissing, touching, or caressing outside of our private spaces. I need you focused on your tasks, not on me.”  
“…”  
“I also need you to be willing to make the right call regardless of your feelings for me. If I am ever in danger you need to consider all parties involved. As for me, I will continue to rely on you for dangerous missions and in battle despite any relationship that may exist between us.”  
“…”  
“Do you agree to these terms?”  
“Kinda strict but I understand.”  
“I’m glad that you do.”  
“I have some conditions too, you know.”  
“Oh?”  
“Actually, I only have one condition.”  
“And what is that?”  
“You will make time for me,” you said firmly. “I’m not asking to be with you all the time but once in awhile… That can’t be too much to ask for.”  
“My time depends on a lot of variables… But rest assured I will find a moment to spare when I can.”  
“So we’re both in agreement?”  
“We are.”  
“I think we need something to make this agreement official.”  
“Yes, I think so.” 

Erwin pulled you against himself and kissed you sealing the agreement. It wasn't frantic like the way you kissed last night. It was slow and deep as if he was still savoring you. You were starting to get turned on again and he let go of you with a smug look on his face. 

“Now, it is official,” he said.  
“Mhm… You’re a good kisser.”  
“Am I?”  
“I think so.”  
“Interesting… Do you want to know a secret?”  
“A secret? Is it a military secret?”  
“No, it’s a personal secret.”  
“Um, sure.”  
“That was my first real sexual experience.”  
“You’re kidding…”  
“I’m not.”  
“But— I— You didn't act like it.”  
“I know how to please a woman, I've just never had the opportunity to put it into practice. It wasn't a priority of mine.” 

That was unexpected and it filled you with immense pride. Erwin loved Marie but never engaged sexually with her. He loved her from afar. He always loved from afar but not this time. You began to chuckle finding that aspect of him cute. He was older than you by more than just a few years yet he suddenly felt boyish. 

“You’re laughing at me?”  
“Hehe… I’m sorry I just— I would have never thought you were a virgin…”  
“I may lack experience but I had no difficulty making you writhe underneath me, wouldn't you agree?” 

That immediately shut you up and his point was emphasized by backing you up. You fell back into the chair and Erwin held both sides of the armrests caging you in. His dirty words and overwhelming confidence only added to your arousal. 

“You have a filthy mouth, Sir,” you said seductively.  
“So I do.”  
“I like it when you talk like that.”  
“I’ll try to do it more often then.”  
“And I’ll try to educate you more.”  
“Please do.”

You bit your lip and grabbed the belt around his pants with the intention of giving him fellatio. You started to undo the belt and he stopped you. 

“I didn't mean now.”  
“It won’t take long.”  
“You have work to do, don’t you?”  
“I’m helping Hange look over those documents my team recovered…”  
“Then you should go do that.”  
“I rather do you again.”  
“You can have me to yourself some other time.”  
“Oh fine…” 

You sighed and looked around for your clothes. Erwin pointed to a pile which he folded himself. You put your underwear on first and then your pants. You noticed him watching you in the corner of your eye and purposely turned to face him while dressing.

“What are you watching me for?” you teased him. “I thought you had stuff to do?”  
“You’re the one making a show of it,” he teased back. “I highly doubt you dress this way every morning.” 

Erwin was surprisingly playful with you. He had a dry sense of humor but he still had one. You now had the privilege of getting to know him more as an individual. There was much more to him than just the stoic demeanor he usually portrayed. He was your lover now and you would enjoy seeing the sides of him that were hidden from the public. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and everything froze.

“Commander Erwin,” a messenger said. “I have a message.”  
“Is it important?” Erwin asked projecting his voice.  
“It’s from Dhalis Zachary, Sir.”  
“Just a moment.” 

You quickly gathered your garments and Erwin silently gestured for you to come with a wave of his hand. You hid under his desk but accidentally left one important garment behind. Erwin sat at his desk and instructed the messenger to come in. The messenger saw your bra left discarded on the floor and blushed. Erwin noticed it as well but carried on as if everything was perfectly normal. He took the letter from the messenger thanking him for delivering it. 

“Uhh… Sir?”  
“Yes, was there anything else?”  
“N-No… Nothing else…”  
“You look like you have something to say.”  
“No, Sir! That was all!”  
“You’re dismissed then.” 

The messenger nodded curtly and walked over to the door. He opened the door and looked back for a moment at his Commander who was still maintaining his act. The messenger gave him a thumbs up and left quickly. Erwin was slightly flustered by the encouraging gesture as you crawled out from underneath his desk laughing. Erwin sighed and rubbed his forehead.

“I swear, you are so troublesome…” 

You nodded in agreement and retrieved the missing garment. You put on your bra and threw your shirt over your head. As you redid the various belts Erwin opened the letter from Zachary and read it to himself. You were ready to go after putting your boots and jacket on.

“Anything I need to know?” you asked Erwin.  
“No, it’s about our budget and resources. Nothing I will bore you with.”  
“Well, then I’m off.”  
“Make sure you report any findings to me.”  
“Yeah, I know the drill…”

You leaned over the desk and Erwin put the letter down knowing what you expected from him. You two exchanged a quick goodbye kiss before going back to your respective duties. It was an understatement to say you were late to meet with Hange. For as long as you've known Hange they were always working on something. You entered Hange’s study and saw them and Levi reviewing the documents. Hange was talking Levi’s ear off as they did to everyone.

“Why’s Levi here?” you asked.“You were late so I needed to get someone else!”  
“So I’m being punished because of you…” Levi said scowling at you. “Why am I not surprised.”  
“Hmph. What are you trying to say?”  
“You’re such a bum.”  
“I just overslept a little… That’s all!”  
“Don’t you have an assistant?” Levi said to Hange annoyed.  
“I do but she made me give him the day off.”  
“Because Hange is a slave driver!”  
“Hey!”  
“You’re working him to death! Give him a break!” 

You and Hange continued to argue while pointing at each other. Levi was in the middle and was repulsed by the natural musk emitting from you two. 

“Both of you need to take a damn shower… I can just smell the sweat.”  
“Oh yeah, I forgot to shower. Oh well…” you shrugged.  
“No point in wasting valuable research time!”  
“You two are disgusting…”  
“You know, he threw a bucket of water on me once,” you informed Hange.  
“And I’ll do it again,” Levi said. “You too, Hange.”  
“I’ll shower tomorrow!” Hange yelled.  
“Not good enough.”  
“Ugh, you’re so angry all the time!” you yelled. “Lighten up! Come on, it’s a nice day!”  
“…What?”  
“Yeah, the sun is out, and… Everything is pretty okay for the most part!”  
“Why are you so damn happy?”  
“Hmm, I don’t know… I just am.” 

You smiled genuinely which was unusual. Your mood was so vastly different from just a few days ago. When you came to Levi before you seemed almost hopeless. The world still was in shambles with the fall of wall Maria but you had just a little bit of happiness now. Levi gave a huff and went back to doing whatever he was doing.

“Oh fine, I’ll go shower so Levi doesn't go on a rampage.”  
“But you just got here!” Hange protested.  
“It’s just an excuse,” Levi told Hange. “She’ll take three hours and leave you with all the work.”  
“I only did that once!” you yelled.  
“You’re lazy, everyone knows that.” 

You gave Levi the middle finger and he gave it right back. You left Hange’s study to go shower. This time, you agreed with him, you could use it. 

“That was weird,” Levi commented under his breath.  
“What was?”  
“Her.”  
“Maybe she’s just having a good day! Who knows… I have no idea! Haha!”  
“Relax four eyes, I know the whole story.”  
“Eh? You do?”  
“Yeah.” 

Levi and Hange both knew of your romance with Erwin. Neither one of them intended to share it with anyone. Alice noticed you two were close but what she knew about your history with him was limited. Hange studied Levi’s facial expression trying to see if there was any emotional reaction. A bit of a social experiment. He became annoyed and gave Hange a dirty look.

“What’s your problem?” he barked.  
“Does it bother you?”  
“Why the hell would it bother me?”  
“You liked her, didn't you?”  
“You’ve definitely lost your mind now.”  
“Come on, just admit it!”  
“Tch. What bothers me is when someone can’t take a risk because they’re too afraid of the consequences. If she finally got what she wanted then good. She deserves it.” 

Hange was surprised by his honest response and thought that was very fascinating. Some people prioritized their wants and needs over others but Levi did not. Hange found that to be admirable.

“You’re a good sport and a good friend, Levi.”  
“We’re not friends.”  
“I think you are!”  
“No.”  
“Well are we friends?”  
“No.”  
“Aww!” 

Levi and Hange were your good friends whether they liked it or not. Miche was quiet and kept to himself but you could consider him a friend too. You were now surrounded by good people with good hearts. They were all vastly different from one another but all of you were united by one goal. Never in your life did your heart feel so full. If Erwin never recruited you then you would have never known what it meant to have a life. This was your life now. 

When you returned Levi and Hange were gone but the room wasn't empty. Moblit was there looking into a microscope at the paper of the documents. He was performing various tests on the paper itself to determine the age. He had a theory about these documents that he needed to test out.

“Moblit, what are you doing here?” you asked.  
“I slept in and now I’m ready to get back to work.”  
“But it’s your day off!”  
“Yes, but Section Commander Hange needs me. I appreciate the gesture but I need to be here.”  
“You were supposed to go on a date!”  
“Captain… What are you talking about?” Moblit asked confused.  
“Why do you think I gave Audrey the day off?”  
“How was I supposed to know that?”  
“Aren’t you supposed to be smart?” 

Moblit groaned in frustration and went back to work. He avoided eye contact and was easily embarrassed by the subject. 

“It’s for the best.”  
“Bullshit.”  
“Captain please…”  
“What are you afraid of?”  
“I like our friendship and I don’t want to ruin it,” Moblit said. “There are a lot of things that can go wrong— I can say the wrong thing and seeing each other would become uncomfortable. Also—”

Moblit went on for a while about the various reasons he couldn't go on a date with Alice. It was more than just cold feet, it was the persistence of excessive worry. Moblit’s anxiety was also viewed as a personality quirk along with Levi’s OCD and your self destructive behaviors. Hange stressing him out was just one factor in his drinking. His worries could not be easily quelled but you tried your best. You could relate to him to an extent. 

“A very wise and short man told me something recently that changed the way I think. If the whole world went to hell more than it already has, who do you want to spend your last moments with?”  
“…”  
“The first person that pops into your head is the person you want to be with. I know you can’t help it but our lives are too short to hesitate or worry about what-ifs.”  
“…”  
“So try not to worry about all the things that might go wrong because you might be dead soon.”  
“That… Is not very comforting, Captain.”  
“I’m not trying to comfort you, I’m trying to motivate you!”  
“Please stop yelling!” 

In your effort to motivate Moblit you only made it worse. You sighed and decided to let it go. At least your heart was in the right place. Hange returned with more books in their hands. As if the study needed any more books…

“Section Commander Hange,” Moblit said. “I found something but I wanted to make sure before presenting it to you.”  
“Oh really?”  
“I did some tests and I discovered this paper isn't as old as we thought it was. Someone wrote this in the last few decades and aged the paper to make it look older than that.”  
“So documents are fake?” you asked Moblit.  
“Yes, exactly.”  
“We were looking at what was written the whole time but completely ignored the actual paper,” Hange said. “Good job Moblit!”  
“Yeah, nice work,” you complimented him. “I’ll write a report. I need you to sign it too, Hange.”  
“Right! Now, let me take a look.” 

Hange examined the paper to verify Moblit’s discovery. He might have been racked with anxiety but he was extremely helpful to Hange. You understood why he was a good assistant for them despite being easily stressed. After writing the report Hange reviewed it and signed it. You hand delivered the report to Erwin in the afternoon. You could have sent a messenger but this was sensitive information and you’d take any excuse to see him. You presented your findings to Erwin and he reviewed them in front of you. 

“So the documents were forged,” he commented.  
“That’s what we believe.”  
“That’s very interesting… Perhaps the origin of the Titans is very different than we thought.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I suspect the Royal Government is trying to maintain a certain narrative… Your findings support this theory. Good work.”  
“So what do we do now?”  
“Nothing, for now, return to your squad and wait until I give you the next assignment.”  
“Yes, Sir.”

You nodded and walked towards the exit. He was in Commander mode right now so he was brief and cold. You were about to leave when Erwin called out your name.

“Hmm?”  
“I wanted to inform you that I accomplished more than I thought I would this morning,” Erwin said in a softer tone. “It appears my evening will be free.”  
“Oh?”  
“If you don’t have other plans… Would you like to have dinner together?”  
“And by dinner, do you mean bread and soup?”  
“Yes, unfortunately.”  
“I would love to.” 

You smiled and were filled with pure joy from the thoughtful invitation. Erwin gave you a nod and you left the room. This is how your relationship would function from now on. Both of you had to maintain the delicate balance between work and fun.


	12. Blood Part 1

It was the year 847, two years since Erwin became Commander and one year since the start of your relationship with him. Your arrangement was successful for the most part. You commanded your squad and took Erwin’s orders. When you were busy or away on business you sent him love letters along with your reports. You would slip them in between the important information. Erwin had a box which he kept your love letters in. He also wrote back and you saved his letters as well.

Erwin kept his word and made time for you when available. He did everything that he said he would in his letter. He didn't give you a flower every day but every now and then a messenger would arrive with a rose. He was very romantic and made sure to remind you that you were special. Getting a flower or a letter from him was enough to put you on cloud nine for the whole day. The only thing better than that was making love to him.

At this point, he was well versed in the art of making love. Being a wordsmith he always found new ways to make you blush. He was gifted at talking dirty and indulging your fantasies. He didn't like being called Commander in bed since that’s who he always was. With you, he simply wanted to be himself but he was open to role playing. Something was freeing about pretending to live another life. Erwin usually took the dominant role but sometimes he explored being submissive. One time in particular, you switched roles and pretended to be his superior. That was fun for you.

There was nothing more sexually satisfying to him after a stressful day than receiving oral stimulation from you. All he had to do was sit back and enjoy. He had difficulty sitting back and instead would grab a fistful of your hair and vocalize his pleasure. Erwin would always apologize for getting carried away. He was strong and didn't want you to feel manhandled. You took no offense because you knew he meant no harm. You always felt a great sense of pride knowing you could get him to curse and moan. 

Your relationship wasn't purely sexual since Erwin enjoyed just being near you. Eventually, he asked you to share his quarters which you accepted. It was more convenient than going back and forth between your room and his. This was the closest you would get to living together. Marriage wasn't something you two currently wanted and as for children… You reluctantly told him you were unable. He didn't love you any less and assured you that children were not an option for him anyway. It was too cruel to bring a child into the world and go off to fight the Titans. Even if you could, you would not leave a child abandoned without a mother or father to care for them. 

Your lifestyles were the same and your hobbies overlapped. You loved to write and he loved to read. Sometimes he would ask to read your poetry if you didn't mind. He found your work to be poignant and loved every minute of it. Erwin was the only one you shared your poetry with. In return, he shared bits and pieces of his life with you. He could be quite talkative at times. As much as you enjoyed each other’s company you respected each other’s space. When he drank, he drank alone or with Levi and Miche. He would never drink in your presence and you appreciated that. 

Unfortunately, things weren't always so joyous in your relationship. Erwin had bad days when the constant failure of the Scouts was too much for him. Throughout the day he remained calm and composed as always but at night he was an empty and lonely man. While asleep his subconscious manifested his deepest fears and his guilt. In tonight’s nightmare, Erwin was standing in a field with various dead bodies around him. They were soldiers who he saw die with his own eyes. The Titans were in the distance and he heard a voice call out to him.

“Commander Erwin…”

Erwin looked down and saw you holding his leg. Your face was bloody and your body was missing from the waist down. Your entrails spilled out as you begged him for help. Your blood was on his hands even though he didn't touch you.

“Help me…”  
“…”  
“I thought you loved me…”  
“…”  
“Why did you do this to me?” 

Erwin jolted awake and the quick movement woke you up. It wasn't unusual for Erwin to have dreams like this but the ones with you were the most horrifying of them all. You didn’t realize just how much being Commander weighed on him until you two started sharing the same quarters. You were so foolish to think he was the epitome of strength and that he had no weaknesses.

Erwin sat up and rubbed his face with his hands. You sat up next to him and put your hand on his back rubbing in a slow circular motion. 

“Are you okay?”  
“It’s nothing.”  
“You don’t need to pretend.”  
“I’m not pretending.” 

He didn’t like to show weakness to anyone, not even you, but pain was not weakness. It was difficult to comfort him when he was like this. Coddling him too much annoyed him to the point of leaving the room. He wasn't the only one who suffered from nightmares. Ghosts from the past haunted your dreams which caused you to scream out in your sleep. Occasionally, you dreamed of the Titans but it was the past that tormented you the most. He comforted you by holding you in his arms. Just like him, you tended to push away trying to exhibit strength. In that regard, you were the same. 

Unlike Erwin, not all your ghosts were dead. Nigel was alive and living as a prisoner within the Military Police Regiment. He convinced them that he could be useful and explained he was a chemist. He made all sorts of promises about what he was capable of. The Interior Police took charge of him and put him to work. Nigel created poisons and drugs. He had a desk inside of his cell with chemistry equipment and various papers were thrown about. 

Nigel was well behaved up until now. He spent many years earning their trust and gaining more privileges. He learned quite a bit about the Military Police by listening to conversations and asking seemingly dumb questions. He learned of the newly created Anti-Personnel Control Squad led by Kenny Ackermann. He was familiar with his work as a serial killer and found it ironic that he was working for the Military Police now. 

The squad was supposedly created to combat the Scout Regiment but that was just a ruse. Kenny came up with that to get approval from the assembly. Nigel asked for Kenny by name and wanted to speak with him. Kenny was tickled by the prisoner’s audacity and indulged the request out of pure curiosity and boredom.

“You’re the poor idiot that asked to see me, huh?” Kenny mocked. “Got a death wish, kid?”  
“So you’re Kenny the Ripper. I thought it was just a myth…”  
“That’s what you called me here for? What are ya, a fanboy?”  
“It must be nice having a name that strikes fear into so many people. No one runs away from a guy named Nigel.”  
“Heh, that is a stupid name but so is Kenny the Ripper.”  
“Hmph.”  
“Enough with the small talk, you want something, don'tcha Nigel?” 

Nigel got up from his desk and approached the bars of his cell. He grasped the metal bars with a hunger in his eyes. 

“I used to want to be rich. I used to make money off the dreams of other people by dangling something they really wanted in front of them. Promise a sick man that he’ll live forever and he’ll give you every cent he’s got. Promise a widow true love and she’ll give you her firstborn. There is no limit to human greed and I used that to my advantage.” 

Kenny saw himself in the chemist, cynicism and all. He was a man devoid of any compassion or empathy. He was willing to take everything from another individual to further his dream. Nigel’s dream changed over the years. The desire for wealth faded with time and a new desire was born from his humiliation. 

“Now, I just want to kill Erwin Smith,” Nigel informed Kenny. “He’s had it coming for a while now.”  
“There’s a lot of people that’ll be happy about that.”  
“I don’t care about the politics. I just want to kill him.”  
“Hehe… Alright, I’ll let you get what you want, not that I care if he lives or dies but just for fun. Just to see if you can.” 

Nigel looked at Kenny surprised by his response. He didn't even have to ask him to let him out. There was a lot more he was going to say but it wasn't needed. Kenny was amused by Nigel and his desire to kill Erwin. He thought it might be fun to release him and let the rest unfold. He didn't care about the politics either but he was curious about what happens to a man who gets his revenge. 

Kenny instructed the soldier keeping watch to open Nigel’s cell. When the soldier questioned his order Kenny shot him without any hesitation. He took the keys from the dead soldier and tossed them to Nigel. He unlocked himself and walked out of his cell stepping over the body.

“Lemme ask you somethin’,” Kenny said approaching him. “After you get what you want then what?”  
“Then I’ll join you.”  
“HA! Oh, you think I want garbage like you!?”  
“I’ll prove myself.”  
“There ain’t nothing to prove, boy. You got no heart but when you get what you want I wonder if you’ll change your mind. There’s nothin’ I hate more than a coward so if you change your mind you’re as good as dead.” 

Kenny made his point by punching him in the gut and grinned in a disturbingly cheerful manner. Nigel doubled over as Kenny put his hand out to him. He looked up at him resenting that and took his hand with hesitation. He was so sure of himself just a second ago. Nigel realized he just made a deal with the devil and it was too late to turn back.

A few days later Erwin summoned you and Levi to speak with him in his office. It was a matter that concerned the future of the Survey Corps. 

“There has been a discussion to defund the Scout Regiment,” he informed both of you. “There is more concern over protecting the remaining land than understanding the Titans and exploring outside the walls. We have lost some of our support.”  
“Of course we did,” you said sarcastically.  
“I’m going to appear in court to make the argument against defunding us. You and Levi will accompany me.”  
“You need both of us?”  
“We may need to play dirty,” Erwin said to you two. “Be prepared to speak if I call upon you.”

You and Levi nodded in agreement with Erwin’s plan. Both of you were incredibly loyal for different reasons. For you, it was out of love and devotion. For Levi, it was immense respect for his Commander. One of you were almost always at his side. The way you thought of it, Levi was Erwin’s sword and you were his shield. You two came a long way from trying to kill each other. 

Both of you accompanied Erwin in the courtroom. The assembly members sat at a long table and Dhalis Zachary acted as the judge. There was not a single woman in sight, you were the only one. Women among the higher military ranks was unusual and there were none in the assembly.

“What the hell are they staring at me for?” you whispered to Levi.  
“You know why,” he whispered back. 

It was a gentlemen’s club which you challenged with your presence. If Erwin could not persuade them with his words, blackmail was an option, which is what you were here for. You had faith he could make his point successfully. Erwin was given a chance to speak on the behalf of the Scout Regiment before they voted to defund it or not. 

“You may think the Scout Regiment has become obsolete with the fall of Wall Maria,” He stated. “You may think there is no need for an exploration team and patrolling the remaining walls is sufficient. It is not.”

Erwin did his thing presenting the facts and information with powerful eloquence. He made good points and arguments swaying things in his favor. He reminded the assembly that the Scout Regiment’s priorities did change after the fall of Wall Maria. Sealing the breach and reclaiming the wall was the top priority. 

He believed that they could reclaim Wall Maria one day but they needed to be patient. You and Levi watched him silently with your arms crossed. This was what he was best at and you thought he almost enjoyed being challenged. There was a thrill for him in battling others intellectually. Eventually, the assembly voted in favor of the Scout Regiment and agreed to continue funding them.

You noticed the small smug smile on his face when leaving the court building. He won just like he intended to. No wonder you could never win an argument with him. You and Levi walked behind him towards the carriage. He said the three of you would discuss this in further detail back at the base. 

A man wearing the Military Police uniform passed you three. You stopped walking and turned your head thinking that you recognized him. The soldier was faced away from you and reached into his jacket. Erwin and Levi stopped walking as well.

“Is something the matter,” Erwin asked you. 

The soldier turned around revealing himself to be Nigel and held a pistol. He aimed for Erwin and fired the shot. You yelled Erwin’s name and pushed him to the ground. The bullet penetrated your right shoulder blade. The impact brought you to the ground near Erwin. While on the ground you clutched your shoulder as the blood seeped through the green coat. 

“GO, LEVI!”

Levi was already in motion before you even screamed out. He chased the assassin at an inhuman speed going right into battle mode. Nigel ran away taking the pursuit through the city. You trusted Levi to capture Nigel, he was more than capable of doing that. Your priority was Erwin’s safety. 

“Commander Erwin, get out of here!”  
“I will not run while you bleed out.” 

Erwin rose and cradled your wounded body. He put you in the carriage and instructed the coachman to take you to the nearest hospital. In the carriage, he removed your coat, shirt, and belts. He ripped the shirt you were wearing to create a temporary bandage along with one of your belts. He applied pressure to help control the bleeding and reduce the chance of death. His hands were covered in your blood just like he dreamed.

You started to lose consciousness and couldn't make out what he was saying. Knowing him, he was probably telling you to stay with him. He was safe and you were satisfied with your sacrifice. If this is how you died you were perfectly fine with that. Erwin’s greatest fear came to fruition. He always thought he would be the death of you in one way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be another 2 parter mini arc. We're getting closer and closer to meeting the 104th trainees, they're coming in the future :)


	13. Blood Part 2

Levi shed his green coat while chasing Nigel through the city. He didn't have his ODM gear but he didn't need it. He was determined to capture the man who shot you. Levi’s feelings for you passed but your hostile friendship meant a great deal to him. He did not want to lose another friend. He knew your death would devastate Erwin and vice versa. If Erwin was shot instead his reaction would have been the same. The two of them also became good friends, as surprising as that was. Your friendships were built on a deep respect for one another. For your sacrifice, he owed you Nigel’s capture.

Nigel was no match for Levi’s speed and resorted to using dirty tricks. Before turning the corner he aimed and shot the gun again. Instead of hitting him, he hit an elderly woman to the side of him. The bystanders screamed out in panic and the woman fell to the ground. Levi was torn between pursuing Nigel and assisting the woman who was shot. His conscience forced him to stop the pursuit and turn around to help the woman. Nigel bought himself some more time with that and ran off. Levi kneeled next to the woman and quickly assessed the wound. She was shot in the chest and her age made a fatality more likely. 

“You,” he barked at a bystander. “Apply pressure to the wound and get her to a hospital, now.”  
“M-Me?” the bystander asked.  
“I don’t have time for this.” 

Levi jumped right back into action still determined to catch Nigel. This time he got to higher ground and relocated him. He followed him jumping from building to building. 

“You bastard,” Levi thought to himself. “You’re not getting away.”

Nigel thought he finally escaped and hid between two buildings. He panted and pushed his windswept hair back with a hand. He didn't expect to be chased so fiercely. He underestimated the Scouts and you three in particular. He thought just two people guarding Erwin would be easy and one of them was you. From what he remembered you weren't so tough but you were a different woman now. He didn't care that you were shot, in fact, it was better than missing completely. He thought you had it coming too. 

After catching his breath Nigel figured it was safe to come out. He started to walk towards the opening of the street.

“You just had to piss me off, didn't you?” a cold voice said. 

Nigel looked up and saw Levi above him with the eyes of a predator. He didn't have a chance to shoot before Levi jumped and landed on top of him. Nigel lost his grip on the gun and when he tried to retrieve it Levi kicked him hard making him land flat on his back. Nigel tried to reach for the gun and Levi crushed his hand with his foot. He placed his other foot directly on his throat.

“Here’s some advice,” Levi said looking down at Nigel. “If you wanna kill someone don’t be so damn obvious about it. If you used a rifle you might of had a few more seconds before I kicked your ass.”  
“…”  
“And that stunt you pulled was cheap. You’re an amateur.” 

Nigel couldn't do anything against Levi and was captured. Levi knew Erwin would want to interrogate him later. He wasn’t sure if Nigel was truly Military Police or if that was just a disguise. 

Meanwhile, Erwin was at the hospital with you sitting in a chair near the bed. You were laying on the side to reduce the pressure on your shoulder blade. The bullet was removed and you were given a transfusion due to the blood loss. If the carriage ride was any longer you would have been dead. A little later Levi showed up to inform Erwin of Nigel’s capture. Before he said a word he glanced over at the bed and looked at you wrapped in bandages. 

“She’s stable,” Erwin informed him. “She will live.” 

Levi turned his attention back to Erwin and noticed your blood was still on his hands. It was dried now and suggested that he didn't leave your side for a single moment. 

“You should wash your hands,” Levi said.  
“Yes, I know.”

Levi saw the troubled look on his face and internally sighed. He crossed his arms and cooly leaned against the wall.

“I got the son of a bitch,” Levi said. “He’s waiting for you.”  
“I will go when she wakes up.”  
“He’s not a professional. He was sloppy and drew a lot of attention to himself.”  
“I know who he is.”  
“…”  
“Go, keep an eye on him and see what you can learn. I will join you shortly.”

Levi obeyed Erwin’s orders and left the hospital. Erwin stared at you for a few more moments before he got up and went to the bathroom to wash his hands. Even when the blood was washed away he still felt guilt. You've had near death experiences before but this was different. He saw you willingly throw your life away with his own eyes. It was not something he could repay. He had asked you a long time ago to give your heart to the cause but you gave it to him instead. He knew you would always choose his life over yours in any situation.

When Erwin returned you finally awoke. Everything that occurred was one big blur but you did remember being shot and who the shooter was. 

“Hey Erwin…” you said weakly.  
“I see you’re awake,” he said coming to your bedside.  
“I got shot, right?”  
“You did.”  
“I’m starting to think I have nine lives or something,” you joked.  
“At this point, I wouldn't doubt it,” he sadly joked back.

He looked to the side and you noticed his somber gaze. It was similar to the way he looked out the window at night when he couldn't sleep.

“What’s with that look?”  
“You saved my life.”  
“That’s kind of my duty.”  
“You did not act out of duty, we both know that.” 

Part of your agreement was to separate your emotions from your duty, but in this case, it was all the same to you. There was no scenario where you would have allowed him to be shot. He may have thought he could be replaced but you disagreed. The Scout Regiment needed him. You made peace with death a long time ago. With your job, it was always a possibility and it didn't bother you anymore. Dying to protect the one you loved was not a terrible way to die.

“I always thought when I died it would be meaningless and no one would care,” you said glancing up at him. “You told me there were better ways to die than on the side of the road like a wounded animal and you were right…”  
“I was wrong,” Erwin retorted. “There is no ideal way to die.”

You were taken aback by his sharp contradictory statement. Erwin always emphasized dying for the sake of humanity. He encouraged his soldiers to give their hearts. No sacrifice was too great. You lived by his heroic ideology and now he was saying that it was wrong. He confused you and he realized he shouldn't have said that. 

“Sorry, you should rest.”  
“Erwin.”  
“Rest,” he repeated seriously. “I’ll take care of Nigel.”  
“So that was him, huh?”  
“I’m not certain, but I think so.”  
“He’s Military Police now?”  
“We are going to find out. There are a lot of unanswered questions.” 

Erwin headed for the door with his goal in mind. You called out to him regaining his attention. 

“Erwin, you’re forgetting something…”  
“Yes, of course…”

Erwin turned back around and approached the hospital bed again. He kissed you gently put a hand on the side of your face. 

“I’ll be back in a few days.”  
“See you soon…”  
“Right.”  
“I love you, Erwin…”  
“Yes I know, and I love you…” 

He kissed your forehead with the soft warmth he kissed your lips with. After that, he left the hospital and went to go take care of business. Erwin was angry, very angry, but he composed himself. While alone in the carriage, he recalled a memory from his youth. He was an odd child who loved learning and had little in common with his peers. The brightest mind in the class also had the bushiest brows, even as a child. He stood out from all the other children both physically and mentally. 

Sometimes, he was the object of ridicule either because he was different or out of envy. One day, after the class was dismissed Erwin was packing up. His father, the school teacher, went to another room. Erwin noticed he was missing one of his books and looked around for it. He looked under his desk and heard giggling. He bumped his head on the way up and rubbed it. There were two boys laughing at him and one was holding his missing book. Erwin tried to take it back but they held it away from him. They tossed it back and forth playing keep away.

“Give that back! It’s mine!” Erwin yelled.  
“Try and take it, Eyebrow!"  
“I told you, that’s not my name!”  
“Hehe!”  
“Agh!!!”

Erwin pushed the bully to the ground. He got on top of him and punched him as the other child tried to pull him off. Erwin’s father heard the commotion and entered the room. 

“Boys, that is enough!” 

Mr. Smith broke up the fight and lined the three children up. Erwin looked down feeling as if he had disappointed his father.

“Please, go home or I will have to speak to your parents about this,” Mr. Smith said to the two boys.

The two boys nodded and left the classroom quickly. Mr. Smith was left with his son who sniffled.

“Why were you fighting?” he asked Erwin.  
“They took my things!” 

Mr. Smith sighed and then kneeled so he was at an eye level with his child. He put a hand on Erwin’s shoulder. 

“Son, always use your words first.”  
“…”  
“Violence only leads to more violence. It’s important to try to talk things out first.”  
“…”  
“Only resort to violence if you have no choice.”  
“…”  
“Do you understand what I’m saying, son?”  
“Yes, Sir.” 

In the present, Erwin looked out the window reflecting on all he’s done and all he will do. He knew what he had to do next would not be pleasant. He wondered if his father would be proud of the man he’s become. In recent years, he made great strides, even though the Scout Regiment continued to struggle. They struggled even under his leadership. He hoped he would have accomplished more at this point. Everyone was pulling their weight, especially you and your squad. He was proud to be Commander but it had a price. 

When he arrived he met with Levi outside of the room Nigel was being held. They only had a limited amount of time to interrogate him before the Military Police would try to intervene.

“He won’t talk,” Levi informed Erwin.  
“Just as I expected.”  
“So, what are we gonna do?”  
“We will do what is necessary.” 

Erwin went into the interrogation room and Levi followed him. It was dark and cold like a dungeon. Nigel was tied to a chair and his head was pointed downward. Erwin approached Nigel and looked down at him with an icy glare. The prisoner refused to look at Erwin. 

“So, they kept you alive all these years,” Erwin stated.  
“Did I kill her?” Nigel asked hopefully. “Is she dead?”  
“I assure you it would take more than a bullet,” Erwin said suppressing his anger. “And she wasn't your target, I was.”  
“…”  
“Who are you working for, Nigel? I want names and details. Tell me everything you've come to learn.”  
“…”  
“I will try to reason with you before I resort to violence but you've never been a reasonable man.”  
“I don’t work for anyone,” Nigel said quietly.  
“I don’t believe you.” 

Erwin walked around Nigel slowly and waited for him to break. After a few moments, he grasped the chair and tilted it back forcing Nigel to look him in the eye. His stare was intimidating and intense. 

“Are you a man satisfied by petty revenge or do you crave more?”  
“…”  
“What did they promise you for my assassination? Money? Power? Freedom?”  
“…”  
“We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Nigel. Only you can determine how this conversation transpires.”  
“…”  
“What will it be?” 

Shortly after their first encounter, Kenny told Nigel of his grand dream. He told him of the God-like power he was after and got him hungry for it too. Now, in comparison, revenge didn't seem worth his time and effort. He thought Kenny’s grand dream was so much better. No matter what he would not reveal that information. There was no point in it, he was as good as dead either way. 

As a response, Nigel spit in his face. Erwin let go of the chair and Levi handed him a handkerchief. Erwin wiped his face and tucked the handkerchief into his breast pocket. He then took his jacket off and handed it to Levi. He rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt and cracked his knuckles.

“I will not take any pleasure in this, even if you deserve it,” Erwin said to Nigel. “The day I enjoy the suffering of another creature is the day I truly become a monster. Maybe one day that will be what I become, but not today.” 

Erwin punched Nigel with utter coldness while Levi stood on the side watching him. Commander Erwin forced himself to separate his emotions from the situation. The goal was to obtain information not avenge you, at least that is what he convinced himself. Levi knew from the start that his Commander could be cold blooded and he was no better. The difference was that Erwin made the effort to restrain himself. It was easy for Levi to lose control and succumb to his rage. He didn't know the whole story here but he already figured out that this was personal.

Eventually, Erwin took a step back and looked at the bloodied and beaten man with indifference. 

“Have you had enough?” he asked Nigel coldly.  
“You think you’re so tough but you Scouts are a bunch of losers… You’ll always be losers.”  
“That is a big claim from a man I’ve restrained twice.”  
“Tch.”  
“I will ask you again, what do you know?”

Nigel continued to stay silent even after being beaten. For the first time in his life, he cared for something other than himself. He wanted to protect Kenny’s secret. Erwin realized they were getting nowhere and decided to try again later. He instructed Levi to follow him and both men left the room. Erwin locked the door leaving Nigel in isolation. 

“So now what?” Levi asked.  
“We will wait,” Erwin said. “Come, let’s discuss the next step.” 

Both of them returned to Erwin’s office to discuss the situation and share a drink. After today, both of them could use it. They didn't even have a moment to discuss the budget. Right now, that was not a priority. 

“You really think he knows anything useful?” Levi asked.  
“I do,” Erwin responded. “If he’s survived for this long he must have gained their trust which means they may have let their guard down around him. I’m certain he knows more than he is letting on.” 

Erwin sat back in his chair looking at the amber liquid and was reminded of you. He wasn't sure if he truly helped you and becoming romantically involved only complicated things. Erwin started to question how practical it was for him to be both your Commander and your boyfriend. He chose a bloody path and dragged you along with him. Levi saw his mind was elsewhere and decided to be straight forward about it. 

“You’re not blaming yourself are you?”  
“Levi, I rather not discuss this with you.”  
“You’re doing it again,” Levi said calling him out. “Worrying about someone who can take care of themselves. She might of been broken when you found her but she isn't now. She made her choices and I don’t think she’d change a damn thing. Neither would you.”  
“…”  
“What was that you told me? Something about regret.”  
“…”  
“Was all that just bullshit?” 

Erwin leaned back in his chair and sipped his drink. He recalled what Levi was referring to. Those words changed Levi forever, it was important to him. Erwin inspired both you and Levi with his words. Without him, you two would be entirely different people. 

“ 'If you begin to regret, you'll dull your future decisions and let others make your choices for you…' ” Erwin said quoting himself.  
“So, you remember.”  
“Yes, I remember.”

Levi didn't care if the change in Erwin’s disposition was because he was doubting his relationship with you or not. Doubt was not a good look for him, regardless of what it was. 

“I won’t follow a Commander who second guesses himself,” Levi said. “Whatever it is, get over it.”  
“Thank you, Levi,” Erwin said smiling slightly. “I needed to hear that.” 

It was true, he would not have done a single thing in his life differently. He got himself to this point for a dream. As for you, he had to accept your blood would always be on his hands. You lived dangerous lives but repressing his feelings for you was futile. He tried that already and loving you was not something to regret. Erwin could not afford to question himself both as a Commander and as a man. From his point forward he would never doubt himself again. 

The next day, Erwin and Levi returned to the interrogation room and found Nigel on the ground with an empty vial next to him. His eyes were open and his mouth was agape with drool leaking from the corner of his mouth. Nigel freed himself from his restraints but did not try to escape. He lost his resolve to join Kenny and had nothing left to do but die. The secret of the Anti-Personnel Control Squad and the God-like power died with him. As he squirmed on the ground right before death he came to a dreadful conclusion. It was that you were right all along. He was a coward. 

“He’s dead,” Levi said.  
“Yes, it would appear so.”  
Erwin kneeled near Nigel and examined his face. He then grasped the small vial and held it up to the light. There was just a drop of liquid left behind which was a poison he created. Erwin concluded that this was a suicide, there was no doubt about it. 

“I have a theory,” Erwin said looking at the vial. “I don’t think it was us he was afraid of.”  
“…”  
“Whoever his superior was would have killed him whether he released information or not. He knew he was trapped and chose to take his own life.”  
“…”  
“It’s unfortunate we learned nothing from this.” 

Erwin stood up straight and put the vial in his pocket. He would give it to Hange later to examine and to use as proof of the suicide. Both men left the room disappointed by the outcome of the interrogation. What they had to do left a bad taste in their mouths and they gained nothing from it. Neither one of them would harp on it for long. He was dead and there was nothing they could do to change it. You, however, were alive and waiting for them. 

“Are you going back to the hospital?” Levi asked.  
“I have some things to do first, but yes. I will be there as soon as I can.”  
“I’ll meet you there.” 

Erwin and Levi said goodbye to each other and went in different directions. After Hange was informed about what happened they immediately wanted to come see you. Moblit was also concerned about your wellbeing. You were kind to him and showed that you cared. Alice was heartbroken by the news and gathered your squad together. She informed them of what happened. Your team was worried about their Captain and also made their way to the hospital. You didn't realize just how important you had become to so many people but you would know soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will include some fluff and some new characters, the squad members :)


	14. Heroes of Humanity

The press quickly jumped on the story of the shooting outside the courthouse. The front page story this morning was about the heroic individual who sacrificed her life for her Commander. It was rare for the Survey Corps to get good press but of course, there were those putting a negative spin on the story. A follow up story was in development that had more details about what exactly happened. There were those claiming that the Scouts acted recklessly during the pursuit of the shooter.

When Levi got to the hospital he was immediately bombarded with questions from reporters holding notepads. He ignored them as he walked through the hospital looking for your room.

“Captain Levi, what happened during the pursuit of the shooter?” A reporter shouted.  
“Do you think there was more you could have done to prevent a second shooting?” Another reporter asked.  
“What is your relationship to the Soldier who was shot?” The third reporter yelled.  
“No comment.”

Levi had no interest in indulging them and it was better if Erwin handled it. He was a better speaker after all. Levi entered your hospital room and shut the door on the press. They continued to ask questions through the door. 

“Tch. Annoying…”  
“Yeah, they've been here all day. I’m kinda famous now.”  
“Hmph.”  
“Aren’t I cool?”  
“Cool? You wouldn't be cool if you were frozen.”  
“Tch. Jerk.”  
“Don’t talk to them,” Levi warned. “You’ll make a mess.”  
“Trust me, I know.” 

Levi sat down in a chair and crossed one leg over the other. He leaned back with his arms crossed. The chatter on the other side of the door died down and both of you figured the press gave up and left. You had a lot of questions yourself that needed answers. 

“So, what did you find out?” you asked Levi.  
“Nothing.”  
“Huh?”  
“The bastard killed himself. We didn't learn anything.”  
“What?”  
“He poisoned himself and refused to tell us a damn thing.”

You thought that sounded like something Nigel would do. What you felt in reaction to his death was strange. You weren't happy nor sad about it. You were indifferent which meant he truly didn't matter to you anymore. You thought he died a long time ago anyway. 

“I always knew he was a coward…” you said impassively.  
“Old friend?”  
“More like a psycho ex-boyfriend…”  
“Seriously?”  
“I was young and stupid, Levi. Give me a freaken break…” 

Levi could have made a quip about you being young and dumb but chose not to. Insults about the past or anything personal was off limits. It was an unspoken rule you two had developed. You could call him short a million times but you would never insult him about where he came from. Levi never made a joke or an insult about your battle with alcoholism. He respected you now more than ever and came all this way to demonstrate that. 

“So where’s Erwin?” you asked.  
“He’s coming, he has some things to take care of.”  
“Is he okay? I don’t know what it was exactly but… He seemed strange.”  
“He’s fine.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Quit worrying about him and worry about yourself.”  
“Quit acting like you don’t care about him.”

Levi huffed and turned his head to the side. That was his signature move when he was trying to suppress his emotions. It was ironic to you that the one who acted like they cared the least actually cared the most.

“Thanks for coming, Levi.”  
“Hmph.”  
“I mean it, you’ve been a good friend to me.”  
“Oh, so we’re friends now?”  
“We’ve been friends, jackass.”  
“Call it what you want, I don’t care.”  
“Best friends forever!”  
“Don’t push it.”  
You laughed satisfied with successfully annoying him. He didn't have your heart like Erwin but he had your trust. Sometimes you felt bad for not really reciprocating his feelings. Levi knew you belonged with Erwin, there was no question about it. When you saw each other a spark in your eyes lit up. It was special and he was a witness to it. He wondered if one day he would meet someone he had an instant connection with like that. You wanted that for him too. As if reading his mind you starting making casual conversation with him about his personal life. 

“So what’s new with you? Got a girlfriend?”  
“No.”  
“Boyfriend?”  
“No.”  
“What about Hange?”  
“I will smother you if you don’t stop talking.”  
“I’d like to you try, little man!” 

He scowled at you and you stuck your tongue out at him. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. 

“Don’t you vultures ever give up?” Levi barked at the door. “Get lost.”  
“It’s me, Captain Levi,” Alice said. “We’re here to see our Captain.” 

He told them to enter and Alice opened the door. The squad entered and lined up in front of the hospital bed. They saluted both you and Levi out of respect for your heroic actions. 

“We came as soon as we could, Captain,” Alice said. 

You nodded signaling for them to be at ease. Beside Alice were two young women that were identical to each other. Both of them had long blonde hair with bangs and blue eyes. Regina Rowe and Sarah Rowe were twins who joined the Scouts together. They promised each other they would join the same regiment no matter what. Originally, Sarah wanted to join the Military Police but did not out of loyalty to her twin sister. She later realized that was for the best after learning of the corruption within that regiment. 

You were able to tell them apart by their personalities and behaviors. Regina smoked but Sarah did not. Regina was more outspoken and Sarah often followed behind her sister. They always assisted each other in killing Titans. It was an unspoken language they had developed. Sarah had claimed to know what her sister was thinking before she even spoke. It must of been true with how synchronized they were. 

Next to Sarah was Blair who was even shorter than Levi. She had brown hair in a pixie cut with big brown eyes. She had delicate and dollish features but was not delicate when it came to getting the job done. Blair was a true assassin both in and out of battle. She took your orders and carried them out without question. She was a good soldier and an even better operative. 

Blair Benedict Nichols was a nobleman from birth who was disowned. Blair refused to take a wife and lived life as a woman. She was written out of the will and forced out of house Nichols. She was viewed as an embarrassment and a stain on the noble house. Her existence was erased from the house and her brother became the next heir.

After being cast out Blair joined the Scouts going by just her first name. She was inspired by notions of freedom. Blair thought being free was a worthy cause and joined. You were impressed with Blair for her cool headed nature and confidence. You had a lot of respect for Blair being true to who she was instead of forcing herself to live a lie. She knew a great deal about the corruption among the nobles and Military Police. Living as a noble for most of her life Blair knew the inns and outs of Wall Sina. She was incredibly useful to your squad and she was grateful to be a part of it. 

There was one other squad member, James Porter, who was not present. He was the beloved idiot of the group who was sometimes more trouble than he was worth. Porter was upfront with his intentions for joining the Scouts and your squad. He told you he joined to make a name for himself and become a hero of legend. You laughed at him and he told you women would throw themselves at him if he were to become the man he wanted to be. You found this to be a foolish dream but accepted him into your squad anyway. 

“Hey, we’re missing someone,” you said. “Where’s Porter?”  
“We must of lost him along the way,” Regina said.  
“He’s at it again?” you asked.  
“Probably.”  
“Of course,” you sighed. “Alright… Someone go get him.”  
“Yes Ma’am,” Blair said. 

Without a moment of hesitation, Blair went into the hallway to look for the missing squad member. Blair saw Porter flirting with a nurse as she went to serve a patient their meal. He was tall and lanky with light brown hair thrown into a ponytail. His eyes were hazel and he had just a hint of stubble on his chin.

“No it’s true,” Porter said. “I’ve killed eighty no, one hundred titans single handily! They’re just no match for me, heh. If you were my wife I’d totally keep you safe, you wouldn't have to worry about a thing.” 

Porter had the gift of gab and you realized he was more intelligent than he let on. He went on many errands for you. He and Blair were often paired together mostly because she kept him in check.

“Let’s go, Jimmy,” Blair said.  
“Wait, give me a second!”  
“No.” 

Blair dragged Porter away by the back of his collar as he carried on. She threw him into your hospital room and dusted her hands off as if to gloat. It was an easy victory for her and you were unamused with Porter’s behavior. 

“Did you come to see me or did you come to flirt with the nurses?” you asked with a scowl.  
“Can’t I do both?”  
“YOU GOD DAMN SKIRT CHASER! KNOCK IT OFF! I GOT SHOT AND YOU’RE STILL ACTING LIKE A FOOL!”

Levi covered his ears and looked at you while clenching his teeth. Your squad covered their ears as well and Porter smiled while you screamed at him.

“I’m glad to see you’re well, Captain,” He smiled. “It’s good you have the strength to yell at me.”  
“Hmph.” 

Levi sighed annoyed with your yelling and made his way to the door. He opened it and you called out to him. 

“Hey, where are you going?” you asked him.  
“I think I’ll spare my ears from bleeding…” 

Levi left the room even at the risk of running into those reporters again. You were left with your squad. It gave you the opportunity to go over some important matters with them. 

“Alright, listen up you assholes,” you said endearingly. "Obviously, I’ll be on leave for a little while but that doesn't mean we stop our operations. Until I make a full recovery Audrey will be leading this squad in and out of battle.”  
“Me?” she said surprised. “But I—“  
“You’re the Executive Officer of the Intelligence Mobility Squad,” you told Alice. “The duty falls to you.”  
“But Blair would be better…”  
“No,” Blair said curtly. “The Captain is correct, this is your responsibility.” 

You looked at Alice and spoke directly to her. Ever since you've known her she had been timid and reluctant to take the lead. She always followed your lead and thought you always knew what was best. Alice just needed someone to give her a push just as Erwin did for you. 

“It’s only temporary,” you told Alice. “And you won’t be totally on your own. I would like status reports often and I will tell you what needs to be done.”  
“…”  
“You’ve watched me long enough to know what the job entails. No one else knows my job as well as you do.”  
“…”  
“You don’t have to be me but you do need to keep things moving. I’m putting my trust in you because you are more than capable of handling it. You can do this.”  
“Y-Yes Ma’am!” Alice shouted. “I… I will make you proud!” 

The other squad members encouraged her to do her best. All of them were respectful and loyal to one another. All of them were loyal to you. At first, you didn't know how to get them to follow your lead. You didn't make any grand speeches like Erwin did, instead, you led by example. According to them, no one was stronger than their Captain. 

The door swung open again but it was not Levi or Erwin. Hange entered first and Moblit was right behind her. Moblit was carrying a gift basket of seemingly random items, it was more like a collection of items laying around Hange’s room. There were books, a compass, and a paddle ball toy. His Section Commander insisted that this would cheer you up but he wasn't so sure. The presentation had a lot to be desired but it was the thought that counts.

“How are you feeling?” Hange asked you.  
“Fine, what’s all that?”  
“Section Commander Hange thought you might like some gifts,” Moblit said. “I’m sorry everything is such a mess…”  
“No need to apologize,” You said smiling. “I love it.”  
“Hehe, I told you the gift basket was a good idea!” Hange exclaimed. 

Moblit sighed in exhaustion and the ‘gift basket’ was lifted from his hands. Alice took it and set it aside on the floor near your bed. 

“Thank you for coming,” Alice politely thanked Moblit.  
“Of course,” he said. “I was worried when I heard the news.”  
“But you’re always worried,” she softly joked.“I-I guess that’s true… I’m trying to work on that.”  
“Me too… I um, I’ll be in charge for a little while.”  
“That’s a lot of responsibility but I’m sure you’ll do great.” 

Alice smiled at Moblit’s encouraging words and he smiled back. You gave up on operation Alice and Moblit some time ago. You hoped things would naturally fall into place. You weren't the only one who noticed the chemistry between them. Porter leaned down enough to whisper to Blair.

“How much you wanna bet they’re getting married one day?” Porter whispered.  
“Probably, most of us women like intelligent men, unlike yourself.”

Porter was offended and retaliated by putting his fist on top of Blair’s head and pushed down. Blair swiftly hit him in his crown jewels causing him to bend over in pain.

“Now you’ll need a nurse,” Blair taunted.  
“Can’t you two stop or five minutes!?” you scolded them. 

Sometimes they reminded you of Levi and yourself but even more rambunctious. Now, you knew what Erwin must have felt like when you two bickered. A little bit later after your room was full of visitors Erwin arrived at the hospital. He was immediately hounded by reporters asking questions about the shooting. Unlike Levi, he stopped to set the record straight. 

“Commander Erwin Smith, what can you tell us about the assassination plot against you?” a reporter asked.  
“You are misinformed, there is no plot.”  
“What do you know about the shooter?”  
“Some of the details have yet to be released to the public,” Erwin said calmly. “You know what I know.”  
“But didn't Captain Levi pursue the shooter? We have many witnesses that saw the pursuit which resulted in another casualty.”  
“Yes, the shooter was detained but what we know of the individual is limited. We know that he was posing as Military Police but was not affiliated with them. We know that he acted alone. That is all I have for you, now excuse me.”

Erwin walked off leaving them with as little information as possible. They persisted with their questions as he walked away.”

“What about the Captain who almost died?” A reporter asked.

Erwin stopped walking but kept his back to them. He turned his head to the side trying to display no emotion. 

“Yes, what about them?” Erwin asked.  
“Do you feel in their debt, Commander Erwin?”

Erwin took a moment to ponder this question. Yesterday, he was conflicted about your relationship with him. He was troubled by the possibility of leading you to your death. He also wasn't sure if he had become the man his father wanted him to be. After talking to Levi his mind was clear. He decided to press on with his goal and his relationship regardless of the outcome. Erwin turned around and faced the reporters who were waiting for his response. 

“The Soldier who risked their life is a very brave individual and should be acknowledged, however, I want to stress that the good men and women of the Scout Regiment risk their lives constantly. Many of them do not get this lucky. Every time we step outside the walls we are risking life and limb for the sake of humanity. If you are looking for a heroic narrative then watch us, all of us. One day we will retake Wall Maria and take back what was lost.”

The reporters were captivated by his words that were spoken with great conviction. Erwin turned back around and walked away leaving them speechless. 

“You may quote me on that.” 

The reporters quickly rushed to write the quote down on their notepads. Soon after, Erwin found Levi sitting in the hallway drinking a cup of tea.

“I thought you came to see her,” Erwin said somewhat jokingly. “You didn't change your mind, did you?”  
“It got crowded,” Levi responded.  
“Naturally, she has a lot of friends."  
“Yeah.” 

Erwin left Levi and went in the direction of your room. Levi got up holding his cup of tea and followed Erwin. It was quite loud in the room and seemed more like a party than a mere hospital visit. Hange was going on and on about something you lost interest in a few minutes ago. Alice and Moblit were talking some more. Porter and Blair continued to bicker about nothing at all. Regina smoked her cigarette and Sarah scolded her for doing that in a hospital. 

“Please,” Erwin strongly spoke. “Try not to overwhelm her.”

Immediately everyone stopped what they were doing and your squad saluted him with the same respect they showed you. He gestured from them to be at ease and he approached you. 

“As you can see,” he said to you. “You will be missed.”  
“I guess so…” 

You looked around the room at all the friendly and sometimes not so friendly faces. Your heart swelled with joy finally realizing you mattered to a lot of people. You were not a lonely scared child anymore. You had friends, colleagues, apprentices, and a man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. 

“When did I get so lucky?” you thought to yourself. “All of you… Thank you for being in my life.”

The only one who was missing was Miche who was taking care of some things for Erwin. He stopped by later when the party was over. It was a short visit since he didn't talk very much but you appreciated him coming anyway.

You were bedridden for two weeks and the stitches were removed after the first week. During that time Alice took over as Captain of the squad and presented you with reports like you asked for. After that, you had to re-learn how to use the ODM gear with your injury. It wasn't very hard for you the second time but now your range of motion was limited. Stressing the muscle too much resulted in great pain and loss of the grip on your sword. You practiced every day trying to get used to the pain. As if fighting the Titans wasn't hard enough now you had to be extra careful. 

Erwin was busy during your recovery and the Scouts were going on another expedition. This would be the first time you weren't at his side during an expedition. It was also the first time Alice would be in charge of the squad. You hated waiting for the Scouts to return. Waiting made you incredibly restless and you worried about more than just Erwin. Everyone who came to visit you in the hospital was special to you in one way or another. Losing any of them would crush you. 

When they returned a sense of relief washed over you. Your whole squad was alive along with the others you cared for. 

“You did it,” you told Alice. “Everyone on our squad made it.”  
“I was just following Commander Erwin’s orders,” she said.  
“No, you deserve the victory,” you corrected her. “It is difficult to receive and give commands at the same time. Be proud of yourself.”  
“Yes, Ma’am.”  
“That’s all I needed from you, I’ll be taking over now.”  
“Are you fully recovered?”  
“Sure am,” you lied.

Alice was worried about you and she wasn't the only one. Everyone knew how proud you were, especially Erwin. It was easy to hide the pain of your injury from him most of the time but it would be hard to hide it during intimacy. That was not something you were going to give up. You treasured the intimate moments you two shared in between all the hardship. 

In fact, you missed him dearly during this whole recovery. You needed him desperately and so you casually waited for him in his quarters while reading a book. Eventually, he entered his room and was surprised to see you in bed this early in the evening. 

“You’re back,” you said.  
“I am.”  
“Any progress?”  
“An attempt was made to transfer materials to seal the wall. Most of the cargo was destroyed when we encountered an abnormal Titan.”  
“So no progress…”  
“We will continue to do what we can.” 

You nodded in agreement with his resolve and pulled the blanket off of yourself. You revealed yourself to be just in your underwear. It was an invitation to let go of the pain and disappointment of the day and come together as lovers. 

“Come here, Erwin.”  
“You were waiting for me?”  
“I was.” 

Erwin smiled softly and gave you a nod. He removed his jacket and bolo tie placing both items on a chair. He removed his boots and belts tossing them to the side. He then climbed on top of you in bed. Immediately Erwin started kissing you passionately as always. He stopped kissing your lips and moved to your neck. His right hand traveled south and slipped underneath your underwear. 

You swung your arm around his neck and felt a sharp pain course through your shoulder and arm. You went from a pleasurable moan to a sharp pained gasp. Erwin immediately stopped what he was doing and knew something was wrong. At first, he thought he might have hurt you but then realized it was your injury. 

“Tsk.”  
“You’re in pain.”  
“No, I’m fine…”  
“Do you want to stop?”  
“No, god no.” 

Erwin pulled away from you and sat at the edge of the bed. He was aware of the potential problem this could create. He wasn't so sure if you were capable of going back to the battlefield. He thought to put you on permeant leave but it was too soon to make that call. He had to give you a chance first. 

“I trust you would be honest with me if you were unable to use your arm in battle.”  
“This is a lot more strenuous than battle,” you joked.  
“I’m being serious.” 

You reached out to him and put a hand on the side of his face. That softened his serious demeanor just a little.

“Erwin, I’m fine. If it becomes a problem I’ll let you know, I promise.”  
“I would hope so.”  
“Can we please get back to the good stuff?”  
“We can if you turn over.”  
“Eh?”  
“Assume the position, Solider.” 

You smirked and obeyed him. You laid on your stomach and let your arms hang languidly beside your head. It was less pressure on your shoulder and back. It was a position that required no effort on your part. You allowed him to take full control of the situation. 

“Do you like this better?” he whispered.  
“I bet you do.”  
“I’m accommodating your needs but I am satisfied with the view.”  
“You’ve got a pretty great ass yourself, Sir.”  
“Watch it, Soldier,” he said beginning the role play. “I’ll have to report you for being so crass.”  
“Can’t you find another way to punish me, Sir?”  
“I have a few ideas.” 

Erwin went silent and fell out of his role looking at the new scar on your back. He was reminded of your sacrifice and all you've done for him. He swore you had invisible wings that only he could see. He saw them as you laid there on your stomach. Erwin leaned in and kissed the top of your shoulder lovingly. You were expecting a slap on the rear or something more forceful.

“I thought you said you had a few ideas?” you teased trying to goad him. “Don’t I need to be disciplined?”  
“Some other time, perhaps,” he said softly.  
“Huh?”  
“I rather cherish you right now.” 

Erwin peppered your back with soft kisses and caressed you gently. It was the most gentle he has ever been with you in bed. 

“Have I ever told you how lovely you are?”  
“Erwin…”  
“Just listen to my voice.”  
“Yes, Sir…” 

You laid there listening to Erwin whisper sweet nothings into your ear as he softly and sensually pleasured you. It was a nice change of pace a world of difference from your first sexual experience together. He could be rough and ferocious or sweet and kind. This was the duality of Erwin Smith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The squad members have been revealed! Hope you like them :) 
> 
> The next chapter will include the cadets and the battle for Trost. We're getting another new character and an important one. 
> 
> Thanks for all the support for this story! Love you guys! <3


	15. Little Brother Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, the battle for Trost was going to be from Reader's perspective but then I remembered the Scouts don't show up until everything is pretty much over. Instead, this chapter is from the perspective of a new character. This chapter is his character introduction and a glimpse at the other side of the story. He will be joining the squad in the next chapter :)

That same year the 104th Training Corps began and a lot of fascinating individuals signed up. One of the soldiers in training was Adam Bernewelt, your half brother. He was slim and had short neatly combed brown hair. You never wanted to meet him and he didn't even know you existed. Your mother never talked about you. She tried to forget about her past and you were a part of that. She was very overprotective of her son out of guilt for leaving her firstborn. She never wanted him to join the military. Adam was always in awe of the soldiers passing by to and from their expeditions. He saw you that day coming back from your first expedition and thought you were incredible. 

Adam lived a peaceful life in Trost and his childhood was the complete opposite of yours. He went to school and studied hard to get good grades. He was recognized as a very intelligent child. His father was a merchant who went to and from Wall Sina often. He was almost always away on business. Adam’s mother looked after him and looked after their store in Trost. He would help her keep things stocked and learned commerce at a young age. He became very close to his mother due to the absence of his father and wished he spent more time with them. 

As a child, he played with his friend and neighbor, Jean Kirschtein. Their mothers were friends and often had tea together. They chatted about their sons and how much trouble they could be sometimes. When Adam was nine years old before the Fall of Wall Maria he had a fight with his good friend. It was brought on by the same thing Jean fought with others about now. The boys were sitting outside Adam’s house musing about the future. 

“One day I’m going to join the Military Police!” Jean exclaimed enthusiastically.  
“That’s cool,” Adam responded. “I’m gonna be a Scout!”  
“What!? That’s so stupid!”  
“You’re stupid!” 

Jean got up and pointed at his friend while clenching his teeth. Adam didn't think that would make him so mad. 

“No, you are! You’re going to die, don’t you know that!?” 

Adam got upset and stood up equally heated by the conversation. He didn't like what Jean was saying to him.

“So what!? I wanna do it!” 

Jean was enraged by his best friend’s disregard for his life. He pushed Adam to the ground and balled his hands in a fist.

“You idiot! If you go kill yourself then we’re not friends anymore!”  
“Fine! Then we’re not friends!”  
“Fine!” 

Jean ran home angry at his friend for wanting to do something he felt was stupid. At the time, Adam could not understand why he was so upset. Adam’s mother heard the commotion and came out of the house. 

“What happened? Where did Jean go?” she asked him.  
“He’s mad because I wanna be a Scout… But I don’t care! I don’t care if I die!” 

Adam’s mother was horrified by her son’s declaration and slapped him. Adam looked up at her touching the side of his cheek. She began to tear up at just the thought of losing him. 

“Adam, don’t you ever say something like that!”  
“I’m sorry… Mother… Please don’t cry…” 

Adam saw how upset his mother got at the thought of him joining the Scout Regiment and dying. He felt awful for making her cry. To get her to let him join the Military he promised he would join the Military Police. His desire to join the Scouts never went away but his loyalty to his mother and his friend was stronger.

The two boys grew apart and after the fall of Wall Maria they hardly ever saw each other anymore. Adam finally understood why Jean was so adamant about living a comfortable life in the interior. When the time for the 104th Training Corps came he joined and he wasn’t surprised to see his old friend again. When Jean said he was going to do something he did it. He was determined to join the Military Police just like he said he would and live life comfortably.

“I really wasn't expecting to see you here, mama’s boy,” Jean cruelly teased.  
“Ha! Look who’s calling who a mama’s boy, Jeanie.”

Jean was angered by Adam for using that stupid nickname and hoped no one heard him. He made a fist and got in Adam’s face. 

“Do you want me to kick your ass right now!?”  
“You know I’m older than you, right?”  
“So what?”  
“So respect your elders,” Adam smiled.  
“You’re only one year older.”  
“One year can make all the difference when it comes to maturity.”  
“What? Are you saying I’m immature!?”  
“Now, I didn't say that, did I?”  
“Don’t be a smartass!” 

Adam nodded but kept the smug smirk on his face. Jean sighed and forced himself to settle down. 

“Why are you here? You’re not actually going to become a Scout, are you?”  
“No, I’m going to join the Military Police.”  
“So, you finally came to your senses and saw things my way, huh?”  
“Yeah,” he lied. “You were right all along.”  
“Of course I was,” he said smugly. “Have I ever been wrong?”  
“Nope, can’t remember a time when you were wrong.”  
“Heh, that’s right.”  
“Yup, you’re never wrong, completely perfect, and have absolutely no flaws.”  
“…Are you patronizing me?”  
“Hey, I’m surprised you know what that word means,” Adam smiled. “Good job.”  
“Shut up you little punk!” 

Adam laughed and smiled feeling happy to have reunited with his childhood friend. He was abrasive and egotistical but he was still his friend. 

“Just like old times,” Adam thought to himself. “He hasn't changed at all.”

During Adam’s time in the training corps, he stayed near Jean and Marco, often eating meals with them. Adam was witness to Jean’s confrontations with Eren on more than one occasion. He was aware Jean was capable of getting on the nerves of other people easily, however, he believed their hostility towards each other was brought on by a misunderstanding. Adam resolved to clear up the simple misunderstanding so there would be no bad blood between them. One day after he finished eating he approached Eren’s table. Mikasa and Armin were there eating with him. 

“Hey Eren,” Adam said. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”  
“Um, sure?” 

Eren got up to follow Adam along with Mikasa and Armin. Adam put his hands up and smiled awkwardly. 

“Uh, alone if that’s possible..?”  
“Okay..?” Eren said confused.  
“Be careful, Eren,” Mikasa said. 

Adam left the mess hall with Eren behind him. Jean raised an eyebrow suspicious of their strange rendezvous. Adam led Eren away from the mess hall into the trees. When he felt it was far enough he turned around to face him. Eren didn't know why Adam isolated him and brought him out here. The only logical explanation to him was that Adam wanted to fight. As if reading his mind Adam stated his purpose.

“I don’t want to fight, Eren. I just want to talk.”  
“About what?”  
“I think you misunderstand Jean,” he said sincerely. “He’s not a bad person, I’ve known him for most of my life actually.”  
“What’s your point?” Eren said getting annoyed.  
“My point is that you can’t be angry at someone for having a different opinion than you. I’ve made that mistake too but I learned better.”  
“The fact that you’re fighting his battles proves he's a coward!”  
“He didn't ask me to speak to you and he’ll probably be mad that I did. I’m talking to you because I respect you and I wanted to see if I could appeal to your better nature.”  
“Stay out of it,” Eren sternly said.  
“No, I don't think I will.”  
“I’m warning you.”  
“And I’m telling you I won’t.”

Eren grabbed ahold of his shirt trying to intimidate him. Adam didn't flinch because he expected this. He had been quietly observing Even for some time now. He understood he was quick tempered and sometimes just completely irrational. Still, he was determined to persuade him. 

“Eren, wanting to live a safe and happy life within the walls is not something to be angry at someone for. Isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day?”  
“No, It’s not.” 

Eren gripped his shirt tighter fully irritated by what Adam was saying. He had one goal in mind and it wasn't to live a safe happy life inside the walls. He wanted to kill every single Titan.

“Go ahead, Eren,” Adam said calmly.  
“…”  
“Hit me, if that will make you feel better.”  
“…”  
“But I told you that I didn't come here to fight so I won't hit back. You can beat me to a pulp and I still won't fight you.” 

Eren was surprised by Adam’s cool headed response to his threat of violence. He was not bluffing either, he meant it. He spoke with such great courage that Eren let go of his shirt.

“What do you want from me?” Eren asked.  
“I just wanted you to see a different perspective. That’s all.”  
“Is that why you want to join the Military Police too? For the same shitty reason?”  
“No, I made a promise.”  
“A promise?”  
“I made a promise to my mother,” Adam revealed to him. “She wouldn't let me join the Military unless I promised to join the Military Police. I rather be a Scout like you but a promise is a promise.” 

Eren’s eyes widened as he was reminded of his own mother. Adam’s promise hit him where it hurt. He was defeated and Adam didn’t even need to lay a finger on him. Eren turned away from Adam breathing heavier than before as he was overcome with emotion. 

“Eren?”  
“Just stay out of my way…”  
“…”  
“I don't want to hurt you.” 

Eren initially thought Adam was the same as Jean. He thought he was a selfish spoiled brat but he was wrong. Adam was courageous and worthy of his respect. Eren walked away finished with the conversation. Adam went back to the mess hall and halfway there he was found by Jean.

“What the hell are you doing with that suicidal manic?”  
“Oh hey, you found me,” he smiled. “You didn't hear anything, did you?”  
“What? Why are you acting so weird?”  
“I’m being weird?”  
“Weirder than usual.”  
“Okay you caught me, I was revealing my feelings to Eren, shhh…” He put a finger over his mouth. “Don’t tell Mikasa.”  
“DON’T BE A SMARTASS, YOU SMARTASS!” 

Jean fell for the distraction Adam created and played right into it. He yelled at him and punched his arm for saying something so stupid. Adam smiled and was satisfied with his reaction. His mind was no longer preoccupied with why he pulled Eren aside. He thought it was better that way. Jean was very proud and would have been even angrier knowing he went to Eren on his behalf. He could be quite crafty when he wanted to be. 

Unfortunately, Adam changed nothing by talking to Eren. He and Jean continued to strongly dislike each other throughout their training. Adam gave up on trying to make them see eye to eye. He had to focus on himself after all. He tried his best to make the top ten in order to join the Military Police. He wanted to stay with his friends and keep his promise to his mother. Sadly, his best wasn't good enough. He could not keep up with individuals who were naturally better than him. Jean and Marco both excelled while Adam struggled.

Soon the day of graduation came and he did not make the top ten of the class. He would have to choose between the Garrison Regiment and the Scout Regiment. Adam feared he had disappointed his mother by not keeping his promise. His greatest fear was disappointing her and it held him back. He now had to choose between what he wanted and what he knew would please her the most.

Eren gave a compelling speech the night of graduation about why he wanted to be a Scout even though he made the top ten. He became emotional and ran off with his friends behind him. Jean stayed smug about joining the Military Police and Adam was conflicted. Eren moved him with his speech and he tried to suppress his desire to do the same as him. He looked down while sitting at the table across from his friend.

“Congratulations,” Adam said to Jean sadly.  
“Oh, thanks.”  
“You did it… You always do what you say… Don’t you?”  
“Pretty much.”  
“I won’t be coming with you… But I’m glad we got to be friends again, at least for a little bit.” 

Jean slammed his drink down annoyed with his friend. He tried to act like that didn't matter to him.

“When you say sappy stuff like that you sound stupid. Cut it out!”  
“I wish you a safe and happy life, Jean.”  
“Why are you talking like you’re dying!? You’re not actually thinking of following that nut job’s lead, are you?”  
“I have two choices.”  
“So choose the safest one!”  
“But is the safest choice the right choice?”  
“Who cares!?”

Adam tried to convince himself that Jean was right and he should go with the safest option. Still, something about that just didn't feel right to him. He was troubled by this decision he had to make. 

Meanwhile, you couldn't believe how quickly the years went by, it was the year 850 now. Over time you to learned to fight with your injury. It made things more difficult but you needed to prove to Erwin that you were still capable of fighting. He was convinced that you were alright seeing you in action for himself. You were able to maintain your relationship with him while simultaneously leading your squad. You were together for four years which was almost the same amount of time you spent admiring him. It was amazing that you spent nearly eight years at his side. 

Over the years he became even more stoic than when you first met him. You thought he was overcompensating for the failures of the Survey Corps. You weren't receiving any flowers or love letters anymore. The honeymoon phase was over but you wished it wasn’t. You never brought it up because he had a lot on his mind. You didn't want to seem selfish asking for more from him. You did your best to support him in and out of battle. You still made love when it was possible and that was the time when you felt closest to him.

The Scout Regiment did make some progress recently in terms of understanding the Titans. During the 49th expedition, Levi and Hange recovered Ilse Langnar's journal. The notebook contained a soldier’s experience with speaking to a Titan. You were a bit skeptical at this point and questioned if what was written in that journal was reliable. You thought she could have been hallucinating. Hange nearly attacked you for bringing up a counter argument for Erwin to consider. Ultimately, Erwin decided to approve of Hange’s plan to capture Titans alive to study. 

Today, the Scout Regiment were on their way to clear a town overrun by Titans within Wall Maria. When Erwin realized something was wrong he ordered the scouts to turn back fearing that the wall has been breached. It was breached because the Colossal Titan from five years ago returned. Titans began to invade Trost as the Scout Regiment raced to get back in time. It would be a few hours until you and the rest of them arrived. Until then, the cadets had to do their best under the Garrison Regiment. 

The cadets were divided up into sections and many of them were panicked over the chaotic situation. Jean was angry and annoyed over the fact that tomorrow he would have been in the interior. Adam was too worried about his family to care about his friend pouting. Memories of his mother and father flashed before his eyes. He thought of the happy life he lived right here in this city. Their store was the one thing his family held dear. To him it was more than just a store, it was his childhood. 

Adam carried out his orders but his mind was elsewhere. All he could think about was the store and his mother. He wondered if she was evacuated safely or not. He knew that she probably wouldn't leave the store no matter what. There was a cellar underneath the store and thought she was probably hiding there. If she was, she may have trapped herself within the city. No matter how hard he tried he could not put it out of his mind. The civilians managed to evacuate in two hours as the soldiers and cadets gave their lives.

Eventually, the cadets started to run low on gas and blades for their swords. They were gathered together on a roof as the supplies headquarters was attacked. Things reached the point of hopelessness for the cadets. With no leadership at the moment, Adam made a personal decision. He got up and walked to the edge of the roof. Jean picked his head up and looked at him. 

“Where the hell are you going?”  
“To the store.”  
“Alone!? Are you crazy!?”  
“We’re just sitting around doing nothing!”  
“You’ll run out of gas!”  
“I’m going and don’t try to stop me!”  
“Fine! Go die for all I care!” 

Adam broke away from his friend and his fellow cadets with one goal in mind. He needed to get to his parent’s store.

“Adam, wait!” Connie yelled.  
“Let him go,” Jean barked. “He wants his mommy. Freaken mama's boy…” 

Jean put a hand over his face instantly regretting what he said to him. He didn't think Adam would take that literally. He hoped he would change his mind and come back. Growing up, he always thought that Adam was the smart one. He was certain that his old friend would die on this idiotic mission.

Adam knew these streets well having lived here for his whole life. He decided to use a combination of running and short bursts of gas. It would last longer that way. He wasn't going to do this without thinking, of course. Adam found a broken mirror shard on the street and took it with him. Every time he approached a corner he used the mirror piece to see what was up ahead. When the coast was clear he went ahead. He used his ears to listen for the footsteps of titans and tried to avoid them at all costs. 

This was going to take a lot of work but he was determined to get to the store no matter what. While running he heard the footsteps of a Titan approaching from behind. An attack from the rear would be death. Adam quickly grappled onto the roof of a building and propelled himself into the air. 

“This is it,” he thought to himself. “It’s do or die!”

Adam waited for the right moment and came down on the medium sized titan. He sliced its nape and landed as it fell to the ground. It was a moment of pure adrenaline and elation for him. 

“I did it…” He said aloud. “I actually did it!”

Adam smiled feeling as if he were a real Scout. There was no use in denying it, that is who he was in his heart. Adam was and always has been a courageous boy who didn't belong in the Military Police or the Garrison Regiment. He may not have made the top of his class but he had some skill. He was an underdog just like everyone else within your squad. 

The elation of being a real soldier was short lived. Adam pressed on with his personal quest and had very little gas left. He wasn't sure if he could propel himself in the air like that again. Adam decided to search for fallen comrades who may have had some gas left over. This was a bit of a detour but a necessary one. Once he changed the tanks he would be able to get to the store faster. Adam found a female soldier faced down who appeared to be dead. He was not unaffected by the sight but swallowed his sorrow. He took her canister and a hand grabbed his arm. He gasped being startled by the sudden movement. 

“Help me…” She said.  
“You’re… Alive!?” 

Adam was surprised that this soldier managed to survive but she was on the brink of death. He was torn between his mission and helping the soldier. Adam heard the scream of a titan and decided to help her. He didn't know what the hell that was but it sure scared him.

“Just hang in there…” 

Adam pulled the soldier by her legs dragging her into an abandoned house. He wasn't very strong but he did his best to pull her weight. The soldier was lifeless as he pulled her inside. While he was busy here he didn't realize a lot had happened in his absence. Unbeknownst to him, Eren was alive and also a titan. That was who he heard. The cadets reached the supply headquarters with Jean taking a leadership role. 

“Can you stay with me..?” The soldier asked him.  
“I can’t.”  
“Please.”  
“Sorry, someone I love is in danger.”  
“Your girlfriend?”  
“No, my mother.”  
“That’s sweet…” 

Adam looked at the bleeding soldier with sympathy. She appeared to have some head trauma. He wasn't a doctor but he knew enough from reading all the time. Adam put his goal on hold momentarily. He burst into the bathroom of the home to treat the soldier. He returned with a damp cloth. He cleaned the blood off of her head and went searching the house for a sewing kit. He put the soldier’s head on his legs and attempted to crudely sew the wound shut. His hand shook as he pierced the skin with the needle. There was far too much blood pouring from the wound. It gushed over his hands and the needle.

He stayed with the soldier until she drew her very last breath. She died in his arms and he felt as if he lost something. He had only known her for a very short amount of time yet it hurt. It was the first time he ever experienced loss like this. Adam gently laid the solider on the floor and covered her body with the table cloth.

“Did I just waste time?” He thought to himself. “What did I accomplish?”

Frustrated with his failure and losing valuable time Adam went back outside with the soldier’s canisters. The sun was setting now and at this point, the breach had been sealed without his knowledge. Commander Dot Pyxis of the Garrison Regiment had used Eren in his titan form to seal the breach. It was the very first victory humanity ever had against the titans. There was smoke signal shot in the sky but he didn't know what it was for. Adam saw the store and was excited he finally reached it. He wasn't paying attention to his surroundings whatsoever. He propelled himself towards the store and was snatched in midair by an abnormal Titan that was overlooked by the others. 

“No!” he thought. “I was so close! That’s not fair! Mother!”

The Titan dangled him by his leg and prepared to eat him. Adam braced for death as a figure swopped down on the Titan’s nape like a bird of prey. It was you. Your eyes were sharp as you eyed him. The Titan released Adam from its grasp and fell. You grabbed the kid by his jacket and shot the grapple hooks at a roof. You propelled yourself forward and threw him on the roof aggravating the gunshot wound from a few years ago. You ignored the pain and looked down at the boy as your squad landed on the rooftop. 

Adam looked up at his savior in awe. He recognized you as the soldier he saw many years ago. You were even cooler now than you were then. You were not pleased with the cadet’s reckless actions and approached him slowly. 

“Where were you going?” you sternly question him.  
“I just— I—“  
“Were you running away and leaving your fellow cadets to die?”  
“No! Of course not!”  
“Then where were you going?”  
“My parents have a store… I was going to protect it.” 

You crouched down so you were at eye level with the cadet. The look you gave him was frightening. You even gave Levi a run for his money when you were angry. 

“So you ran off on your own to protect some worthless store?” you asked deceptively calm. “That means more than the lives of others?”  
“You don’t understand! I needed to make sure my mother was alright! She’d never leave the store!”  
“She’s one person.”  
“She’s my mother.” 

You stood up straight and put a hand on your hip. You scowled at him as the wind blew your hair back with the pink sunset behind you. 

“You’re in big trouble, kid.”

Adam looked down feeling ashamed for his selfish behavior. He was selfish and selfless all at once. He knew he would face consequences for his actions and accepted that without any resistance. You thought the boy looked familiar but you couldn't put your finger on it. He wasn't exactly what you would call a coward, in fact, you might even say he had potential. He was driven by something, that much was true.


	16. Little Brother Part 2

You and your squad surrounded Adam on a roof near his parent’s store. At first, you thought he abandoned his comrades but in reality, he was trying to protect his mother. You were unaware you two shared the same mother. 

“State your name,” you said sternly.  
“Adam Bernewelt of the 104th Cadet Corps.”  
“We’ll be escorting you back to your fellow cadets and I will report you to your superior, Adam.”  
“That’s fine,” he said. “But, I’m not going anywhere until I check the store.”  
“Sorry, you don’t get to make deals with me.”  
“With all due respect, I came this far and I’m not going with you until I make sure my mother is okay.”  
“You know I could just detain you if I really wanted to, right?”  
“I’ll go with you as soon as I check the store. I’ll accept my punishment… Just let me check.” 

Adam was adamant about checking the store but didn't resist being detained. He was a boy with a heart of gold and your gaze fell onto his hands. 

“Why are your hands covered in blood?” you asked.  
“There was a soldier who was bleeding from their head. I tried to save them but… I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do…” 

He hung his head feeling the weight of his failure again. Adam’s greatest weakness was failure.

“Tell me something, Cadet. Which regiment were you going to join?”  
“I was supposed to join the Military Police… But I failed… I broke my promise. I just wasn't good enough.” 

You looked down at the boy who clenched his fists in frustration. He thought of Jean and Marco who he just couldn't catch up to.

“I was wrong to leave my friends… But they’re so much better than me… I thought, what could I even do to help them? I thought they didn't need me… So I went to protect someone who did need me.”

Adam’s honest words moved you and your squadmates. It would be cruel to deny his request after all that but first, you had to straighten him out. His potential would be wasted in the Military Police or Garrison Regiment. 

“Take a look around,” you said bluntly.  
“…”  
“Do you really think the world needs more glorified patrolmen?”  
“…”  
“We need fighters that are willing to defend those that can’t defend themselves. We need people with courage. ”  
“…”  
“You have courage.” 

He thought someone like you calling him courageous was the ultimate compliment. Your little brother looked at your eyes which burned with resolve. It inspired him and helped him make up his mind. People like him were needed now more than ever.

“I want to be a Scout!” Adam yelled. “It’s what I’ve always wanted!”  
“Well alright then… Let’s go.”  
“Where are we going?”  
“To the store.”  
“Wait… Really?”  
“Yeah.”  
“T-Thank you! Thank you so much!”  
“Regina, Sarah, Blair, I want you on the roofs,” you ordered. “If a Titan comes this way take it out.”  
“Yes ma’am!” the three exclaimed.

The three women immediately spread themselves out on the rooftops. They arranged themselves in a triangle with the store in the center. If a Titan came from any direction at least one of them would see it. 

“Audrey, Porter, you’re with me and Adam.”  
“Yes ma’am.” 

You, Alice, and Porter jumped off the roof all at once. Adam wasn't synchronized with you three and jumped off the roof soon after. His landing was less than graceful and he stumbled forward. He smiled awkwardly trying to hide the fact that he still wasn't an expert at the ODM gear. You sighed and told him to lead the way. Adam brought you three to the store and entered first. It was dark and no one was in the small store.

“Mother!” Adam called out. “Are you here!?” 

There was no answer and you saw he was getting nervous. He called out for her again and the cellar door opened. A middle aged woman you immediately recognized emerged from underground. It was your mother. You were frozen and horrified as your little brother ran to hug her. Suddenly, you became a little girl again.

“Are you okay?” he asked her.  
“I’m fine.”  
“You should have evacuated with everyone else.”  
“I couldn't leave our livelihood.” 

It was easy for you to hate her from afar. You could fantasize about the sort of monster she was. The woman in front of you who embraced her son lovingly was no monster. It was a hard punch in the gut and you felt sick to your stomach. You turned around not being able to stand the sight of them. Even faced away you could still hear what they were saying to each other. 

“Mother, I’m glad you’re safe… But I have something important to tell you.”  
“What is it?”  
“I know I made you a promise but… I didn't make the top of my class.”  
“What?”  
“I tried really hard, I did… But I didn't make it so I won’t be joining the Military Police.”  
“Then come home.”  
“Sorry, I don’t think I can do that… Because, I’ve decided that I’m going to join the Scouts.”  
“You can’t! Adam, you promised me!”  
“I have to! I’m sorry Mother but we need to fight for our future! We can’t allow our city to be devastated like this ever again! I won’t let it happen! This ends today!”  
“No, I can’t let you do this.”  
“It isn't your choice,” you abruptly interrupted. 

Your mother turned her head in your direction and you kept your back to her. Still faced away you had your arms crossed.

“Are you gonna baby him for the rest of his life?” you spat.  
“I beg your pardon?”  
“So, you’re a good caring overprotective mother, huh?” you mocked. “You must be trying to compensate for something…”  
“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about…”  
“Of course you don’t.” 

Your words were cryptic and no one in the room knew quite how to respond. Adam was a little confused and wasn't sure if you and his mother knew each other. You walked away not wanting to spend another second in the store.

“Let’s go,” you barked. “We’re wasting time.”

As you walked off Alice and Porter saw a tear fall from your eye and hit the wooden floorboard. They never saw their superior officer cry in front of them. You always tried to portray strength even in the darkest of times. 

“She’s crying,” Alice thought to herself. “Captain, please don’t cry.”  
“Captain,” Porter thought to himself. “Just what the hell did that woman do to you?”

Adam let go of his mother and went after you. He told you to wait but you kept moving. You wiped your eyes with your arm once you were outside to hide the fact that you were crying. Adam found you outside and you resumed your stoic persona. 

“Hold on,” Adam said. “If I join the Scouts… I want to be on your squad.”  
“And what makes you think I’d want a baby like you?” you said coldly.  
“I… I don’t know… I just thought… You could teach me a lot.”  
“I have nothing to teach you.”  
“I know I made a mistake but I’ll make up for it! I promise! Please just let me join you! You might even be able to convince my mother that I’d be safe with you.”  
“Safe?” you repeated angrily. “You think you’ll be safe? As a scout, you’re never safe no matter who your superior is. Don’t be stupid.”  
“If you could just talk to her and—”  
“Keep me out of it,” you said sternly. “If you really want this then shut up and do it! You don’t need her or anyone else’s approval!” 

You didn't realize it but that was just what Adam needed to hear. He was weighed down by the fear of disappointing others. What his mother and Jean thought meant a lot to him. Your bluntness woke him up and made him realize only he controlled his future. It was time to take control of his life. 

“Okay… I’m doing it… And I’m joining your squad.”  
“You spoiled brat, you’re not joining my squad.”  
“I am, I’ll prove that I’m good enough.” 

You did not want the responsibility of looking after your little brother. Not only was he a cruel reminder of the life you were denied but his blood could be on your hands. Alice and Porter exited the store as well. They knew something was wrong but they didn't pry. Instead, they waited for your orders. 

“Take the kid back to the cadets,” you told Alice.  
“Yes, Ma’am.”  
“Porter, escort that woman out of Trost,” you ordered. “There are still Titans around, she shouldn't be here.”  
“Right.”

After giving your orders you propelled yourself away and Adam watched you go. You inspired him and there was nothing you could do about it. You were his role model whether you liked it or not. 

You went to take care of some of the remaining Titans and found Levi along the way. He brought you up to speed on what happened. Apparently, humanity just had its first victory today thanks to a boy who could turn into a Titan. It was pretty unbelievable but it was true. You thought Erwin would be happy to hear that. All this time he was looking for something to turn the tide. 

You were sick of watching him lose over and over and be mocked by the civilians. Now, there was a small glimmer of hope for humanity. Eren just might be the answer you two were looking for but it was too early to celebrate. You went to see Erwin in his office around midnight. He held the key to Eren’s basement and stared at it intensely. 

“What’s that?” you asked him  
“This just might be the key to our future.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“It was taken from Eren Jaeger.”  
“Jaeger, huh?”  
“Does that name mean anything to you?”  
“It does actually.”  
“I’m listening.”  
“You remember the epidemic of Shiganshina?”  
“Yes, I do. Many people were saved by Dr. Jaeger.”  
“That’s right and I was one of them.” 

You came around the desk and sat on it so you were closer to him. You started your version of the story as he sat in his chair listening to you. The epidemic spread quickly but Doctor Grisha Jaeger was able to cure many people who were infected. He cured you but could not cure your father.

Some of the civilians bad mouthed your father for his reputation. Grisha overheard some people saying that the con artist and his daughter had fallen ill. When he asked where you two lived they tried to discourage him. They told Grisha your father didn't have the money to pay because he spent it all on booze. He responded by saying he wasn't interested in money and found where you lived on his own. 

Grisha entered the home and immediately saw the poor living conditions. There were empty bottles of alcohol and other garbage on the floor. Among the trash was you laying on the ground with a fever. Grisha picked you up and laid you on the old couch. He treated you first since you were just a child. He estimated you were no older than twelve. While treating you he noticed the bruises on your arms. He knew right away that you were being abused. 

After treating you he went into your father’s room to treat him. He gave him the medicine but he died soon after that. Grisha stayed with you until your fever broke and you woke up. He introduced himself and informed you of the death of your father. 

“So he’s dead, huh?”  
“Yes, I’m sorry… With his pre-existing health conditions, he wasn’t strong enough to fight the disease.”  
“Good!” you yelled. “It took him long enough!”  
“You hated your father?”  
“Yeah…”  
“Hate is a strong emotion… Especially to feel towards a parent.”  
“So!? I hope he burns in hell!”

Unbeknownst to you, Grisha knew hate well and for a time knew what it felt like to hate his parents, particularly his father. You had your own reasons to hate your father. You learned that powerful emotion early on just as he did. Grisha sympathized with you and wondered if that was the only family you had. 

“Do you have someone to look after you?” he asked you.  
“…”  
“Is there anyone who can care for you?”  
“…”  
“Are you alone?”

You shook your head no and put on your best poker face. You wanted to convince the doctor that you were alright. 

“My mom is coming home real soon,” you lied. “She’s just on a trip.”  
“A trip? During an epidemic?”  
“Yeah, she went to see my grandmother because she’s old. She’ll be back soon, don't worry…”

Your father taught you how to lie well and so it came very naturally to you. Grisha saw through your lie and crouched down. 

“If you’re ever in trouble I want you to come find me.”  
“I can take care of myself, okay!”  
“I’m sure you can but my door is always open.” 

Grisha put a hand on the top of your head affectionally. It was the only time you received anything close to fatherly love. You instinctively pushed his arm away and scowled at him. Later on, that moment would become very important to you. A complete stranger extended his hand to you. You finished telling Erwin the story from your perspective and he silently pondered on what you told him. 

“He was a good man,” you told Erwin. “One of the few good ones I met.”  
“He sounds like a compassionate individual.”  
“I find it hard to believe he just vanished,” you said. “So I have a theory.”  
“What is your theory?”  
“I think he might have been executed like your father was. He obviously knew something important.”  
“It is a possibility.”  
“I want to know what happened to him,” you said. “If he’s dead I want to know why and how. It might give us some insight.”  
“You may try talking to Eren after Levi and I handle the situation first.”  
“And what situation is that?”  
“I’m certain the Military Police will have him executed.”  
“Those idiots might throw away the only chance we have at reclaiming humanity!?”  
“Yes, my thoughts exactly.”  
“We can’t let them do that.”  
“And we won’t.”

Erwin got up from his desk and tucked the key safely away in his jacket. He walked towards the door without even touching you. 

“Levi, Hange, and I have a lot to discuss,” he said. “I’d like you to join us.”  
“I was kinda hoping to go to sleep at some point…”  
“You can nap for thirty minutes, then I’d like you to join us.”  
“The best naps are when I’m laying on you…”  
“I’m sorry, I don’t have the luxury to laze around with you in bed right now.”  
“Yeah, I know that…”

You narrowed your eyes annoyed with him for saying something so apparent. Obviously, you knew there were more important things to do right now than cuddle or make love. His usual bluntness twisted the knife in the existing wound. You wondered if it was selfish of you to want him to yourself amidst the chaos. There was also a lot you wanted to tell him about your mother and brother. 

“I’ll be there in thirty minutes…” you said sadly.  
“I’ll see you then.”  
“Hey, Erwin…”  
“Yes?”  
“Before you go… I um… I need some advice.”  
“That is unusual coming from you.”  
“I know but there’s this kid…He wants to join the scouts and he’s kind of an idiot…”  
“Many of the cadets are inexperienced and inept. That is not uncommon.”  
“He’s also my brother…”  
“I see…” 

Erwin knew exactly what you would ask him next. He tried not to tell you what to do when it came to personal matters. Your past has always been looming over you but you refused to confront it. You were never quite ready to face it head on. 

“Should I take him on or not?” you asked.  
“That I can not answer for you.”  
“Well, what would you do?”  
“I can’t tell you what I would do because I am not you.”  
“Come on, Erwin. Give me something…”  
“I’m afraid this is something you’re going to have to figure out on your own.”

Erwin exited the room leaving you to figure out your problems. You didn't even get the chance to tell him that you met your mother today. He had too much to do and he tried not to coddle you anymore. You were a thirty year old woman now. Still, you would have liked some sort of warmth from him. He became cold out of necessity but it wasn't easy for you to accept. 

“Why the hell did I have to fall in love with a military man?” you thought to yourself. “I miss you, Erwin.”

Two days later the cadets had to collect the corpses to prevent another epidemic from occurring. You decided not to report or punish Adam because collecting the corpses of his fallen comrades was punishment enough. Jean learned that his friend Marco was dead and it greatly affected him. He expected to find Adam’s body lying around somewhere or perhaps he was just swallowed whole. He still regretted telling him to go die and didn't even attempt to stop him. He thought maybe if he did more his childhood friend would be here right now.

Later that day Jean was headed back to the barracks. It was a whole day of collecting dead bodies and then having to withstand the smell of burning flesh. Jean heard someone call out to him and froze thinking he was just hearing things.

“Hey Jean, I finally found you.”

Jean recognized that voice and silently gasped. After a few seconds, he became incredibly angry. He clenched his teeth and his fists. 

“I heard you took charge for a bit, that’s amazi—“ 

Jean turned around and punched Adam right in the face. The boy fell back and hit the ground hard. He brought his hand to his nose and saw blood on his fingertips. Jean wasn't done and got on top of him punching him again and again.

“YOU BASTARD!” Jean yelled. “I’M GONNA KILL YOU!”

Adam saw the anger and frustration in his eyes. A tear escaped Jean and landed on his face. Jean attempted to punch Adam again and he caught his fist this time. 

“I know,” Adam said. “I deserve it.”  
“Tch.” 

Jean ripped his hand away from Adam and got off of him. He kicked a nearby barrel getting the rest of his frustration out. Adam wiped the blood from his under his nose with his arm and got up.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Adam said sincerely. “And everyone else too…”  
“Not everyone,” Jean said coldly.  
“Huh?”  
“Marco… He’s…”  
“He’s dead?”

Jean wouldn't look at him and tried very hard to fight back the tears. Although it wasn't his fault Adam felt responsible somehow. He thought maybe if he was with them he could have done something. 

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I wasn't there…”  
“I wasn't there either… It just doesn't make sense… Marco…”

Adam knew his friend well enough to know there was nothing he could do or say to console him. Any effort to comfort him would only make him angrier. Instead, Adam decided it was time to tell Jean of his decision. 

“Since you’re already mad at me… I’ll tell you that I’ve decided that I’m going to be a Scout.”  
“…”  
“You can punch me some more if you want but it’s something I need to do.” 

Jean clenched his fists again but didn't strike him. He remained faced away from Adam and stared at his fists which were bloodied. 

“You… You’re just like that maniac, aren’t you!?” Jean yelled.  
“I’m not Eren, I won’t shame you or call you a coward because you want to live in the interior! I have never discouraged you from doing what you want to do! I want you to do what makes you happy! It doesn't matter to me if you’re with the Military Police or not.”

Jean turned around and was startled by Adam’s earnest words. It was true, for as long as they’ve known each other Adam always supported his dream even if he didn't necessarily agree with it. 

“So let me do what I want without guilting me or calling me an idiot,” Adam said. “I’ve made up my mind.” 

Adam’s eyes burned with the same resolve yours did. Jean did not have a say in the matter. He had to accept his friend’s decision even if it meant his death. He thought he could never have the same level of courage as him. 

“I don’t care what you do… I don’t care if you get yourself killed!”  
“If that was true you wouldn’t have beaten me up.” 

Adam walked over to his friend and put his hand on his shoulder. He was one of the few people that could see right through him.

“Thanks, Jean.” 

Adam walked away knowing his friend cared about him deeply. It was the main source of his anger. Jean was left conflicted by both Marco’s death and Adam’s decision. He was determined to join the Military Police but now he was left confused and dismayed. 

Eren finally awoke from his coma on the third day after the battle for Trost. He was kept in a jail cell underneath the military court. He was confronted by Erwin and Levi who were granted permission to see him. You didn't come with them since they had it all under control. Erwin held the key and asked him if the answers to the Titans were in the basement. The wheels in Erwin’s head were already turning before he even spoke to Eren. He planned to use Eren to seal Wall Maria and get to the basement. 

The problem was that Erwin was correct about the Military Police wanting to kill Eren. You attended the Military Tribunal that decided the fate of Eren. Arguments were made on both sides. They were afraid of him and wanted to destroy something they didn't even understand. You couldn't stand the Military Police for multiple reasons and you weren't a fan of their Commander, Nile Dawk. You learned from Erwin that they were good friends in their youth. That fact made you despise him even more. 

At one point Eren started to get angry and Levi kicked the wind out of him. You knew right away that this was their grand plan. It had Erwin written all over it. You looked over and saw how angry Mikasa was. The burning look in her eye was reminiscent of yours. You couldn't blame her, you would have reacted the same way. You thought Mikasa would be a wonderful addition to your squad. There was something about her that separated her from the others. Your intuition told you she knew what loss was. 

Soon after Levi’s award winning performance custody of Eren was given to the Survey Corps. Erwin convinced them by saying he could be controlled under Levi. He also promised to hand Eren over to the Military Police if he failed his first mission. After that Erwin, Levi, and a few other officers met with Eren privately. You decided to join the party and not so formally introduce yourself. You entered the room and approached Erwin, Eren, and Levi. 

“He’s a real jerk, right Eren?”  
“Umm…”  
“I’m kidding, relax.” 

Eren seemed intimidated by Levi which made sense considering what just happened. You sat down next to Levi taking more room than necessary. He gave you a dirty look while being squished to the side. 

“That girl was ready to bite your head right off, Levi.”  
“Hmph.”  
“You mean Mikasa?” Eren asked.  
“Yeah, her… Say, what are the chances she’ll join my squad?”  
“Well her and Armin—”  
“I don’t want Armin,” you said. “Just her.”  
“Then she won’t join.”  
“Damn.”  
“You can do your recruiting later,” Erwin said to you. “Didn’t you have something more important to ask Eren?”  
“Oh yeah… Hey Eren, if you don’t mind I’d like to have a conversation with you once you get settled. Maybe I can jog your memory.”  
“Jog my memory?”  
“You father was an interesting guy, I wanna know more about him. Who knows, we might learn something important that’s buried in your memories.” 

Eren wasn’t sure if talking to you would help him remember more about his last encounter with his father. He only saw short visions of him every now and then. Eren agreed to your proposal and would meet with you at a later time. Not long after that Hange’s research subjects Sawney and Beane were killed. Hange had a fit and had to be consoled by Moblit. Erwin became suspicious and believed there was an operative in the Scout Regiment. That was usually the sort of thing you handle and so you weren't surprised when he called upon you. 

“I believe we have a spy among us,” Erwin informed you.  
“And you want me to sniff them out, right?”  
“No, I have plans for that.”  
“Huh?”  
“Nevertheless, keep your eyes open. If you notice anything suspicious report to me immediately.”  
“Alright.”  
“You’re dismissed.” 

He dismissed you as he did years ago before you started dating. It was quick and cold which made you furrow your brow. 

“Really? That’s it?”  
“I’m not unaware of your issue with me,” Erwin said calmly. “But I’m going to need you to put it to the side and focus on your tasks. You have permission to investigate the disappearance of Grisha Jaeger. That is what requires your attention right now.”  
“Tch. Fine.” 

You were more than a little irritated with Erwin. You knew sometimes he could have a one track mind but he was full speed ahead with his plans to reclaim humanity. Lately, he was lacking as a boyfriend but as a Commander he was incredible. You knew he would choose the military over you if it came to that. You hoped that you two wouldn't get to that point. You swallowed your feelings and focused on your duty as the Captain of the Intelligence Mobility Squad. 

Soon after that Erwin gave a compelling speech to the cadets hoping to recruit some of them to the Scout Regiment. He didn't mince his words and revealed his plans for Eren to them. He was brilliant as always. Whenever he spoke you had to stand back and admire him. Some of the officers feared he might have scared the cadets off. You watched the whole thing and thought it was perfect. 

Adam chose to become a scout just like he said he would. He was surprised when he looked over and saw Jean still standing there. 

“He wants to be a scout too?” He thought to himself. “Why did he change his mind?”

He was somewhat troubled by his friend’s change of heart. In the interior, he would be safe but as a scout, his life would be in jeopardy. Adam wondered if what he told Jean had any impact on his decision. In truth, it was Marco’s death that truly changed his mind. A little bit after Erwin’s recruitment speech you found your little brother among the other new recruits. The first thing you noticed was his black eye and swollen lip.

“Someone kicked your ass?” you asked Adam.  
“Yeah… It’s fine, I earned it.”  
“So are you still hellbent on joining my squad?”  
“Yes, Ma’am.”  
“This is an elite squad made up of elite soldiers. Are you an elite soldier?”  
“I’m not but I’ll do my very best!”

You liked his honest response to your question. Adam knew he was not a super soldier and did not pretend to be one. You had a feeling he was more skilled than he thought and simply lacked the confidence. Being babied his whole life made it difficult for him to be independent. You two lived very different lives and somehow ended up in the same place. With a deep sigh you decided to accept him into your squad. Now, you would have to show your little brother what it meant to be a soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all coming together now :) 
> 
> I'm excited but we are entering the angst with Erwin now and it will get worse before it gets better.
> 
> The next chapter will be pretty light with Adam getting to know Reader and the squad members. A little after that, we'll be getting some pain.


	17. Fun and Games

Your little brother was persistent and won you over because of that. You reluctantly accepted him into your squad. The next day your squad introduced themselves to him and you proceeded to tell him everything he needed to know. The squad was seated at a table as you stood in front of them.

“This is the Intelligence Mobility Squad which specializes in obtaining and delivering important information and documents. We work closely with the Research Team, Special Operations Squad, and Commander Erwin himself.”   
“We work directly with Commander Erwin?”   
“Yes.”   
“Woah.” 

For some reason, Adam had a notebook and scribbled down notes every time you spoke. He did seem like the type of student to write down every little thing the teacher said. 

“What I’m about to tell you is not known by the public,” you said sternly. “You absolutely are not permitted to share this information with your peers.” 

Regina grabbed Adam’s notebook and tore out the pages he wrote his notes on. She lit a match and burned the notes Adam wrote. 

“My notes!”   
“No notes,” you said. “You’ll have to memorize this.”  
“Aww…”   
“This squad was created specifically to combat the Military Police.”   
“Huh..?”   
“The Military Police is a corrupt regiment who abuses their power. We have reason to believe there is a group within the regiment that specializes in making people disappear.”   
“But… That doesn't make any sense…”   
“It’s the truth.” 

Adam was overwhelmed by what you were telling him. It reminded you of your reaction when Erwin told you the same thing. It didn't make sense to him why the regiments would be against one another. He remembered his friend who’s dream was to be a proud Military Police officer. 

“Jean,” Adam thought. “Did you know about this? Is that why you changed your mind? What made you change your mind?”

Adam was deep in thought about what was revealed to him. You cleared your throat to regain his attention. 

“Any questions?” you asked.   
“Um… Yeah, a few…”   
“I’ll only take one.”   
“Just one!?”   
“Yes, so make it a good one. Don’t waste it by asking about the Military Police.”  
“Okay… So um… I get the intelligence part… But what’s the mobility part about?”   
“That is a good question,” you commented. “We are the only squad permitted to break formation at any time to deliver important information to the Commander or other persons. We also have the right to return early from an expedition to deliver important news. In general, we have to be ready without a moment’s notice to receive and send information.”   
“So… We’re messengers?” Adam asked.

You started to laugh and Adam was puzzled by your reaction. He wasn't trying to be sarcastic, his question was genuine. 

“…Did I say something funny?”  
“You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into,” you said. “That’s what’s funny.”   
“I mean, it sounds simple enough…”   
“Oh, you think so?”   
“Um…”  
“Then we’ll begin your training.”   
“But I’ve already been trained.”   
“Not by me you haven’t. You’ll train for two weeks and then we will go to castle Levi.”  
“…”  
“During our time there I will be interviewing Eren Jaeger about the mysterious disappearance of his father, Grisha Jaeger.”  
“…”  
“For the next three days, you won’t have any food or water. You will have dinner tonight and start tomorrow.”   
“What!?”   
“It’s an endurance test,” Blair informed him. “It will test your mental fortitude as well as the physical limits of your body.”   
“You can always leave,” you told Adam. “You know where the door is.”   
“No, I’ll do it…” 

Adam had dinner with the rest of the squad but the next day he was given nothing. As the day went on he started to feel the hunger and dehydration weigh on him. On the second day he didn't have the energy to do a single thing. Adam laid on his bed with hunger pains. This was a test you gave all of your squad members except for Alice. All of them lasted the full three days, even Blair. After being disowned she had nothing. She understood what it meant to have everything stripped away from you. You visited Adam in his room and were unimpressed. He had one more day to go and was already at his limit. 

“Captain, I’m so hungry…”   
“What are you gonna do if you’re taken prisoner or you have to survive on your own for a bit?”  
“…”  
“It’s only been two days and you’re already begging for food and water.”   
“…”   
“Food is pretty scarce nowadays. After the fall of Wall Maria, some of the refugees went days without food and don’t even get me started on those in the underground.”   
“…”  
“You have no idea how fortunate you were.” 

Adam was reminded of Eren, Mikasa, and Armin who were forced to flee their home after the fall of Wall Maria. He empathized with them and all the other refugees who were left homeless and penniless within Wall Rose. Remembering that gave him the strength to keep going. 

“I’ll get you some bread and water,” you said.   
“No… Never mind.”   
“Hmm?”  
“If they can do it… So can I.” 

To your surprise, Adam changed his mind and continued with the test. He made it the full three days and was rewarded with food and water. Adam thought bread never tasted so good before. You started to think you might have underestimated him. The next test you gave him would be harder. A few days after completing the first test you handed Adam a letter with an official wax seal on it. 

“Here,” you said. “Take this to Commander Erwin. It’s very important so don’t let it out of your sight.”   
“Right.”

Adam took the important letter and got on his horse. He went to deliver the message to Commander Erwin who was away on business. As he was riding he noticed he was being followed by a cloaked individual. When he looked over his shoulder one person became five. All five of them fanned out to surround him.

“Oh crap!” He thought to himself. “Who are these guys!? And what do they want with me!?”

One of the pursuers pulled a gun from underneath their cloak. They shot the gun but nowhere near him. Adam heard the gunshot and internally panicked. 

“They have guns!?” he thought to himself. “Okay, calm down… I’ll lead them into the forest and lose them there!” 

Adam proceeded to enter the forest which was a smart move but he didn't use the trees to his advantage. One person caught up to him and grabbed the back of his jacket. Adam was startled and didn't fight back. He was pulled the horse and thrown to the ground. He rolled over and the five mysterious individuals surrounded him. They all pointed guns at him. 

“Please don’t hurt me!” He begged. “I didn't do anything!”  
“The letter,” one of them said. “Give it to me.”  
“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about…” 

One of the individuals kicked Adam in the gut. Adam doubled over in pain the letter was taken from him. At that point, all of the cloaks fell back revealing the pursuers to be you and the squad members, except for Alice. Adam looked up at all of you in confusion. You opened the letter and held up a piece of paper with a smiley face drawn on it. 

“You failed,” you said. “The enemy got the information and you were captured.”   
“…”  
“Next you would probably be tortured and killed.”  
“…”   
“Do you still think we’re just messengers?”   
“…”  
“It isn't too late to change your mind. I can transfer you to another squad.”   
“No, I want to do this.” 

Adam didn't realize just how much was involved to become an elite soldier but he wanted to see this through for himself. He didn't want to give up. He also respected you too much to quit on you now. Ironically, you were hoping he would change his mind soon. You accepted him into the squad but you feared it would be too much for him. Since he was your younger brother you felt responsible for him. You didn't owe your mother anything but you instinctively felt the need to protect him. It became very clear to you that he made a mistake choosing your squad. 

Next, Adam had to learn resistance to interrogation which could only be learned through torture. You thought he would be running for the door when you informed him of the exercise. Instead, he accepted it and started the exercise. For one hour out of the day, Porter would subject him to pain and ask fake questions. 

Today, Porter held Adam’s head underwater in a tub for several seconds. He pulled his head out of the water and asked him a question. Adam was instructed to remain silent no matter what. He coughed and panted from the mock torture. You stood on the side to make sure he wouldn't be killed by accident. You eyed Adam with your arms crossed. 

“You still want to do this?” you asked him.  
“Yes!”   
“God, you’re so stubborn! And you talked!” 

Porter dunked his head back into the water restarting the exercise. You were frustrated by Adam’s unbreakable spirit. Alice realized the connection you had to Adam was personal. She pulled you aside while Adam was recovering from his training. 

“Captain,” Alice said. “I think you’re being a little too hard on him.”   
“If he wants to survive he needs to know the world isn’t going to go easy on him.”   
“I understand that but—”  
“I’m not going to be his mommy,” you said sharply. “He can go home if that’s what he expects.”  
“You want him to quit, don’t you Captain?”

You looked away from Alice feeling a little guilty. You encouraged him to do what he wanted but you didn't want to take responsibility for him. The world was cruel, you knew that first hand, but he didn’t. 

“He’s not cut out for this.”   
“That’s not it,” Alice said. “You know he can do this but you want him to quit for a different reason.”   
“I—“  
“You should accept that he won’t give up.”  
“…”   
“He has your heart.” 

You didn't realize you two shared similarities until Alice brought it to your attention. He was as stubborn as you were. You figured that valor must have skipped a generation. Two weeks passed and Adam was able to withstand all of your tests. He was impressive and you were almost proud of him. 

“Alright, you’ve survived so you’re officially a part of this team.”   
“Really?”   
“Sure are.” 

You put your hand out to him and waited for him to take it. When he took your hand you gave him a firm handshake. 

“Congratulations, kid.”  
“T-Thanks!”   
“Are you ready for the real action now?”   
“Yes Ma’am!”

Everything you taught him were things you had to learn on your own. The real test would be how well he performed during the upcoming expedition. After Adam completed your two-week boot camp your squad made their way to the castle Eren was being kept in. Levi and Hange were experimenting with Eren to understand how his Titan powers worked. You informed your squad to be careful since you didn't understand how Eren’s ability worked. 

It rained on the way to the castle making the dirt soft. You and your squad left your horses in the stables and proceeded to enter the castle. You were greeted by an empty room and complete silence. You were annoyed since you told Levi you would be coming ahead of time. 

“HEY LORD LEVI,” you yelled loudly. “IT’S RUDE TO NOT GREET YOUR GUESTS!!!”

The first impression Adam had of you was that you were a strict no-nonsense Captain. When arriving at the castle he was surprised to see a different side of you. Eventually, Levi entered the room with an annoyed expression. 

“Do you have to be so loud?” he groaned.   
“Aren't you happy to see me?”   
“No, look at the floor.”   
“Huh?”   
“Look.” 

You and your squad looked down and saw your muddy footprints on the floorboards. No one realized they tracked mud in.

“Oh… Sorry about that.”  
“We just cleaned the floor.”  
“Can’t you just clean it again?” 

Adam practically saw steam rise from Levi’s head as he stared you down. You smiled innocently feeling satisfied with getting a rise out of him. 

“Captain!” he thought. “Don’t you know who you’re messing with!? That’s Captain Levi! He’ll kill you!”

You approached Levi and put a hand on his shoulder. He cooled off but still gave you a death stare. 

“Now before you get all mad, we come bearing gifts.”   
“Gifts?”

You reached into your jacket and handed him a pouch. He raised his eyebrow suspiciously and opened the pouch. Inside were teabags, the very same tea he gave you years ago. It was a very thoughtful gift from you and he appreciated it.

“Consider it a house warming present,” you said.   
“I’ll use it.”  
“Hmm… That’s not quite a thank you, is it?”   
“I’ll say thank you when you stop spreading mud everywhere.”  
“Fine, we’ll clean it! Would that make you happy!?”   
“She’s not afraid of him,” Adam thought to himself. “Not even a little…”

To him, you were two terrifying super soldiers with inhuman strength. He would have never thought you two could be so… normal. You and your squad cleaned the floor out of respect and also cleaned your shoes. Soon after your squad met up with Levi, his squad, and Eren. 

“Hey Eren,” you said. “I’ll be meeting with you tomorrow to see what you remember.”   
“Okay.”   
“Hey Eren,” Adam said. “I haven't seen you in a while.”   
“Adam? Why are you here?”  
“I’m an official member of the Intelligence Mobility Squad.” 

He felt proud to say that and smiled. Two weeks ago he thought he was well behind his peers. Now, he was brimming with confidence and Eren noticed the change in him too. 

“I bet you wish you were on my squad instead, right Eren?” you joked.   
“Umm…”   
“I’m a way better Captain than mean ol’ Captain Levi.”   
“Yeah, in your dreams,” Levi scoffed.   
“Everyone knows Captain Levi is unrivaled,” Oruo said butting in. “No one comes close to his strength.”  
“Oh yeah!?” Porter yelled. “Our Captain could kick your Captain’s ass with her eyes closed!”   
“Is that a challenge!?” Oruo yelled at Porter.   
“Your goddamn right it is, old man!”   
“Old!?” Oruo yelled offended. “Who are you calling old!?”  
“Porter,” you barked. “That’s enough.”  
“Settle down,” Levi said to Oruo

Porter stared down Oruo with intensity. The squadmates on both sides believed their Captain was superior to the other. You and Levi were grateful to have such loyal and devoted squad members. You glanced at each other thinking you better put an end to this soon before a fight broke out. 

“There’s only one way to find out who the best is,” you said with a smirk. “You wanna take me on, Levi?”  
“Fine.” 

You threw your jacket to the side and put your hair up in a ponytail. Levi got up and took his jacket off neatly putting it behind his chair. The squadmates were in disbelief and thought this was really happening. 

“Are they… Really going to fight?” Adam thought. “Right here in front of us!?”

Both you and Levi sat down and put your arms on the table. Eren and Adam were a little confused about what was happening. 

“Ready?”   
“Yeah.” 

You and Levi clasped your hands together and started the arm wrestling competition. Levi normally wasn't interested in competitions or proving his strength. He had nothing he needed to prove, however, competing with you was almost fun. The spectators were also enjoying themselves as they screamed for their Captain to win. That was the point of it, for a moment everyone was having fun, even Adam started to get into it. 

“Go, Captain!” Adam yelled. “You can do it!” 

You smiled but soon felt pain in your arm from your old injury. Levi was winning and was pushing your hand closer to the surface of the table. You wanted to make your squad proud and came up with a way to save yourself. 

“Hey Levi,” you said.   
“What?”   
“I licked my hand before we started.”   
“You’re bluffing.”   
“Do you really wanna take that chance?” 

Levi was annoyed and wasn't sure if you were lying or not. He let you win to end this quickly. You slammed his hand on the table and threw your hands up into the air triumphantly. 

“Hehe! I won! You see, I’m the best Captain ever!”   
“Tch. You play dirty,” he said wiping his hand.   
“Heh, yeah you should know that by now.”   
“It’s okay, Captain Levi,” Petra said. “You’ll win next time.” 

Levi’s squad gave him words of encouragement and Eren looked at you surprised. He was shocked that you actually beat Levi. Your squad praised you for your strength and your victory. You had no doubt that in a real fight without any tricks Levi would win. He would always win. That bothered you years ago but now it didn't matter. Soon dinner was served and your squad broke bread with Levi’s squad. Levi’s squad was on one side of the long table and yours was on the other. Eren sat next to Petra who was the kindest squad member.

“Hey Eren,” Porter said. “Switch seats with me.”   
“Um, you want to switch?” Eren asked.  
“Yes, so I can sit next to my ginger goddess!”   
“Ugh,” Petra rolled her eyes. “Give me a break…”   
“You’re a vision of loveliness! A breath of fresh air from these clowns.”   
“Clowns huh?” Oruo said starting with him again. “Look who’s talking.”   
“Oh yeah, well your haircut is stupid!” Porter yelled.  
“What did you say!?” 

Levi continued to eat annoyed by the banter and casually glanced at you. Practically reading his mind you sipped your drink and called out to Blair. 

“Got it,” she said.

Blair stabbed a potato with her fork and shoved it into Porter’s mouth. That shut him up for now. 

“Being your keeper is exhausting, you know that, Jimmy?”  
“Mhm!”   
“Don’t talk,” she ordered. “Chew and swallow, idiot.” 

Petra and the rest of Levi’s squad chuckled at Porter for being embarrassed by Blair. You sighed and continued to eat your dinner. Hange and Moblit came out of the study for dinner and were late. Alice was happy to see Moblit and saved a seat next to her for him. 

“Sorry we’re late,” Moblit said. “Section Commander Hange and I were having a discussion and we lost track of the time… That happens a lot…”   
“That’s alright,” Alice said. “I made you a plate so we wouldn't run out of food.”   
“Thank you, I appreciate that.”   
“Where’s my plate!?” Hange exclaimed.   
“You think I’m gonna serve you?” Levi said. “Next time don’t be late.”   
“Nooo!!!”  
“Hange,” you said. “Calm down, we have more food! Take mine if you need to!” 

Adam observed everyone at the table and realized they weren't just soldiers, they were people, Eren included. He felt grateful to see these powerful soldiers in a different light. At first, he was intimidated by them but now he thought differently. 

After dinner, you remained at the table with Hange as Levi brewed the tea you brought him. He served you and Hange your tea. You sipped it and knew he made yours overly sweet just how you liked it. You felt at peace and it wasn't because of the tea, you were with your friends. 

“When was the last time we all got together like this?” you said.   
“It’s definitely been a while,” Hange said.   
“Yeah,” you said. “So let’s play a game!”  
“A game?” Levi asked annoyed. “Why? So you can cheat again?”   
“Nope! I won’t cheat this time! I promise!”   
“Sounds fun!” Hang exclaimed. “We could use a game.”   
“Fine… But I’m watching you.”  
“Heh, go ahead.” 

Hange found a deck of cards in their room and you shuffled them. You showed off a little with how fast you were shuffling them. The game you chose was poker but you weren't playing for money. You were playing for items and in just the first round you obtained Levi’s Ascot and Hange’s goggles. You gave them a smug grin as you shuffled the cards again. 

“You damn cheater…”  
“I didn't cheat!”   
“You did.”   
“Prove it!” 

Levi grabbed your arms arm and pulled down your sleeve. A few cards fell onto the floor and you gave him a charming guilty smile. 

“Now give me back my ascot.”   
“No! I like it! And I wear it better than Oruo does.”   
“Ugh.”   
“I’m a better Levi than him too, watch.”

You took Hange’s goggles off and did your best Levi impression. You made a serious face just like him.

“Clean that up,” you said in an intimidating voice. “Or else.”   
“Tch. That’s not me…” Levi complained.   
“I don’t know,” Hange said. “It sounds like you to me!”   
“Oh yeah?” Levi said and turned to you. “Let's see Hange.”   
“Heh, okay.”

You took off Levi’s ascot and put on Hange’s goggles. You also put your hair up in the same messy style as them. 

“Blah, blah, blah, Titans! Science! experiments! Wooo!”   
“Hey! I don't sound like that at all!”   
“That’s exactly what you sound like,” Levi commented.   
“No way! Do Erwin next!” 

Hange made the mistake of reminding you of Erwin. Your good mood was lost when you remembered everyone was here except for him. You tried to hide your sadness from them and gave a fake smile. 

“Sorry, I don’t have the eyebrows to do an Erwin impression.”   
“…”  
“Besides, that one is easy. All you have to do is act like you have a ten-foot stick up your ass.” 

Levi and Hange’s eyes went wide with surprise. They never thought they would hear you say something like that. Both of them took a long sip of tea and looked at each other. They were in an awkward spot since they were friends with both you and Erwin. Your jokes were the only way you could communicate your pain. You just couldn't admit to them that things weren't perfect in your relationship. 

“Are you okay?” Hange asked you.   
“I’m fine.”   
“You don’t seem fine…”   
“I’m fine, Hange.” 

You got up from your seat and pushed your chair in. You returned the borrowed items to their rightful owners. 

“Here’s your stuff back… I’m going to bed now…” 

You left the room and the two of them looked at each other again. You never went to bed this early. They waited until you were completely gone before speaking their minds. 

“She’s not fine,” they both said in unison.   
“What happened?” Hange asked.  
“Who knows,” Levi said. “It’s none of our business.”   
“You don't care?”   
“I didn’t say I didn't care,” Levi corrected Hange. “I said it wasn't our business.”   
“I guess they’re just going through something right now…”   
“Erwin doesn't have time to play house. That’s probably what’s killing her.”   
“You think so?”   
“Yeah.”

Recently, Levi was around Erwin more than you were to go over battle plans and such. The Scouts needed a leader right now but that’s not what you needed. 

“Let’s hope they figure it out,” Hange said.  
“I think we have more important things to worry about.” 

Hange couldn’t argue with that because Levi was right. They had no business getting involved in your relationship drama. You felt a little guilty about what you said about Erwin. You didn't mean it, you were just frustrated. In reality, you still thought the world of him. 

You sat on your bed with your head against your knees. Being alone only made you miss him more. Even if he was here it wouldn't be the same. You missed the Erwin who mused about his favorite books and gave you flowers. You hoped that side of him wasn't completely gone. This was just another thing those damn Titans took away from you with their existence. They needed to disappear for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be another character-driven one and Reader gets to interview Eren. Soon we'll be entering the Female Titan stuff, that's when the real pain starts :)


	18. Family

The next day Levi and Hange brought you up to speed on the experiments they have been conducting with Eren. For a time he was unable to transform because they did not understand how his Titan power worked. Hange deduced that there needed to be a clear goal for Eren to activate his power. After they worked with him in the morning you met with Eren in the afternoon. 

You were seated at a table with him and tried making light conversation before getting into the heavier questions. You asked him about how he was getting along with squad Levi and he gave you short simple answers. Once you were finished with the small talk you began by asking him about his father. The subject seemed to trouble him.

“So what’s the last thing you remember about your father? Aside from the key to the basement.”   
“I um…”   
“Do you remember where you were? Or what you saw? Or where you think he might have gone?”  
“I remember… There were trees.”   
“Trees? I need more than that, Eren. That could be anywhere.”   
“Well… I was on the ground.”   
“What else?”

Eren put a hand over his eye and seemed like he was struggling. What he remembered were only short visions and they were so chaotic he couldn’t comprehend what was going on. Eren clenched the hand on his face and closed his eyes. He was trying very hard to remember and put it into words. It almost seemed like he was in pain and you called out to him. 

“That’s alright, Eren. Let’s try a different question.”   
“…”   
“Did your father ever talk about what was in the basement?”   
“No…”   
“Was anyone ever after him? Did he have any enemies?”   
“I don't think so…” 

You sighed and leaned back in your chair with your arms crossed. It didn't make sense to you why Eren couldn't remember the last encounter he had with his father. You thought maybe it was so traumatic that he suppressed it. You thought it was somewhere deep inside his memories. 

“We’re getting nowhere,” you thought. “He couldn't have just disappeared for no reason… He wouldn't abandon his family. He wasn't that kind of man.” 

The purpose of interviewing Eren was to piece together the disappearance of his father and learn more about what he was involved in. You would be lying if you said you weren't motivated by your own personal reasons. It was important for you to know what became of him. You silently stared at Eren which made you remember another memory from your past.

“You look a lot like your mother, Eren.” 

Eren was surprised and disturbed by your simple statement. His eyes widened as he was reminded of his mother and her fate. 

“…You knew my mother?”   
“Not really, but I saw her once… I saw you too.”  
“When?”   
“A long time ago… I was from Shiganshina too but I left long before Wall Maria fell.” 

Three years after the Shiganshina epidemic you were living on your own with some other street kids. You had just finished another con and were being chased by two men. You and the others would meet up later to go over how much money was made for the day. Right now, you needed a place to hide. You found a house you were going to break into but stopped when you looked in the window. 

You didn't realize you found Doctor Grisha Jaeger’s house until you saw him. Apparently, he was married now and had a child. Looking into the window and saw Carla Jaeger cradling her newborn son. Grisha walked over to his wife and put a hand on her back while admiring their son. Grisha looked up and saw you at the window. Carla looked up as well and you hid before she saw you too. 

“Is something wrong,” Carla asked her husband.   
“Stay here, I think we have a guest.” 

Grisha went outside and you hid around the corner. He stayed right outside the door and didn't come to get you. Your behavior was reminiscent of a stray cat. 

“You can come in if you like,” Grisha said.   
“…”   
“There is no reason to hide.”

You ran off instead of coming inside like he offered. You thought you didn't belong there even if that’s what you wanted. 

“I don’t need you,” you thought at the time. “I don’t need anything from you! I’m fine on my own!”

Now, in the present, you wondered what would have happened if you did go in that day. You forgot that Erwin was not the first person who showed you empathy. There was a lot you didn't know about Grisha but from what you saw, you thought he was a good man. That was your perspective based on just a few instances.

“You had a nice family,” you thought out loud. “Your parents loved you very much…”  
“Shut up,” Eren snapped.  
“Eren?”   
“Just shut up…” 

There was a drastic change in Eren’s demeanor after listening to you. He clenched his fists and his eyes were wide and intense. He looked like a crazed animal who could strike at any moment. It was a dangerous combination of grief and rage. You recognized it because you’ve had that look in your eye once before. You tried to snap him out of it by taking a stern tone. 

“What are you gonna do, Eren?” you challenged him. “Turn into a titan and eat me?”   
“No, I wouldn't do that… I just—” 

Eren tried to get ahold of himself and put his hands on his face once again. He looked down feeling guilty for lashing out at a superior officer. You weren't going to punish him for that but you did have a lot to say. 

“Look at me, Eren.” 

Eren reluctantly looked up at you practically on the verge of tears. The look you gave him was calm yet intense. Your eyes were a window into the dark pit of your soul. He was almost frightened by the look you gave him. 

“Whatever you’ve lost I've lost tenfold,” you said calmly. “I’ve suffered too.”  
“…”  
“Pain is not unique to you.”   
“…”   
“I didn't have a family for a long time… Now, I have a little brother who I have to make sure doesn't get himself killed.”   
“…”  
“So take your pain and move on. Get over it.” 

Eren’s eyes widened and he was once again agitated by your words. You kept an indifferent expression on your face as he grew angry. You and Eren were both individuals empowered and crippled by emotion. 

“Get over it..? You want me to just… Get over it!?”  
“That’s enough for today,” Levi said walking into the room. “Go to your room, Eren. That’s an order.”   
“Yes, Sir…” 

Eren got up from the table and looked at you for a moment. You gave him a nod letting him know everything was alright. He walked out of the room still shaken up by the intense conversation. He swore to kill the titans and letting go of his pain would make him lose his resolve. That wasn't something he intended to do. Levi gave you a stern look of disapproval. 

“Don’t do that,” Levi scolded you.   
“Do what?”   
“Provoke him.”   
“I didn’t.”   
“You did, I was watching you.”   
“Why? You don’t trust him?”   
“I don’t trust leaving you alone with him. You have a bad habit of running your mouth and if you piss him off enough who knows what you’ll get.”  
“Sorry, I had to give him a reality check.”  
“Eren is my responsibility, not yours. You’re here to get some information not give him a ‘reality check.’ ”  
“Hmph.”   
“Also, you’re a hypocrite. Get over it and move on, huh? You haven't gotten over your own shit and you know it. Sure, you can pretend, you’re real good at pretending, but you don’t fool me. Not for a damn second.”

Like usual, Levi was right. He knew you well enough to practically read your mind and you said nothing in response to that. Levi came around the table and sat down with one leg crossed over the other. Adam was passing by in the hallway and heard you two talking. He was curious about the two cool Captains and decided to listen in. 

“You said something about a little brother,” Levi said. “Is that the story with the new kid?”   
“How did you know?”   
“You didn't show interest in any of the new recruits besides Mikasa. Either he’s special or you took pity on him for some reason.”   
“He’s stronger than you think, Levi. I didn't just take him because he’s my brother.”  
“You really want that extra responsibility?”  
“I can handle it.” 

Adam was startled by what you and Levi were discussing. It took him a moment to let it sink in.

“Brother? Is the Captain talking about me?” He thought. “We’re siblings..? How?”

Adam leaned in to listen in more but Levi changed the subject. He refocused the conversation back on Eren. 

“So, you didn't learn anything useful from Eren. Does that mean you’re finally leaving?”   
“Not yet, don’t be so quick to throw me out.”

Levi glanced at the door and looked directly at Adam. His icy glare sent a terrifying chill through his spine. Adam ran off afraid of being exposed by Levi. He said nothing to you about him eavesdropping on the private conversation. While running away Adam ran right into Porter. 

“Oh, there you are,” Porter said.   
“Sorry— I just um…”  
“You’re not avoiding us, are you?”   
“Um… No, Sir.”   
“Sir? No, no, no… That won’t do. You can call me anything except Jimmy, I hate that.”   
“Isn't that what Blair calls you?”   
“Exactly.” 

Porter grabbed him by the back of his collar and dragged him away. Adam resisted a little trying to get free.

“Come on, you’re not getting away from us that easy.”   
“Wait— I need to talk to the Captain!”   
“Captain’s busy, you can talk to her later.” 

Adam stopped resisting and sighed as Porter pulled him into a room. All of the squad members were there except Alice. 

“You found him,” Blair said. “Good job, Jimmy.”   
“Tch. Would you stop calling me that?”   
“That’s your name, isn't it?” 

Porter approached Blair and attempted to push down on her head as he always did. She grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back effortlessly. Regina and Sarah glanced at them for a second and then looked at Adam. At this point, they were used to their antics. 

“So um… Did you need something from me?” Adam asked.   
“I hope you don’t think we’re monsters because we had to put you through hell,” Regina said. “We were just following the Captain’s orders to toughen you up.”  
“No, I don’t think that at all… I appreciated it.”  
“Yet you’re avoiding us.”  
“I um… I’ve never been very good at friends… I only ever really had one…”  
“So you’re socially awkward,” Blair said. “Noted.”   
“Hey! I didn't say that!” 

Blair let go of Porter and he rubbed his arm. She approached Adam and he got a little nervous. 

“Listen,” Blair said. “This team is more than just another squad in the military. Our Captain made it clear from day one that we’re a family. No one will ever judge you or make fun of you for being yourself. Who you were doesn't matter but everything you do from this point on matters. You can be whoever you want to be now.” 

Blair and spoke very highly of you and Adam felt inspired. This team deeply cared for their Captain and each other. You gave a new meaning to the word family for them. 

“Has… The captain ever talked about her family?”   
“We’re her family,” Blair said. “Didn’t I just say that?”   
“I meant… Biological family…”   
“Does it matter?” Regina said. “Even if my sister and I weren't related we would still have each other’s back.”   
“So… You’re saying it doesn't matter?”   
“It doesn't matter to us.” 

Adam took a moment to think about what the squad just said to him and about the possibility of being your younger brother. 

“So we’re already a family?” Adam thought to himself. “It doesn't matter if we’re actually siblings or not… Still, why did mother keep this a secret for all these years? I have to ask her when we come back from our expedition.” 

He decided not to confront you directly, at least not until speaking to his mother. He wanted to hear it from her first. There was something about this that still didn't make sense to him.

Meanwhile, Alice was with Moblit reviewing the notes he took on Hange’s behalf. They were currently looking at a sketch of Eren’s Titan arm. Alice was impressed by how incredibly detailed the drawing was. 

“You’re an incredible artist, Moblit.”   
“Thank you, I think it’s important we illustrate Eren’s abilities to better understand them.”   
“Do you ever draw for fun?”   
“I do.”   
“Can I see?”   
“Um… I don’t mind but I’m sure you’ll find them boring…”   
“I doubt that.” 

Moblit humored her and opened a drawer to retrieve his sketchbook. You had your journal full of poetry while Moblit had his drawings. Alice took the leather sketchbook and handled it with great care. She sat on the edge of his bed while gently turning the pages. There was a realistic drawing of Hange’s cat and a wedge of cheese. Moblit continued to review the notes while Alice went through the sketchbook. She loved every single drawing. They were all so lifelike. Eventually, Alice flipped the page and saw a portrait of a young woman with short hair and a gentle yet sad expression. It took her a moment to realize that was herself. 

“Is this me?”   
“Oh crap,” Moblit said to himself internally panicking. “I forgot!” 

Moblit practically jumped out of his seat but it was too late. She was holding the book open with the drawing of her. Moblit nervously rubbed the back of his neck trying to think of what to say.

“Um… Well— I uh—“   
“Am I really that pretty?”   
“Yes, you are…”   
“Thank you…” 

Alice was happy that is how he saw her and smiled softly. When she looked in the mirror she never felt satisfied. She never thought very highly of herself even when you encouraged her to be proud of her accomplishments. Moblit was surprised to see her smiling and thought he ought to be honest. He sat down next to her but kept a respectable amount of space between them. 

“I guess there isn't any point in denying it now… I um… I’ve liked you for some time.”   
“Me too… I just…”   
“Someone hurt you, I can tell.”  
“I’ve had a lot taken away from me…” 

Moblit was smart enough to figure out what she meant but he didn't know the details. Alice lived by her alias but it wasn't enough to erase the past. Her self worth was shattered in that terrible manor. She looked towards you for the courage to go on and followed your lead. Unlike you, it wasn't the war on the Titans that prevented her from being intimate. It was the fear and pain that lingered long after she escaped. 

“I understand,” Moblit said. “And I’m not asking for anything from you. Being around you is enough. When you’re around I feel… Happy.”   
“I feel happy too…” 

Alice reached out to him and took his hand in hers. It was a silent way of saying she wanted to pursue him anyway. Moblit accepted her silent declaration and kept her hand in his. When she felt comfortable enough she rested her head on his shoulder. Moblit sighed in relief and enjoyed a moment of peace with someone he was fond of. They could stay like this forever and he wouldn't mind one bit. Their relationship would have its own struggles and challenges to overcome. To love another person was the ultimate gamble but some people were worth the risk. To you, Erwin was worth it, even with all the pressure your relationship came with. 

The next day you met with Eren again and apologized for upsetting him. He apologized for his behavior even if he still didn't agree with you. Levi threatened to discipline him if he ever spoke to you or any other superior like that again. You tried exploring Eren’s memories again and still had little to nothing to go on. Hange suggested that you try hypnotizing him but you disregarded it as nonsense. Eventually, you became desperate enough to try it and waved a pocket watch in front of Eren. 

Hange was disappointed when nothing happened. Eren didn't fall asleep and still couldn't unlock his suppressed memories. You yelled at Hange telling them that you never did this before. Hange took the pocket watch from you and insisted that they try. Moblit and Alice stood on the side watching Hange.

“You’re getting sleepy, Eren,” Hange said. “Veeerrryyyy Sleepy.”  
“Umm…”   
“Section Commander Hange, I don’t think it’s working,” Moblit said.   
“Oh, it’s working. I can feel it!"   
“It doesn't seem like it is,” Alice commented.   
“He’ll sleep, annnnny minute now.”   
“I’m calling it, Hange,” you said. “We've been at it for days trying to get this kid to remember. He doesn't remember and there’s nothing else we can do.”

Later you wrote a letter to Erwin telling him that interviewing Eren was unsuccessful. You also left him a personal message at the end of the letter. You found Adam and decided to let him take the letter this time. It would be the first real task you gave him. 

“Take this letter to Commander Erwin,” you said.   
“Um… Is this one real?”  
“If it’s too much trouble I’ll just give it Alice.”  
“No! I’ll take it! I wanna do it!”   
“Alright…”   
“Be careful.”   
“Yes, Ma’am.”

Adam went to deliver the letter and you hoped he would be alright on his own. In the short time he was in your squad you became quite attached to him. On the way to deliver the letter, the wind picked up making his journey more difficult. There was thunder and lightning but no rain yet. While riding through a forest a tree was struck by lightning. 

The lightning frightened his horse causing it to buck. Adam was thrown off his horse who ran away. He pushed himself up by his arms and yelled for his horse to come back. He looked at the tree that was struck by lightning which caught fire. He knew the fire would spread to the other trees quickly and he would be trapped. Adam got up and started to run as fast as he could.

“I can do this,” He thought. “I will make it there no matter what. I’m not a failure, I’m a soldier!” 

Adam was reminded of the training with you that he endured for two weeks. You were right, a time would come where he had to survive on his own. The wildfire raged behind him as he continued to run. His mind was focused on his objective, deliver the letter. His adrenaline picked up as he kept moving forward and didn't look back. He intended to run or walk the rest of the way if he had to but he would deliver that letter. Eventually, his frightened horse came back for him. 

“Hey!” he yelled. “You came back! Good job!” 

Adam quickly jumped on his horse and looked over his shoulder. The wildfire continued to spread but rain began to fall. Adam trusted nature would take care of the rest.

“Alright, now let’s deliver this letter to Commander Erwin!” 

He whipped the reins and rode fast and focused. He remembered what Blair said about becoming who you wanted to be. He wanted to be strong, fearless, and everything else he thought you were. Eventually, he made it back to the base tired and hungry, but he made it. He knocked on the door and Erwin told him to come in. There was dirt on his face and a twig in his hair from falling off his horse.

“Commander Erwin!” Adam yelled excitedly. “I have a letter for you!”   
“There is no need to shout, I’m right here.”  
“S-Sorry Sir… Here’s your letter.” 

Adam brought the letter to Erwin and he took it from him. He stood there smiling feeling proud of accomplishing his goal. Erwin looked at Adam waiting for him to leave but he didn’t.

“Was there anything else?”   
“No, Sir. Just that.”   
“Then you’re dismissed.” 

Adam saluted Erwin with the wrong arm and quickly left the room. He mixed up right and left again and internally yelled at himself for saluting the Commander wrong. 

“You idiot! Don’t embarrass yourself in front of the Commander!” Adam thought to himself. “He’s so cool…” 

He was a good kid but still a little awkward. Erwin thought this must of been the brother you were referring to. You two did look similar even if you were only half related. Erwin sat down in his chair and opened the letter you sent him. 

“Dear Erwin, 

Eren doesn't remember anything useful about his father’s disappearance. He says that the last time he saw his father they were in a forest somewhere. Unfortunately, that doesn't narrow down our search. According to Eren, his father didn't have any enemies but you and I know that doesn't mean anything. I still believe he was murdered although I don’t have any proof of that. This investigation is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I’ll discuss this with you more in person. 

I look forward to seeing you again, you are in my thoughts always.”

Erwin’s eyes lingered on the last sentence of your letter. Although you were irritated and hurt you still made an effort to express your love to him. His mind was occupied with the upcoming expedition but being kept apart hurt him too. He would love nothing more than to spend more time with you but that wasn't practical. This is the way things had to be.

He wondered how much longer you two could go on like this for. Erwin knew you needed more, no, you deserved more than he could provide. The trouble was finding the right time to tell you to move on. He saw this coming years ago, it was inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be female Titan stuff, pain, and death :( Hope you guys are ready!


	19. Grief

You returned to the base with the rest of your squad a few days after Adam delivered your letter. He kept the trouble he had delivering the letter to himself. You met with Erwin in his office to discuss the details that you left out of the letter. 

“So, you didn't learn anything from Eren?” Erwin asked rhetorically.  
“No, I’m afraid not.”  
“I thought so.”  
“I’ll try Mikasa or Armin next.”  
“There is no need for that. The answers you seek are in Eren’s basement.”  
“How do you know that?”  
“I’m certain everything will become clear once we reach that basement,” Erwin said confidently. “Speaking of which, I’ve come up with the formation for the expedition. You and your squad will be at the rear behind the Special Operations Squad.”  
“You usually place me and my squad at the front so we can relay messages.”  
“Yes, but the circumstances are different this time.”  
“The circumstances?”  
“You need to defend Eren with your life. Do whatever it takes.”  
“Do you know something I don’t?”  
“The spy I told you about will try to sabotage this mission.”  
“Why do you say that?”  
“Because they are the same as Eren.”  
“What?”  
“There is another human who can turn into a titan.”  
“And you know that because…?”  
“Call it a hunch.”  
“And what makes you think they’re after Eren?”  
“Also a hunch.”

You spent most of your life around gamblers but Erwin was the greatest gambler you ever met. He was willing to bet it all on just a feeling. It took guts and balls of steel to do that. He also spoke as if he already knew what was going to happen. Sometimes, his perception was frightening. 

“Hey, you can’t see the future, can you?” you joked.  
“If I could see the future we would have claimed victory by now.”

His tone was solemn and your joke went right over his head. Erwin wasn't in the mood for jokes. He was so fixated on getting to the basement that it bordered on obsession. You came around his desk and put a hand on the side of his face. 

“You’re doing a good job, Erwin.”  
“I don’t need reassurance.”  
“No need to get defensive…”  
“I’m not getting defensive. I’m saying I don’t need to be reassured. I’m confident in our strategy and in our men.”

You removed your hand from his face and looked down feeling defeated. It was frustrating that he never let his guard down anymore, not even around you. 

“Please, drop the Commander act for five minutes…”  
“It isn't an act. It is my duty.”  
“You know what I mean…” 

Erwin put his knuckle under your chin lifting your head up to look at him. He thought to tell you what has been on his mind but leaving you heartbroken on the battlefield would benefit no one. He was also wounded by the sad look in your eye. Only you were capable of taking his ability to form sentences. Normally, he always knew exactly what to say. Now, he didn't have the words. 

Erwin gave up on searching for the right thing to say as a response. Instead, he leaned down and gave you a gentle kiss. It was the most affection you've received from him in months. When he pulled away you clenched his muscular arm with a pleading look. 

“More…”  
“You have things to do.”  
“Please… I need you.” 

Erwin looked at the clock to see how much time he had available. You hated feeling like you two were on a timer. He gave you his answer when he took his jacket off quickly and tossed it to the side. He lifted you by your hips and placed you onto his desk. You threw your arms around his neck and kissed him hurriedly. His mind was elsewhere which you could tell by the way he kissed you. His heart wasn't in it this time.

You didn’t want to accept that things have changed between you two. This wasn't passion, it was an attempt to satisfy yourselves quickly. Erwin undid his belt but kept his uniform on. Before he could do anything else there was a knock on the door. You weren't surprised but that didn't prevent you from feeling disappointed. 

“Yes, what is it?” Erwin asked loudly.  
“I’ve been sent by the supply depot, Sir.”  
“Just a moment.” 

Erwin re-buckled his pants and you silently got up from his desk. You turned away from him so he didn't see the disappointment on your face. Erwin put his jacket back on and ordered the messenger to enter.

“Commander Erwin,” the messenger said. “The provisions have been allocated for the 57th expedition. We just need you to review and sign off on them.”  
“Of course.” 

Erwin took the papers from the messenger to review and approve. You silently walked away empty and unsatisfied. You put a hand on the doorframe for a moment and looked at Erwin. He glanced up from the paperwork for a moment and gave you a curt nod telling you to go. You tried to hold back the tears as you left his office and returned to your own.

“This isn't fair,” you thought to yourself. “Why can’t we just have a moment alone?”

Meanwhile, Adam and Jean were sitting on a ledge of one of the base’s rooftops as the sun hung over them. When Adam returned from his time with the Intelligence Mobility Squad he was changed. He understood the world was bigger than just Trost. There was so much more he needed to learn as a soldier. Adam told Jean vague details about his training and the squad he was in. He was pretty excited over it. 

“So you’re an elite soldier now?” Jean asked.  
“Sure am, jealous?”  
“Ha, like I’d ever be jealous of you.”

Adam was amused by his response because it was so typical of him to say something like that. Jean wondered how he was able to get on an elite squad with his track record being less than spectacular. Adam had a different question on his mind. Now, he had an opportunity to finally get a straight answer from him, or at least he hoped he would get a straight answer. 

“Hey Jean, I was wondering about something for awhile…”  
“Well spit it out already.”  
“Why did you join the Scouts?”  
“Oh, you know… A lot of pretty girls joined the Scouts so I thought, what the hell. Might as well join them.”  
“Is that really the best lie you can come up with?”

Jean made a huff and looked to the side trying to avoid the subject. His elbow was propped up by his knee and his fist rested on his cheek. Adam looked at him trying to see through his facade.

“I was worried at first but now I think you made the right decision about not joining the Military Police,” Adam said sincerely. “They’re not what you think they are.”  
“Well that’s awfully cryptic,” he said looking at him again. “Wanna explain?”  
“Sorry, I can’t talk about it.”  
“What do you mean you can’t talk about it?”  
“I’m not allowed to discuss certain things.”  
“Oh I get it, you think you’re better than me now don’t you? Yeah? Is that it?”  
“Don’t turn this into a fight, Jean. We fought a lot as kids and I’m tired of fighting with you. I think it’s time we both grow up.” 

Jean recalled hitting Adam recently and felt guilty about it. They were too old to solve their disagreements with violence. Jean knew there was nothing he could do or say to get Adam off his back now. He could run away and avoid the conversation all together but he didn't want to be a coward, not anymore. 

“You wanna know why I joined? Fine, I’ll tell you,” Jean said sitting up straight. “I can’t go on and pretend I didn't see what I saw! Those monsters ripped apart our classmates like they were breakfast… I don’t think… I’ll ever forget it…”  
“You’re scared but you’re willing to fight anyway for those who died. That’s courageous.”  
“Tch. I’m not courageous…”  
“I think you are.” 

Just like Marco, Adam thought highly of Jean. In some ways, he looked up to him. There were plenty of people who disliked him but Adam believed it was because they didn't make the effort to get to know him. He thought underneath the sarcasm and superiority complex was a wonderful person. Jean was a little flustered by Adam thinking so well of him. In fact, he feared letting him down. Jean looked down thinking about the expedition. Just by looking at him, Adam knew what he was thinking. 

“So are you nervous about our first expedition?” Adam asked.  
“Me? Nervous? I mean… Well… Um…”  
“Be honest.”  
“Eren better not screw us over! Our lives depend on him and I don’t want to die yet… There’s so much I still haven’t done… I haven't even had my first kiss yet!”  
“Heh.”  
“S-Shut up! I didn't mean to say that out loud…”  
“But you did!”  
“Tch.” 

Jean put his hands over his face and blushed a little. Adam giggled amused by his friend’s expression and decided to keep teasing him.

“Just ask Mikasa for a kiss then,” he joked.  
“Are you crazy!? She’ll kill me!”  
“Okay, how about Sasha then?”  
“Would you knock it off!?”  
“How about me?” 

Jean’s mouth was agape and his eyes were wide. He remembered Adam had a streak of sarcasm so he laughed it off awkwardly. 

“Haha, very funny,” Jean said sarcastically. “You’re such a freaken smartass…”  
“Haha… Yeah… I really am…”

They both laughed awkwardly and looked away from each other. Adam’s face burned with embarrassment for saying that.

“What the hell?” Jean thought. “Where the hell did that come from?”  
“God I’m such an idiot,” Adam thought. “Why did I have to say that?”

Adam wasn't quite sure what he was feeling at that moment. It was something beyond friendship that he never felt towards anyone before. Unlike some of the other boys in his class he wasn't attracted to the strong but silent Mikasa, or the always hungry Sasha, or even the kind hearted Krista. His mother always wanted him to marry a nice girl one day and have grandchildren. Once again, she told him what his life should be. It was all planned out perfectly for him. However, he realized he didn't want any of those things.

He wanted to stay beside his childhood friend, forever, if possible. Adam didn't know at what point his feelings turned romantic. He was confused and even felt ashamed. He was aware Jean liked Mikasa and most likely wasn't interested in him but he couldn't help it. It was too much for his adolescent brain to handle right now. Adam got up from the ledge of the roof and turned away. 

“So anyway…” Adam said trying to keep his composure. “Be careful out there…”  
“Don’t worry about me,” Jean said trying to act cool. “Worry about yourself and try to do as you’re told for once.”  
“Yeah, you should take your own advice.”

Jean scoffed in response to that as Adam walked away and returning to his squad. Jean looked over his shoulder for a second not convinced that he was joking around. It was obvious Adam was trying to avoid further embarrassment. 

“If you got something to say then say it,” Jean thought to himself. “Don’t run away, dumbass…”

Jean pushed his hair back with his hand and sighed. He wasn't quite sure what to make of it either. His crush was still Mikasa but he never considered the boy next door harbored feelings for him. There was a lot here to consider. Eventually, he got up and returned to the main group of recruits like nothing happened. 

Days later, Commander Erwin led the soldiers through the Calaneth District beginning the 57th Exterior Scouting Mission. It was Adam’s first time outside the walls. His life consisted of going to school and working in his parent’s store. It was a boring life compared to all this. When the scouts reached open territory he ordered everyone to switch to Long Distance Enemy Scouting Formation. You and your squad split into teams of two with you at the front leading them. The squad took the shape of an arrow within a much larger arrow. 

The teams were Blair and Porter, Regina and Sarah, and Alice and Adam. Everyone had their flares to communicate when titans were spotted. Alice told Adam to fire the flares which he did. She was patient with him which is why you paired them together. Everything went smoothly for a time as you followed the Special Operations Squad. Eventually, you regrouped with each pair and told them you were entering the Forest of Giant Trees. 

Your squad members thought that was odd since it didn't make any sense. You couldn't share Erwin’s plan with them because he believed there was a spy. You didn't suspect any of your soldiers but you respected his concerns. Only a handful of people knew of Erwin’s plan and even those people were given vague details. You didn't know what exactly he expected your squad to encounter until you saw it. While in the forest a large sturdy Titan with the shape of a woman jumped over your squad. She was headed straight for squad Levi which you couldn't allow. 

“We must prevent that Titan from getting to Eren,” you informed them. “Your order is to do whatever it takes to protect Eren! Do I make myself clear!?”  
“Yes, Ma’am,” your squad yelled.  
“We’re going to do a coordinated attack. We’ll attack one after the other and wear her out. Porter, you’re up first!”  
“I do love a woman who plays hard to get,” he said confidently. “Alright! Let’s do this!” 

Porter propelled himself into the air and grappled onto her shoulder. Without even turning her head the Female Titan squashed him with her hand as if he were a mere bug. She then threw him too far to even know when his body landed. Your squad was horrified and enraged by Porter’s sudden death. Blair gripped the reigns tightly with a strong desire to avenge her friend. 

“I’ll go next!” Blair yelled.  
“No,” you said. “Regina, Sarah, go! You know what to do!” 

The twins propelled themselves off their horses. They didn't need to talk to each other to synchronize their attacks. Sarah went for the Titans leg’s while Regina went for her nape. The female Titan covered her nape with her hand and kicked Sarah far away killing her in the process. Regina gasped and swore she could feel her twin sister's pain in that moment. She attempted to cut the wrist of the Titan but was swatted away in the same direction as her sister. 

This was a living nightmare. In just a few minutes you lost three members of your squad. You realized Erwin placed you and your squad in the position with the most peril. By his logic, your skills would be best suited to defend Eren. It became clear very quickly that this thing was practically invincible. Sacrificing your soldiers seemed pointless even if you knew what the end goal was.

“Now it’s my turn!” Blair yelled. “I’ll kill it!”  
“No, I’ll go!” Alice said. “Stay back!”  
“No, let me!” Adam protested. “I can do it!”  
“STOP!” you yelled. “Everyone stop! Do not engage!”  
“Captain, we have to stop her! She’ll catch up to Eren!”  
“We can’t, not like this. I’m halting all attacks.”  
“Your order was to protect Eren no matter what.”  
“I’ve changed my order,” you said sternly.  
“But the situation didn't change.”  
“Soldier, I will detain you disobeying your superior!”  
“That’s fine with me but I’m going by your original order because that’s the right thing to do. We have to do our job!”  
“ADAM, I SWEAR TO GOD—”

Adam propelled himself off of his horse to engage the Female Titan. You also propelled yourself off of your horse to help him. He latched himself onto her arm with the grappling hook. You latched onto her back and went right for her nape to end this quickly.

“I’ll kill this bitch myself!” you thought angrily. “Stay out of my way, Adam!” 

You got close, almost close enough to cut her but The Female Titan caught Adam by the wire of the grappling hook and knocked you away with his body. You were thrown back and rolled when you hit the ground. The soldiers traveling forward on horseback had to avoid your body. The Female Titan threw Adam against a tree snapping his neck and breaking his bones. Alice and Blair immediately turned themselves around on horseback. 

“CAPTAIN!” They both yelled. 

Levi’s squad continued to move forward as his team screamed at him to give them orders to engage. Eren desperately wanted to transform, especially after seeing Adam and the other soldiers killed. The soldiers behind them were there to distract and delay the Female Titan. Your squad and the other soldiers gave their lives for them. Eren ultimately chose to put his trust in his teammates. Levi and his squad successfully reached the trap that was set by Erwin. The female Titan was pierced with an abundance of steel arrows connected to wires.

Your two remaining squad members reached you and got off their horses. Blair turned you over and revealed your head to be bleeding and your eyes closed. Alice was worried that they had lost their Captain too. 

“Is she dead?” Alice asked nervously. 

Blair check your pulse and shook her head no. It was a miracle that you were alive, bruised and bloodied, but alive. 

“No, just knocked out.”

They shook you trying to get you to come to but you were out cold. There was quite a bit you missed after you were knocked unconscious. The Female Titan unleashed a dreadful shriek which summoned Titans to her. Blair and Alice had to move your body before the Titans trampled you. They ate the body of the Female Titan but the human inside escaped and went after Eren again. She killed Levi’s entire squad except for Eren. An attempt was made to take him but she was stopped by Mikasa and Levi. He injured himself while rescuing Eren but they succeeded in retrieving him.

When you awoke you were laying down in a cart with bandages wrapped around your head. You sat up feeling disoriented and sore. You were in a field with the soldiers who were collecting the dead bodies. The two remaining members of your squad saw you were awake and approached you.

“You’re awake,” Alice said. “Are you feeling okay?”  
“Where are they?” you asked abruptly.  
“You mean… The bodies?”  
“We were only able to retrieve Adam’s body,” Blair said cutting to the chase. “He’s over there…”

You looked in the direction Alice pointed to and saw Jean was standing near Adam’s body. He had a sorrowful look on his face which filled you with guilt for failing to protect him.

“You bastard,” he thought. “Not you too… I’ll never forgive you for this…”

You didn't want to go over there and face Jean who was on the verge of tears. Armin came next to him and looked down at Adam’s body. 

“I didn’t know him that well,” Armin said. “But he seemed like a good guy…”  
“Yeah, he was…” 

Jean and Armin gave him a moment of silence before picking up his body to stack onto the other corpses. Unlike the rest of your squad, Adam had friends and family that would mourn him. You thought he should have stayed home and not follow your path. You felt as if you were the one who killed him by allowing him to join you. 

“Captain, do you want to say goodbye?” Alice asked.  
“Get me a horse,” you said coldly.  
“Captain,” Alice said. “You should ride in the cart and—“  
“I said get me a horse!” 

You got up and marched out of the cart. Alice and Blair looked at each other understanding that you were devastated. They took no offense to your aggressive tone but they were concerned about you pushing yourself. On the way to find a horse, you passed Erwin who didn't look at you. He was being given the report about the dead soldiers. Not long after that two soldiers, Dieter and Jurgen started arguing with Erwin about retrieving the dead body of their friend, Ivan. Levi got involved and defended Erwin’s refusal of their request. 

Dieter screamed at both of them believing they were cold hearted. You said nothing as you observed them. Dieter’s anger was understandable but Erwin had his reasons for refusing. The lives of all the soldiers matter more than just one. It was something even you still struggled with. The two soldiers didn't take no for an answer and went to retrieve the body anyway. Their selfish action had consequences because they brought a few titans with them. You were furious at them for doing that. 

Jurgen was eaten and Dieter tried to save him. He was grabbed and had to be saved by Mikasa. Erwin ordered everyone to race for the walls and avoid fighting the titans. The cart carrying the bodies was too slow and the titans were catching up. Levi was unable to fight due to being injured and the same went for you. Levi ordered that the bodies be thrown off to lighten the load. The soldiers resisted and you were at your limit emotionally. No one wanted to leave the dead behind but there was no other option.

“Just do it!” You yelled. “Listen to him, damnit!” 

You looked at Levi who was on the other side of the cart. He held your gaze for a moment as the soldiers began to toss the bodies. Adam’s broken body was tossed out of the cart along with Petra and the others. You whipped the reigns on your horse aggressively and sped up. You didn't even want to look as the bodies were trampled, you couldn’t. You just had to keep moving forward like Erwin. 

Nothing but angry and critical citizens awaited the return of the scouts from the horrific expedition. Erwin took the brunt of it as they heckled him about wasted taxes and all of the deaths. He remained stoic as usual but he was being tormented on the inside. Levi also continued to move forward even as he was approached by Petra’s father. You didn't know what he was telling him but the look on his face said it all. He was horrified and you had never seen that look on his face before.

You also moved forward with your legs as heavy as lead. Now, that your adrenaline died down you felt excruciating pain in your body. Suddenly, a woman called out to you pulling you out of your trance. When you looked up you were once again face to face with your mother.

“Where is my son? Where is Adam?”  
“…”  
“Is he coming home?  
“…”  
“Tell me! Please!” 

She grabbed your arm demanding answers from you as she began to cry. You stopped in your tracks and fell behind the other soldiers. Erwin continued to lead the soldiers forward as your blood boiled. You refused to look at her and stared at the ground with your fists clenched. 

“Did you cry like this for me, mother?” you asked eerily calm.

She let go of your arm and finally realized who you were. She put her hands over her mouth in shock. 

“When you left me to die, did you carry on like this? Well, did you!?”

Finally, you looked up and gave her a look of hate. Erwin stopped the march only for a second and gave you the side eye. To lash out now would ruin whatever was left of the Survey Corps reputation. Levi also turned in your direction and gave you the same look. Erwin continued the march and you forced yourself to calm down for him and your fellow soldiers. 

“It’s you…” she said in disbelief.  
“You’re pathetic…” you responded coldly. “Get the hell away from me.” 

You marched forward following Erwin and Levi as the heckling continued. There were so many things you wanted to scream but you couldn’t. It was bad enough that the expedition failed and Eren would have to be handed over. 

You wanted to avoid anyone and everyone but you had responsibilities to uphold. Upon returning you showered as if it would wash away the pain and blood. You saw short memories of Porter, Regina, Sarah, and Adam. You were overwhelmed and sat down on the floor hugging your naked body. You were fixated on the shower’s drain as the previous events played in your head over and over. Your body was in great pain from the impact of the fall but the pain in your heart was greater. 

You placed your head against your knees as the water beat down on the back of your neck. Your tears were washed away by the water from the shower. Eventually, you turned off the water and forced yourself to get up. You didn't know how long you were in the shower for. You put a long sleeve shirt and pants on but you didn't bother to dry your hair. On the way back to your quarters, you saw one of the many faces you wanted to avoid. Jean was in the hallway, waiting for you.

“Hey, you were Adam’s Captain right?” he asked.  
“…”  
“Look, I just wanna know… He tried to be a hero, didn't he?”  
“…”  
“God damn idiot… He never knew when to just stop. And look what trying to be a hero got him… Absolutely nothing! He should have just stayed home like the Mama’s boy he was…”  
“…”  
“God… First Marco and now him… Am I… Am I next?” 

You were enraged when he made Adam’s death about himself. You thought he had a lot of nerve to seek you out for answers and then whine about dying. 

“Shut up you selfish prick,” you snapped. “I really can’t stand people like you… Do you only ever think about yourself?”  
“Tch. Don’t take it out on me because you failed as a Captain!”

Jean hit a nerve which caused you to slap him with the back of your hand. He was surprised you actually hit him and touched his cheek. Before you could do anything else Blair seemingly appeared out of nowhere and held you back by your arms.

“Captain,” Blair said. “Please calm down.”  
“Let go of me, Blair.”  
“He will be dealt with for that, I promise you, but you need to calm down.”

Blair held you back and scowled at Jean for his insensitive comment. Still touching his cheek he watched you struggle. Struggling against Blair only agitated your injuries. Jean realized what he said cut deeper than intended. You were in great pain over Adam’s death and he immediately felt awful. 

“Look, I’m sorry,” Jean said putting his hands up. “That was a really shitty thing to say even for a jerk like me… I was out of line, okay? There’s no excuse… I have no excuse…” 

You stopped struggling and Blair finally let go. You stared at the boy who hung his head feeling guilty. You turned away from him and walked off as Blair followed behind you. In all honesty, you didn't want to be followed around right now. 

“What?” you asked Blair. “Are you gonna guilt me too?”  
“No Ma’am,” Blair said. “I loved James like a brother, but he did his job and he died how he always wanted to, in a moment so glorious they would write songs about him.”  
“We need to have a meeting,” you said coldly. “Meet me back here in fifteen minutes…”  
“Yes, Ma’am.” 

You went to Hange’s study to find Alice but instead, you found Moblit alone at the desk. He was leaned back casually with a drink in his hand. 

“Is your girlfriend here?” you asked Moblit.  
“Oh, Captain!” he yelled startled by your presence. “No, she isn’t… But I can help you find her if you’re looking for her…” 

Moblit sat up straight out of respect for his superior officer. You were fixated on the glass in Moblit’s hand and the bottle of alcohol resting on the desk. It was all you could focus on as the urge to drink came back strong.

“Captain?” Moblit asked noticing your intense stare. “Is something wrong?”  
“You’re having a drink?”  
“Um, yes… Sorry, my nerves are shot from the expedition.”  
“Pour me a drink, Moblit.”  
“Captain, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  
“I’m fine, there’s no need to worry… I haven't had a drink in a while.”  
“I still don’t think you should.”  
“Fine, I’ll get it myself.”

You grabbed the bottle resting on his desk and poured yourself a shot. You also refilled his glass even though he didn't ask you to. 

“Alright, the first one is for Adam.”  
“The first one?”  
“I’m going to take four shots. One for every member lost.” 

Moblit had a bad feeling about this but he couldn’t stop you. He was worried you were being reckless. You raised your glass expecting him to join you in a toast. He reluctantly raised his glass and waited for you to say a few words.

“To Adam, the spunkiest brat I’ve ever known… My little brother who I hated for no reason other than existing… I wish… We had more time… More time as a family.” 

Moblit wasn't aware that Adam was your brother and understood why you were so distraught now. You tossed your head back taking your first shot in years as the bitter liquid raced down your throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh goodness, I was waiting to write this one. Pure pain :( RIP the squad members and Adam. He was only around for 5 chapters but I loved writing his character.
> 
> The next chapter will include the Stohess arc, more pain, angst, an argument with Erwin, and an important moment with Levi. 
> 
> Also, It's my birthday today! :D Yay!


	20. Strife

Blair waited an hour for you to return to start the meeting which you never did. She met up with Alice and they went looking for you. Entering Hange’s study they found Moblit asleep with his head on the desk while you were asleep on a pile of books. You had two more shots after the first four and were able to outdrink him. Hange entered carrying two blankets and stood between Blair and Alice. 

“It was a hard day for everyone,” Hange said. “We should let them rest.” 

Alice nodded in agreement and took one of the blankets from Hange. She draped it over Moblit who smiled in his sleep. Blair put the other blanket over you and Hange looked down at you with a worried expression. 

“Let’s hope this was just a slip up,” Hange thought. “You’ll get through this. You always do.”

The next day you woke up with a hangover and so did Moblit. Your body hurt from your injuries but the way you slept didn't help at all. Regardless of your hangover and pain, you met with Blair and Alice to have your short meeting. You tried your best to be encouraging and look strong for them.

“The squad members we lost will never be replaced… But we will rebuild this team… For now, it will just be us three working closely with Commander Erwin and the special operations squad. We have a lot to do so I need you to give it your all…”  
“Yes ma’am.” 

You thought that was good enough but it wasn't what you really wanted to say about what happened. You were still processing the events and asking yourself over and over what you could have done to save them. Last night, Erwin had a meeting about what they planned to do in Stohess which you also missed. Armin figured out the identity of the Female Titan which was Annie Leonhart. Levi briefed you on everything you needed to know while Erwin made the necessary preparations.

“Military Police, huh?” you commented dryly. “Why am I not surprised.”  
“Who knows if they have it in for us, doesn't matter, the point is we’re going to capture her.”  
“Oh great, but that won’t bring anyone back, will it?”  
“That’s not the goal here. We’re not trying to avenge anyone.”  
“Do you miss them, Levi?”

Levi was caught off guard by your abrupt question and didn't know how to respond. He stayed silent with the same stony expression on his face. You weren't satisfied with his silence and wanted to him express some sort of human emotion. 

“What about Petra?”  
“…”  
“Was she special to you?”  
“…”  
“You can tell me.” 

You hit a nerve and Levi remembered everything Petra’s father told him. You were trying to pull out of him what he wanted to keep suppressed. 

“I’m not here to talk about the dead,” Levi snapped. “They’re dead, leave them alone.”  
“Do you think Eren realizes all of our lives depend on him?”  
“I don’t know, I’m not Eren. Ask him yourself.”  
“All of us are risking everything for one brat… What a cruel joke.”  
“Let me guess,” Levi said interrupting your train of thought. “First you were blaming yourself and now you’re blaming him. Eren didn’t kill them and neither did you. Quit moping.”  
“I’m not moping.”  
“Hange says you’re drinking again.”  
“Yeah, so? Got a problem?”  
“It won’t help,” Levi warned you. “You’ll just drink yourself into the ground.”  
“Well, it doesn't really matter anymore, does it?”  
“Tch. Fine, do what you want but don’t expect me to come to your funeral.”  
“I can’t remember the last time one of our soldiers had a proper funeral… That would be nice,” you smiled sadly. “I’d like a lot of flowers… Pretty ones… Pink and purple… And yellow.”  
“Just stop talking.” 

Levi didn't like the way you were fantasizing about your death like it was your wedding. He walked off with a bad taste left in his mouth from the conversation. He knew you weren't alright but no one was. Everyone was doing their best to just keep it together, including him.

The next day, Erwin’s plan was set into motion as they made their way to the capital. You were still injured and could not directly participate. Instead, Alice and Blair were acting on your behalf and had the orders to watch from above. You were undercover dressed as a citizen and followed the carriage carrying Jean. He was wearing a wig pretending to be Eren as the real one tried to lure Annie into a trap. You also had your eyes on the carriage Erwin and Levi were riding in. 

Everything was going well up until the point where the worst case scenario became reality. Annie transformed causing Erwin’s original plan to go out the window. Hange’s team tried to capture her but that failed as well. Now, Erwin had to rely on Eren to take care of the problem. Things got out of hand very quickly and both of your soldiers came to report the situation to you. 

“Eren and The Female Titan are rampaging through the city,” Blair said.  
“Bring me my ODM gear.”  
“But you’re still injured,” Alice reminded you.  
“It doesn't matter.”  
“Yes, Ma’am…” 

They brought you the ODM gear which you put on quickly. It was strange wearing the gear with a dress but that was the least of your concerns right now. When you caught up to Erwin he was being held at gunpoint. You approached them and were about to raise your sword but Levi stopped you from making matters worse. Your need to protect Erwin constantly was reminiscent of Mikasa’s desire to protect Eren.

You were forced to stay put and listening to Erwin’s response to Nile horrified you. It almost seemed like he had no concern for the lives lost in the battle. He also was gambling with his own life counting on the fact that Nile wouldn't shoot him. To you, this wasn't just reckless, it was careless. Nile was angry and he had every right to be angry, you were angry too. This was not what you signed up for. 

Nile eventually lowered his gun and so did the others. Erwin was being arrested by him and at that point, Levi could not hold you back anymore. 

“Erwin!” you yelled angrily.  
“If you are able then assist with the capture,” he told you.  
“But the city…”  
“That’s an order.”

You heard the battle in the distance and and saw the dust rise up from the wreckage. You clenched your fists and your teeth feeling conflicted between obeying him or rebelling.

“I refuse,” you finally forced yourself to say. 

Erwin didn't react to your refusal but Levi was surprised. It wasn’t easy for you to do that. It hurt to do that but you thought it was the right thing to do. You looked at Nile and addressed him directly.

“Sir, I find the Military Police to be a disgrace, and as far as I’m concerned you are a joke.”  
“Excuse me?” Nile responded offended.  
“But I’ll lend the Military Police my services temporarily so we can evacuate the citizens quickly. My two soldiers and I will prioritize small children and those who have been injured. We’ll save as many as we can.” 

Levi thought he would never see the day you would turn your back on Erwin to team up with the Military Police. You hated them with a burning passion but you hated death and destruction even more.

“Hey,” Levi barked at you. “You can’t just do whatever you want. You have your orders.”  
“Are you gonna stop me, Levi?”  
“I might just have to.”  
“Try it.”

Levi approached you from behind and turned you around to face him. Erwin needed to deescalate the tension rising between you and Levi quickly before it got ugly.

“I’ll allow it,” Erwin said. “You are permitted to assist the Military Police in evacuating the citizens.”  
“Yes, Sir.” 

You ran off and ordered Blair and Alice to help you rescue civilians trapped under the debris. You put yourself and them at risk since any of you could be flattened in an instant. Erwin was composed but on the inside, he was not pleased with you for forcing him into an ultimatum. Levi was also annoyed with you for selfishly abandoning Erwin’s plan. Stohess was the last straw for you and Erwin. Your trust in each other came crumbling down along with the buildings. 

When the battle was over it turned out to be practically pointless since Annie crystallized herself. The beneficial thing about the battle was learning there were titans inside the walls but that still wasn't enough to justify all the casualties, not to you at least. During the search and rescue, you found a child who’s skull was smashed by the debris. The sight made you drop to your knees and vomit.

“We did this,” you thought. “It’s our fault…”

Erwin was summoned by the council to explain himself. He just barely convinced them the casualties were necessary and that Eren should be left with them. He led the troops out of Stohess to Ehrmich after receiving a report that Wall Rose was invaded. From Ehrmich the scouts returned to Trost and you were running on empty. Eventually, Erwin sent a messenger to inform you that he wanted to have a word. You thought he forgot all about what you did, at least that’s what you were hoping for. You were escorted by the messenger to the room he was staying in. 

“You summoned me?”  
“I did.”  
“Oh so formal,” you spitefully joked. “What? Your legs hurt? Can’t come get me yourself, Mr. Commander?” 

Erwin brushed off your taunt to focus on the matter at hand. He refused to give in to his emotions and get angry.

“I’ll make this brief.”  
“Brief huh? What’s new…”  
“Pout all you want,” he said sternly. “It doesn't change the fact that you went rogue and defied my orders. I can have you detained for that.”  
“Do it, I dare you.”

Erwin crossed his arms and gave you a stern look. You crossed your arms and looked up at him unintimidated. As expected, neither of you were going to back down.

“I won’t detain you but I am suspending you until further notice.”  
“What?”  
“You are irrational and unpredictable. It’s obvious you’re incapable of giving and receiving orders in your current state.”  
“I did what I thought was right!” you yelled. “What you did in Stohess was wrong!”  
“I did what was necessary.”  
“Killing civilians was necessary!?”  
“I already explained myself to the council. I do not need to explain myself to you.”  
“You killed people, Erwin! Men, women, and children!”  
“I am aware.”  
“Why doesn't that bother you!? Why!?”  
“Our relationship does not grant you special privileges. You do not get to openly defy my orders or question my decisions as a Commander, end of discussion.”  
“How far will you go?”  
“I will continue to do whatever is necessary.”  
“But at what cost?”  
“There is no cost too great for humanity’s future.” 

You’ve heard him say similar things before but it didn't cause any concern until now. Today was Stohess, tomorrow another city could be in ruins because of his ambitions. The worst part for you was that he showed no remorse for all that was done. 

“When did you become such a cold hearted bastard!?”  
“I was always this way. Nothing has changed.”  
“You weren’t!”  
“You only saw what you wanted to see.”  
“All my life… I was surrounded by men who were monsters… You were supposed to be different! You were kind and thoughtful! Warm and loving! Now, I don’t know what you are…”

There was no change in Erwin’s expression at your pained words. The real issue here was that you felt betrayed by him. He could see that’s where all the hostility came from.

“You are disappointed because you’ve realized I am not who you thought I was. It was your mistake for idealizing me in the first place. I am not a perfect person nor am I a good person. I always do what is necessary for humanity, nothing more and nothing less.” 

Erwin ripped off the bandaid on your heart swiftly and without apology. His words were harsh and hard to hear.

“Your other mistake was letting your feelings for me cloud your judgment. If you can no longer differentiate who I am as your Commander and who I am as your lover then it is time we end our agreement.”  
“…Is that what you want?”  
“I don’t regret the time we spent together but it is no longer working for multiple reasons,” Erwin said calmly. “I’ve been meaning to tell you this for some time. This conversation was long overdue.”

You clenched your fists as you started to tear up. You were already heartbroken and this was the finishing blow to whatever was left of you. Erwin turned around and faced the wall still with his arms crossed.

“Your suspension is effective immediately,” he said coldly. “You will not participate in any matters concerning the Scout Regiment. You are also prohibited from embarking on any expeditions or missions.”  
“You’re punishing me…”  
“I’m doing what needs to be done.”  
“Fuck you.”

Erwin remained faced away from you and heard the door slam loudly. He did his best to control the situation but he couldn't prevent the bitter aftertaste. He wondered if he could have handled that better. You might have thought otherwise but his heart was broken too. You were the first and only person he ever had a relationship with. You at his side made hell just a little bit easier. He was the last person who wanted to hurt you. Erwin punched the wall once out of frustration before composing himself.

Not long after that you came completely undone and tried to find relief at the bottom of the bottle. The room you were staying in was torn apart in drunken rage and grief. Hours later you had absolutely no idea what was happening with the Colossal Titan, Armored Titan, and Eren. So many other things were happening at the moment that you couldn't currently handle.

Alice and Blair tried to inform you of what happened and asked you for orders. They didn't know you were suspended yet and repeatedly asked you for orders. There was no response from you and they tried several times knocking on the door. At one point, they wondered if you were even in there. Meanwhile, Erwin led the soldiers to the Forest of Giant Trees to rescue Eren without his best officers. Hange was burned from the Colossal Titan, Miche was dead, and Levi was still recovering from his injury. 

Out of desperation, Blair and Alice came to get Levi. They were aware you two were close and there was a good chance he could snap you out of it. 

“Captain Levi,” Alice said. “We need your help…”  
“What is it?”  
“Our Captain is unresponsive,” Blair said. “She won’t answer us, we don't even know if she is alive. We’re in the dark.”  
“We know this isn't your responsibility,” Alice said. “But please help us…”  
“I’ll handle it.” 

Alice and Blair escorted Levi to the room you were staying in. He banged on the door with authority and called out your name. There was no response from you which annoyed him. He thought you were purposely ignoring them. 

“First you go against Erwin’s orders and then you run away with your tail between your legs? What the hell is the matter with you?”  
“…”  
“You missed a lot of shit. Why don't you come on out and join the party.”  
“…”  
“You have two soldiers here who are worried about you and I got better things to do than this.”  
“…”  
“In fact, if it wasn't for this damn injury I’d be there with Erwin trying to rescue Eren but instead I have to be a babysitter for a grown ass woman. I mean, you are an adult, right? Because right now, you’re acting like a damn child.”  
“…”  
“You’re just a scared little girl trying to be a grown up. Admit it. You’re pathetic.” 

Levi was trying to piss you off enough to get you to open the door. It wasn’t working which was starting to concern him. If you heard any of that you would have swung the door open and punched him right in the face.

“Don’t be a coward. Get your ass out here, now.”  
“…”  
“Open the damn door or I’m breaking it down,” Levi said more sternly. “I’m not warning you again.” 

Levi instructed Alice and Blair to stand back when there was still no response. Using his uninjured leg he started to kick the door in. It took a few kicks for him to break the door down. The three of them entered the room and saw it was destroyed. You were sitting on the floor with many empty bottles near you. Your eyes were vacant as you looked down not even acknowledging their presence. 

“Captain…” Alice and Blair said simultaneously.  
“Give us some time,” Levi told them.  
“Yes, Sir.” 

Alice and Blair obeyed Levi and immediately left the room. He approached you and kicked the bottles to the side with his foot. 

“You know, this really takes me back,” he said looking down at you. “Back to the Underground when there was nothing better for people to do than get drunk and die.” 

Levi got on one knee in front of you and put a hand on your shoulder. You continued to stare at the floor intently.

“I need you to come back to us,” he said in a softer tone. “I know you’re still there.”

You heard him this time and looked up. Your vacant eyes regained just a little light. 

“How lon, Levi?”  
“…”  
“How lon do we have to pre-tend we’re fine for?”  
“…”  
“How lon do we have to suffer for? When… When can we just die?”  
“You want to die?”  
“Yes…”  
“Sorry, but you can’t die yet,” Levi said bluntly. “Deal with it.” 

You looked down again disappointed that you had to carry on. Surprisingly, Levi pulled you into a hug. He never hugged anyone and hated being touched. Your eyes welled up with tears again and you began to cry into his shoulder. He felt your pain and gave you the chance to let it out. He supported the back of your head with his hand as you cried. You started to use his jacket as a tissue which disgusted him but not enough to push you away completely. 

He pulled back and got a handkerchief out of his pocket and gave it to you. You looked at the handkerchief which had an L embroidered on it. 

“Here, use that instead of me.”

Levi had a very chivalrous quality to him despite being coarse most of the time. Your gaze went from the handkerchief to him. You were focused on his face, particularly his lips, which seemed desirable now. You wanted him to take your pain away and leaned in to kiss him. Levi instinctively pulled his head to the side avoiding the kiss. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he asked sternly.  
“Make me feel good, Levi,” you whispered.

Levi wasn't exactly surprised you were coming onto him but it didn't make the position he was in any easier. A lesser man would have taken you up on your offer. Levi had a lot of respect for you and he was not going to take advantage of a woman who was too intoxicated to consent. Even if you were sober he still wouldn't indulge you. He wouldn’t stab Erwin in the back and assist in your self sabotage. You attempted to caress the side of his face and he grabbed your wrist.

“I wan-na make you feel good too…”  
“Stop it,” Levi said sternly. “I mean it.”  
“You’re hot when you’re mad,” you giggled.  
“And you’re stupid when you’re drunk.” 

Your other hand went to caress his thigh and he grabbed that wrist too. Levi held both of your wrists and made it clear he wasn't playing around with you. He looked at you dead serious and you stopped trying to seduce him.

“Erwin loves you.”  
“…”  
“And you love him.”  
“…”  
“Are you really gonna throw all that away? And for what? A cheap thrill? A good time? Is it worth it?” 

Levi reminded you of Erwin and reopened the wound in your heart. You were certain that Erwin, at least the Erwin you fell in love with, was gone. 

“I lost him… Levi.”  
“The only thing you’ve lost is your mind.”  
“I LOST EVERYTHING!”

You ripped your wrists away from him and and fell back due to the momentum. You laid on your back and lazily threw your arm over your eyes. 

“You’re wrong,” he said looking at you. “You didn't lose everything, not yet at least.”  
“…”  
“We've got bigger problems to worry about than your love life but if you think I’m just going to let you throw everything you’ve worked for down the toilet you've got another thing coming.”  
“…”  
“You’re better than this.” 

Levi picked you up from the floor and carried you to your bed. It felt familiar, almost like déjà vu. He laid you on the bed gently and then walked towards the broken door. 

“Now shut up and go to bed,” he demanded.  
“O-Okay…” 

You rolled over to the side and closed your eyes falling asleep almost instantly as Levi left the room. You were worn out emotionally and physically and it hurt him to see you like that. He approached Alice and Blair waiting for him in the hallway. 

“Keep an eye on her,” Levi ordered. “Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.”  
“Yes, Sir,” they both said.  
“Captain Levi,” Alice said. “Is she going to be okay?”  
“She’ll be fine. She’s just tired of all this like the rest of us. Give her some time.”  
“Thank you so much, Sir.” 

Levi gave them a nod and walked away leaving you in their care. He realized that deep down he still loved you. He would always be there for you but he wouldn't be your replacement boyfriend. That, he couldn't do for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nobody panic! Erwin and Reader will come to an understanding but my god that was hard to write :( 
> 
> The next chapter will be a cool down from all the angst and Erwin in the hospital. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been supporting this fic so far :) We still got a long way to go but we're getting closer to the ending!


	21. Closure

The next day you woke up with your muscles aching and your head spinning. As usual, you threw up in a bucket that was left for you. The room was cleaned up for the most part and the bottles were thrown away. After throwing up you reached for the handkerchief left on the broken night table to wipe your mouth. You saw the L embroidered in the corner and recognized it as Levi’s handkerchief. That made you internally panic and wonder why his handkerchief was here. Your initial thought was that you two had sex. You were only able to remember short visions here and there while rubbing your forehead. 

You recalled being in his arms and flirting with him but beyond that, you had some trouble. Your distorted thoughts were interrupted when Alice and Blair entered the room. They were relieved to see you were finally awake and asked you how you were feeling. You told them you didn't feel very good and Alice sat on the edge of the bed next to you. The look on her face was somber and concerning. 

“We have something to tell you,” Alice said softly.   
“Okay… What is it?”   
“It’s… Well…”   
“Spit it out already…”   
“It’s Commander Erwin,” Blair said bluntly. “He’s alive but he’s unconscious and wounded.”

Your heart dropped hearing that and the look of distress on your face was evident. Alice sighed and was a little annoyed with Blair for scaring you. She wanted to avoid that but there was no easy way to say this. They went into further detail explaining to you everything that occurred while you were incapacitated. It took some time to explain the full story and you waited anxiously for them to get to the part about Erwin. You learned that during the rescue he lost his right arm and was currently in a coma. When they were finished bringing you up to speed you instantly threw the covers off of yourself. Alice reached out to you to stop you from getting up and Blair came closer to assist her. 

“I need to go,” you protested.  
“You need to rest.”   
“No, I need to go now!”   
“We can’t let you do that,” Alice said sternly. “I’m sorry, but you’re in no condition to be moving around quickly. We’re going to take care of you first and then you can visit Commander Erwin.”   
“But I need to be there…”   
“And you will, don’t worry.”   
“It’s not your job to take care of me…”   
“No, but we are worried about you.”   
“You’ve shouldered a lot, Captain,” Blair interjected. “We thank you for staying strong for us, now let us help you.”   
“Please stop calling me that… I… I’m not your Captain anymore… I’ve been suspended…” 

You looked down feeling ashamed for your actions and your suspension. They looked at each other and then back at you. 

“I don't think it matters,” Alice said. “You’ll always be our Captain whether you’re active or not.”   
“But—”  
“No buts,” Blair said. “It’s true.”  
“I’m sorry I wasn't a good Captain… You two deserved a better leader.”  
“On the contrary,” Blair corrected you. “You’re one of the few superior officers who see us as people and not just soldiers who are expendable. You're in pain because you care about us. I’ll gladly give my life for someone who values it.” 

Alice nodded in agreement with Blair about your leadership. Their loyalty to you was so strong that you were at a loss for words. They retained a high level of respect for you even after witnessing your emotional breakdown. 

“I’ll go get you some breakfast so you can recover your strength,” Alice said.   
“After that, I’ll escort you to the showers,” Blair said.   
“Thank you…” 

You were incredibly grateful for them and wanted to set a better example which meant getting your drinking under control again. After you ate breakfast and cleaned yourself up you went to the hospital. They insisted on coming with you but you told them you wanted to go alone. They respected your wishes since this was a personal matter. You entered Erwin’s room and gasped at the sight of him. His eyes were closed as the pillow cradled his head. What was left of his right arm was bandaged. You approached him slowly in disbelief that this wounded soldier was him.

“Erwin… I’m so sorry…” 

The guilt started to weigh on you while you observed him. You thought if you were there maybe this would have been prevented. You cursed yourself for not being there to protect him. All the anger and resentment you felt towards him previously was gone. Your heart cried out for him. It frightened you that your last words to him could have been “fuck you.” You grasped his remaining hand and laced your fingers with his. You kissed his hand and then pressed it against your forehead while you teared up. 

“I’m sorry… Please wake up… Please.” 

You said sorry over and over but there was no response. You stayed at his side with his hand pressed against your forehead. Tears slipped out of your eyes while you worried about him. Eventually, you gently put his hand down and left him alone. There was nothing you could do but wait for him to wake up. Reluctantly, you left the room and ran into Levi who was coming to see him. You weren't prepared to see him yet but here he was. 

“Hey…”   
“Hey.” 

It was tense and awkward which only supported your theory. You stood there silently as he waited for you to get out of the way. 

“…You’re here to see Erwin?” you asked him.   
“Yeah.”   
“I should have been there… Damnit…”  
“Don’t start. It’s not your fault.”   
“But if I wasn't drunk—”  
“You were injured anyway so it didn't matter. Quit trying to blame yourself.”   
“But I um— I— We— Can we um… Can we talk? Please?”  
“Well I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” 

Levi let you lead the way and you left the hospital with him. Outside you stood across from each other while you tried to figure out how to start this conversation. You thought it would be a lot easier if he wasn't staring at you with that blank expression. It was hard to tell what he was thinking with that look.

“So I um… I remembered some things…”   
“I’m surprised you remembered anything at all with how shit faced you got.”   
“Well— I um…”  
“Look, if you’re trying to work your way up to an apology don’t bother. You were upset, it happens. It’s proof you’re still a human being.”  
“But we didn't um— You know…”   
“Do I look like a pig to you?” he said with a hand on his hip. “Really?”

His sarcastic answer put you at ease. You were relieved you didn't do anything you would later regret. It was a good thing you were with Levi of all people. If this were a bar and he was a stranger the outcome may have been different. You thought you owed him some sort of explanation for your behavior. 

“Erwin broke up with me…” you admitted.   
“Yeah, no shit, I got that part.”   
“He also suspended me…”  
“Good.”   
“Good!?” you yelled. “What do you mean good!?”  
“What? You thought there wouldn't be consequences for what you pulled in Stohess?”  
“I know I was out of line but I’m not useless… I can still fight.”  
“No, you can’t.”  
“Levi.”  
“He’s right. You’re done.”   
“I’m not done… This is only temporary.”  
“You were a few drinks away from the grave. You’re done.”  
“Tch. So what do I do now that I’m suspended? Just hang out while you and everyone else fight for our future?”  
“Well, you can twiddle your thumbs and pick your nose or you can try to get your shit together.”   
“…”   
“You probably already know they sent the refugees from Wall Rose to the Underground. You’ll find her there.” 

Levi was eluding to you going to see your mother which you still didn't want to do. You couldn't speak to Erwin at the moment but there were plenty of other things in your life that you needed to sort out.

“No thanks,” you said with a scoff.  
“I’ve seen you single handily take out Titans and make grown men cry. You can handle one old hag, can't you?”   
“Levi, you don’t understand…”   
“What? You think you’re the only one that’s been abandoned?” 

You were surprised he said that but he didn’t elaborate. Levi looked away from you trying to suppress the memories that were surfacing. He carried his burdens well and you envied his strength. Most of the time he tried not to think about his past. He focused on his job and his orders, that kept him sane. For a second, he almost looked sad but soon it was gone.

“I get it,” Levi said looking at you again, “You’re scared but scared of what? What the hell can she do to you now? What can she take?” 

You never thought about it like that before. Being near her turned you back into a child but there was no reason to be afraid or nervous. There was nothing left for you to lose. It was time to confront her and inform her about her son’s death.

“Think the MPs guarding the stairwells will give me some trouble?”   
“Probably, but you’ll figure it out. That’s your specialty.”   
“Wanna come? It could be fun,” you sadly joked. “I’ll hold them down and you punch.”   
“Tempting,” Levi joked back. “But no. I’ve seen enough of that place and I’m not going to hold your hand.”   
“Yeah, I know…”   
“You’ll be fine. Just get it over with already.” 

Levi encouraged you to do what you needed to do to help yourself. When he thought the conversation was finished he walked away. You remembered you still had his handkerchief and called out to him.

“Wait, Levi— I almost forgot.”   
“What is it?” he said turning around.   
“I think this belongs to you.” 

You took his handkerchief out of your pocket and approached him again. It was wrinkled instead of neatly folded as it should have been. He looked at it but didn't take it back from you. 

“Keep it if you want, I don’t really care.”  
“I could, but I don’t think I should…” 

You giving him his handkerchief back was your way of saying you weren't giving up on Erwin to pursue him. He understood that and took the handkerchief back from you. He was glad you came to that conclusion.

“Thanks, Levi,” you smiled. “For such a small man you sure have a big heart.”   
“Oh, we’re back to the short jokes, huh?”   
“Yeah, and there’s more where that came from!” 

Levi sighed and smiled sightly which was a rare sight. You two were in a good place and things were back to normal for the most part. Levi gave you a pat on the shoulder and then went back into the hospital. 

Before going to the Underground there was one other person you wanted to speak with. When Adam died Jean was just as upset as you were. You thought he must have been close to him if he had that strong of a reaction. You found him tending to the horses with Armin who politely left understanding you wanted to have a word with Jean.

“So you and Adam were friends, right?”   
“Yeah… I grew up with him, why?”  
“What was he like?”   
“Why are you asking me that? You saw him for yourself, you know what he was like.”   
“Was he happy?”   
“What?”  
“Did he have a good childhood?”   
“Tch. What’s with all these questions!? What the hell is the point of this!?” 

You gave Jean a deadpan stare and he realized he was yelling at a superior officer again. He also remembered what happened the last time he did that and braced for impact. You noticed the subject of Adam agitated him and you eased up slightly. 

“Sorry for making you upset again,” you said calmly. “You see, Adam was my brother so I’m just trying to put the pieces together. I didn't get a chance to know him so maybe you could tell me some things I didn't know.”   
“Your brother?”   
“I won’t go into any details about our relation. I just want to know a little bit about him, that’s all.” 

Jean settled down after you told him the truth. He respected your decision and didn't ask any further questions about how you two were related. That part wasn't any of his business. What you wanted was simple enough for him to humor you. 

“Well, he was a huge nerd,” Jean said recalling his childhood. “He had good grades but he was clueless when it came to anything that required hand eye coordination… He couldn't catch a ball to save his life… Still, he always wanted to be a scout, even as a kid…”   
“What else?”   
“He always did his chores and actually liked doing the laundry… I caught him sniffing the linens a few times, honestly, I thought he was a real weirdo…”   
“What else?”  
“He looked up to me way too much… I don’t know what I did to make him think I was someone worth following around… Seriously, why? What was it that was so damn special about me? I was just a nobody… He was the special one, not me.”

Jean put a hand on his forehead and clenched it tightly as he wrestled with his feelings. He still wasn't sure what he felt towards him, he didn't have the time to figure it out, but it was obvious to you. You knew what heartbreak looked like firsthand. 

“You know,” you said regaining his attention. “I’m getting the sense you were more than just friends…”   
“W-What?”   
“Am I wrong?”   
“I’m not— I don’t—- What’s your problem!?”   
“It doesn't take much to set you off, huh?”  
“Tch. I don’t need this… Can I go now?”

Jean looked to the side flustered by the conversation. He was certain he liked girls but it was becoming clearer to him why he became so angry when Adam risked his life. Now that he came to that realization there was nothing he could do about it. He agonized over the fact that he couldn't tell him that he felt the same way despite liking Mikasa. You thought he was a little young to be dealing with love and loss like this but he wasn't a child. None of the former cadets were children anymore. You decided to give him some time and space to sort this out. 

“Thanks for talking to me, I appreciate it.”   
“Wait— That was it?”  
“That’s all I needed. I’m glad he had a good life and a good friend.”   
“I wasn't a good friend…”  
“Oh quit beating yourself up,” you said irritated. “Your self loathing is starting to get annoying… I don’t know what he saw in you but there must of been something there worthwhile. If you don’t like yourself then become someone you can be proud of.”

Your advice to him was the same advice you gave to yourself. It hit Jean hard as he reflected on himself. He vowed to become the person that Marco and Adam thought he was, a strong leader with a good heart. Even you saw that he had potential as a soldier. If you weren't currently suspended, you would have recruited him for your squad. It was better that he stayed with his friends under Levi’s leadership anyway. You left Jean with his thoughts to continue your personal quest. 

The next day you traveled to Wall Sina and went to the Underground where you were stopped at the stairwell. You were wearing a teeshirt and pants instead of your scout uniform. An attempt was made to casually enter without any trouble but you were noticed by one of the Military Police officers guarding the stairwell. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked you.   
“Just visiting a friend,” you smiled. “Is that okay?”  
“We have enough people down here as it is. If you’re not with the military police and you’re not a refugee then get lost.”   
“My goodness, is that any way to talk to a lady?” 

The officer wasn't buying into your charms which meant you had to change your approach. You reached into your pocket and the guard readied his rifle. You had some money folded which you held between two fingers. 

“For your troubles,” you said slyly. “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.” 

The guard tucked the rifle under his arm and took the money you slipped him. He counted it in front of you and then put it away. 

“Fine, go ahead.”   
“Thank you very much.”

This time, you played by their rules to avoid any conflict. You knew how to speak their language to get what you needed. You walked down the stairwell with the light from above fading behind you. Once you entered the underground you saw the chaos for yourself. The refugees were sprawled throughout the city and were mixed in with the citizens living there. The Military Police were trying to hand out provisions and keep everyone calm. Walking through the underground city you heard people shouting at one another. A baby that a woman was carrying started crying. It was truly heartbreaking to see but you pressed on. 

“How am I gonna find her?” you thought. “I’m looking for a needle in a haystack.” 

You kept walking and saw a line of people waiting to get food from the Military Police. A woman was handed a piece of bread and then turned around. You realized it was her and waited for her to come closer. You resolved to see his through and not run away this time. When she finally looked up and saw you she stopped walking and stared at you. When you were ready you approached her slowly. 

“I haven't been down here in a while,” you said casually. “It didn't change other than the fact that it’s flooded now…”   
“…”   
“A friend of mine lived here his whole life. Imagine that, living down here your whole life without any way out.”   
“…”   
“But don’t get me wrong, being dirt poor on the surface isn't exactly easy. Either way, you gotta do some bad shit to survive. Steal, screw, lie, kill, take your pick.” 

Your mother looked away and avoided eye contact. She didn't want to hear it but she was going to hear it. You thought the least she could do is listen to you, she owed you that much. 

“…What do you want from me?” she asked timidly.   
“Nothing really, I just want to talk.”   
“…”  
“So, where’s your husband?”  
“…”  
“Why isn't he with you?”  
“…”   
“Say something, damnit.”   
“He… Left me…”   
“So you’re alone?”   
“Yes…” 

Learning that your mother lost everything didn’t quite satisfy you. You didn't crave revenge, that wasn't the point of finding her. Still, it was hard to feel sympathy towards her.

“Now I know what you’re thinking,” you said calmly. “You’re thinking about when your next meal is going to come or how long you’re going to be down here for. You’re terrified because you have no idea what’s going to happen next. You're just another poor soul trapped in a sea of pour souls. No one cares if you live or die. It wouldn't matter to anyone.”  
“…”  
“What you’re feeling right now, that’s what I felt my whole life.” 

Your mother was horrified by what you said and by the place she was in now. A fight broke out between two men nearby. You causally observed them as she clutched the piece of bread fearing for her life. She starting tearing up and you remained indifferent. 

“I’m so sorry…” she cried. “I’m so sorry!”   
“No, you’re not,” you sternly corrected her. “You’re not sorry because you were presented with a choice. Everyone has to make hard choices and you went with what you wanted the most. You wanted to be happy and free but the cost was high, yet you paid it anyway. You knew what you were giving up.” 

Your mother’s eyes widened and she stared down at the piece of bread. You weren't angry anymore but you wanted her to understand there was nothing she could do or say to justify her actions. 

“I still have regrets…” she said softly.  
“Do you regret leaving my father?”   
“No…”   
“Do you regret living your life?”  
“No.”  
“Do you regret having Adam?”   
“No, never…”  
“Then you can’t say sorry to me. You got everything you wanted until you didn't have it anymore. That’s the truth.” 

She didn't want to admit you were right even if that was true. Her guilt wasn't remorse and any attempt at an apology would be meaningless. You had no time for tears or apologies. 

“Adam was a good kid, brave and selfless, an amazing soldier. He was beloved and admired by his comrades.”   
“…”  
“I don’t know how you raised such an amazing young man, but you should be proud of him. The world would be a better place with more people like him.” 

Your mother was surprised to hear you say that and then nodded in agreement. It was clear she loved him very much, even if the love she showed him was out of guilt for leaving you behind. You gave her a moment of silence to process Adam’s death but it would take more time than that. You accomplished what you came here to do and it felt liberating. 

“When I leave I’ll be leaving all of this behind me,” you said. “So is there anything you have to say before I go?”   
“Please, don’t go…” 

Your mother held onto your arm like a frightened child begging you not to go. That almost angered you enough to snap. Instead of getting angry, you thought of what Erwin would say in this situation and chose your words carefully. 

“When Wall Rose is deemed safe you’ll return to the surface. For now, put your faith in the soldiers who are fighting for your survival. There will be a day where humanity will thrive once again.”

You restrained yourself and therefore maintained full control over the situation. Your mother let go of your arm and you left her with that. It was a victory for you to finally confront her without losing control. When you returned to Erwin’s bedside your head was clear and you felt free of the weights that were tied to your ankles all this time. 

You sat in a chair near him and wrote in your journal. You hoped he would wake up from his coma soon and when he did you would be ready to listen. You loved him too much to leave things as they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be more injured Erwin, reader's discussion with him, and the beginning of the Uprising arc :)


	22. Healing

One week later the refugees sent to the Underground were sent back to the surface when Wall Rose was deemed safe. Your mother left the Underground but she had nowhere to go since she relied entirely on her husband’s income to sustain herself. After getting closure you were entirely focused on Erwin’s health. You came every day to sit with him and write. Sometimes you read out loud hoping he would respond but he never did. You weren't sure if he could hear you in his coma but it was a valiant effort. Your comrades were impressed with your devotion to the dear Commander. One night, you even slept in the chair and refused to go home. Alice came to get you and took you home so you could get some rest.

Eventually, Erwin awoke and was brought up to speed on everything that transpired while he was in his coma. Levi and Commander Pyxis met with Erwin and were interrupted by Hange and Connie. Hange had a theory that the titans within Wall Rose came from Ragako and that they were once human. This theory disturbed Levi but Erwin was delighted that they were getting closer and closer to the truth. Levi caught him smiling and called him out on it. He hated that deranged look on his face. After that, Levi left the room as you were entering the hospital. You yawned still feeling a little tired from your restless sleep. He stopped in the hallway when you approached him. 

“Hey, how is he?” you asked Levi.  
“Who the hell knows…”  
“Huh?”  
“It’s nothing, he’s fine.”  
“Is he awake?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Why didn't you tell me!?”  
“I thought you knew.”  
“I just got here!”  
“Well, are you gonna waste time arguing with me, or are you gonna go see him?” 

Without another word, you rushed to Erwin’s room. Levi almost felt bad for you fretting over Erwin so much. On top of that, being suspended caused you to fall out of the loop. You knew nothing of what they learned from Ragako. 

“She’s in her own little world,” Levi thought. “She has no idea what’s going on, maybe it’s better that way.”

Levi didn't know what your reaction would be if you learned you were killing innocent people all this time. He remembered the way you reacted to the catastrophe the Survey Corps caused in Stohess. He believed you had a good but fragile heart. He would never forget the way you looked when you asked him when you could finally die. Sorting out your personal issues didn't guarantee that you wouldn't fall apart again. Levi thought that this vicious cycle of you being broken apart and put back together needed to end.

You entered Erwin’s room and found him sitting up wide awake. He had the same serious look on his face as always except he looked even more intense now. His hair was disheveled and he grew a beard in his sleep. Erwin turned his head in your direction as you waited in the doorway.

“Can I… Come in?” you asked hesitantly.  
“Of course.”  
You entered the room and sat down with your hands clenched over your thighs. You weren't quite sure what to say now that he was awake. That argument was by far the worst altercation you two ever had. Some couples fought over trivial subjects like what to cook for dinner. Your arguments were about life and death. Erwin’s role as Commander hindered your relationship but you couldn't change that. You couldn't ask him to stop leading the fight for humanity, you weren't that selfish. All you could do now was listen and try to make amends. 

“How do you feel?” you asked him with a forced smile.  
“I feel fine.”  
“Erwin… You lost your arm.”  
“It’s just an arm.”  
“No, it’s not.”  
“It is.”  
“You could have died! And I wasn't there…” 

You promised yourself before coming here that you wouldn't get emotional but there was no holding back the tears. You put your hands over your eyes sobbing into them. The guilt you felt was immense.

“I wasn't there for you…” you repeated. “I wasn’t!”  
“There is no reason to cry.”  
“Erwin… I just— I…”  
“Please, there’s no need.”  
“I’m sorry, please forgive me…”  
“No, I owe you an apology.” 

You looked up from your tear stained hands a little surprised to hear him say that. Erwin put his hand out to you gesturing for you to come towards him. You got up from the chair and came to him. He put his hand on the side of your face and held it firmly in his palm. 

“I was cruel to you,” Erwin said sincerely. “I neglected your feelings, but just because you are not my current priority doesn't mean I stopped loving you. I never stopped.”  
“Erwin…”  
“Now, I can admit my shortcomings as a lover but I will not admit any wrongdoing as a Commander. What occurred in Stohess was necessary because the alternative was much worse. I always consider all parties and all options, you know that.”  
“I should have tried to understand that… But I was just so angry and disgusted by what I saw.”  
“Your emotions were heightened by your grief. I understand that.” 

You accepted Erwin’s apology and prepared yourself to say everything that needed to be said. You were ready to tell him it all, the good and the bad. You pulled his hand off of the side of your face and held it. 

“Speaking of my grief… While you were recovering I was able to sort some things out.”  
“How so?”  
“I found my mother and spoke to her… I don’t forgive her but I’m not angry anymore… I guess you could say I’m at peace with it.”  
“That’s very good,” Erwin commended you. “I’m proud of you for doing that.”  
“But I was only able to do that after I fell back into my old habits. Levi reminded me I still had a reason to live and told me to get my shit together. I’m here talking to you now because of him.”  
“It sounds like you owe him a great deal.”  
“I do, and um… full disclosure, when I was drunk I came onto him. He refused my advances but I did do that… And I’m not proud. I hate myself when I’m drunk which is why I’m going to work on getting sober again. I promise.” 

Erwin took a moment to consider what you admitted to him. You worried that he would be infuriated but there was no change in his expression. He didn’t pull his hand away from you either. 

“I see, well, I appreciate your honesty.”  
“You’re not angry?”  
“No, you were intoxicated but I wonder if that’s all it was.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“You’ve become close over the years and I would not hold it against you if you found him to be a better match. Perhaps, you would be happier with him or someone else.”  
“I love you, Erwin,” you said sternly. “I’m not giving up on you.”  
“And how does he feel about the matter?”  
“He doesn't want me to give up on you either.”  
“If that’s the case then there is no point in regretting the things we said and did, it is in the past. We need to focus on the future and move forward.”  
“Like… Start over?”  
“If that is what you would like to do.”  
“It is…”  
“Then we will learn from our mistakes and make sure not to repeat them.” 

You nodded in agreement with him and loosened your grip on his hand. He pulled his hand away and swiped under your eye with his thumb. You leaned in but stopped halfway unsure if it was okay to kiss him. He slipped his hand behind your neck and pushed your head towards him meeting your lips with his. It was a pained kiss that made you tear up again. When the kiss was over you pressed your forehead against to pledge your commitment to him. 

“I’ll follow you into the depths of hell no matter what,” you said softly.  
“I know, that is what concerns me.”  
“Huh?”  
“It’s nothing,” Erwin said quickly. “I’ll try to show you more affection if that is what you desire, but I need you to bear with me and respect my decisions.”  
“I will… I’ll try to be more patient and not so temperamental…” 

Erwin respected that you were trying your best and nodded. He brought your lips together for the second time. This time you were able to appreciate how his beard tickled your face. When you pulled away you smiled genuinely and put your hand on the side of his face. 

“You know, I kinda like the beard,” you joked. “You should consider keeping it.”  
“I’ll make a note of that.”  
“So, am I unsuspended now?”  
“No, you’re still suspended.”  
“For how long?”  
“Until I say otherwise.”  
“Tch. Fine… At least I’ll have more time to help you recover.”  
“I don't need a personal nurse.”  
“Oh yeah? Too bad. I got nothing better to do now.” 

Erwin sighed but he didn't argue with you about it. You were waiting for the hospital to send him home but until then you tended to him. He was just a little annoyed by your need to constantly fluff his pillow and ask him repeatedly if he was comfortable. When it was lunchtime Erwin was served the usual bland soup and bread combination. You took the spoon and blew on the hot liquid for him. You then brought the spoon to his lips as he looked straight ahead with an unamused half lidded expression. 

“Thank you, but I can feed myself.”  
“Oh come on, open wide.”  
“You are treating me like a child.”  
“Right now you’re acting like one.”  
“There is no need to coddle me.”  
“Swallow your pride and eat your damn soup!”  
“Give me the spoon and I will.”  
“Are you accustomed to using your left hand yet?”  
“I can’t get accustomed to it if you don’t allow me to, can I?” 

You grumbled and reluctantly handed him the spoon. You were only trying to make things easier for him but it wounded his pride. 

“There, go ahead.” 

You crossed your arms as Erwin fed himself. At one point he lost his grip on the spoon which fell to the floor. He looked at his hand feeling just a little dejected. You knew he wasn't being completely honest with you about the loss of his arm. You weren't sure what that meant for him as a Soldier. You assumed he would continue to fight one handed but you knew what it felt like to a be wounded soldier outside the walls. It just made a dangerous job even more dangerous. You got up from your seat and picked up the fallen spoon. 

“I’ll get you another spoon,” you said.  
“Don’t bother, I’m finished eating now.”  
“No, you’re not giving up. You’ll learn to do things with your left hand and I’ll help you.”  
“I don’t need help.”  
“You’re not a weak man, Erwin. Being injured doesn't make you weak.”  
“I never said that it did.”  
“Do you remember when I was shot?”  
“Yes, I do.”  
“You were sweet to me, let me do the same for you.” 

Erwin was touched by how much you cared for him, slightly irritated, but touched nonetheless. It was as if nothing else in the world mattered to you. The things you lost could never be regained but what you had in the present was precious. You wanted to repay Erwin for all he has ever done for you.

“I know your intentions are good but please, don’t dote on me,” Erwin said in a softer tone. “It will take some getting used to, that is all.”  
“Alright, fine. You win, but if you need anything just let me know.”  
“I will do that.” 

Erwin had difficulty showing vulnerability to anyone, including you. It wasn't a good quality for a leader to exhibit. When you were alone you wanted him to forget he was the Commander. There was no need to force himself to be strong around you. It was another thing that he would have to work on with time. 

Soon, Erwin was discharged from the hospital and returned to his quarters. You decided to move back into his quarters with him. You had nothing to do but laze around, read, and write. At this point, you didn't even have a use for pants. You lounged around in your teeshirt and underwear. You had to admit, it was very comfortable. Erwin entered the room freshly shaved wiping his face with a hand towel. You were reading on the bed and glanced up for a moment. You did a double take outraged by the absence of his beard. 

“No!” you yelled.  
“What is it?”  
“You shaved,” you said disappointed. “You said you would keep it.”  
“I said I would make a note of it.”  
“Same thing.”  
“That’s hardly the same thing.”  
“Hmph. You’re not sexy anymore…”  
“Are you certain about that?” 

Erwin threw the hand towel over his shoulder and sat at the edge of the bed. He put his hand on your leg and looked directly at you. You scoffed and rolled your eyes at his attempt to seduce you. 

“Oh shut up…”  
“Besides, does my appearance really matter that much? I know what turns you on most of all.”  
“And what’s that?”  
“The sound of my voice.” 

You tried to ignore him despite liking where this was going. It was a futile attempt to prove he wasn’t irresistible. He grabbed the book from you and closed it in one swift motion. When you tried to take it back he pulled you into an embrace against his chest. He kissed you briefly on the lips and then quickly moved to your neck. You were breathless as he kissed your neck but then he stopped and moved close to your ear. 

“I haven’t properly touched you in some time, have I?” he whispered.  
“…”  
“I should change that.”  
“…”  
“Do you want me to touch you here?”

Erwin slipped his hand in your underwear as he said that. His voice did turn you on a great deal, especially in combination with his actions. It was harder to stimulate you without the assistance of his other arm. It didn't matter much to you but it did matter to him. He hoped you were pleased even with his limitations. Although you were enjoying yourself you realized he was doing too much for someone who just left the hospital. Before getting too excited you grabbed his wrist and stopped him.

“Wait— I know you prefer to stay in control but I don’t want you to overexert yourself.”  
“I’m not overexerting myself.”  
“Your injury is still recent."  
“I’m capable of making love the same as usual.”  
“Can I just take care of you? Please? I like it when you let me…” 

Erwin considered your request and removed his hand from your underwear with a sigh. He reluctantly then laid down on the bed taking the submissive role. It meant a great deal to you when he put his full trust in you like this.

“Alright… Do what you wish.” 

You smiled mischievously and crawled towards him. You unbuckled the belt around his waist and got to work. Naturally, his hand clenched your hair as he groaned in approval. It made you happy to hear him enjoying himself which only encouraged you to keep going. It wasn't long before he yanked your hair back aggressively pulling you off of himself. His neatly combed hair was already falling out of place and the look on his face was desperate. 

“That’s quite enough…” he said panting.  
“Heh, is that your way of saying you’re close?” you teased. “You didn't last very long this time…”  
“Well, you weren't the only one that’s been deprived of any pleasure lately…”  
“I know, that’s why I wanted to treat you.”

You didn't waste any time getting to the best part and pulled your shirt over your head. Your bra underwear came off quickly leaving you completely bare for his viewing pleasure. You took your place on top of him and rocked your hips slowly at first. He grunted and gripped your hip tightly. You placed your hand over his trying to get him to loosen up. 

“Relax,” you said. “Just relax…” 

Erwin loosened his grip on your hip and you leaned down to kiss him. As you kissed him you started to move again. It was up to you to decide the pace although you knew he wasn't going to last long. When you picked up the pace you leaned back and slicked your hair back. He admired the way you looked riding him and taking the helm just for a little while. For now, he could forget about the massive amount of responsibility he carried and many lives that depended on him. Erwin expressed his pleasure loudly as you kept your balance with one hand on his chest. Soon came his release and yours came just a little bit after his. 

You felt genuinely happy to be intimate with him again. After your love making session was finished Erwin held you tightly to kiss your cheek. You were as precious to him as he was to you. He wanted you to stay like this with him forever but there was a lot to do if they were going to give reclaiming humanity another shot. Erwin pulled the covers over you and let you rest. He fixed himself and recombed his hair before leaving the room to do some research. Although you would be useful in his next plan he thought to leave you be and maintain your suspension. 

Erwin started to investigate the Reiss family and Christa Lenz’s connection to them. He was able to discover that she was the daughter of Rod Reiss and her real name was Historia. The next night he met with Levi in private to share his discoveries with him. Levi also informed him of how the experiments with Eren were going. They both thought they were still missing something. Not everything made sense yet and with every discovery they made more questions popped up. Levi wondered if you could be any use to them even he didn’t necessarily want you active anymore.

“We could really use someone who specializes in gathering information right now,” Levi casually said. “If only we knew someone like that...”  
“We’ll manage without her assistance.”  
“How long do you plan to keep her suspended for?”  
“As long as necessary.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“As of right now, I have no set date.”  
“Cut the crap, I know what you’re doing.”  
“And what is it I’m doing, Levi?”  
“You don’t want her involved but you don’t want her gone either. You’ve reduced her to a house pet.”  
“Is that what you think?”  
“If she’s had enough of the Survey Corps then do the right thing.”  
“Is that a suggestion or an order?” 

Levi crossed his arms and looked to the side feeling frustrated. He had no right to tell Erwin what to do in his relationship or as a Commander. At times, he was also at the mercy of Erwin’s whims. He saw how much Levi cared for you and empathized with him.

“Why do you love her, Levi?”  
“Why are you asking me that?” he responded annoyed. “What? You got some weird kinky idea in mind? Save it, I’m not interested in a threesome, especially not with you.”  
“You misunderstand,” Erwin corrected him. “It was an honest question with no ulterior motive.”  
“Hmph.”  
“Humor me.”  
“Tch. Same reason you do, I guess. She’s a damn mess but she doesn't know when to quit.”  
“No, she does not.”  
“And somehow, despite all the bullshit she’s gone through, she’s not cold hearted like you and me. She still has a heartbeat.”  
“Yes, that is true.”  
“But she gave her heart to you, not me, so if you do care about her then don’t make false promises, it’s a dick move.”  
“I’ll keep that in mind.”  
“And don’t break her heart twice.”  
“That is what I am trying to avoid.” 

Erwin meant that from the bottom of his heart. His relationship with you was delicate but he knew Levi was right. It was time for you to leave the Survey Corps as much as it would pain him to see you go. You were the only person in the world he was not willing to sacrifice for humanity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tortured you guys enough with all the pain so this chapter had some fluff and stuff :) 
> 
> The next chapter will be more of the Uprising arc from Reader's perspective


	23. Rebellion Part 1

The Military Police arrived to detain Erwin not long after he returned from the hospital and repaired his relationship with you. The royal government declared a hold on all Scout Regiment activity and demanded that Eren and Historia be handed over. You rushed outside just in time to see Nile Dawk escort him into the carriage. You had no idea why he was being arrested but it didn't make any sense. You tried to intervene but you were held back by a Military Police soldier. 

“Erwin!” you yelled. 

He glanced at you for a moment and then proceed to enter the carriage along with Nile. The latter also looked your way and recognized you as the soldier from Stohess who defied Erwin’s orders. He wasn't sure what to make of you since a rebellious soldier usually wasn’t also a loyal one. Nile saw you were practically steaming with how angry you were.

“I just got him back you bastards!” you internally screamed. “I’ll kill you, Nile. I swear.”

There was nothing you could do but watch the carriage leave with Erwin in it. In the carriage Nile recalled the shooting from years ago. It was a mess for The Military Police to clean up and try to explain why an escaped prisoner wanted to assassinate Erwin. Nile remembered that the soldier who saved Erwin’s life was you. That only confused him further and he decided to use the carriage ride to ask about you. 

“That woman,” Nile said in the carriage. “Who is she?”  
“I’m sure you already know her name and rank.”  
“That’s not what I mean.”  
“That soldier has been suspended since Stohess and is currently on the verge of being dismissed for bad behavior.”  
“Is she a close ‘friend’ of yours?”  
“Is that relevant?”  
“It might be.”  
“Detaining her for questioning would be a pointless waste of time, Nile. Don’t bother.”  
“Don’t tell me how to do my job.” 

Erwin glanced at Nile who picked up on the subtle agitation in his calm demeanor. The carriage was tense once you were brought up. Erwin did what he could to convince him you were unimportant but Nile knew otherwise. The only other woman he remembered his old friend loving was his wife. He thought Erwin would remain alone forever not because he was unattractive but because he was wholeheartedly dedicated to the Survey Corps. 

The fact that there was someone Erwin cared for brought some comfort to Nile. He thought maybe they weren’t so different after all, although, it didn’t change anything. He was obligated to carry out the orders given to him by the Royal Government. If he was ordered to detain and torture you for information then he would have to do just that. Erwin was aware of the situation he had placed you in and knew you were in danger now. 

Meanwhile, The Military Police began to confiscate his personal possessions and yours. You weren't sure why they were doing this but it infuriated you. One of them found your journal tucked away in the drawer and opened it.

“That’s mine!” you yelled barging into the room. “You can’t have that!”  
“It’s property of the government now.”  
“Like hell it is!” 

You tried to grab your journal back and the soldier held it away from you. The second officer hit you in the face with the end of his rifle. You fell to the floor as your nose bled from the impact. Your nose was broken but you were too angry at the moment to care. The soldier flipped his rifle around and held you at gunpoint while the other one tucked the journal into his jacket.

“Do that again and I’ll shoot.”  
“Tch.” 

You scowled at the soldier threatening to shoot with hatred in your eyes. The box Erwin kept your love letters in was taken as well by the other soldier. 

“They will pay for that,” you thought. “I’ve had enough of this.” 

You were tired of being at the mercy of the Military Police. You felt powerless as the soldiers continued to violate the private space you and Erwin once shared. The soldier with the journal and special box left the room while the one holding the rifle lowered it. 

“Stay there,” he ordered. 

He left the room for a moment and you wiped the blood from under your nose with your arm. You then slipped your hand into your boot and pulled out your hidden knife. You followed the soldier but before you could act a hand was clamped over your mouth and around your wrist. You were pulled around the corner and you yelled into the hand covering your mouth. 

“Please calm down,” a familiar voice said. 

You recognized that voice as Alice and relaxed. She removed the hand over your mouth as Blair took the knife out of your hand. 

“There’s too many of them to take on with just a knife,” Blair said. “You’ll only take down one or two before they kill you. It’s a pointless death.”  
“We have to do something,” you protested.  
“Or we can wait for Commander Erwin to come back.”  
“How do you know he’ll come back?”  
“He always comes back,” Alice assured you.  
“But—”  
“Just wait for him,” Blair barked. 

You reluctantly listened to them as they brought you to the infirmary. Blair looked at your nose and determined it was nothing major that needed medical attention. It was only a minor fracture. Eventually, the nosebleed stopped but the swelling remained. The soldiers continued to confiscate Erwin’s possessions while he was questioned by the council. When he returned with Nile he asked him to sit and chat for a bit. Nile refused but Erwin proceeded to play mind games which unsettled him. 

Later, when the Military Police finally left you, Alice, and Blair went to see Erwin. Hange and Moblit also came at the same time and the three of you unintentionally snuck up on them. 

“Hange?” You asked.  
“Oh!” Hange jumped a little. "You scared me!”  
“What are you doing here?”  
“I need to have a word with Commander Erwin, it’s important.”  
“Do you know what’s going on?”  
“Sorry,” Hange said with a guilty smile. “I’m not supposed to tell you anything.”  
“You too!?”  
“Hey, don’t start shouting! Come on… There’s no need for that.”  
“I’m angry, Hange! I want to know what’s happening!”  
“I know, we’ll be quick then you can ask Erwin yourself.” 

You sighed and stayed in the hallway as Hange and Moblit made their way to his room. Hange threw the door open with urgency and you thought about listening in on their conversation. You really wanted to but ultimately you decided not to cross that line of trust. Eventually, Hange and Moblit left his room and approached your group again.

“He’s all yours,” Hange said.  
“Stay here,” you said to Alice and Blair. “I want to speak with him in private.”  
“Very well,” they said in unison. 

You made your way to Erwin’s room as Hange and Moblit were on the way out. Alice caught Moblit by his arm and got his attention. 

“Be careful, Moblit,” she said sincerely.  
“The same to you.” 

Alice looked up at Moblit with a worried expression and he hugged her. When he pulled back she gave him a quick peck on the lips. It wasn’t much but it still surprised him. Hange and Blair smiled at the sweet gesture. 

“You’ve never kissed me before,” Moblit said to Alice.  
“I wanted to… In case I don’t get the chance later…”  
“Don’t worry,” Hange teased Alice. “I’ll have him back just in time for the wedding!”  
“Section Commander, please…” 

Hange gave them a wink and a thumbs up before walking away. Moblit sighed and smiled before following Hange. Alice was happy for a moment but her smile faded when he left and she returned to her post. 

Meanwhile, you were in Erwin’s room trying to get to the bottom of whatever was happening. Erwin saw your nose was swollen and most likely broken. He scanned you over quickly to make sure nothing else was bruised or broken. Since it was a single blow he deduced that it was most likely a warning. 

“You better tell me what’s going on right now, Erwin.”  
“You were hit,” he said abruptly.  
“I— It’s nothing, I’ve dealt with worse than this.”  
“Did you act recklessly?”  
“Why was all your stuff taken? What’s going on?”  
“You didn’t answer my question.”  
“You didn’t answer mine, they took everything!”  
“And you fought back, didn't you?”  
“Of course I fought back!” 

Your feisty nature made you a fierce soldier but now it was proving to be a problem. You weren’t one to shy away from danger. He was more than willing to gamble with his life but he was not willing to gamble with yours. 

“I need you to disappear,” Erwin said bluntly.  
“What do you mean disappear?”  
“You need to have no affiliation with the Survey Corps.”  
“You’re kicking me out of the Scouts?”  
“What I am telling you may sound confusing and even alarming but don’t ask questions. Do as I say and find somewhere else to go for the time being.”  
“What?”  
“It must be exhausting for you to chase me around.”  
“Erwin.”  
“Prioritize yourself for once.” 

It was selfish of him and maybe even a little cruel but he thought this was what was best for you. You used to be the soldier who he relied on for intel and important affairs. Now, you were the one who was shut out of any information. You were crushed by what Erwin was suggesting and desperately clutched his arm as you began to tear up. 

“Let me do my job, please.…” you begged. “Let me be a soldier again.”  
“I’ve made my decision.”  
“Erwin!”  
“You are no longer a soldier for the Scout Regiment. I officially release you of your duties.”  
“You can’t do this!”  
“I just did.”  
“You asshole!” you yelled letting go of him. “You’re doing it again! You’re pushing me away!” 

Erwin realized that this could easily become a repeat of your argument from before. Your relationship could fall apart again if he did not choose his words more carefully this time. Erwin snaked his arm around your shoulder pulling you into a hug. You attempted to push him away angrily but he held you firmly in place with one arm. He waited for you to calm down before he even attempted to utter a word. You stopped trying to push him away and panted from getting so worked up. 

“You want an explanation,” Erwin said softly. “I’m sorry, I can’t give you one but I need you to trust me when I say there is a good reason I am doing this.”  
“…”  
“Know that it is in your best interest.”

He pulled himself back to look at the distressed look on your face and the tears in your eyes. Placing his hand behind your head he pushed you towards him and kissed your forehead to say goodbye. 

“Go,” he commanded. “Get as far away from me as you can.”  
“No, I won’t…”  
“I had a feeling you might say that. You leave us no choice then.”  
“Us?” 

Suddenly, the door swung open revealing Alice and Blair. Both of them entered the room and saluted Erwin. You turned around to face both of them who were in cahoots with him. 

“Sir,” they both said.  
“Your orders are to escort her out of the city,” Erwin told them. “No matter how much she begs or pleads do not come back for me.”  
“Yes, Sir.”

You crossed your arms and gave them a hard stare. Blair kept eye contact with you but Alice turned her head to the side. She knew you would hate what they had to do but it was for your own good. Most importantly, Erwin had the final say in all Survey Corps matters.

“I’m not leaving,” you said sternly.  
“Please, we don’t want to fight with you…” Alice pleaded trying to reason with you.  
“I said I’m not leaving.”  
“Enough,” Blair said sternly. “You’re coming with us like it or not.” 

Blair pulled a small syringe from inside her jacket and stabbed your neck with one swift motion. She was fast, too fast for you to register what just happened. Everything went hazy as you began to lose consciousness. When you fell back Erwin caught you with his arm. He had devised a plan in the event that you refused to listen to reason. He met with Alice and Blair in secret shortly after his meeting with Levi.

“I was hoping it would not have to come to this but you did well to follow my instructions.”  
“Sir,” Alice said to Erwin. “Please don’t be angry with her…”  
“I’m not angry one bit,” he responded calmly. “I can only imagine how difficult it is for her to let go of the Survey Corps. It was her salvation.”  
“A long time ago she told me that someone very dear to her showed her that something was missing from her life. She said they encouraged her to fight instead of being content with her misery… Was that you, Sir?”  
“It was.”  
“You love her, right Sir?”  
“I do.”  
“Then… We’ll take good care of her.”  
“I appreciate that.” 

Alice and Blair took you from him and carried you to a carriage outside. Erwin was confident that you were in good hands with them. Where you went didn't matter to him, what mattered was that you were removed from the situation. Erwin made peace with the fact that you might hate him after this. Even if you did he would be content that you were safe.

Hours later you woke up in bed and unlike the many times you’ve blacked out before you weren’t nauseous. You remembered exactly what happened previously. Alice and Blair were sitting on the other bed in the small room. The room was bare for the most part but there was a candle burning on the nightstand. 

“Where am I?” You asked them.  
“We are in the servant’s quarters of house Nichols,” Blair informed you. “The Military Police won’t find us here. My father died in my absence and my brother won’t come near the servants. My maid, the woman who cared for me when I was a child swore not to tell a soul. We can trust her.”

The door opened and an older heavyset woman with blonde hair entered the room holding a tray of food for you. She silently set it at your bedside and bowed to you before leaving the room again. You didn’t even have a chance to question her and turned your attention back to Blair.

“Why here?” you asked her.  
“Well, I don’t enjoy being back in my place of torment but it was the safest place I could think of. They would never think to look here.”  
“I need to get back to Trost.”  
“You can’t leave.”  
“So, I’m a prisoner?”  
“Our orders from Commander Erwin Smith himself are to protect you. That is what we are going to do.” 

Blair held a firm authoritative tone with you despite you being her former Captain. She agreed with Erwin’s decision and vowed to keep you hidden until it was safe to come out. 

“I want the truth,” you demanded. “And I want it now.”  
“…”  
“I know you know what’s going on.”  
“…”  
“Tell me everything you know.”  
“I’m sorry, but we can’t.”  
“What does it matter if I’m stuck here,” you said trying to convince them. “It’s not like I can do anything about it.” 

Blair tried to remain stoic but Alice clutched the fabric of her shirt while looking down. She felt guilty for keeping you in the dark like this, it was unfair. Alice thought maybe if they explained themselves you would understand why they were doing this. 

“Moblit told me about what they discovered in Ragako,” Alice said speaking up.  
“What was discovered?” You asked.  
“Don’t,” Blair warned her. “We’re not supposed to reveal anything.”  
“I think it’s alright… She deserves to know at least something.”  
“No.”  
“Well I’m second in command and I say it’s okay.”  
“Tch. Fine… I forgot you outrank me.” 

Alice reluctantly told you everything she learned from Moblit about Ragako and Hange’s theory. There was a lot to take in all at once and suddenly everything you thought you knew was gone. 

“They were… People? Titans are humans?”  
“That is what we are lead to believe…”  
“My god…” 

You put your hands on your forehead trying to wrap your head around it. The reality of what the titans were hit you harder than it hit Levi. You used to compete with Levi about who could get the most titan kills. Now, you realized you were competing to see who could murder the most people. You felt sick to your stomach but you composed yourself. 

“Okay… But… That doesn’t explain why the Military Police are after Erwin and the scouts.”  
“That has to do with Historia Reiss or Christa Lenz as we know her,” Blair said. 

Blair took over the conversation to explain what they knew so far of Historia Reiss which wasn’t all that much. Erwin discussed it with Blair in secret remembering that she was noble. Blair only confirmed what Erwin learned on his own. 

“I’ve heard my father speak of Rod Reiss having an illegitimate daughter before,” she said. “Being born a noble grants you the ‘privilege’ of knowing the dirty secrets of the lords. At the time, I thought it was just silly gossip and nothing more.”  
“…”  
“I should have spoken up about this sooner.” 

After learning this you started to put all the pieces together in your head. Your beloved was playing a dangerous game of politics. You wanted to be at his side for this like you were before. 

“Erwin… Levi… Hange… They need me,” you told them. “I’m useless to them just sitting around.”  
“Do you believe in them, Ma’am?” Blair asked.  
“Well I—“  
“I know it’s hard but this is what Commander Erwin thinks is best. You know them better than we do so I’m sure you know they can handle themselves.” 

You didn't have a choice but to put your trust in your friends. They were intelligent and fearsome but you wanted to do something to aid them. The next night, Levi and Hange took turns torturing Sannes for information. After holding Ralph at knifepoint and making him read the script they left Sannes for a bit waiting for him to crack. Levi wiped the blood off of his hands and was reminded of you. Gathering information and torture was more of your forte but you were nowhere to be found.

“So where’s the idiot?” Levi casually asked Hange.  
“I’m pretty sure Erwin had her sent away.”  
“Good,” Levi said. “One less thing to worry about then.”  
“I know you and Erwin think locking her up and throwing away the key is what’s best but I’m not so sure that’s the answer.”  
“Well, no one asked you.”  
“Did you ever consider how she’s feeling right now?”  
“I could care less about how she’s feeling.” 

Levi was relieved that Erwin chose to listen to him about your involvement with the Survey Corps. On the surface, Erwin and Levi were vastly different but after spending many years around both of them it became apparent that they were actually quite similar. Just like Erwin, he didn't care if you hated him either. Your overall well-being was more important to him than your opinion of him. Their love for you motivated their seemingly cruel and cold actions. 

You stayed with Alice and Blair at the servant’s quarters for another day and wondered how much longer you would have to stay here for. Neither of them could give you an answer because they didn’t know themselves. Blair’s maid brought her the paper and reading it horrified her. You saw the look on her face which immediately concerned you. 

“What is it?” You asked. “What’s wrong?”  
“Things just became much worse…”  
“How much worse?”  
“Apparently, Commander Erwin Smith has been arrested for the murder of Dimo Reeves and the government has ordered for all scouts to be arrested.”

You immediately grabbed the paper from Blair to confirm what she just said. You read the details of the story. The article made Erwin out to be a treasonous murderer and the depicted the scouts as a menace. You weren’t buying the story that was written and quickly figured out he was being framed. 

“They’ll execute him…”  
“Most likely,” Blair said bluntly. “They’ll execute all of us if they get the chance.” 

You clenched the newspaper crinkling the pages of it and looked down. Everything started to make sense to you now. Erwin was dead set on distancing you from the scouts for this very reason. He knew somehow that things would come to this. Now, with the way things were you could not just sit around. 

“I’m not your Captain anymore and I have no right to ask this of you but please… Will you follow my lead one last time?”  
“…”  
“I want both of you to think of something you care about,” you said looking at both of them. “Something you care about very deeply… That is what is at stake here.”  
“…”  
“The Survey Corps, no— Humanity has no future without Commander Erwin Smith leading the fight. None of it will matter if we let him slip through our fingers. Everything we’ve ever done, good or bad will be meaningless.”  
“…”  
“With him dead we have nothing. This is far more than just my love for him, this is for the good of everyone and everything. He can’t die.”  
“…”  
“Disobey his orders and help me save his life.” 

Over the years you became just as inspiring and persuasive as Erwin himself. You learned by watching him all this time. Alice and Blair looked at each other knowing that you had a good point. Everything they cared for was being threatened by the Military Police, now they needed to fight. Your passionate call to arms was enough to convince them to defy Erwin. Both of them accepted the fact that they would be punished but if you three were successful it would be worth it. 

“What are your orders, Ma’am?” Blair asked.

The look in your eye was fierce, focused, and furious. Alice and Blair had seen that look in your eye before and knew what it meant. Despite the heavy security in the capital, you were determined to rescue Erwin before his execution. You would raise hell to do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh I've been waiting to write this one! :D The Uprising arc is my favorite arc 
> 
> Next chapter is part 2 of Reader's rebellion


	24. Rebellion Part 2

You ordered Blair to take you to see her brother before attempting to rescue Erwin from his execution. You were confident they would try to interrogate him before killing him which gave you at least until tomorrow. Blair reluctantly led you, Alice, and her maid to the main residence on the estate. Alice was shaken with terrible memories from when she worked on the Dewitt property. You glanced at her from the corner of your eye to make sure she was alright. 

Blair’s maid informed her that Lord Nichols was in the dining hall with his wife, Lady Nichols. She was the woman Blair was supposed to marry but refused to do so. Her marriage to him was purely for financial gain. She was a young woman with brown hair curled to one side. Henry was two years younger than Blair but just as short. He was plump and the button around his trousers was on the verge of flying off. Blair threw open the doors of the dining hall with both hands. Her brother dropped his fork in shock and his wife gasped. Blair eyed her brother intensely and narrowed her gaze. 

“Y-You!” he yelled. “Degenerate! How dare you show your face in this house!”  
“Hello Henry, you got fatter.”  
“Get out! Out before I—“  
“You’ll what? Call out for your Military Police friends? They’re busy rounding up all the scouts.” 

Henry was speechless and Lady Nichols stood up revealing herself to be pregnant. You didn’t like the idea of holding a pregnant woman hostage, In fact, you didn’t want her involved whatsoever. 

“Take care of her,” you ordered Alice. “Make sure she doesn’t interfere.” 

Alice nodded and took ahold of Henry’s wife by her arms and led her out of the room. She warned her not to struggle so no harm would come to her. Alice felt awful having to put her through so much stress but knew it was necessary for the cause. You and Blair approached Henry from either side so he had nowhere to run. He got up and Blair pushed him back into the seat with one strong push. Blair’s maid left and returned with a rope which she used to tie him up. You and Blair waited with your arms crossed until he was fully restrained. 

“What is the meaning of this!?” he yelled.  
“We have some questions for you, Henry,” Blair spoke. “I suggest you cooperate.”  
“Or what?”  
“Or you won’t like what comes next.”  
“Ha! You think I’m afraid of you, elder brother?” 

Blair knit her brow at being called ‘elder brother’ but let it go. She focused on the objective and tried to maintain her composure. 

“You nobles keep a lot of secrets,” Blair said. "Why was I never informed?”  
“Father never trusted you with the truth because he knew you were a failure. You could never represent our family on the council, Benedict.”  
“Do not call me that,” she snapped. “That name is dead to me and the only reason I kept my first name was because I liked it. Mother thought it was a nice name.”  
“Our poor mother… Bless her heart… She died before she knew what a repulsive creature you were.”  
“Oh! I’m the repulsive one!? I can’t even stomach looking at you.”  
“At least father died knowing what you were! And on top of it all, you chose to join the Scout Regiment... I suppose it’s only natural for a fly to be attracted to a pile of shit. I can’t blame you for that.” 

Blair clenched her fists with her eyes ablaze. She was never one to lose control but being face to face with her brother reopened her old wounds. You caught her wrist before she could strike him. 

“I’ll take care of it,” you said. “Go make the preparations for our departure.”  
“…Yes, Ma’am…” 

She was reluctant to listen since she wanted nothing more than to unleash all her pent up fury on her brother. You knew what she was feeling because there was a time you felt it too. She truly had no family who cared for her. James was her true brother and while she pretended his death didn’t affect her you knew that it did. Blair walked out of the room to do as you instructed. 

“YOU’LL BURN IN HELL FOR THIS!” Henry screamed at her. “DO YOU HEAR ME!? DAMNATION AWAITS YOU!”

Once Blair was gone you turned around in one swift motion and punched Henry in the face. You looked down at him without a shred of guilt as he cried out in pain. 

“That one was for her,” you said sternly.

You punched Henry again with your other hand earning another pathetic cry from him. He kept his head down in fear of you as you started to roll up your sleeves. 

“And that was just because I felt like it. I’ll ask you a question before the next one.” 

You slammed your hand on the table violently asserting your power over the nobleman. He flinched which meant you successfully intimidated the man despite him being so haughty.

“Why is Historia Riess so damn important?” you asked.  
“You’ll get nothing out of me, treasonous whore!”  
“We’ll see about that.” 

You worked Henry over in the same way Erwin did to Nigel many years ago. Only the first two punches had any real emotion in them. After that, the rest were all business. Meanwhile, Alice sat across from the noblewoman in the main room hearing the faint screams of Henry in the distance. She noticed that the woman she was sitting with was not angry. She feared for her own life and could care less about what was happening to her husband. 

“I used to work in a place like this,” Alice spoke up. “It was horrible…”  
“…”  
“Your husband is not a good person.”  
“…”  
“You don’t love him, do you?” 

The noblewoman stayed quiet and looked away from Alice. She understood her body language and reached out to show her some compassion. The Noblewoman pulled away from Alice in fear of her. 

“I’m not sure if doing bad things makes someone a bad person,” Alice said to her. “Most people are selfish and do bad things for selfish reasons…”  
“…”  
“But we do bad things for other people not for ourselves…”  
“…”  
“I wonder… If that makes a difference…”  
“…”  
“We’re not going to hurt you, don’t worry.” 

The woman carefully eyed Alice debating whether or not to trust her. Alice didn’t blame her for distrusting her but she meant what she said. No harm would come to this woman or her unborn child. After you finished beating Henry you left the room for a bit to check on Alice and Lady Nichols. She assured you that everything was under control. 

You waited a few hours before trying to get some information out of him again. This time you went to the kitchen to retrieve a butcher knife. You thought to get the best results was to show you meant business. When you entered the dining hall again you slowly dragged the knife across the table making a long scratch. Dragging the knife also created an unpleasant sound. When you reached Henry you hit the table with the knife sticking it into the wood. Henry eyed the knife with fear as you took one of his hands in yours. 

“Your hands,” you said in a gentle voice. “They’re so soft… So supple.”  
“…”  
“Do you know what the hands of a farmer looks like?”  
“…”  
“How about a soldier? Do you feel how rough my hands are compared to yours? I assure you these are not the hands of a lady.”

You held Henry’s hand stroking it with your calloused thumb. Your comforting hand gesture and gentle tone of voice betrayed the vicious look in your eye. A terror filled chill ran down his spine as you held his hand firmly. You reached for the butcher knife sticking out of the table. 

“We’re running short on time and I’m running out of patience.”  
“Please, have mercy!”  
“I won’t waste time removing your fingernails. I’ll just cut off your entire hand and hope you don’t bleed out before you can give me an answer.”  
“WAIT! WAIT! I BEG YOU!”  
“You had your chance, time’s up.” 

You slammed Henry on the table and held up the butcher’s knife. In reality, you had no intention of cutting off his hand. At least, you didn’t want it to come to that. You gambled on the fact that he would spill his guts before the knife reached his hand. 

“RIESS IS THE TRUE ROYAL FAMILY!” Henry screamed. 

You stopped the knife right before it met his wrist as Henry cried for betraying the other lords. You went silent before turning to him with an extremely serious look. 

“That’s a joke… Right?”  
“No, It’s the truth! I swear!

Henry was hysterical over what he just said and that convinced you it was the truth. You now had a major piece to Erwin’s puzzle. You realized he wasn’t just playing a game of politics, was trying to expose the Royal Government for a fraud. You slammed the knife back on the table as Henry carried on for divulging such sensitive information. Blair entered the room again with her maid to give you a report. 

“The preparations have been made, Ma’am.”  
“Good.”  
“Did he squeal like the pig he is?”  
“He did.”  
“I’m not surprised. So what did we learn?”  
“I know what Erwin was planning to do.”  
“You do?”  
“I know him well… But it seems he bit off more than he could chew this time.” 

You believed that Erwin’s plan to expose the government had failed and he was framed for murder by them. You glanced at Henry who was still sniveling and then back at Blair. 

“Let's go,” you commanded. “And bring him with us.”  
“He’s coming with us?”  
“Yes, he’s still useful. Get him cleaned up.” 

Blair and the maid untied Henry to clean him up and make him look presentable. You returned to Alice to inform her you were departing soon. You apologized to the noblewoman for the intrusion and told her you would be borrowing her husband for a bit. She would be left in the care of Blair’s maid while the four of you were gone. You asked her to nod if she understood what you were saying and she did.  
Blair impersonated a coachman wearing a top hat and a cloak as a disguise. You and Alice were inside of the carriage with Henry who was held at gunpoint. The four of you left at sunset and night fell by the time you approached Capital Mitras. The carriage ride was tense and at one point your mind started to wander into the past. This scheme you put together reminded you of your precious tactician. Three years ago on a surprisingly uneventful day, you teased him about not having a hobby. He assured you that he did have a hobby and told you he liked to play chess. 

“Chess, huh?” You teased. “Well, that suits you.”  
“Would you like to play?”  
“Play with you? I’ll lose.”  
“Not necessarily, you should not count yourself out before you’ve lost even if victory seems impossible.” 

Erwin went to the shelf and retrieved his chess set. He sat down across from you and started to set the pieces on the board. 

“But you’re a genius…”  
“I wouldn’t call myself a genius and you are smarter than others give you credit for.”  
“Erwin…”  
“Since you’re beautiful that is what everyone sees first but I know you are more than that. You are quite intelligent, I knew that the very first time I saw you.”  
“So… You’re saying I’m smart and beautiful?”  
“Precisely.” 

You smiled and blushed at Erwin’s compliment as he continued to set the board. He explained the game to you in fairly simple terms. You took a liking to the game even though you lost the first time you played against him and many times after that. In the present, the carriage hit a bump that brought you out of your memories. You clutched the gun in your coat tighter remembering what he said. 

“Don’t worry, Erwin,” you thought. “I’m coming for you.” 

The carriage reached the gated entrance to the Capital and a Military Police officer approached the carriage. You kept the gun in your coat pointed at Henry sitting across from you.

“Don’t raise any suspicion,” you warned him. “Or else.” 

Henry swallowed nervously and Alice kept her concealed gun pointed at him from the side. You instructed Henry to open the carriage door and speak to the officer as he normally would. You and Alice remained stone faced looking forward and not at the officer.

“Lord Nichols,” the officer said. “What are you doing here at this hour, Sir?”  
“I have urgent business with King Fritz.”  
“The King? Now?”  
“Yes, now.”  
“Your face is beaten, Sir. Are you in some sort of trouble? Is that what this is about?”  
“Well—”  
“Who are these people with you, Sir? Personal guards?” 

You glanced at Henry as a warning to choose what he said next carefully. The officer looked at you and Alice but you two still refused to look at him. Henry began to internally panic and tried to assert his authority to get out of the situation. 

“You are way out of line, soldier!” Henry yelled. “I’ll— I’ll have you arrested for questioning me!”  
“Sir! My apologies! Please go right ahead!” 

The soldier was easily intimidated by the noble and backed off in fear of being stripped of his position in the interior. You closed the door and Blair whipped the reins making the carriage move again. 

“Did I do what you wanted?” Henry asked you nervously.  
“Good enough,” you said dryly. “We were just lucky he was an idiot.”  
“Are you going to kill me now?”  
“If I wanted to kill you I would have done it already.” 

You looked out the window eyeing neatly trimmed topiaries and the grand architecture of the Capital. Eventually, the carriage came to a halt and you ordered Henry to stay in the carriage. You exited the carriage with Alice as Blair jumped down from the coachman’s seat. She threw off the top hat and black cloak revealing pistols at both sides of her hip. 

“Phase one is complete,” you informed them. “Now we’ll move onto phase two. I’m sure many of the MPs are asleep or drunk at this hour, even the ones on duty. Their guard is down so we should have no problem making our way to the prison using the night to cover us.”  
“…”  
“We’ll take the two horses with us. Once we rescue Erwin, he and I will escape on horseback and head for the Nichols estate. You two will meet us back there on your own.  
We’ll lay low on the estate until we’re ready to figure out the next step. What’s important now is preventing his execution.” 

Alice and Blair acknowledged your plan and started to release the horses from the carriage. You approached the carriage with the same sedative Blair used on you. When you opened the door you received a kick in the face which made you fall and lose your grip on the syringe. Your broken nose still wasn’t healed and being kicked in the face hurt immensely. It was enough to make you scream but you choked it back. Blair and Alice turned around quickly as Henry started to run away and scream for the Military Police. 

“Agh… Stop him!” You ordered.  
“I got it.” 

Blair quickly pulled one of the pistols at her hip and aimed at her brother. You called out her name and reached out to her. 

“No, don’t!” you yelled.

The blood from your nose started to drip down to your lip which you ignored. Blair’s hand shook in her hand as she debated to listen to you or shoot him. Soon, it was too late and Henry was too far away to shoot with a pistol. 

“I could have shot him,” she snapped. “Why did you stop me!?”  
“I don’t want that on your conscious, Blair. I know you hate him but he’s still your brother… Could you sleep at night knowing you killed your own brother?” 

Blair put the pistol away angrily as Alice helped you off the ground. You wiped under your nose with your arm. Blair crossed her arms and stayed faced away from you. 

“Him getting away just cost us this operation.”  
“No, it didn’t,” you assured her. “He was merely our way in, the rest is up to us.”  
“What do we do now?”  
“We fight, it’s as simple as that.” 

Blair turned around impressed with your resolve. She thought everything was already over but your unshakable confidence inspired her. You mounted one of the horses and so did Alice. You held your hand out to Blair who realized she was wasting time by getting upset. 

“Let’s go,” you said to Blair. “Commander Erwin is waiting for us.”  
“Forgive me for my outburst…”  
“It happens, don’t worry about it.” 

Blair took your hand and mounted the horse you were on. She held onto you as you ordered them to advance. Your small battalion made their way to the Capital’s prison. Word of the invasion spread quickly throughout the Capital’s forces and in just a few minutes reached Nile Dawk. He was coming from the prisons after checking on Erwin when a soldier approached him with the news. 

“Commander! There are intruders on the premise.”  
“What?” 

The MP soldier explained the situation to Nile who took a few moments to consider everything that was told to him. There was something about the intrusion that didn’t make any sense. He wondered why it was so covert and why Lord Nichols was taken hostage but not killed. Nothing was stolen from his person either and the direction the intruders went in was not the direction of the King. Suddenly, Nile remembered the way you looked at him with such animosity when Erwin was arrested the first time. The soldier called out to Nile regaining his attention. 

“Sir, what are your orders?”  
“Protect the prison.”  
“The prison, Sir? What about the King?”  
“They’re not after the King.”  
“How can you be sure?” 

Nile was certain you were behind this and your goal was Erwin but he second guessed himself. If he was wrong he put the King at risk for an attack. There was no telling if you three were the only intruders on the premise. 

“Then I want two squadrons,” Nile commanded. “The first squadron will go to the King’s aid. The second one will protect the prisons.”  
“Yes, Sir.”  
“You’re with me, let’s go.” 

The soldier who relayed the message followed Nile along with a few others. He went back to the prisons to cut you off before you could get to Erwin. Meanwhile, the three of you were not far from your destination and left the horses. You continued on foot to infiltrate the Capital. Three MP soldiers came around the corner and shot at your group. You ordered for them to disperse. You warned them ahead of time not to kill anyone unless absolutely necessary. 

You took aim but with a flare gun that you had hidden in your coat. You shot the flare startling the three soldiers as the area was filled with red smoke. They coughed from the smoke and left themselves vulnerable to an attack. Your group knocked out the three soldiers and took their uniforms. The three of you changed quickly leaving them in their underwear and unconscious. 

“If they’re looking for scouts then this should make things easier,” you stated. 

Alice and Blair nodded in agreement and followed your lead into the Capital. So far, you three ran into no trouble until you reached the prison. Nile was there waiting for you with a squad of soldiers behind him. He and his soldiers raised their rifles at you, Alice, and Blair. The three of you raised your guns at the same time creating a standoff with the Military Police. Nile stared you down while you glared at him unintimidated. 

“I’ve been waiting a long time for this, Nile,” you taunted.  
“Is that so?”  
“You’ve had it coming for years.”  
“You’re not getting past this point,” Nile said sternly. “I won’t allow it.”  
“Release Commander Erwin Smith,” you ordered matching his tone.  
“I appreciate what you three did for us in Stohess but you have no right to storm the Capital and make demands of me.”  
“I did what I thought was right in Stohess, it wasn’t for you.”  
“So, you make decisions based on your conscience then?”  
“What does it matter?”  
“I’ve been trying to figure you out… And now I think I get it.”  
“Get what?”

Nile figured out that as loyal as you were to Erwin you didn’t follow him blindly. You had a conscience which was evidenced by the lack of casualties from your invasion. You valued the lives of other people.

“Shoot the two soldiers,” Nile ordered. “Leave their Captain alive.”  
“If your goons shoot them then I’ll shoot you!” 

Your strong reaction confirmed Nile’s theory about you. He stayed firm in his order as you readied your gun to shoot Nile. 

“You dogs! All you know how to do is intimidate but none of you actually have a spine!  
“This is your last chance,” Nile warned you. “Give yourself up.”  
“Don’t make me turn your wife into a widow,” you warned him. “I’ll do it, Nile.”  
“You have until the count of three to surrender.”  
“Don’t you dare!”  
“One.”  
“I’ll kill you!”  
“Two.”  
“DON’T TEST ME!”  
“Thr—“ 

Right before the Military Police soldiers could shoot Alice and Blair you dropped your gun and put your hands up. Your two soldiers were stunned that you put their lives above the mission. They dropped their guns and put their hands up as well. Nile came behind you to personally arrest you. 

“You’re all under arrest for treason,” he said.  
“We failed,” you thought to yourself. “I failed you, Erwin.” 

Once you were restrained Nile pushed you to walk and you gave him a hate filled side eye. They separated you from Alice and Blair who were detained somewhere else. He brought you to the cell where Erwin was being held. Nile gave you a chance to see him out of sympathy. You saw him chained to the wall with his face bruised and bloodied from his interrogation. You expected him to be interrogated but seeing him like this enraged you. Erwin lifted his head and said your name. He wasn’t surprised one bit to see you in handcuffs. He hoped you would have stayed away but you loved him far too much to do that. 

“Did you really have to beat him that badly?” You asked Nile eerily calm.  
“…”  
“Was humiliating him and his entire regiment not good enough?”  
“…”  
“Are you gonna beat me now too!? Huh!? Tough guy!?”  
“…”  
“Answer me, Bastard!” 

You stepped on Nile’s foot and then turned around to headbutt him. Two other Military Police soldiers came to the Commander’s aid. You fought like a wild animal as they tried their hardest to restrain you. Erwin called out your name again trying to get your attention.

“Stop,” Erwin ordered.

You ignored him and didn't stop fighting. You bit the ear of one of the officers who tried to get you under control. 

“Stop fighting,” he said sternly. “That is an order.”  
“I don’t take orders from you anymore, remember!?”  
“Aren’t you tired of fighting?” 

Your eyes widened with horror because you never thought Erwin would say something like that. You stopped fighting and were taken aback by the look of defeat on his bloodied face.

“Just do as they say.” 

You started to tear up thinking that they finally broke his spirit. In reality, Erwin was acting and had a plan you were unaware of. He knew the only way you would stop fighting was if he stopped too. Nile looked down at you with pity and could see just how much you loved Erwin. You finally accepted your defeat as he grabbed you less forceful than before and lead you forward.

“No,” you thought to yourself. “He would never give up… Never…” 

Nile escorted you into your cell and chained you to the wall. He stayed professional despite feeling conflicted about tearing you two apart. You averted your gaze as he looked upon you with pity once again. 

“I’ll be back when the King summons you.”  
“Fuck off, Nile.” 

Nile took that as his cue to leave and left you in your cell. You reflected on your life and everything you’ve done that led you to this point. There were times you wished for death but you realized that you wanted to live. You wanted to live a happy life with Erwin. That was why you could never stop fighting. The most you could hope for now was that they would hang you together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, the adrenaline rush I got from writing this one!
> 
> Next chapter will be the coup d'etat and wrap up of the uprising arc :)


	25. Sacrifices

You spent the night in your cell chained to the wall waiting for your audience with the King. You heard Erwin’s cell open and some voices in the distance. It was time for Erwin’s trial but you already knew the verdict. You desperately pulled on the chain hurting your wrist in the process. You pulled on the chain over and over despite it being futile and called out his name. Your response was the heavy prison door shutting and the silence that followed. Feeling enraged again you yelled various curse words at no one in particular. 

When your rage passed despair took its place. That was your last attempt at fighting for the man you loved. You hung your head letting your arms go limp. You took some solace in the thought of rejoining him in a place beyond death. A peaceful place not plagued by violence and suffering.

Meanwhile, during his trial, Erwin made his last argument for the Scout Regiment stressing the necessity for it. The noblemen had already made their minds up and could care less about what he had to say. He was sentenced to death as expected and right after that Anka interrupted the trial to report that Wall Rose had been breached. The report was fabricated to gauge the reaction of the nobles. They decided to close the gates to Wall Sina which would kill off a majority of humanity. Nile was put on the spot and had to decide to follow his orders or do the right thing. He finally took a stand branding himself as a traitor in the process. 

Soon after Dhalis Zachary entered revealing the whole thing to be a hoax. The nobles were rounded up making Erwin’s coup d'etat a success. He put his trust in a lot of people to pull this off. Nile and Pyxis did as he hoped they would. The stakes were even higher considering it wasn’t just his life on the line, yours was as well. This was the very scenario he wanted to avoid. After being released from his restraints Erwin reminded Nile there was one other person who needed to be released. 

Nile made his way to the prison and Erwin accompanied him. He knew you wouldn’t be calm unless you saw he was alive for yourself. Right before entering the prisons, Erwin stopped for a moment.

“What is it?” Nile asked him.   
“I have a favor to ask of you, Nile.”   
“You got a lot of nerve asking me for a favor now…”  
“Do you think you could find a place for her within your regiment?”  
“What?”  
“The Military Police Brigade will be most affected by these new changes. With the Interior Police in shambles, you will need to fill some positions.”  
“Well—”  
“I have no doubt she would be an excellent addition to your regiment, but don’t take my word for it, you’ve seen her in action for yourself.”   
“Yeah, I have, and that soldier seems like a lot of trouble…”   
“You’re not wrong but who would you trust more? A soldier who blindly takes orders or a soldier who consults their conscience before acting? You be the judge.”

Nile was nearly sold on the idea that you would be an asset to the Military Police. Your concern was for the people and your experience as a former scout would make you a highly trained individual. Nile knew why Erwin was trying to convince him to let you join the Military Police but he wanted to hear him say it. It was important for him to hear it. 

“Why are you asking me for this, Erwin?  
“I suppose it’s for a selfish reason,” Erwin admitted. “I suppose you could say I fell in love…”   
“You’re in love, huh?”   
“I am.”   
“Then you finally get it.”   
“And what do I get?”  
“What it means to want to protect someone you love… Why I changed my mind about joining the Scouts…”   
“I’ve always understood that you had your reasons, Nile. I never held it against you.” 

All these years Nile blamed himself for their friendship becoming strained. Hearing Erwin express himself to him like this gave him hope that their friendship could be salvaged. His love for you gave them something to have in common. The least he could do now for his old friend was honor his request. 

“I’ll take her if she agrees to it,” he said.   
“Thank you, Nile. I appreciate it.” 

Erwin had this idea in mind for a little while but it would only work if the coup d’etat was a success. Him convincing Nile was the easy part, the hard part would be convincing you. Both of them entered the prison to free you from your shackles. Your cell opened and you refused to look at whoever opened it. Your hair hung over your eyes as you continued to stare at the cold ground. Your wrist hurt from your desperate struggle earlier.

“Is he dead?” You asked quietly.   
“No,” a familiar voice said. “I’m still here to fight another day.” 

You picked your head up and saw Erwin and Nile standing side by side. Your eyes widened and felt a rush of emotions hit you all that once. You were relieved to see he was alive but you were also confused and angry.

“Erwin!? You’re alive? How? I thought— I thought you were going to die…”   
“You should know by now that I always have an ace up my sleeve.”   
“What are you talking about?”  
“I will explain everything to you at a later time.”   
“Explain it to me now.”  
“That would take awhile.”   
“Tch. I know what you were getting involved in and I know Reiss is the true royal family.”  
“How did come to learn that?”   
“Simple, I was busy,” you said confidently. “What? Did you think I was just sitting on my hands all this time?”   
“Then this won’t take as long as I thought.” 

Nile released you from your restraints and you rubbed your wrist. Erwin briefly explained what just occurred and what he had planned. Listening to him now made Nile realize just how well thought through this scheme of his was. You were taken aback by the coup d’etat that Erwin had created. You were able to figure out that he planned to expose the Royal Government but you didn’t know how he was going to go about it. The most surprising part to you was that it was a success. The system that exploited the people was now gone. 

“You crazy son of a bitch… You had a plan all along,” you said astonished. “I risked everything for you and you had a plan…”   
“Nile, would you mind giving us a moment?” Erwin asked him. 

Nile nodded and left the cell so you and Erwin could talk in private. You couldn’t help but feel foolish for storming the Capital and putting Alice and Blair at risk. If you had known of the coup d’etat you might have done things differently. Erwin approached you and put his hand on the side of your face gently. He guided your head to look up at him rather than down in guilt.

“I told you to stay away from me and once again you didn't listen. You did as your heart dictated. I should have been angry with you but I was rather impressed. Frankly, I was moved by the great lengths you went for me. I am not worthy of your love and devotion. I have not treated you well.”   
“That isn’t true…”   
“Your life is precious and should be lived to the absolute fullest. Do not sacrifice yourself for me.”  
“It’s not all about me, Erwin. The Survey Corps need you.”   
“I can be replaced.”   
“No, you can’t.”  
“Yes, I can.”   
“Not to me.” 

Erwin knew this was going to be yet another difficult conversation. You fought as hard as you did because his life meant a great deal to you. In your eyes, he was irreplaceable and vice versa. Erwin cupped your cheek and gently stroked your cheekbone with his thumb as if to soothe you. 

“I will be honest… Acting as your Commander has been rather difficult. No matter how hard I try I can not see you as an ordinary soldier nor can you see me as an ordinary Commander. It was foolish of me to think we could separate our feelings from our duty… It simply can not be done.”  
“Erwin…”   
“That said, I want you to stay here with Nile. He has already agreed to accept you into his regiment.”  
“What?”

You were utterly shocked by what he just said. Erwin stopped stroking your cheekbone and could already feel the hostility rising from you. You had your reasons for hating them as much as you did but he was hopeful that you would see things his way. 

“He could use the extra help and your talents are better suited for the Military Police,” Erwin stated.   
“Have you completely lost your mind!?”   
“The Military Police is not your enemy, not anymore.”   
“I would never join those bastards! Do I have to remind you of all the horrible disgusting things they've done!? Just look at what they did to you! Look at your face!”   
“If you despise the Military Police that much then make the necessary changes. Change occurs from within so do your part to assist Nile in reshaping the interior police.” 

He was as convincing as always but it wasn’t enough. You weren’t sold on the idea of abandoning him and your comrades for the Military Police. You brought your hand up to Erwin’s beaten face and wiped some of the blood from the corner of his mouth. 

“What about what I want?” You said softly.   
“What do you want?”  
“I want to stay with you, Erwin. I want to fight for our future and our happiness with you, Levi, and Hange.”  
“You’ve fought well and hard for the Survey Corps, that will never be forgotten by any of us. Now, it is time to move on.”   
“I won’t.”   
“You should.”   
“I can’t.” 

You shook your head no, refusing to accept what Erwin was telling you. Both of you were equally stubborn and exhausted each other because of it. Erwin pulled you into a hug and you clenched the back of his shirt while tearing up. A moment was spent in silence as Erwin waited for you to come to the same conclusion he had. 

“I want you to know that I have never had a pleasant dream with you,” he practically whispered. “I’ve seen you die hundreds of times and it was always my fault in some way…”   
“…”   
“I’d like you to listen to me just this once,” Erwin pleaded. “Humanity is on a dangerous path and I do not want you on the front lines.”   
“…”   
“I’m not asking you this as a Commander, I’m asking this as someone who loves you very deeply. Please.” 

You were surprised to hear him say please which meant he had run out of options. Pushing you away only made things worse and using his power made you resent him. All he could do now was be honest and hope it was enough to convince you. 

“Don’t beg, Erwin… That isn’t like you.”   
“I will beg if that is what it takes.”   
“Don’t…”   
“What do you say?”  
“…Okay… You win…”   
“Thank you.” 

You clung to him for just a little longer before he pulled back. Before releasing you he kissed you and pressed your foreheads together. You closed your eyes slowly coming to terms with what you had to do. When it was all said and done you two rejoined Nile and left the prison. Outside the prison, you were reunited with Alice and Blair. Erwin and Nile left you alone so you could give them the news. 

“Are you two okay?” you asked. “Did they hurt you?”   
“We’re fine,” Alice answered for both of them. “They didn’t hurt us.”   
“That’s good… I’m sorry I put you both in danger.”   
“We knew what we were signing up for,” Blair said. “Don’t apologize. We should apologize to Commander Erwin for failing him.”   
“That’s not necessary… We came to an understanding and— There’s something I need to tell you both,” you said taking a deep breath. “This might be surprising and… It might not make any sense to either of you… But I will be leaving the Survey Corps for the Military Police…”   
“But why?” Alice asked.  
“For personal reasons… But also because things need to change. I can only do so much from the outside but I can do a lot more from within. I’ll work my way to the top and reform them.”

You explained in further detail what occurred today and Erwin’s plan that you were unaware of. Once they were brought up to speed everything made a little more sense to them. 

“So you see… I need to make sure Commander Erwin’s efforts don’t go to waste.”   
“In that case, I am also leaving the Survey Corps,” Blair stated.  
“Huh?”   
“I’ll be seizing my father’s company and estate,” she explained. “Henry will be facing punishment for his crimes so there will be no blood relatives left to dispute me. If his wife tries to claim it for herself we may have to take this to court.”   
“I see… If that is what you need to do then you should,” you encouraged her.   
“So… I’m the only one left…” Alice said sadly.   
“You should ask Hange if you can join squad four,” you told Alice. “You’ll be closer to Moblit that way.”   
“That would be best,” Blair said in agreement with you. 

Alice nodded and teared up over the fact that neither of you would be with her anymore. Seeing her get emotional made you and Blair get emotional too. All three of you hugged and then they backed up to give you one final salute. With their hands clenched over their hearts and tears in their eyes they saluted you for being the best Captain they could have asked for. 

“It has been an honor and privilege,” Blair said.   
“It truly has,” Alice said in agreement with Blair. 

You smiled and saluted them back thanking them for giving their hearts and being two incredible soldiers. It was an honor and privilege for you to watch them become strong soldiers. You would never forget them or any of the members on your squad, including Adam. 

Soon after Erwin and Zachary addressed the citizens from the gallows he was supposed to hang from. You watched him speak to the crowd in awe of him as usual. Once the public was informed he left in stride with Zachary and entered a carriage. You watched the carriage leave as the Nile spoke to the reporters. He assured them the goal was to have the true royal family take the throne and not create a military dictatorship. 

You waited for him to answer questions and there were a lot of them. He encouraged them to ask whatever they wanted without fearing consequences. When they were finally finished Nile took a deep breath. His throat went dry from all the talking he had to do. You approached him before he had a chance to slip away. 

“Are you done with the reporters?” You asked.   
“Yeah, I just finished.”   
“Erwin wants me to transfer to the Military Police…”   
“Is that what you want?”   
“No, but he’s rarely wrong and if he thinks this is what’s best then… I’ll do it. I’ll do it for him.” 

Nile was impressed by your loyalty to Erwin and tried not to get sentimental about it. He cleared his throat and remained serious. 

“Fine, we’ll have to make this official later. I’ll also need that uniform you stole back so you can get your own.”   
“How about what you stole?”   
“What are you talking about?”   
“The Military Police still has all my shit. I want it back.”   
“It wasn’t stolen, it was confiscated.”  
“I don’t give a crap what you want to call it! Give me back my stuff!”   
“You’ll get it later and watch your tone,” Nile warned you. “If I’m going to be your Commander now then you have to show me some respect.”   
“I’ll show you some respect when you earn it.”   
“Excuse me?” 

You crossed your arms and turned around giving him the cold shoulder. Nile raised an eyebrow not quite understanding what you meant. 

“Do you know why I really don’t like you, Nile?” You asked rhetorically. “You had absolutely no idea what was going on in your own regiment. I’ll hold you accountable for every horrible thing the Military Police has ever done because that was your job.”   
“…”  
"It’s unforgivable and don’t try to hide behind the excuse that the interior police took orders directly from the Royal Government or whatever. A real man doesn’t hide behind excuses.”   
“…”   
“You failed as a Commander.” 

Your words cut through him like a knife because it was true. Up until now, he had taken the orders given to him without question. He turned a blind eye to the corruption within the Military Police and the Royal Government. 

“You’re right,” Nile admitted. “I’m not Erwin, I could never lead my men the same way he does, but, I let them run amok on my watch… And that’s on me.” 

You turned around to face Nile surprised by his response. You expected him to deny it or scramble to find another excuse. Instead, he hung his head in shame for his poor leadership. 

“Well, at least you can admit it…” you said changing your tone.   
“I don’t need forgiveness, I need you to follow my orders and help me clean up this mess. Think you can do that?”   
“Yeah, I can do that.” 

Nile extended his hand to you welcoming you into his regiment. You were almost impressed with his willingness to admit his mistakes. With hesitation, you took his hand and shook it. 

“But I still don’t like you,” you reminded him.   
“You don’t need to like me,” Nile said. “I’m not so sure about you myself…”   
“Psh… I’m delightful.”   
“Oh yeah, real delightful…”   
“Now give me back my stuff! All of it!”   
“I told you, you’ll get it later.”

Nile instructed you to come with him so you could help him get the Capital under control. You came face to face with Henry again to interrogate him for the second time. Upon seeing you he started to scream asking for someone else, anyone else. Nile watched you work and noted that you were a professional. This time you interrogated Henry about the king being able to manipulate the memories of the citizens. Henry confirmed it was true along with the other lords. 

The information was passed along to Zachary and then Erwin. You were still aiding him from the distance. Your personal possessions were returned to you as well as your journal. You flipped through it to make sure nothing was missing and noticed you only had one page left in this book. It was fitting, you thought, that you would have to start another new journal. 

You trusted Erwin and the Scouts to rescue Eren and Historia. If they were successful Historia would become the Queen. The rescue mission you were not involved in became dangerous and complicated. Levi and his squad faced off against the Anti-Personnel Control Squad for the second time. It ended with squad Levi succeeding in their rescue despite Rod Reiss turning into an enormous Titan. Erwin met up with them and devised a plan to take care of the Titan. It was destroyed by them and finished off by Historia who gained the respect of the citizens for her actions. 

You were informed that they succeeded and Historia would be crowned as Queen. Erwin’s biggest gamble so far paid off and everything he intended happened. You attended Historia’s coronation along with the other soldiers and citizens. After the coronation, you went to find Levi and caught her majesty punching him in the arm and daring him to punch her back now that she’s queen. You stayed hidden around the corner and covered your mouth trying to hold back a laugh. She was a feisty young lady just like you were. 

Levi smiled instead of getting angry at her. Everyone was surprised by his reaction except for you. When the young soldiers had their fun and left you came out of hiding. You had a light smile on your face when you approached Levi and he reverted to his brooding self. 

“You seem like you’re in a good mood,” you teased.   
“What do you want?”   
“Still not happy to see me? It feels like forever since I last saw you…”   
“So, you’re an MP now.”   
“I bet you’re gonna say it’s perfect since I’m a lazy bum like the rest of them, right?”   
“No.”   
“Huh?”   
“Those MPs will probably piss themselves with you around. Wish I could see it for myself.” 

His reaction was not what you expected from him. You thought he would mock you for joining a regiment notorious for its lack of initiative. Instead, he supported you mostly because he agreed with Erwin.

“I thought you hated the Military Police too.”   
“So? I should hate you because you’re an MP? Don’t be stupid.”   
“Levi.”  
“Erwin made the right call whether you like it or not. The scouts became too much for you, admit it.”   
“It wasn’t too much for me and I’ll always be a scout no matter what my uniform is. I still have my wings.” 

Levi opened his mouth to say something back and then closed it. He smiled softly again and then looked to the side. You approached him and put your hands on his shoulder. 

“I’ll miss you, Levi.”   
“Don’t be so dramatic. I’ll be around.”   
“I’ll still miss you and everyone else.”   
“Drama queen.” 

You pulled Levi into a hug much to his annoyance. There was an important message you needed to tell him before he could push you away and tell you to knock it off. 

“If they ever try to screw over the scouts again, you’ll be the first to know,” you whispered. “I’ll be keeping a close eye on them.” 

Levi remained silent but your message was received by him. You were going to use your new position to act as a spy for the Survey Corps. Your loyalty was to the scouts and the Queen herself. Erwin would disapprove of you using your position to leak information so you trusted Levi to keep your secret. When you pulled away from each other you felt a strange flutter in your chest. Erwin had a theory that you loved Levi too even if you couldn’t admit it to yourself. You stared at each other for a brief moment before a familiar high-pitched voice reached your ears. You let go of him and let whatever it was you just felt pass. 

“Aww, we were having a group hug and I wasn’t invited!?” Hange complained.   
“Hey there, Hange.”   
“I know you haven’t showered in days,” Levi complained. “Don’t come near me.”   
“Aw come on!”   
“Okay, you know what, I agree with Levi. I can smell you from here.”   
“What!?”   
“That’s some serious body odor, Hange.”  
“Disgusting,” Levi said.  
“HEY! You guys are so mean!!!”

You laughed at Hange’s reaction and Levi was mildly amused. For a moment, it was just like old times with the three of you. Things changed tremendously over time and you didn't know how many more moments you would have with them like this. These were the times you cherished the most. When you settled down Erwin entered making this the first time the four of you were all in one place in awhile.

“Historia Reiss is officially our Queen,” Erwin said.   
“It’s all thanks to you,” you responded.  
“No, it is thanks to all of our efforts. Each one of us.” 

The four of you looked at each other reflecting on the things you’ve done to get to this point. Many sacrifices were made to get here including the friends and family that were lost. The four of you shared a moment of silence before Levi instructed Hange to follow him. He figured you would want some time alone with Erwin. Hange protested at first but then followed him leaving you two alone. You tucked your hair behind your ear and then looked up at Erwin trying to read his expression.

“Are you happy?” you asked him.   
“I’m satisfied with what we have accomplished thus far.”   
“You should be happy, Erwin. Be happy for once in your life...”   
“I can’t be happy until we’ve reached that basement.”   
“Your obsession with Eren’s basement isn’t for humanity,” you called him out. “It’s for you.”   
“Yes, you’re right.”  
“But I think we’re all motivated by our own personal reasons… I know I am.” 

You came closer to him and put your hand on the upper part of his chest right over his heart. He placed his hand over yours and held it firmly. 

“You shouldn’t go on that expedition,” you pleaded.   
“I have to.”   
“You made me change my path, why can’t you do the same?”   
“It’s my dream.”   
“Everything is always one way with you… That’s not fair.”   
“Are you regretting your decision?”   
“No. I don’t regret it but I did it for you. That’s my point.”   
“You remember what I told you about my father, don’t you?”   
“Of course.”   
“This is the only way I can atone for what I’ve done. He deserves to finally have his answers… Only then can my father be at peace.” 

You folded your hand into a fist over his heart and lowered your head. You were at a loss with him in the same way he was with you. You knew it was pointless to try to stop him but you wanted to. 

“I understand why it means so much to you I just—”  
“You’re frustrated with me, I know.”   
“All I ask is… Please be careful… And don’t lose your other arm.”   
“I will try to keep all of my limbs.” 

You smiled a painful smile at Erwin’s attempt to be light hearted about the situation. You craned your neck up to kiss him making it your first kiss in public. Your relationship was hardly a secret anymore and it didn’t matter. Erwin considered what he should do with his life after he accomplished his goal. He decided in his heart that he wanted to spend it with you as your husband instead of your Commander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a plot twist in this one :) 
> 
> The next chapter will be our last chapter with Erwin before you know what happens :( I'm so not ready...


	26. Proposals

One week later you started to settle into the Military Police Regiment. Nile had you oversee the First Interior Squad which had undergone major changes since the coup d’etat. Originally, they reported to no one but the Royal Government. Now, they would answer to you and you would answer to Nile. He made that decision based on your skills and experience. You were the only high ranking female officer in the Military Police. You learned Nile wasn’t that bad compared to the rest of them. The other officers were unapologetically lethargic and overly indulgent. 

Roeg and Dennis were the worst of the bunch. Both of them heavily drank and gambled instead of doing any real work. On top of that, Roeg had spread a nasty rumor that you got your position by performing sexual favors for Nile. It was a rumor with the potential to ruin Nile’s family if it were to gain any traction. His family was what he cared about most of all. You took it upon yourself to stop it before it got out of hand. You found the two of them playing poker at a table with their fellow officers and drinking. You approached the table pretending to be curious yet intimidated by them. 

“Sorry to bother you,” you said nicely to them. “I just wanted to ask if I could play cards with you… It looks like a lot of fun.”  
“Have you ever played before?”  
“No, not really… I might not be any good…”  
“Don’t worry, we’ll teach you.”  
“It’s not too much trouble?”  
“Not at all.”

You sat down at the table grateful to them for letting you join in. The character you were playing was naive and silly. Roeg explained the game to you while purposely leaving out some things here and there. Dennis became comfortable with you, too comfortable, and put his arm around you. He was under the impression that you might offer your ‘services’ to him. You played along for now and he ‘graciously’ offered you some wine. You declined it telling them that you didn’t drink. When Roeg was finished with his explanation of the game you played your first round with them. You purposely threw the first game to make your act more convincing.

“Aww… I lost,” you pouted.  
“That’s too bad… You’ll win next time,” Dennis said.  
“You know what, I think you’re right.”

You lost some money but you were going to win it all back, and then some. The bets were raised to take advantage of your naivety. When the cards were dealt for the second game you smiled mischievously and revealed your true colors. You had a full house and won the pot. You knocked Dennis’s arm off your shoulder and pulled all the money from the center of the table towards you. 

“Beginner’s luck, I guess,” you smirked. “You know, this is fun.” 

The officers were unsettled by your win and sudden personality change. Roeg brushed it off as luck and started off another round which you also won. You won serval more rounds after that and cleaned out every officer at that table. Roeg slammed his fists on the table angrily knocking over the bottle of wine he was drinking. 

“Liar! You conned us!” he shouted.  
“Yes I did,” you said proudly. “Let that be a lesson to you, fellas. Don’t underestimate me.” 

Everyone at that table scowled at you with contempt which only made your smirk grow. You leaned back in your chair crossing one leg over the other and crossed your arms as well. Your expression turned dark and serious making the officers at the table nervous. 

“So let’s get down to business, shall we?” You said to Roeg. “That rumor, shut it down.”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Roeg responded.  
“I couldn’t give less of a shit what you say about me, but this isn’t just about me.”  
“You just appeared out of nowhere and took hold of the First Interior Squad! What are we supposed to believe?”  
“I assure you I’m qualified.”  
“Oh yeah, real ‘qualified,’ I’m sure.”  
“The truth is you pigs have no idea what I’m capable of,” you said with your tone darkening. “Shut it down unless you want to find out.” 

Roeg scoffed not taking you seriously and reached for another bottle of wine to replace the one that fell. In what seemed like a flash you snatched the bottle and grabbed Roeg by the wrist. You bent it back enough to hurt him but not enough to break it. All of the officers at the table were startled, even Dennis. He didn't want any trouble, unlike Roeg who couldn’t keep his big mouth shut. 

“What do you think, Roeg?” you mocked. “Am I qualified now?” 

Roeg was caught off guard by your strength and you successfully frightened him. The officers look at each other unsure what they should do. If they were to attack you they would be taken down easily. 

“What’s going on in here?” Nile barked entering the room.  
“Just making some friends,” you joked. “Nothing to worry about, Sir.”  
“Well knock it off and come with me.” 

You let go of Roeg’s wrist with a smile and rose from the seat. Before following Nile you cleared the table of the drinks and gathered the table cloth to take your winnings. You threw it over your shoulder and followed Nile out of the room. He sighed not the least bit surprised by the trouble you were causing with the other officers. 

“The queen wants to go to Trost to speak with the citizens directly,” he informed you. “You’ll be accompanying her with me…”  
“Got it.”  
“Also, I wasn’t going to bring this up… But there’s a rumor going around that you slept with me to get your job.”  
“Huh, this is the first I’m hearing of it…” you said trying to act surprised.  
“I want you to know I’d never be unfaithful to my wife and the whole thing makes me sick. I’m going to find out who started it and put a stop to it.”  
“You do that, Nile.” 

The issue was already taken care of but hearing him say that made you gain some respect for him. Before, you had no idea why Erwin would ever be friends with Nile. You had preconceived notions about the sort of man he was. You were quickly learning that you were wrong about him. He was a man of good character trying to redeem himself as a Commander. 

That day you accompanied him and the queen in Trost. She aimed to change the way things were by helping the needy in any way she could. Trost was rebuilding itself but there were many people left in poverty. Historia met with the people and listened to their concerns while you guarded her. You had a rifle in your hand instead of a sword like you were used to. Among those in the crowd was your mother. You glanced at her and then looked away pretending to not have seen her. She continued to stare at you debating to approach you or not. Historia took notice and wondered why that woman was so fascinated with you. 

“Do you know that woman?” she asked you. “She’s been staring at you.”  
“She’s my mother,” you sighed. “She left me when I was a kid and now she’s the one going through some rough times.”  
“Oh… Do you hate her?”  
“I used to,” you responded honestly. “But regardless of what I feel she needs help so we should help.” 

Historia liked your answer and looked up to you in admiration. You looked to the side feeling a little embarrassed by the queen drawing attention to you. 

“You’re so kind…”  
“I’m really not…” 

Historia took a liking to you right away after that. You two had quite a bit in common considering you were both former scouts and the relationship with your mothers was practically nonexistent. She felt most comfortable with you out of all the Military Police officers. You traveled with her often and guarded her with your life. You appreciated her desire to help others and fully supported her efforts. She asked for your advice on military affairs and even trivial things like her hairstyle. It was humbling to have the queen trust you so much. 

Queen Historia’s big project was creating a place of refuge for the poor and abandoned children from the underground. Levi supported the idea and so did you. At the meeting, you sat across from Levi who advocated for the project. When he was finished speaking you did the same using your own experiences to emphasize the importance of this farm. Your argument was more about the exploitation and abuse of children in poverty. He admired how passionate you were about what you believed in.

Two months later, the farm was approved and the orphanage was built for the children. You spent quite a bit of time on the farm with the queen to ensure she was protected. The children took a liking to you and a little boy asked to hold your gun. You scolded the child telling him that guns weren’t for children and that you would bring some toys for them next time. Historia even convinced her friends to help out with the chores on the farm which they complained about. You stood watch near the barn beside a pile of firewood. Eren approached the firewood and took a few logs. He didn't leave right away and looked troubled. 

“Do you need something, Eren?” you asked him.  
“…Do you still want to know about my dad?” 

You nodded and Eren reluctantly explained what they knew so far about his father. There was still missing information that they needed to obtain but you got your answer. Grisha was not killed by the Military Police for knowing too much. He was eaten by Eren after he was injected with the serum. You were sickened at first but then you were relieved to finally have some answers. There was a lot to consider from what Eren told you. Grisha may not have been who you thought he was but you were alive today all because of him.

“I don’t know if your father was a good person or a bad person,” you said sincerely. “But he was a good doctor so regardless of what you find in that basement that is how I will remember him.” 

Eren was surprised to hear your response and wasn’t sure how he felt about his father right now. Mikasa abruptly interrupted the discussion and stole the logs Eren was carrying. 

“Eren, I told you to rest.”  
“And I told you to stop treating me like an old man!”  
“He’s fine, Mikasa,” you assured her. “He can carry a few logs on his own…” 

Eren stole the firewood back from Mikasa and walked away annoyed. She glared at you and you lightly chuckled at her overprotective behavior. It was amusing because she reminded you a lot of yourself. 

“Hey Mikasa, can I ask you something?” you said in a friendly tone.  
“…”  
“Do you ever get tired chasing Eren around all the time?”  
“…”  
“I mean, it’s exhausting, right? I know it is from personal experience…”  
“…”  
“You don’t talk a lot, do you?”  
“…”  
“Okay, let me ask you another question. What’s one thing you don’t like about Eren? One thing that gets on your damn nerves.”  
“…”  
“You don’t have to feel guilty about it, no one’s perfect. It’s a special thing when you can stand by someone despite all their flaws.” 

Mikasa looked down feeling bad but she knew exactly what she wanted to say. It was the very thing that made her worry about him constantly. 

“He’s reckless,” she said quietly.  
“He sure is…” you said thinking of Erwin. “It’s infuriating isn’t it?” 

Mikasa nodded and then pulled her scarf up to cover her mouth. You saw she wasn’t completely comfortable with talking to people she didn't know well. It was also a subject she didn't want to discuss given how personal it was. You knew exactly what she felt as you spent many years chasing after Erwin and fretting over his safety. You wished he would slow down but it was his dream that drove him to such great extremes. 

“I like your scarf,” you said trying to keep the conversation going. “It’s cute.”  
“Thank you.”

Mikasa walked away and while it wasn’t much it was something. It was the first time you had a real conversation with her. You silently observed squad Levi as they carried out their duties. You thought of your own squad including the former members who were still alive. Blair took over her father’s company without dispute and agreed to let Henry’s wife and child live on the estate. Alice joined the fourth squad and was able to be closer to Moblit now. It made you happy to know that they were doing well without you. 

A few days before the expedition to retake Wall Maria you went to visit the Survey Corps headquarters for the first time since you left the regiment. You were escorted to Erwin’s office by another soldier even though you knew where it was. You knocked on the door lightly and were instructed to enter. You entered the office holding a large envelope and shut the door behind you. Erwin put down whatever he was reading and gave you his full attention as you approached his desk.

“Is it a good time?”  
“Yes, it’s a good time,” Erwin said. “I was planning on visiting you myself.”  
“Really?”  
“We haven’t seen each other in a little while.”  
“Yeah… And um, I’ve got something for you.”  
“Oh?”  
“Well, it’s not a gift or anything… But I want you to take a look at this.” 

You handed Erwin the large envelope which he opened and pulled several documents from it. He silently skimmed over the papers as you cleared your throat to give him context. 

“It’s my proposal for a new hospital to be built,” you explained. “I’m calling it the Reiss recovery project. This hospital will be open to all but it will specialize in soldiers who have been traumatized by their experiences. The Survey Corps would benefit the most from it which is why I’m showing you.”  
“You want my support?”  
“I’d probably have a better chance of getting it approved if I did… But I was going to ask if you could look it over and tell me what you think.”  
“I understand, give me a moment to review your proposal.” 

You nodded and sat in a chair waiting for him to look it over. You couldn’t help but feel nervous about it. You played with your blue bolo tie looking up every so often. As usual, you couldn’t read his expression. It felt as if he was taking forever even though it only took him twenty minutes to read through everything thoroughly. When he was finished he put the papers in order and tapped them against the table to even them out. 

“It’s good,” he said.  
“Really?” You responded getting excited. “You’re not just saying that?”  
“No, I see it as nothing but beneficial however it will be costly. The budget you have here isn’t considering the number of staff required. Estimate exactly how many doctors and nurses it will take to run this hospital. Every detail needs to be accounted for.”  
“Right.”  
“You also mentioned something about special programs. You should write out what those special programs are in detail. The way it is written now is too vague.”  
“Alright…”  
“And I would suggest meeting with Commander Pyxis to get his support as well.”  
“Do you think I need it?”  
“It couldn’t hurt.” 

Erwin signed the first document to show his support for the project. He put the papers back into the envelope for you. 

“When you present your proposal be confident in your idea. Do not be nervous.”  
“Thank you, Erwin.” 

He handed the envelope back to you and you placed it underneath the chair. You didn't want to leave right away. In truth, you almost used your special project as an excuse to come see him. Erwin didn't want you to leave just yet either and thought maybe now would be a good time to ask you what’s been on his mind for the past two months. 

“So, how have you been?” Erwin asked.  
“Good, busy… Well, at least I’ve been busy, unlike those other buffoons.”  
“Nile speaks well of you.”  
“You’ve spoken to him?”  
“He sent me a letter about your progress. He says you’re a bit of a handful but he praised your determination and dedication.”  
“Oh really? Well, I guess he’s pretty okay too…”  
“You are making great strides."

Erwin smiled softly and you smiled back at him. Right after that he got up from his chair and walked around his desk. He stood directly in front of you and looked serious. You weren’t sure why his expression changed so suddenly, it was almost concerning. 

“Before you go… I have something for you as well.”  
“What is it?” 

You instinctively stood up while Erwin reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. He held it out to you and your breath hitched. You didn't want to jump to any conclusions but you had a feeling you knew what this was. You composed yourself and just barely touched the box with your fingertips. 

“What is this, Erwin?”  
“Open it and see for yourself.” 

You took the box from him and opened It seeing the ring inside. You covered your mouth in shock and disbelief. Erwin took the box from you and got down on one knee holding it in the palm of his hand. 

“Will you marry me?”  
“I—I thought you didn't want to get married…”  
“That was before when I was satisfied with being Commander of the Survey Corps and nothing else. I never realized how truly empty my life was until now, so I have decided to settle down after we reach the basement and reclaim Wall Maria.” 

You were taken aback by his heartfelt confession to you. Originally, neither of you wanted to get married. Now, matured and worn out from the military you wanted nothing more than to marry him. 

“What do you say?” He asked you. “Do you accept or refuse?”  
“I accept…”  
“It makes me very happy to hear you say that,” Erwin said with a light smile. “Take the ring from the box and place it onto your finger.” 

Erwin held the box as you took the engagement ring from it and slid it onto your own finger. Erwin closed the box and put it back into his pants pocket. He rose from the kneeling position and closed the space between you two. 

“Would you like to start a family?” He asked softly.  
“Erwin… You know I can’t give you a child.”  
“We can adopt from the orphanage.”  
“Is this really what you want?”  
“I know this is what you want.”  
“It would make me happy…”  
“Then it is something to consider. You would make a wonderful mother.”  
“Thank you… You would make a good father.”  
“I have to disagree with you there.”  
“A good father cares for his children and I know you would at least do that.” 

Erwin was doubtful that he would be a good parent and thought briefly about his own father. He was lucky to have him as a father and educator. You saw the sad look in his eye and knew exactly what he was thinking about. You took his hand in yours bringing his attention back to you and gave him a soft smile. Erwin briefly kissed you on the lips and rubbed his thumb over your hand. 

“You don’t have anything to do at the moment, do you?” he asked you.  
“No, I’m free for the rest of the day.”  
“Then let’s go to my quarters.” 

Erwin led you by the hand to his bedroom and as soon as the door shut you were backed up against it. His hand pressed against the wood of the door beside your head. He leaned in as if he was going to kiss you but instead whispered an order into your ear. He ordered you to strip down to your underwear. His orders only went as far as the bedroom now. You were no longer under his jurisdiction and that was healthy for your relationship. 

You did as he said starting with your bolo tie and Military Police coat, tossing both items to the side. You started to unbutton your white shirt with a slight smirk on your face. He gave you a smirk back waiting for you to remove the rest of your clothing. Erwin had seen your body countless times but it was still exciting every time. When you were down to your underwear you threw your arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. Erwin put his knee against the door between your legs. You took the cue and rocked your hips back and forth while kissing him. When both of you were fully aroused Erwin pulled back from you panting lightly. 

“Now take off the rest,” he ordered.  
“Do I get to keep the ring on?” You teased.  
“Of course.” 

You unhooked your bra and threw it to the side along with your underwear which you slipped off immediately after. Erwin admired the future Mrs. Smith as you caressed the side of his face. You kissed again briefly before he carried you over to the bed. Erwin dug his knees into the mattress trying to undress himself with one hand. You sat up to help him and managed to at least get his shirt off. 

Erwin started at your neck and then peppered kisses down your body. You laid back down and arched your back sensitive to his warm kisses. When he reached his destination between your legs you moaned loudly and grasped his hair messing it up like always. When you were close to an orgasm you instructed him to stop and you returned the favor. Neither of you ever spent a lot of time on foreplay but today was different. Today both of you wanted to savor each other for as long as you could. It was lengthy love making session and you stayed with him over night instead of leaving right away. 

The next day when you returned to the Military Police, Nile saw the wedding ring and congratulated you on your engagement. He never thought Erwin, of all people, would want to live life the same way he did. He was happy for his old friend but wondered if that was really what he wanted. Just two days before the expedition to Shiganshina Erwin had a meeting with his officers. Once the meeting was over Levi practically shoved everyone out to speak with Erwin privately. 

He tried to persuade Erwin to not go on the expedition and wait back in Trost. Unlike you, he wasn’t so understanding about it. Levi made him admit his true motivation and threatened to break both of his legs. It couldn’t be helped and Erwin remained firm in his decision. Right before Levi walked out Erwin asked him to share a drink with him later. He didn't offer a response and left. Later that night after the special dinner and everyone went to bed he returned to see Erwin. He knocked on the door and was instructed to enter. Erwin was pleased to see Levi came back and got the whisky bottle. 

“I’m glad you accepted my invitation.”  
“I’m here for the liquor, not for you.” 

Erwin let out a breathless chuckle and poured him a glass of whisky. He held it out to him with a light smile as if everything was perfectly fine between them. Levi snatched the glass from him and gave him the side eye. He showed up despite being annoyed with Erwin for putting his self interests above everything else. It meant a lot to Erwin that he came despite their disagreement. Erwin poured himself a glass as well and then sat down in his chair. 

“When you asked me earlier about what happens after we retake Wall Maria I answered in terms of the Military. Now, I’d like to share something with you as your friend.”  
“Get to the damn point.”  
“I finally asked her to marry me and she accepted…”

Levi was genuinely surprised to hear him say that. His eyes went wide and then narrowed. He took a sip of his drink before responding to that. 

“So, you’re engaged now?”  
“Yes, we are.”  
“Well, congratulations…”  
“You don’t seem very thrilled.”  
“I thought I told you making false promises was a dick move.”  
“I intend to keep my promise.”  
“It’s not up to you. Live or die, you can’t do both.”  
“We already went through this, Levi.” 

Levi was angry that even the engagement wasn’t enough to deter him from putting his life at risk. Originally, he was going to let it go knowing he couldn’t stop Erwin but this changed everything. He stared at Erwin resenting him for getting your hopes up. If there was a reason for him to stay behind, it was you. 

“But if it comes to it, I want you to take care of her,” Erwin said solemnly.  
“What?”  
“I know you will treat her well.”  
“I think those MPs hit you over the head a little too hard,” Levi spat. “You can’t just pick a successor for your god damn relationship. It doesn’t work like that.”  
“One date couldn’t hurt. You could at least agree to that.”  
“I’m not dating her,” Levi snapped. “What? Does the idea of us fucking get you off or something? Didn’t know you were a freak.”  
“I’m only speaking hypothetically, Levi. I want to know there will be someone there for her in my absence. There’s no reason to get so worked up.”  
“You can’t put that on me.”  
“You love her too, you said so yourself.” 

It was just like Erwin to think of a backup plan even for something like this. Levi threw his head back drinking the liquor in one go and then slammed it down on Erwin’s desk.

“Thanks for the drink.” 

Levi walked off appalled by Erwin’s request and slammed the door on him. He thought it was just his way of satisfying his conscience knowing he was choosing his dream over you. Erwin was left alone to contemplate whether or not he was doing the right thing. He sat back in his chair looking at his glass thinking of you. Your dream and his dream were at odds with each other and he tried very hard to make both your dreams a reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, everyone say bye to Erwin, you know what's coming next chapter :(


	27. Broken Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go :( Heavy angst in this chapter.

The day of the expedition to Shiganshina was finally here and you came to see the Survey Corps off. For the first time ever the civilians gave the soldiers a proper send off cheering for their victory. Erwin was on top of the wall with his soldiers excited by the support. He raised his arm and let out a loud battle cry for the crowd who cheered back at him. He looked happy standing high above everyone with the pink dusted clouds behind him. You threw your arms up in the air cheering on Erwin and the scouts along with the civilians. You didn’t think Erwin could see you from that far up but he looked down at you before beginning the operation. He was proud of you for all that you’ve accomplished but your heart was swollen with pride for him too. 

You stood by Erwin all these years watching him lose over and over. You wanted to see him win for once. You would have liked to fight alongside him but you respected his wish. Erwin was relieved that he removed you from the battlefield. Whatever the outcome he knew you were safe within the Military Police. Levi also took comfort in the fact that you weren’t joining them. Alice was among the soldiers going to Shiganshina and stayed close to Hange and Moblit. She remembered everything you taught her and prepared herself for the upcoming expedition.

Later, you returned to your room to wait for the scouts to come back, hopefully with a victory. Meanwhile, Nile was among the other officers and military leaders including Zachary. He mused on his younger days with Erwin and regretted making fun of his old friend’s conspiracy theories. He expressed his regret to the other officers at the table and was encouraged by Zachary to make amends with him when he returned.

Eventually, Anka informed them that the Scouts returned from the expedition. Nile found out before you that Erwin Smith was dead. He was shocked although he shouldn’t have been considering all the risks he took. Erwin gambled with his life so many times it was a wonder how he made it this far. Nile thought he should tell you personally before you heard it from someone else or worse, during the briefing. Nile went to your room and knocked on the door. You told him to enter and looked up at him with anticipation. 

“The Scout Regiment came back,” he informed you.  
“Did they do it? Did they retake the wall?”  
“Yeah, they did…”  
“They did it… I knew they would! That’s another win for humanity!” 

You threw your arm up offering Nile a high five for the Survey Corps’ victory. He left you hanging and looked at you with pity. It was the same way he looked at you when you thought Erwin was going to hang. You lowered your arm confused and concerned by his expression.

“What’s wrong?” You asked him.  
“I um… You might want to sit down…”  
“What happened?”  
“He… He didn’t make it…” Nile forced himself to say.  
“…What do you mean he didn't make it?”  
“Erwin is dead.” 

Your whole body went stiff and you couldn’t comprehend what Nile just said. He rubbed the back of his neck and averted his gaze. You clenched your fists believing that this was just a cruel joke to get back at you for your actions against the Military Police.  
“That’s not funny, Nile.”  
“I’m not joking.”  
“I don’t believe you!”  
“Do you need to see his body? Is that enough proof?” 

Nile’s words hit you right in the gut and the reality of the situation started to set in. Your breathing became labored. 

“No— He… He always comes back.”  
“…”  
“No, this isn’t right. He always comes back! Did he put you up to this!?”  
“…"  
“Nile!”  
“Don’t make this harder for yourself.”  
“I don’t believe you!” you shouted. “It’s not true!”  
“Just breath.”  
“It isn’t true!” 

Your Commander pulled you into an embrace as you tried to remain in denial. You resisted at first but then stopped fighting after coming to a horrifying conclusion. The fact that Nile was hugging you proved it was true. You let out a deafening cry of anguish for the loss of your love. Your powerful wailing brought tears to his eyes as he empathized with you. All of your hopes and dreams for the future were shattered with Erwin’s death. He was your everything. 

“We were gonna start a family…” you muffled into his coat.  
“I know.” 

It wasn’t his responsibility to console you as a Commander but he felt it was his duty as Erwin’s friend. Nile remembered Erwin telling him that he wished to remain single and that he didn’t desire the typical domesticated life. When a beautiful woman would show interest he would politely shoo her away. He couldn’t shoo you away, although he tried early on. Erwin always knew that it would come to this and deep in your heart you knew it too. You did everything in your power to keep him alive but it just wasn’t enough. 

“Was it worth it, Erwin?” Nile thought to himself. “Was it really worth it?” 

Nile knew how important Erwin’s dream was to him but he gave up a life of happiness with you for it. Nile would have made a different choice he never quite saw eye to eye with Erwin. He tried to gently push you off of himself and held you by your shoulders. Your cheeks were red, your throat was getting sore, and the tears kept pouring out of your eyes. 

“I’ll give you two weeks off to grieve,” he said. “After that, I’ll need you back." 

You nodded understanding that you still had responsibilities to uphold. Nile left you alone after that to give you some time to process Erwin’s death. You lost your grip on your sobriety again and this time you thought about giving up on the goal for good. It took a lot of effort to fight your urges. You practically had an endless supply of liquor in the Military Police officer’s lounge. You drank until you were in a drunken stupor and did the same the next day. You kept thinking that at any moment Erwin would waltz through the door and tell you how foolish you were for thinking he was dead. He would remind you that he always has an ace up his sleeve and not to underestimate him. You stared at the door waiting for him but he never came through it. 

You missed the briefing about what was found in Eren’s basement. Nile told you what was found in the basement and that there was a whole world out there. It was a long conversation because there was a lot to explain, particularly the part about Marley. 

“So, he was right..?” You asked Nile.  
“Yeah, he was right.” 

You gained some comfort from the fact that Erwin’s conspiracy theories weren’t just nonsense. Erwin and his father were right to believe there was life beyond the walls. Now, they could rest easy knowing it was true. You slowly started to come to accept his death at that point. After the briefing Commander Hange asked Nile to not tell you the true nature of Erwin’s death. Hange explained that it would do you no good and he agreed.

Soon after, the royal government put together a ceremony to honor those who survived Shiganshina. One of the survivors was Alice who witnessed Moblit's sacrifice for herself. Before the ceremony, you approached Hange and Alice who were together. Her eyes were as soulless as yours due to the loss of her love too. If anyone could understand what she was feeling right now, it was you. Without a single word, you pulled her into a gentle hug.

“I’m so sorry about Moblit…” you said softly.  
“I was right there… I… He was so brave…” 

You nodded and continued to hold her while she teared up. Hange silently observed the pained embrace. When you let go of Alice you turned to Hange and hugged them as well. 

“How about Erwin? You asked Hange. “Was he brave?”  
“Of course he was,” Hange assured you during the hug. “Erwin led the charge while Levi went after the Beast Titan. He died on the battlefield with the other soldiers…” 

Hange’s version of the story was only partly true but it was satisfying for you. Alice kept quiet despite knowing it was a lie. She also thought it was best to let you believe that instead of telling you what actually happened. You let go of Hange and looked down at the floor sadly. 

“I guess he forgot an important rule in gambling…” you muttered.  
“And what rule is that?” Hange asked.  
“You can only rely on luck so much until it runs out… I guess his luck finally ran out…” 

Hange felt conflicted about deceiving you and gave you a slight nod. When you walked away Levi came out from around the corner. He heard the whole exchange between Hange, Alice, and you. 

“You really think lying to her is a good idea?” Levi asked Hange. “She’s going to find out the truth eventually.”  
“Let’s hope you’re far away when she does.”  
“I’m not afraid of her.”  
“That’s not the point.”  
“I can handle her.”

Alice looked at Levi silently asking him not to hurt you if you turned violent. He met her gaze and then walked away. You stood alone wanting nothing more than to run and hide. Being here was overwhelming and the sadness in the room was immense. You heard someone say your name and you turned in the direction of the voice. Commander Pyxis approached you and while you wanted to slip away you remained there out of respect. 

“Erwin was really something, wasn’t he?” Pyxis said.  
“…”  
“You have my deepest condolences.” 

You nodded and thanked him although you weren’t sure how he knew about your relationship with Erwin. You had nothing further to say to the Commander but he remained. Pyxis reached into his coat and got his flask out. Pyxis took a swig of his flask and you eyed it with desperation. 

“Commander Pyxis,” you abruptly said.  
“Yes, is there something you need?”  
“Can I borrow that?” 

Pyxis handed you the flask and you took a swig yourself. Instead of handing it back to him, you walked away with it. Nile came behind Pyxis and observed you with him. 

“Don’t count on getting that back,” Nile commented.  
“Oh that’s alright,” Pyxis responded. “She could use it more than me right now.”  
“She’s been like this for days.”  
“I can imagine.”

You pushed yourself to stay and took sips from the flask when you needed it. Suddenly, you heard some shouting coming from the younger recruits. You went to see what was going on and caught only part of an argument between Floch and Eren. Something was being said about Armin and Erwin that left you confused. Levi stepped in before the argument escalated and told them to get ready for the ceremony. You stopped Floch before he entered the hall and asked to speak with him in private quickly. Levi looked back at you knowing what you were going to ask him. Instead of stopping you from finding out the truth, he proceeded to enter the hall for the ceremony. 

“What were you talking about?” You asked him. “What about Armin?”  
“Captain Levi made the wrong choice.”  
“What choice?”  
“You don’t know? Seriously? Where have you been?” 

Your patience was paper thin at the moment and grabbed the collar of his coat. You nearly picked the boy off the ground. 

“Tell me what Captain Levi did. Now.” 

Floch briefly explained to you that Erwin and Armin were both on the brink of death. Levi chose to give the serum he was entrusted with to Armin which saved him but caused Erwin to die. As if Erwin's death wasn’t hard enough to accept your friendship with Hange and Levi was shattered in an instant. Floch made it worse for you by expressing his strong disapproval of Levi’s choice again. You told him to go in a voice that didn’t sound like you at all. 

Erwin’s death was devastating but this revelation broke something in your mind. As the soldiers entered the ceremony you drank what was left in Pyxis’ flask and when it was empty you started to chuckle. You covered your mouth with your hand so you didn’t create a scene and continued to laugh into your hand as tears pricked your eyes. You were descending into madness as your grief was taking a hold of you. You tried to compose yourself before going to witness the ceremony.

Historia presented a bolo tie with the wings of freedom to each of the soldiers who survived the battle for Shiganshina. You watched Historia put the medal around Levi’s neck scowling at the back of his head. 

“He’s not a hero,” you thought to yourself. “He’s a murderer.” 

Levi kissed her hand after receiving his medal as everyone else did. The fact that he was graciously accepting this medal for his bravery made your blood boil.

“He probably planned this,” you thought. “He tried to kill him before… Who’s to say he didn’t hold a grudge all these years?” 

Your inner voice which usually guided you and helped you make hard decisions turned dark. Your conscience left you and all that was left was an intense desire for revenge. You left the ceremony before it concluded with the intent to kill Levi. Later that same day Levi returned to his room and knew right away someone was there. He knew it was you and proceeded to open the door anyway. 

As expected he saw you sitting at a table in his room leaned back in a chair. There were several bottles of alcohol on the table and a bottle in your hand. You threw your head back taking a big swig before slamming it down on the table. There was also a lantern on the table and a sharp knife. Levi shut the door behind him and stayed in place waiting for you to notice him.

“Hey there Levi,” you said not looking at him. “Come in, I’ve been keeping the seat warm for you…” 

Your voice was deceptively cheery as you picked up the knife resting on the table. The glow of the lantern made your features look sharp and sinister. Your hair was loose and your narrow eyes were focused on the knife.

“I’ve been sittin’ here thinking about how I’m going to kill you,” you said casually caressing the knife. “I think I’ll do it Titan style and slice your nape… That would be an ironic death for humanity’s strongest soldier… It’s almost funny if you think about it.”  
“So, you finally snapped,” Levi said unfazed. “Honestly, I’m surprised it didn't happen sooner.”  
“Or I could just gut you,” you said ignoring him. “That would work too… Either way, you’re going to die today.”  
“Erwin’s dead,” Levi said sternly. “You can’t change that.”  
“He survived and YOU let him die! YOU BASTARD!” 

You threw the bottle you were previously drinking which hit the wall next to Levi’s head. The liquor splattered onto the right side of his coat and the side of his face. He was still unfazed and didn’t even flinch. The broken shards of glass were scattered at his feet. That bottle was a warning and instead of leaving Levi walked towards you. He took off his liquor stained coat and threw it to the side not concerned where it landed right now. He wiped the side of his face with the back of his hand and stood across from you silently. 

“Hange lied to me to cover your ass,” you said looking up at him. “You weren’t man enough to tell me yourself because you knew… You knew what you did…”  
“…”  
“Were you waiting for this?”  
“…”  
“Were you just pretending all this time and waiting for the perfect opportunity to finally kill him?”  
“Do you really believe that?”  
“I don’t know what to believe,” you said with a breathless chuckle. “I guess you finally avenged Furlan and Isabel, right?”  
“Shut your mouth before I get angry,” Levi warned you. “They have nothing to do with this.”  
“Go ahead, Levi. Get angry! I’m seething.” 

You jumped out of your seat knocking the chair over in the process rushed towards Levi with the knife. He effortlessly avoided your attack and you immediately followed up with another. This brought Levi back to the first time you attempted to kill him many years ago. Your movements were the same but you were stronger now. You were also overcome with grief which made you even fiercer. Levi didn’t want to hurt you and stuck to defensive maneuvers. 

Levi saw an opening when you stumbled and slipped behind you. He pinned you against the wall and held your arm with the knife above your head. His other hand held your head against the wall. 

“Stop it,” he ordered. “You’re going to hurt yourself.” 

You threw the knife to your other hand with a flick of your wrist. You turned the knife around holding it backward in the way he usually did. You attempted to stab his leg which he just nearly avoided by jumping back. You were freed when he jumped back and whipped around using his own spin technique against him. Levi was surprised you used his technique and just barely avoided it. 

He gave you a strong kick to gain some distance and you hit the wall and then the floor. You pushed yourself off the ground with your hair hanging over your face. He looked at you silently asking if you were going to keep going. You stared him down intensely and flipped the knife back around as an answer. The tension was thick and after taking a moment to catch your breath you rushed towards him again with an impassioned war cry. 

Levi was already worn out physically and mentally from the battle for Shiganshina. If you ever had a chance to defeat him it was here and now. He considered letting you win and putting him out of his misery once and for all. He thought all he had to do was stay still and it would all be over. When the knife nearly pierced his throat Levi felt immense strength course through him as he felt several times in his life before. His hand instinctively caught your wrist without him consciously telling himself to do that. This instinct to survive was the gift and curse of the Ackermann clan. 

You tried desperately to force the knife into his throat while gritting your teeth. You couldn’t move your hand an inch. You tried to hit him with your other hand and he caught that wrist too. Levi had you restrained and squeezed your wrist forcing you to release the knife which fell to the floor with a thump. He kept a firm grasp on your wrists and looked into your eyes seriously. You tried to escape his grasp which was impossible now. You were running on alcohol and adrenaline while he was running on something else entirely. You were defeated and you started to tear up again. 

“I was your friend!” You desperately shouted. “He was your friend!”  
“…”  
“Why, Levi!?”  
“…”  
“Was it for Armin? Eren? Mikasa!? What was it!?”  
“…”  
“Tell me why!”  
“…”  
“ANSWER ME!”  
“Did you really want him to become a monster?” 

Your eyes widened with horror realizing what Erwin getting the serum instead would have meant. As a Titan, he would have had the power to do a lot worse than what occurred in Stohess. He would have become a weapon losing his humanity in the process. Levi’s decision wasn’t murder, it was mercy. He pulled you into an embrace and held you tightly as you tried to understand his reason. 

“You wanna kill me?” He asked in a softer tone. “Well, that’s fine with me… But you’re going to have to wait.”  
“…”  
“I’m going to kill that Beast Titan bastard and once I do that then you can kill me.”

You opened your mouth but nothing came out. Seeing you on the verge of insanity broke what was left of his heart. He tried to convince himself it was the right thing to do even if it felt wrong. 

“Stop crying and let him go,” Levi said bluntly. 

Your legs gave out from exhaustion and Levi leaned down to sit with you on the floor. He kept you pressed against him and didn't want you to see his face right now.

“Just let him go…”

The second time he wasn’t saying it to you but to himself. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he held you in his arms. 

“I don’t wanna kill you, Levi,” you said in-between sobs. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” 

You hugged him tightly crying into his shoulder as he supported the back of your head. His tears spilled out quietly without the desperate wailing your cries had. You stayed like this for a while until the tears stopped flowing. You stayed in a tight grieving embrace with Levi and fell asleep from physically and emotionally exhausting yourself. Levi carried you to his bed and brushed the hair out of your tear-stained face. He left you in his room and let you sleep peacefully.

You woke up the next morning with a headache and some nausea. You recalled the events from last night with great horror. You were ashamed of yourself for unleashing your wrath on Levi. You were wrong to blame him and question the validity of your friendship. It was too late to take back all the terrible things you said to him, the damage was done. As you replayed the events in your head Levi entered the room carrying a breakfast tray. He kicked the door shut with his foot and the slam made you jump a little on instinct. Levi stood near the door and looked straight at you. 

“About time you woke up,” he complained.  
“Ugh…”  
“Before you ask, no we didn’t sleep together. You wore yourself out trying to kill me.”  
“I know what happened, Levi. I wasn’t that drunk…” 

Levi huffed and walked over to the table in his room. He placed the tray on the table and then turned towards you while crossing his arms. 

“Well, here’s your breakfast. Eat it.”  
“…Why are you being nice to me even now?”  
“I didn't know giving someone a meal was considered ‘nice.’ I guess we’re ‘nice’ to the prisoners too then.”  
“I tried to kill you twice and came pretty close last night…”  
“Don’t flatter yourself, you can’t kill me.”  
“I don’t understand why you don’t hate me…”  
“Spare me the pity party, you became a widow before you even had the chance to be a bride. If I were you, I would have done the same thing.” 

You were touched by Levi’s compassion for you. Erwin’s death left both of you hollowed out and if it wasn’t for him both of you would be entirely different people. You swallowed the lump in your throat and prepared yourself to express how sorry you were again. 

“Levi—”  
“Just shut up and eat before it gets cold.” 

Levi cut you off not wanting to hear another apology from you. He walked towards the door and looked back at you before leaving. 

“Also, there’s someone here to see you,” he informed you.  
“I don’t want to see anyone right now…”  
“Too bad, I’m sending him in.” 

Levi left the room and soon after Armin entered. He found out about your engagement to the late Commander and was saddened by it. After learning that he decided to come pay his respects. Your eyes puffed with excessive crying and your hair was disheveled. Armin sat down in a chair and averted his gaze. 

“Hello…” he barely muttered.  
“…”  
“I um… How are you feeling?”  
“I’m fine, Armin.”  
“You’re lying.” 

As difficult as it was Armin forced himself to look at you. His eyes were watery yet determined and he seemed well beyond his years in terms of maturity. Coming to see you was mature in itself. You didn't deny his accusation and looked down clenching the bedsheets. 

“I just… I didn't know about you and Commander Erwin… Not that it was any of our business but—”  
“Armin, you don’t need to do this,” you curtly interrupted him.  
“No, I want to… I um…”  
“Don’t apologize to me for being alive.”  
“It shouldn’t have been me…”  
“Well, it was.”  
“But if it wasn’t— You… You would have—”  
“It wasn’t your fault or Captain Levi’s fault… Erwin knew the risks and went anyway because that was his duty as a Commander and his dream as a person. He made his choices…” 

Armin clenched his hands over his thighs and looked down as well. He respected you for supporting Erwin’s decisions despite how much it hurt you.

“He was a great Commander…” Armin said.  
“Yeah, he was…” 

You and Armin shared a moment of silence for Erwin. He looked up to him a great deal and felt unworthy of living instead of him. You reached out to Armin and put a hand on his arm.

“Live your life, Armin,” you urged him. “Be a good friend to Eren and Mikasa for as long as you can… Friends are important…”  
“I will…”

Armin stood up and gave you a quick bow out of respect and let himself out. You did your best to seem strong for Armin and to an extent it worked. After he left you threw the covers over your head and went back to bed letting the food on the table get cold. All you wanted was to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. Levi returned in the late afternoon and threw the covers off of you waking you up. You groaned and he placed the plate on the bed giving you a stern look. 

“I thought I told you to eat.”  
“Sorry, I’m not hungry…”  
“What? I gotta feed you too? Give me a damn break…”  
“Levi, I don’t need you to take care of me… I’m not your responsibility…”  
“When I come back that plate better be clean, or else.”  
“Levi…”  
“I’m serious.” 

Levi left the room again and you reluctantly picked up the fork. It shook in your hand while you brought the food to your lips. After shutting the door Levi leaned against it and slid down. He tilted his head back and ran a hand through his hair. There was nothing he could do for you now other than take care of you like Erwin wanted.

“Erwin,” Levi thought to himself. “I don’t know what you’re expecting out of me but I can’t be your replacement. I’m not you.”

Levi was troubled by Erwin’s request even if he did care a great deal about you. Erwin didn’t want you to end up alone but it wasn’t as simple as taking a new lover to fill the void in your heart. Only you could decide when you would be ready to move on and with who. It wasn’t something that was on your mind at the moment and it would be a while until you could love again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have one chapter left to go! The next chapter will be an epilogue and a time skip.


	28. Hope (epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey here's the final chapter! :D
> 
> Spoiler Warning: It does contain spoilers from season 4 and the manga. If you don't want spoilers please don't read it.

The reconstruction and rebirth of Paradis began one year after Erwin’s death. Reclaiming Wall Maria allowed Shiganshina to be repopulated once again. Wedding bells rang and babies were born. Life went on even though it felt as if your life was over. You felt a deep despair for the first few weeks after his passing. After you mourned you forced yourself to move forward as he always told you to do. Even on your darkest days, he told you to advance. You thought briefly about ending your life and joining him but you knew he would never forgive you if you did. Death wasn’t the answer and neither was drowning in alcohol.

You refocused on the Reiss Recovery Project which you pitched to the Royal Government. You did as Erwin said to do and remained confident in your idea when you presented it. The special programs included counseling with doctors and group talks. You also wanted there to be activities available such as gardening and recreational sports. You made them listen to why it was essential for the soldiers to have access to mental health resources. You used your own experiences to persuade them and presented Erwin’s signature showing that you had his support for the project. You also reached out to Commander Pyxis gaining his support as well. 

Historia loved your idea and Zachary reviewed the budget needed to create the hospital. After that, he gave you the final approval that you needed. When the project was approved for construction you were filled with a sense of accomplishment. You felt as if Erwin was watching you at that moment. You hoped that he was proud of you for doing what you said you would. After that, you returned to your duties in the Military Police. 

Your main job was protecting the queen and investigating crime, conspiracy, or any potential threat. The squad you commanded was bigger than just a handful of people and they respected you as their superior. You continued to keep your distance from the other Military Police officers and the only one you could have a casual conversation with was Nile. After Erwin’s death, he told you some stories about him from when he was a cadet. He said that in his youth he would talk nonstop which became annoying for everyone. These stories weren’t much but they made you laugh and brought you comfort. You became fond of Nile for supporting you during your grieving period and for being a faithful man to his wife and children.

Your opinion of Nile didn’t stop you from keeping the Scouts informed on Military Police activity. You listened to conversations and anything of interest was relayed to Levi. You disguised your messages as love letters so that if you were caught you would have an excuse. It also explained why you would meet with him in secret. Levi understood it was part of the act but receiving anything from you that resembled a love letter was strange. He informed you that they discovered the sea and another letter informed you about the Marleyan volunteer soldiers. 

Shortly after receiving word about them, you rode out to where the scouts were camping out to meet them for yourself. They were from nations Marley conquered and were forced to fight for them. Zeke Jaeger had saved them from death earning their respect and devotion. You didn’t trust them or Zeke for a single second and took it upon yourself to assess the situation. Levi made a promise to you that Erwin would be avenged but that didn’t stop you from wanting to take matters into your own hands. It was a long trip for you to make but you arrived at their camp. You sought out Yelena who was in a way a spokesperson for the volunteer soldiers. 

“And to who do I owe the pleasure?” Yelena asked you.  
“I’m the Captain of the First Interior Squad.”  
“You’re a long way from the interior, Captain.”  
“What can I say,” you said. “I like to travel.”  
“Indeed, it’s good to get some fresh air.”  
“I also wanted to meet your acquaintance.”  
“You came all this way just for me? I’m honored.” 

Yelena put her hand out to you and you took it. You shook her hand firmly and kept eye contact with her the whole time. She was not intimidated by you and was the same sort of woman you were. She was smart, deceptive, ruthless, and dedicated to her savior. As you were assessing her she was assessing you. Yelena glanced at your hand and noticed the engagement ring that you were still wearing. You never took it off even though a year had passed and your hopes of marriage were gone.

“Your husband is lucky to have such a stunning wife,” she casually said.  
“I’m not married,” you curtly responded. “My fiancé was the 13th Commander of the Survey Corps, the late Erwin Smith.”  
“How unfortunate.” 

Your grip on Yelena’s hand tightened but her facial expression didn’t change. She remained calm and composed as you squeezed her hand tightly. You stared her down with intensity and suddenly you felt someone slap your shoulder which startled you. You let go of Yelena’s hand and turned your head to see Hange next to you. 

“Oh!” Hange yelled. “I didn’t know you came to visit! Thanks for coming all this way just to see us!” 

Hange kept their hand planted firmly on your shoulder and gave you a light friendly rock. Levi came behind Hange and stayed ready to act in case you lost control. They were both displeased with you coming unannounced and knew why you were here. 

“Don’t do anything stupid,” Hange thought to themselves. “Trust us.”

Yelena observed you and Hange with cold expressionless eyes and you stared back at her. Hange put their arm around you and pulled you into a headlock that appeared to be a hug. It took the wind out of you and Hange smiled to keep up appearances. 

“Would you give us a moment to catch up?” Hange politely asked Yelena.  
“Of course.” 

Yelena politely walked away with her personal guard and once she was gone Hange let go of you. You coughed a little impressed by Hange’s strength and Levi came around to face you directly. 

“What are you doing here?” Levi asked sternly.  
“Does it matter?” You retorted.  
“Go back to the interior where you belong.”  
“I have the authority to investigate military matters.”  
“Yeah, inside the walls. You have no authority outside of them.”  
“I didn’t make any violations.”  
“You’re not a scout anymore, or did you forget that?” 

Levi’s bluntness made you angry and Hange stood between both of you. Hange gave you a serious look that warned you to stand down. Being in separate regiments put some strain on your friendship with them. Even after all that occurred following Erwin’s death they were still your friends. 

“I don’t trust that bitch,” you warned them. “Watch your backs.”  
“You underestimate us,” Hange responded. “We’ve got it under control. You should go back to your post, you’re more useful to us there.”  
“Wait,” a familiar voice said. “Don’t go yet.”

Alice came out to greet you before Hange and Levi forced you to leave. She gave you a hug which you weren’t expecting. You smiled gently and hugged her back. Hange instructed Alice to escort you back to the interior which gave you two some time to catch up. Alice was a Captain now and you were proud of her for it. She had difficulty with her confidence but now she seemed changed to you. The woman in front of you was fiercer and part of that was most likely a result of losing Moblit. She was angry too and used that anger to motivate her. Your other surviving squad member was still running her father’s company and had a lot of demands to meet with the reconstruction era. Business was booming and a lot of the business came from an advancement in technology. The soldiers from Marley introduced the islanders to all sorts of new technology from machines to advanced weapons. 

Another year passed, in 852 the hospital was finished and began to accept patients. Soldiers were encouraged to go and be evaluated but many of them did not. You went once it was finished and met with a doctor who claimed to study the mind. You had long discussions about your mother and father, your child abuse, your drinking, your brother, and the loss of Erwin. Your doctor pointed out that your grief was heightened by your fear of abandonment. She theorized that it hurt as much as it did because you felt abandoned again. Though you did not consciously believe that he abandoned you it made sense. She encouraged you to keep writing and you did. You continued to write your poetry and published a book of poems under an alias. All proceeds from the book were donated to the hospital. 

That same year Kiyomi Azumabito, an ambassador from Hizuru came to the island to establish an alliance. Kiyomi explained the plan to ensure the island was saved which involved Historia inheriting the Beast Titan from Zeke and having as many children as she could. In return, Hizuru would help the island advance its technology. Historia agreed to the plan much to your horror. You didn't believe Zeke had the best interest of the people of Paradis.

The queen’s decision created a stir within the Military Police and you continued to pass your letters along to Levi who was getting tired of this ruse. Your pretend relationship with him added insult to injury. He was still troubled by Erwin’s request and had yet to fulfill it. He asked him to take you on a date at least once which he was dreading. One day, you received a letter from Levi asking you to meet up with him. The location for the rendezvous was a teahouse in Stohess which seemed odd. Usually, you would meet in more isolated places to speak in private. Your residence was in Mitras near the queen so Stohess wasn’t very far away.

You met up with Levi at the teahouse wearing your Military Police uniform and long green coat. Unlike you, he was not in uniform. Levi was wearing a black suit, a tie, and dress shoes. You raised an eyebrow with how well dressed he was today. 

“Um… You look nice… Is it for show or is this a real date?”  
“Don’t be ridiculous.”  
“I mean, you’re wearing a tie, Levi.”  
“So? When have I ever dressed like a slob?”  
“Okay, fair point.” 

You chalked it up to Levi being himself and entered the teahouse with him. The decorum was grand and the tables were covered with a white table cloth and doilies. You looked at the elegant atmosphere and then back at your brooding companion. He sat down at a table and gave you a look that told you to sit down. The table he was sitting at had a three tier tray with little cakes and other treats on it. You sat down even more confused than you were before. 

“We’re having a tea party?” You sarcastically asked him. “Really?”  
“You got a problem with it?”  
“No. We can chat for a bit but then there are some things we need to discuss.”  
“Well, spit it out then.”  
“Not here, there’s too many people.”

The waiter came to take the order for the tea and although Levi preferred black tea he ordered your favorite. The waiter brought the teapot and poured the tea into both of your teacups. Without even asking you Levi dropped five sugar cubes into your tea. You sipped your tea and went along with… whatever the hell this was. He stayed silent and instead of adding sugar cubes to his tea he took out a flask. You were unaware he started carrying around a flask. He screwed off the top of the flask and added the liquor to the tea not even bothering to stir it. 

“Since when do you add a ‘secret ingredient’ to your tea?” You asked him.  
“Since none of your business.”  
“You can’t appreciate the flavor that way.”  
“What the hell do I care about the flavor...” 

Levi’s response concerned you because that was his favorite part. He was a real snob when it came to these sorts of things. Levi put the flask back into his suit jacket and sipped the boozy tea which tasted terrible. You looked across from him noticing the distant pain in his dark blue eyes. 

“Are you… Okay?”  
“Quit worrying,” he snapped. “I don’t get drunk that easily.”  
“That's not what I meant."  
“What about you? Are you still drinking?”  
“No, I’m two years sober. I’ve been going to the Reiss Recovery Hospital for some time now… It helps.”  
“Well, that’s good…”  
“You should go.”  
“No.”  
“At least consider it.”  
“I don’t need it.”  
“Levi… Please… Don’t become me.”

You reached across the table and grasped his arm pleadingly. It was such a loving gesture that took him by surprise. Your grip was accompanied by a worried look in your eye. Levi sighed and put the teacup down asking the waiter to take it. The waiter took it and brought him a new one. He thought if you had the strength to have some self control he could do the same. When he received the new teacup he poured himself a new cup of tea. He stared across from you which felt more intense than he meant it to be. You tried to think of something to talk about to break the tension.

“So, are you seeing anyone?” You asked him.  
“No,” he said. “Are you?”  
“No… No one.” 

You placed one hand over the other trying to hide the fact that you were still wearing your engagement ring. You looked down feeling sad and a little guilty. 

“How long are you gonna keep that on for?” Levi asked abruptly.  
“…”  
“You’re still engaged to a dead man.” 

You resented that a little and gave him a dirty look. He met your gaze unapologetic about what he just said. 

“Does it bother you, Levi?”  
“Tch. Do what you want.” 

Levi moved his body to the side crossing one leg over the other. His arm was draped over the back of the chair and he drank his tea avoiding eye contact. You realized that even now he still had feelings for you. You felt something as well though you still weren’t sure what it was. You placed two fingers on your ring and looked at him. 

“Be honest, Levi. Is this a date?”  
“Stop asking that,” he grumbled. “I’m getting annoyed.”  
“I wasn't prepared for a date,” you scolded him. “You should have been upfront with your intentions.”  
“It’s not a date.”  
“Were you afraid I would say no? Is that why?” 

Levi remained faced away from you but his silence gave you your answer. With a careful twist, you loosened the ring and pulled it off your finger. It had been two years and although it helped fend off any unwanted attention it was unhealthy for you to keep it on any longer.

“You’re right,” you said. “It might be time to put this in a safe place…” 

That caught his attention and he turned towards you with his mouth parted a little. He was shocked you actually did it. You put the ring into the breast pocket of your coat and snapped the button shut. Levi interpreted that as you saying you were ready if he wanted to pursue you romantically. He took a long silent sip of his tea feeling a little nervous. He was never nervous but you made him nervous. You tried to think of another topic to talk about and Levi brought up a book of poetry. 

He asked you if you read it and you played along pretending that you hadn’t. He knew it was you under another name because he recognized your style and voice. It was honest and tragic, he thought you were only ever honest on paper. He told you which poems were his favorite and you didn’t think he liked that sort of thing. You made a fan of him which made your heart flutter. You didn’t claim that to be your work and continued to pretend you were talking about some other author. 

Your conversation with Levi was surprisingly pleasant despite the rough start. When he was at ease he was almost soothing. His voice was soft without the bite it usually carried. You were so mesmerized that you almost forgot about what you needed to discuss with him. Marley and the war had slipped your mind as you indulged in the little cakes with him. When you left the teahouse you were back in the harsh reality. You called for a carriage and instructed the coachman to take you to a hotel. Levi raised his eyebrow at this but you assured him it was for business only. You thought it was smarter to meet in a hotel than your own residence in case either of you were being watched. 

When you entered the hotel room you took off your jacket and laid it on the arm of the couch. Levi sat down on the couch next to you but kept a respectable distance. He crossed his legs and arms waiting to hear what you had to say. 

“There’s a lot of interesting conversations going on within the Military Police,” you said.  
“Oh yeah? Do tell.” 

You explained the conversations surrounding the concern over the queen inheriting the beast Titan. There was also a concern over who was going to inherit the Founding Titan after Eren. That was also something Hange and himself were thinking about.

“Well, you tell your Commander he better play nice with the Survey Corps or else.”  
“Nile isn’t bad.”  
“Careful,” Levi warned you. “He isn’t your friend.”  
“I know that…” 

Unfortunately, Levi was right about getting too close to Nile. At the end of the day, his priority was the Military Police and if he had to arrest you or kill you to preserve order he just might. The Military Police didn’t exactly change their habits but he was starting to act more like a Commander. A lot of the time you acted as the second in command and advised him with certain matters. He put a lot of trust in you which made you feel just a little guilty for divulging information to the scouts. There was a lot at risk and you wanted to assist the scouts in any way you could. 

“We should consider any negations that can be made to avoid the worst case scenario,” you strongly stated. “We should also send agents out to Marley and other nations to assess the situation.”  
“You think you got it all figured out, huh?” Levi said sarcastically. “Congratulations, you single handedly solved all our problems.” 

You were annoyed by his dismissive attitude and scowled at him. You were trying to think of a way to avoid giving into Zeke’s plan. It was a lot to handle for both you and him. Things were a lot simpler when you two believed Titans were just giants that needed to be eradicated. Now, everything was much more complicated and the line between friend and foe was blurred. 

“Are you scared, Levi?”  
“No, but I know what you’re thinking and I don’t like it.”  
“What am I thinking?” You asked innocently.  
“You want to go to Marley.”  
“Huh, I guess you do know me well…”  
“Don’t even try it,” Levi said sternly. “And don’t pretend it’s for some noble cause either. I know what you’re really after and we agreed that I’m taking care of it. Be patient.”  
“But—”  
“You’re not going to Marley. I won’t let you.”  
“What do I have left to lose, Levi?” 

Levi’s eyes widened at your willingness to put yourself in danger. It was true you lost everything that you loved but your plan was suicide. Erwin placed you in the Military Police to ensure you lived a long life. Levi rose from the couch appalled but not surprised. 

“Enough,” Levi barked. “I didn’t come here for this shit.”  
“You’re right, you didn’t… So why did you? Why did you take me out on a date? What were you trying to accomplish?”  
“It wasn’t my idea,” Levi finally admitted. “Erwin asked me to take care of you if anything happened to him. He wanted to make sure you didn't end up alone so you got me. Funny, I guess prince charming was already taken…”  
“What?”

It took you a second to realize he was dead serious. Even from beyond the grave Erwin was trying to make sure you were taken care of. You were conflicted about the whole thing. On one hand, Levi was upholding his best friend’s last wish. On the other hand, it was wrong of Erwin to ask that of him even though you knew it was done with your best interest in mind. 

“Levi, you don’t need to do this,” you said sternly. "If this is just an obligation for you then you can go and we never have to do this again.”  
“I never said it was just an obligation.” 

Levi looked almost angry by the implication that you were just an obligation to him. When he said that you felt another spark between you two as he stared you down. You were special to him and always were.

“What am I to you?” You asked him bluntly.  
“A pain in the ass.”  
“What else?”  
“I’ll leave if that’s what you want.”  
“I never said that’s what I wanted. I want you to answer the question.” 

Levi turned away and you caught him by his wrist before he could walk off. You held on tightly silently asking him not to go. You desperately wanted an answer from him once and for all. Levi ripped his wrist away from you and left the hotel room with a slam of the door. You were saddened by him walking out on you just like everyone else did. You thought maybe there was something between you two to be explored. There was a lot of complicated history between you two but when you were with him you were in good company.

Shortly after Levi left there was a knock on the door that echoed through the empty room. At first, you thought you were hearing things but then you heard another knock which was more aggressive than the first. You opened the door slightly to see if it was him but he threw it open with the palm of his hand and pulled you down into an aggressive kiss. He came back not for Erwin but for himself. Though he couldn’t bring himself to admit what you meant to him with words he used his actions. Leaving you left him with a terrible feeling of regret that he didn't like at all. You were surprised by the kiss but it wasn’t unwelcome. You kissed him back matching his fervor and threw the door shut haphazardly. You both pulled away from the kiss having stolen each other’s breath away. 

“Got your answer?” He asked you.  
“Yeah… I think so.”  
“You wanna stop?”  
“No, keep going.” 

You leaned down again to kiss Levi and he pushed you back by your shoulders until you were near the bed. With one strong push, you fell back onto the bed and he straddled you. Levi threw off his suit jacket quickly before kissing you again. This position made the height differences easier to manage, however, you weren’t satisfied with letting him get his way so easily. You smirked mischievously and pushed him off reversing your positions. It was a battle for dominance but Levi didn’t resist the reversal. You knew for a fact he would have no issue pushing you back down if he really wanted to. 

Levi managed to make you feel excited which was something you hadn’t felt in a long time. You thought you had gone completely numb after the death of the love of your life. Now, you were able to feel alive and you doubt just anyone would have been able to do that. You were becoming increasingly aroused and Levi broke away for a moment. 

“You always kiss with so much tongue?” He complained.  
“Now you’re going to tell me how to kiss?”  
“You’re going to make me gag.”  
“Shut up.” 

Levi’s criticism spurred you on and the kiss was deepened further. He pretended to be disgusted but the bulge in his pants told you the truth. You pressed down and rocked your hips a little to make it worse for him. You pulled on his tie like it was a collar but you were careful not to choke him. A low curse escaped him which you weren’t supposed to hear but you did. 

“Looks like someone is getting a little turned on,” you joked. “How cute.”  
“Are you going to talk the entire time?” He retorted.  
“I might if I have nothing better to do with my mouth…”  
“Better find something to do with it then.” 

You nodded and gave him another kiss before taking his tie off. You kissed his neck while unbuttoning his white shirt. When it was fully unbuttoned you saw there were scars on his body too. Some from the Survey Corps and some from long before that. You kissed down his toned chest and abdomen until reaching his waist. Levi wasn’t used to receiving affection and felt a warm sensation in his chest. Your soft kisses were more endearing than arousing to him. When you stopped peppering him with kisses you unbuckled his dress pants and dropped to your knees. You sat between his legs which dangled off of the bed. When you freed him from his garments you had to hold back a giggle because he exceeded your expectations. 

“Not bad,” you joked. “I’m impressed.”  
“What were you expecting?” He asked annoyed.  
“You really want me to answer that?”  
“No. Stop talking.” 

When you started Levi’s breath hitched but that was the most you got out of him. He was silent the entire time aside from some heavy breathing. Aside from his snarky comments, Levi was a quiet lover who showed his approval or disapproval through his actions. He pulled on your hair roughly and the more excited he got the harder he pulled. 

“Easy, Levi… That hurts.” 

Levi didn’t say anything but he immediately eased up on you. He didn't realize he was being that rough with you. He was lost in the pleasure you were giving him. He had the occasional one night stand with men and women from the bar but this was different. He usually would never want to see those he slept with ever again. With you, it was more than just sex. When both of your clothes were fully removed and he was on top of you again and he tried to be more considerate starting at a moderate pace. 

“How’s that?” He asked you. “Good?”  
“Yeah, it’s good…”  
“Want it harder?”  
“Yes…” 

Levi picked up the pace of his thrusts getting a moan out of you. You knew he could do better than that and wanted to feel the full intensity of your excitement. You needed more. 

“Harder, Levi!” You yelled.  
“Tch. Any harder and you won’t be able to walk…”  
“Heh… That’s a lot of tough talk… From… Such a little guy…” 

Levi narrowed his eyes and gripped your hips firmly thrusting even harder and faster than before. He shut you up with his fierce lovemaking. Your mouthy comments were replaced with high pitched moans and screaming his name. It was a cathartic experience for both of you.

“You’re so goddamn loud…” he complained while panting. 

Levi’s annoyed tone betrayed his arousal. He liked how vocal you were not that he would admit it to you. Every moan and scream you made brought him closer to his release. You reached your orgasm first but he didn't let up or slow down. You were overstimulated for a little while until he reached his limit as well. Levi threw his head back and then brought it back up with a satisfied smile that you’ve never had the pleasure of seeing before. He had a nice smile and it was made even more beautiful by how rare it was. Sadly, it didn’t last long and neither did the euphoria both of you felt. 

As soon as it was over Levi went to the bathroom and took a shower as you recovered. You needed some time to rest after that and wondered if he always took a shower after sex. He was known to take quick showers but he took an unusually long time. Levi was thinking about what just occurred and the practicality of having a real relationship with you. He feared disappointing you and not being able to live up to what you had with Erwin. 

Levi came out of the shower with a towel around his waist and tousled his wet hair. He threw the towel he used for his hair at you telling you to go take a shower. You were fine as you were but you knew how he was when it came to hygiene. You pulled yourself out of bed with shaky legs and went into the shower. Both of you just crossed a line in your friendship and you took some time to think about what it meant for the future. Perhaps it was just a one time thing or more than that. 

When you left the bathroom in a towel you assumed he would have been gone by now. To your surprise, he was still there in his underwear retrieving the flask from his suit jacket. He sat on the edge of the bed and took a swig of it. Levi put it away when he saw you come out of the bathroom. You sighed at his new bad habit and sat down next to him. You put your hand over his to offer some comfort and looked at him.

“Where do we go from here?” You asked him softly.  
“Don’t know,” he said honestly. “You can't fix me and I can’t fix you either. We’re both beyond fucked up.”  
“Yeah, that’s true… But we can try…”  
“You really wanna do this shit again? Why put yourself through all that? What’s the point?”  
“What’s the point of living if you have no one to share your life with?”  
“Go find someone else then.”  
“We can leave it here if you want,” you assured him. “Just one time between two friends… Or we can see where this goes… Tell me what you want to do, Levi.”  
“You have shit taste.”  
“That’s not an answer.” 

Levi got up the retrieve his pants and put them on. He eyed you while tightening his belt and you waited for an answer. 

“I don’t know,” he said. “We’ll see…”  
“Don’t force yourself.”  
“I’m not, I said we’ll see.”

Levi put his shirt back on and you reached out helping him with the buttons. You kissed again and it lacked the aggression you two had before. It was sweet and tender which is who he really was on the inside. Your relationship was unusual, to say the least, but there was something there. There was a spark that you could feel and felt with him before. You might have been falling in love for the second time in your life. Erwin would always have a place in your heart but you couldn’t hold onto him forever. He and Adam were in a better place while you were still stuck in hell with Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done, wow, I felt like I went on a journey with you guys! This fic got a lot more attention than I was expecting and I'm just really happy and a little overwhelmed :D Thank you for all the kudos, comments, and views! I also want to thank the silent readers and the binge readers who dedicate hours to just reading my work. You guys are great!
> 
> I'm going to be taking a hiatus before I work on the next fic. I might do some one shots here and there but it will be awhile before I do another longfic. The next longfic I'm planning is a sequel to this story with the Levi romance and some of the Marley stuff. I think there's still a lot to explore with this Reader. If you want to see the Levi sequel let me know! :D
> 
> Also, this was not the original ending that I had planned lol. As the story went on I saw how much chemistry she had with Levi and decided to go for it. They are both deeply flawed and I look forward to exploring their dynamic further in the sequel. At least they both hate Zeke with a burning passion lol. RIP Erwin, he will be missed!
> 
> And everyone stay safe and healthy! We're still dealing with some difficult times. I wish you all the best <3


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